my head spill

My head spilled on a page-

Currently studying in my 2nd year at uni and so far it hasn't been as lonely as the last. Last year i always sat alone, studied hard and only briefly spoke to a handful of people. Since starting again for 2009 in the week that's passed I've met heaps of people that i knew by face but never actually met and many new arrivals. This is mainly due to me taking some initiative and signing up to become a mentor for 1st years.

This has been really great but i still feel a sense of loneliness. I'm shy, i can also be very nervous around people i've never met. This is evident with the fact that i've never been in a relationship. After much heart ache i've deduced that i'll be alone for some time. Having friends around you is one thing but to have an intamacy with someone who will always be there is another. I really want to have that! Im starting to dispise seeing couples and i see them everyday on the train. It makes me sad.

I thought my close high school buddies would be enough, hanging out and such but they aren't always there...

Surprisingly though i have many female friends from my later years of high school, being a late bloomer, those friendships are great and i wish for those friendships to remain just that. I've had a lot of unrequitted feelings and heart ache. I could tell one bereaved tale which still hurts me but it would take a lot out of me right this very moment. If any would like to hear it just say the word, it would be great to let it out.

I want to say so very much more but im having difficulty forming them into cohesive sentences, plus it would be here all night explaing myself.

One minute i feel on top of the world and that i can do everything and next im feeling worthless and down. What's wrong with me?

thank you for reading my head spill

hey now, there's nothing wrong with you. I get the up and down feeling pretty frantically too, its just the reaction to other people. like uhhh i dont know. when i'm with friends, i'm really happy and loud. but when i'm by myself, i just feel like honeysuckle. when that happens, call someone up or something. or even a simple text can help.
and don't worry too hard about relationships, it takes time to find someone you truely connect with. meaningless relationships are whack.

btw welcome to the forummm

Thanks Vacuo, it's comforting to know others share the same thoughts. When around friends, hanging out or being out and about i feel super great!!
However when it's over and i'm left to my own thoughts, i feel really really low and depressed. Sometimes i've been able to avoid feeling low by inundating myself with appointments with friends, conversing on msn or by phone. This is all well and good but i feel as though its just covering up how i feel when alone. No matter how much i try to cover it up, the feeling comes back in some way shape or form.

Similar to many other ppls complaints on these forums, i tend to be negative and sometimes am unable to enjoy the things i love. That's what hurt me the most, not being able to enjoy what little i have left to enjoy. More than often my negativity is brought on by reminiscing about happier times and knowing i'll never have that again, (in certain contexts).

Not feeling the best tonight, but i tomorrow i don't have any lectures so ill be able to drown myself in study at home. ^^

That's what happens to me if I'm left along with my own vice.

It's good the you're not trying to live in denial anymore and getting
honest with yourself.

You're on the right track. Finding someone to really, really
listen to you and understands you can be very theraputic.

I've been able to gather some coping tools/skills over the years.

I make a gradtitude list to help combat the negativities.

Gradtitude is the opposite of Envy.
If I let myself get lost into of what others have..it's like a runaway train.lol
Wheather is be an intimate relationship, prestiege, material sucess, or some off the wall talent.
I get that....so don't trip. Everyone has envy to a degree.
This is what makes us humans.
mmm...especailly now, my life had pretty much turned upside down.
If i get too enviest then self-pity kicks in then off I go into depression and despair.

Yeah...I want someone to love and hold me too. Heck i just want
her...but that's not going to happen...She's dead.

So...don't trip too hard for having that need/desire to be loved and held.
We all need that love and effections. That intimatcy or
closnest...which some people mistaking for sex. Sex is good
but it's not the same as intimatcy. Yes...to know, know at
a deep level that someone really gives a **** and cherish you.

Heck even machines gets oil change and preventive maintenance.

I also MAKE myself stay possitive...I'm not always at 100%.
It's a concious decision and effort on my part.
Self descipline...I can't allow my mind to go into auto pilot becuase my **** auto pilot is set for a crash landing.

I also write in my journal...Anything and everything that gose
in my head. and what i feel. Honestly and openly...of course.
It helps..so i don't have to carry all those thoughts and feelings
i have in me all the time.

I also meditate....There's not a right way or a wrong way to
meditate. Find what works for you...
For me...it's just sitting still being in the moment and just watching
the sunset. To be in the moment and not in my mind.
Another living tool for me to find inner peace.

Some spiritaul priciples to fill the **** void i have inside of me...On a bad day i feel like a walking donut.
With the type of personality i have...if I react not so right...I'll have the **** cops chasing after me. ( I'm a donut.lol)

Love myself and foremost of course.

I hope you find true love..soon

Wow you have a lot of coping mechanisms there Lonesome Crow. I admire your may I say wisdom.

I like your terminology of a walking donut, but I wish I was one of those jam filled ones. I really want to be fulfilled. Plus jam filled ones are delicious.

The only envy I have is of other's relationships and people who look happy. I don't wish them harm but just wistfully want what they have. It drives me crazy and I feel I have to accept that I'll never have that for a long time.

I need classes in confidence because I have zero, what's mistaken for confidence in me is actually fear. Better yet, lessons on how to meet ppl! I'm too shy to start conversations and if one is started i find it hard to continue if there's no common ground. Most of the time I pretend to be interested in something they like in order for the conversation to last. This is with both genders.

If the conversation was left to me I'd be talking about otaku stuff and science. Even at uni within my course the ppl there aren't like me even though we're studying the same science!