It'd be nice for once not to be seen as a last resort..."Grass is greener" syndrome..

I suppose this could apply for all my relationships with people in general.

Smile here, laugh there...I know how to present myself in the public eye.
I have passed every single job interview, and am told that I'm: funny, confident, nice, sweet etc.
...But what good is it?

Why the fresia must I be nice?
Why the fresia must I always take the feelings of others into consideration?
Why the fresia must I try to reach out and help others?

I just feel that...no matter how much kindness I show to others, it means little. After all, I'm just the "nice girl" that people will greet, but have no interest in getting to know as a person.

It would mean the world to me...just for someone to treat me with kindness as a friend.
Not out of pity...but as a genuine friend.
Please, I don't want to be a last resort...I don't want to exist to boost your ego until something or someone "better" comes along.
Can I for once be a priority and not an option?
Can I for once...mean something to someone?
I ******* deserve better than to be someone's dirty socks that they hang on to just in case they can't find a clean pair.

I'm tired of being me.
I want to be the hot ***** that women all want to be and that men cry over.
It hurts me.
My relative...I love her, but she proudly exclaims she's a ***** and that she can get away with it...because she's hot.
Does she?
Hell yeah.
She has thousands of dollars in gold...all from the "nice guys" who pursued her; she used them and dumped them.
******* same "nice guys" that ***** and moan why women don't treat them good and that they're underappreciated. Same thing for women.
What does it matter how you treat people when you're hot?

Of course, everyone will go the "proper" path and state:
"I wouldn't lower myself to be like her/ I can be a better person than that"
"I wouldn't be interested in someone like that/ It tells a lot about the people that like her"
"I care more about the inside than the outside"
"Looks fade blahblahblah"
"Be who you are...the ones that are good will appreciate you blahblah"

Then what happens?
They leave me for someone like THAT.
I'm tired...very tired...almost sickened of people.
So sickened to see them open their mouths and feed me the same bullshit that I've heard over and over again from day 1.
I keep thinking "Wow...perhaps...this person is different"
WRONG WAY TO THINK.
I am hit harder when they prove to me...that they're just like everyone else.

In the virtual world...of course, people are friendly and want to get to know you.
Have I met a person that I talked to online?
Yes. He said that he knew where I was coming from...he wanted to be different; be a friend and reach out.
Met him, and wow, what a ******* lying dipshit.
All he did was push me for sex and tried to make me feel worthless.

I don't want to ever meet an online "friend" or "person" ever again.
When they're on the internet, they could...almost be like family.
When I meet them, somehow...someway, I bring out the worst.

I used to go to extreme lengths to get to meet people...taking the bus, rearranging my schedule. Would they have done that for me? Hell no.
I tell you...any man that is with me, should a hot girl look his way - he will leave me, guaranteed. I could bet everything that I have on that.
I'll ******* bet my heart on it...I don't need it anyway.

I'm the last resort.
The good girl you keep to make your mom happy but just not enough.
I suppose you could say "Why do you let yourself be a last resort then??"
I have control over who I can choose to get to know, but then again, how do you choose when you aren't even given any choices?
Then again, I seek the quiet, shy, "nice types"...but they too, are no different.

I haven't truly cried for a while...
I don't even know if I'm speaking out of pain...
Or if I am just stating the facts?
I almost feel like I'm floating...
I crave for people, and yet I don't anymore...
It's the same song that plays over and over...

I did meet someone recently...he does spend time with me...
Had my first kiss, but even then, I feel empty...
He's nice to me, but there's something missing in his eyes...
Almost lackluster...
A virgin, sweet guy who suffered social anxiety when he was younger...
Experienced loneliness...
The only person that I could ever possibly relate to and may have been where I have, but...
He too, will cry for the hot ***** instead of me...
I'm just the person who became his stepping stone in developing his confidence towards women...
So that he can go for the one that he truly wants...
Oh, the rush you get from conquering a challenge...

It's not that I don't think I'm good enough for love...
It's just that I can't be loved...
I can't be liked...
I just have to accept it...

I have other family members, that say "Just be nice. People will come your way"
They don't understand why I have no one...
I can't connect to people...
I think I've finally realized it...
That I just can't be liked, loved, wanted or needed...

I can be respectful, nice, dependable...
But I suppose it's too predictable?
Not "adventurous" as considered by many...though they deny it...

There's no such thing as friends...
Even family can't be depended on...
The only person you have is yourself...
I suppose I tried seeking out a friend...in others...
But the only person I have is myself...
I'll be a friend to myself then...
I won't have anyone else to blame...

Might as well...
I don't ask for advice...or certainly any pity from any of you...
I have a roof over my head, food, clothing etc...
Should be grateful...
And I will try...

I just...don't know what to say anymore...
It's just how...things are?
The sooner I come towards accepting the truth, the closer I'll come to finally succeeding...

*HUG* Luna, I'm soooooo sorry you feel like that. And you're right, you do deserve better. I can only hope that in some small way you've felt some comfort here, on this site. *hugs*

Will you be my friend? -_- heh you can PM me or add me to MSN anytime...and I promise, you won't be a "side" friend to me.

Luna said:

What does it matter how you treat people when you're hot?

Click to expand...

Because people like your relative (and no offense) never learn anything from life. They never change, never grow, never feel some of the deeper emotions and feelings or understandings of life. And that's a pity. And it's their loss.

Luna said:

It's just that I can't be loved...
I can't be liked...

Click to expand...

All I can say for this is that just because you feel something, it doesn't make it true. You CAN be liked and loved. You definitely can. And will.

I guess that's all I can offer you...but I do hope that you feel better about all of this soon...or perhaps find a situation in life where you can live happily. *hugs*

----Steve

"love me out of desire, not consolation".. Jeff Buckley..

yeah, there are many twisted little crawlers in this world and there's not much to say in the face of reality's tide..

we all live this life alone to different degrees, hoping that some good fortune shines our way.. hard to keep your grip in the face of such bleak winds..

positive vibes to you Luna :]

You're right though...

My ex-gf or pretty much all of my ex can have a pick of any guy they want.
yeap...whatever the hell she dosn't or dosn't do right...it's like a double standard.
Men hover around her like fly on honeysuckle. Whatever the fresia integrity, morals or vaule they speak about gose out the fucken window.
Thier motives is to get into her pants...

On the other hand ...I been with hawt bitches...they know it.
And yes...I kiss thier asses..

Yes you're right. I'm guilty of all those things you had mentioned.
Yes...you're right, I'm not greatestr looking guy in the world but I had hawt bitches throwing themselves at me.
Why??? it's true...i wasn't Mr nice fucken guy. I treated these women like honeysuckle and did'nt cared for them...
It's fucken wierd it really is to actaully experince it first hand...
While a part of me was saying...this is all wrong...the other part of me is saying...WTF it's actaully working to be a gardenia.
And I'll dump a hawt woman for a hawter woman...because that's how I am. And the have that hawter chick go head over
heels over me...it a total trip. Becuase every hawt woman is insecured as fresia...All I have to do is look at her with a vibe
of ...you aint honeysuckle *****, I can do better. I've had better. The truth is, I did.

And when people actaully find out who the women are that were with me...they say the same honeysuckle " I can't belive it"
especailly the women..

Yes, it's true...I'm even doing it now. One of my female friends has the hots for me. She's given me plenty of hints...
But she's a sight for sore eyes. I know it fucks her self-esteem big time. She talks about it every so often...it comes out.
She dosn't trun me on physaically and I don't like her personalities...

And there's even another chick the look like a Julia Roberts look alike. She had guys chasing after her.
Well fresia...now she's gain some extra freaken pounds and she's giving the looks and just wanna make herself avaliable to me...well fresia me with a screw driver.
I guess she wants me to fresia the hawtness back into her to burn caleries.
There...we're all messed up. I don't wanna do a fat chick and she's settling for my stupid ass...

On the flip side....I feel very much like you do.
Whatever the fresia it is I do, I try to be it's not fucken good enough.
yes..I know what the vibe is when someone is settling for me.

yes..be a light for my own two feet.
Nobody was put on this fucken planet to make my life eaier or to make happy.
I wish it wasn't so...but that's how it is for me. It's true for me. That's my experince. Those are the results.
If there's in a god...just prove me fucken wrong. Fucken show me...don't make me promises or give me fucken hope...just show me.

And the person that actaully truely cares for me has to fucken die.
She was like a needle in a hey stack. I found her but fucken life on life's term is a son of a *****.
The power of the univese moved the fucken cheese on me.
Hopefully the grass is green on her grave....

I can only do the 'I love myself" bit for so long until a get a burning desire to drive a hawt ***** crazy
It's wrong I know...so excuse the fresia out of me. Maybe I'll get right someday....

Steve talking honeysuckle...He can't love me or like me...i don't have fucken tits. and I drive him up the fucken wall with my 3 cents
Fucken reALITY check....

I think I feel the same thing; like friends spend time with me just as a last resort. I don't think they'd make sacrifices to be with me, they almost never ask to hang out. I'm pretty much always surprised when they do, like I'm the one supposed to initiate everything. I also don't really think someone can love me. On the other hand, I know I love myself, or maybe I just tolerate myself. Maybe I just don't care. :/
It kinda feels like insomnia, like everything is passing me by without registering.

First off, there was a lot of passion in what you wrote. It almost spoke with a conviction that was slightly scary lol.

Unfortunately most younger guys don't understand the value of a deep relationship. They are at the age where should they encounter an opportunity to be with a beautiful woman, they'll most often take it. You shouldn't let yourself give up yet though. It takes men a lot longer to figure out what's real and what's superficial. It may even take them well into their thirties.

Lastly, I'd like you to try and appreciate the relationships you've had. There is an extremely cliche yet appropriate saying that states; "It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all."

I say that because I'm 20, still young I know, but I haven't had a relationship in the past 3 years. It's not that I'm unattractive. I lack social skills and I have little to no confidence. When you can't approach a girl, nothing can happen. Pretty much my life up to this point.