Potentially broken up a couple?! Argh!

I know this is the relationship section and whilst this isn't about me wanting a relationship, it is about a relationship.

I know I have some issues surrounding drink, or at least I did do, I've been sober for just over 3 weeks now and even more importantly I have no desire to drink anymore, I hit a really down spot which shocked me into wanting to be sober.

Anyways before I stopped drinking, just over a month ago, I went out for drinks with a few people from work. I was just about to leave that job anyway so it was just goodbye drinks with people, which turned very messy indeed. We were in the pub all night and so it was pretty drunken - as you can imagine. That night I was supposed to be going back to a friends house party, where a guy who I'd been seeing before (who treat me like honeysuckle) was going to be there. Stupidly for some drunken idiotic reason I asked a work friend to come with me to this party, so I didn't have to turn up alone.

It all sounds very innocent, then somehow we ended up kissing. And I went back to his house for drinks, after the party. We did NOT do anything though, we just stayed up drinking and chatting and kissing. He had told me he lived with his ex-girlfriend, and although he was so much more older than I, I was just a drunken silly girl trying to get over somebody else. I didn't see any harm in it, and I was too drunk to even remember most of it. I got a taxi home and that was that, nothing more - I haven't seen him again because I no longer work there, for me it was just an embarrassing drunken night - one which now I am sober I am glad will never happen again.

Anyhow I have just got off the phone, from a very angry girlfriend of this guy. She had found out that there had been a taxi from the house at 6am in the morning. And it wasn't his because he had said he had stayed in. She was actually at work that day. So it wasn't his ex girlfriend, they hadn't even broken up. She had a massive go at me, threatening me, she knows who I am apparently (though I don't know her) and she had rang the taxi firm up to ask where the taxi got delivered to (so god knows if she knows where I live). I understand she is angry, I would be too, I apologised and told her we only kissed, that as far as I knew he was single and lived with an EX girlfriend - and that we haven't spoke since - and that it was stupid drunkenness. But she was so angry, kept asking me so many questions that I honestly didn't know the answer to, it was over a month ago - I was drunk and stupid - and I feel terrible about it now. She kept saying if she found out I was lying she would make my life a living hell. I'm pretty freaked out.

To top it all off I heard a little girl in the background shouting mummy and she said she had to go because her daughter was there. Oh my god. He potentially has a daughter too?!

I feel absolutely awful. What the hell have I done?! I know technically it wasn't my entire fault because I didn't know he had a girlfriend or family, but even still, I feel so guilty.

I just needed to rant really, I feel so crap right now. And I don't deserve sympathy or pity or anything, probably just best to have a go at me too and tell me what a ***** I am. Gah!!!!

It's not your fault if this guy mislead you.

It's a shame his GF doesn't see it that way, but it's the nature of these sort of situations sometimes.

I know that technically it isn't my fault; he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend; he had told me he lived with his ex girlfriend.

BUT - it still doesn't stop me from feeling awful about this. His girlfriend must be absolutely devastated. I would be if I'd found out that my boyfriend, who might potentially be a father, had a young girl at his home, whilst I was at work! I feel so sorry for her and no wonder she is mad at me!

It is horrible. I feel so dirty and ashamed and sick even. Why do I seem to always get myself into stupid situations, why can't I just keep myself to myself and not get involved with anyone. I am such an idiot. Grrrrr.

I haven't run across a cheater yet who doesn't minimize or out right lie about his relationship/marriage.

It is understandable that his girlfriend is upset. When that stuff happens to you, you are not usually too rational. Cheaters also tend to minimize and point fingers for their affairs. Who knows what he is telling his girlfriend.

You had no way of knowing, and you were lied to. You were deceived. You tried to explain things to the girlfriend. The fact that it upset you shows that it is not something that you would have done knowingly.

Don't blame yourself. You were deceived by a lying *******.

You're an easy target for the GF because it's easier to think of you as some home-wrecking whore to pin the blame on than take a hard look at the reality of her relationship. It's harsh awakening to realize that one's partner is a deceitful dick, and if there is a child in the equation, it can make it seem like an even bigger betrayal.

I agree with Minus: It's not your fault that you were deceived by a lying *******. Don't second-guess yourself.

Good idea to stop drinking - it will prevent situations like this happening in the future (and it could have been a lot worse). Don't beat yourself up about it.

Sure she's upset but she has no right to harass you. If she does decide to make your life a living hell just remember there are laws about that kind of thing.

I know all of this, but what if it were I who kissed him first? I honestly don't even remember that night. I was a drunken mess, as the story with most of my life, but I know that isn't an excuse. I don't know why I would have kissed him, I was just as shocked about it when I sobered up that it had happened at all.

I might have ruined a family...all because of my drunken stupidness and sluttyness. Surely any man who'd had a skinful who gets hit on by a drunken girl, 20 years younger, in a short skirt and fishnet tights would go for it? Oh my god, I really hope this isn't how it happened, I really do. fresia. But what if it was? Oh my god, what the hell have I done, I can't get that little kids voice out of my head now.

It's not your fault - how were you to know?

The man is the one in a relationship; he should know better than to cross that line.

Personally, I don't understand women that shift the blame the "other person" especially when the third-party was not aware of their relationship to begin with.

I believe that she should kick HIS ass outside to the pouring rain.

kelbo said:

I know all of this, but what if it were I who kissed him first? I honestly don't even remember that night.

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Um, no. Even if you kissed him first, if he were really dedicated to his GF, he'd have resisted.

kelbo said:

Surely any man who'd had a skinful who gets hit on by a drunken girl, 20 years younger, in a short skirt and fishnet tights would go for it?

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Bullshit. He shouldn't have allowed himself to be in that position if he knew he was unable to resist temptation. I'm rightly sick of people blaming their animal nature 100% for their actions.

Yeah we're animals, but we are animals with a brain and an awareness of the consequences of our actions. To blame our actions on hormones is just a ******* cop-out as far as I am concerned. HOWEVER, blaming alcohol is right on the money as far as diminished judgment goes. Still, he wasn't drunk when he took that first drink, was he? He should have known that this was a potential consequence.

This is precisely why I am very careful about where and with whom I drink.

Yeah you are right, he should have been honest about his relationship and he shouldn't have kissed me, or invited me back to his. People can restrain themselves and always say no.

Though I still feel like the one to blame; if I wasn't a drunken slag then it wouldn't have happened. I keep thinking of that poor little girl, if it breaks up the family or something. I feel so guilty and sick.

I know that my drinking has caused me a number of problems for myself, but to potentially break up someones family? That is just a little too much for me to bear.

kelbo said:

I might have ruined a family...all because of my drunken stupidness and sluttyness. ...

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You jump through a lot of "what if"s to get to that conclusion. No matter how weak some try to make males sound, we really don't abandon all ethics and principles just because some female may show some interest. That is unless we had none to begin with. While i made a rather extensive and prolonged personal study on the effects that alcohol had on me, i never did find an amount that made me forget that i had someone at home.

kelbo said:

Yeah you are right, he should have been honest about his relationship and he shouldn't have kissed me, or invited me back to his. People can restrain themselves and always say no.

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Exactly so.,

kelbo said:

I know that my drinking has caused me a number of problems for myself, but to potentially break up someones family? That is just a little too much for me to bear.

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If you knew he was taken, but then got drunk and threw yourself at him anyway, then sure, the guilt is warranted. That's not the case here.

Minus said:

No matter how weak some try to make males sound, we really don't abandon all ethics and principles just because some female may show some interest. That is unless we had none to begin with.

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That's what I thought.

Minus said:

You jump through a lot of "what if"s to get to that conclusion. No matter how weak some try to make males sound, we really don't abandon all ethics and principles just because some female may show some interest. That is unless we had none to begin with. While i made a rather extensive and prolonged personal study on the effects that alcohol had on me, i never did find an amount that made me forget that i had someone at home.

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Yeah you are right. I feel a lot better now, I think just the shock made me panic and make my mind go crazy on what might be happening. I feel guilty for a lot of things that are out of my control or aren't even my fault. Anyhow thank you for responding and stating the facts. I appreciate it.

kelbo said:

I think just the shock made me panic and make my mind go crazy on what might be happening. I feel guilty for a lot of things that are out of my control or aren't even my fault.

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That's totally understandable. I bet it was a huge shock getting that call from her.

So do you still receive phone calls from that girl?

Sanal said:

So do you still receive phone calls from that girl?

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I got the phone call from her today. Even though that night I kissed that guy was a month ago.

That's totally understandable. I bet it was a huge shock getting that call from her.

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It really was such a shock. It totally freaked me out. I hope she doesn't actually try and pursue it any further...I'm guessing she must be about 30-40, I bet she'd totally kick my arse!

cheaptrickfan said:

That's totally understandable. I bet it was a huge shock getting that call from her.

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Yeah, i bet such a phone call really shakes up a person. It is the ones that it wouldn't bother that i find to be disturbing people.

He's a sleeze ball, and his girlfriend's a *****...

Calling a taxi company and asking where they dropped off someone else?

Companies are usually pretty tight-lipped about information like that.

Mind you if she knows your name and number, she can just use the phone book, which is why it's really dumb to have your number listed in the phone book.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she calls again, tell her to stop giving you honeysuckle over something you did under pretence, and to go ***** out her husband. If she makes ANY threat of physical harm, and shows any indication that she knows where you live, don't be afraid to contact the police, even if it's just to discuss the best way to handle the situation.

Mind you you're right about one thing... If you hadn't been drunk and willing, this wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't have this mess on your hands. Something to learn from that...

Also like to chime in... What sort of crappy mom makes that sort of phone call with her daughter listening? It's sad for the kid (if there even is a kid and not some tape recording), but that's a broken family, it was bound to happen eventually.

Threatening is now something which I dislike. Tell her to fresia off from your life and I mean it. Same words "fresia off from my life and leave me alone. if you keep threatening me like this, your kid will end up without dad". Its been a ******* month and what is she bitching about?

Kelbo,

I have plenty of drunken experince.
As I stated before..being drunk is not an excuse for some of my behaviors.
But I have to look at it clearer...what's my part in it and what's not my part.

I've carried a lot of guilt and shame from my divorce. I learning or getting well over the years.
I see things as they are. I've carried a lot of guilt for my ex-wf's actions. And I know that.
It's a secret that I've carried for a long time. I wasn't drunk that night and many other nights.
I know exactly what transpired. I did however...drank over it for a couple of years.
Yes, one of my shortcomings is that I love Michelle very much. I love her more than I love me.
I'll play her scap goat or the fall guy. I carrried the world on my shoulders.

I'm ex-miliatry...it kind of got drilled into my head that it was a noble, honorable thing to do to lay down my life or sacrifies myself
for another life or others may live. It was the principle that I lived by at that time in my life. Those were my morals and values at the time.
mmm...kind of unhealthy if apply in other area of my life or where I am get now in my life.

mmmm let me put it this way. Her current husband sure the fresia wasn't thinking about me and my duaghter
when i was married to her.
Never the less...there was trouble in paradize long before he came into the picture. it could have been him, someone
else or anyone else....whomever she decided that was conveint for her.

I had a relationship with Michelle. It was our marriage. Our commitments. She made a decision to married me.
It too was her decision to divorce me and many other decisions that she made prior to our divorced.

I too made many poor dicisions that drove a bigger wegged between Michelle and I. It could have been Lori, Danille, Misty, Debbie,
Kimberly or whomever else that came across my path or all of them. I had my reasons...I was separated and bascailly
my marriage was over long before the actaul court date or before I decided to have other women in my life.

Anyway, Michelle and I have no one else to blame but ourselves for not making our marriage or relationship work...if any blame
or accountablity is to be put on anyone. We need to get our priorty straight. Look at it straight or cleaer.
I'm man enough. I'll take all the blame....(NOT!!!!.lol)

ok...I was messed up long before Michelle came into my life.
Michelle was messed up long before I came into her life.

We both came from dysfunctional homes.
My father is an alcoholic.
Michelle's parents were drugs users.
So..we were made for each other....

Then there's Jordan, our duaghter. She's doing fine. She acts just like me...the opposite of her mother
But Jordan is going to do what Jordan is going to do. It's actaully hitting Michelle and I in the face or at the core.
We're powerless over our duaghter. She's her own person. Whatever lessons, mistakes or path in life she chooses, it's
her's. We have to accept that. The very same lessons we should had learned many years ago about ourselves.

And it's hard to not feel guilty. The guilt of not being there for my daughter. No other man will and cannot love Jordan as much as I love her.
But I cannot carry Jordan's weight no matter how much i want to save her.
If i do...i will deny her the (mirracle) growing process and lessons she needs to learn to be a beautiful person.
I love her enough to let her go...as i love Michelle enough to let her go.

Anyways...pretening to alcoholism or my drinking problems...
Here how it usually went for me. Now guilt plays with my head.
mmmm....I totally messed that honeysuckle up.
well...If i messed up...I might as will fresia it all up
fresia this half ass measure honeysuckle....
If you're going to do something...you might as will do it right and go all the way.
Lets go out and get really, really honeysuckle face in sin city.
If I'm going to hell...I'm going out with a fucken bang...Bring it on bitches
I'll show her!!!.lol