(This is a slightly "stream of consciousness" narrative about a lonely Saturday night that I'm currently experiencing. I'm not sure if it will be interesting to everyone, or anyone, but I just felt the need to write it for some reason.)
It's 10:41 on a Saturday night. I'm sitting here alone. Again. Should I read? Yes, of course I should. I want to write, after all, and to do that you have to read a lot. And besides, I actually do love books. I try to divide my reading time between books I need for "informational purposes" (in other words, things to possibly help me get some ideas on how to find a measure of happiness in life, etc.), and fiction, which I'm using for the dual purpose of entertainment and to better learn how to write.
Will I read tonight? I don't know. I have a few days off work, and sitting down to read a book seems maybe a little too sedate for the first night of a short "vacation" period. What will I do instead? Well, I've already watched a movie tonight, so that's probably out, and it's getting late anyway. So I guess this is what I'm doing. Trying to reach out into the vast empty void for some kind of human contact that may or may not be there.
Why aren't I more motivated to do things, to make improvements, to change my life? Why do I have a sink full of dirty dishes while I'm sitting on my ass in front of my computer? I know what I need to do. I've read about how to make social contacts, how to find a better job, how to get things done. I have so many interests, and I have things that I'm good at. I like to be physically active, exercise, etc.
It just seems so futile sometimes. Life, everything. I get so sick of people, their games, their little contests. I get sick of how once you get three people together, a pecking order is quickly established and sooner or later someone is going to find themselves on the "outs" if they don't go along with the majority opinion.
"That sounds like depression." Absolutely. For a lot of my life, in fact. I've been doing, or have done, the usual treatments, etc. I think the real problem is more a "sickness of the soul," though. I'm working now to try and align my life more with things that genuinely interest me and give me more of a sense of "meaning" or whatever. But there are many periods that feel very stagnant and empty, like tonight.
And the tap drips...
Drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip
(If you've made it this far, thanks. I guess this was maybe a little "self-indulgent," but I just felt like I needed to get some things out, and I seemed to get blocked every time I tried to think of a more coherent subject to post about.)
It's 10:41 on a Saturday night. I'm sitting here alone. Again. Should I read? Yes, of course I should. I want to write, after all, and to do that you have to read a lot. And besides, I actually do love books. I try to divide my reading time between books I need for "informational purposes" (in other words, things to possibly help me get some ideas on how to find a measure of happiness in life, etc.), and fiction, which I'm using for the dual purpose of entertainment and to better learn how to write.
Will I read tonight? I don't know. I have a few days off work, and sitting down to read a book seems maybe a little too sedate for the first night of a short "vacation" period. What will I do instead? Well, I've already watched a movie tonight, so that's probably out, and it's getting late anyway. So I guess this is what I'm doing. Trying to reach out into the vast empty void for some kind of human contact that may or may not be there.
Why aren't I more motivated to do things, to make improvements, to change my life? Why do I have a sink full of dirty dishes while I'm sitting on my ass in front of my computer? I know what I need to do. I've read about how to make social contacts, how to find a better job, how to get things done. I have so many interests, and I have things that I'm good at. I like to be physically active, exercise, etc.
It just seems so futile sometimes. Life, everything. I get so sick of people, their games, their little contests. I get sick of how once you get three people together, a pecking order is quickly established and sooner or later someone is going to find themselves on the "outs" if they don't go along with the majority opinion.
"That sounds like depression." Absolutely. For a lot of my life, in fact. I've been doing, or have done, the usual treatments, etc. I think the real problem is more a "sickness of the soul," though. I'm working now to try and align my life more with things that genuinely interest me and give me more of a sense of "meaning" or whatever. But there are many periods that feel very stagnant and empty, like tonight.
And the tap drips...
Drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip
(If you've made it this far, thanks. I guess this was maybe a little "self-indulgent," but I just felt like I needed to get some things out, and I seemed to get blocked every time I tried to think of a more coherent subject to post about.)
.
