About a month ago I came to a big realization and wonder if other people feel the same, or if I'm unique. Here it is: a large part of why I'm isolated and unhappy is that I can't bear the thought of my mother seeing me happy. It's my way of arguing.
She really let me have it when I was a child, with the yelling and the making me feel like I was fundamentally flawed and not worthy of happiness. Not in an overly-dramatic or traumatic way, it would make a boring TV movie, but it really played into my natural personality. I remember being at school around other people and laughing or smiling, and then catching myself. I'm guilty, I shouldn't be doing such things. I was too ashamed of myself to assert any sort of want or desire for personal happiness.
Now I know rationally that she was wrong, but I've held on to those feelings so strongly for decades because that's my way of getting back at her. I'm showing that someone who actually believes what she says is guaranteed to have a miserable, failed life. Sounds strange, doesn't it? "I'm 36, no friends, unbearably miserable, missed out on life, and am so set in my ways there may be no way out. I win!"
If you were really, truly honest, how many readers have the same motivation?
She really let me have it when I was a child, with the yelling and the making me feel like I was fundamentally flawed and not worthy of happiness. Not in an overly-dramatic or traumatic way, it would make a boring TV movie, but it really played into my natural personality. I remember being at school around other people and laughing or smiling, and then catching myself. I'm guilty, I shouldn't be doing such things. I was too ashamed of myself to assert any sort of want or desire for personal happiness.
Now I know rationally that she was wrong, but I've held on to those feelings so strongly for decades because that's my way of getting back at her. I'm showing that someone who actually believes what she says is guaranteed to have a miserable, failed life. Sounds strange, doesn't it? "I'm 36, no friends, unbearably miserable, missed out on life, and am so set in my ways there may be no way out. I win!"
If you were really, truly honest, how many readers have the same motivation?