grainofrice24
Well-known member
24 Years. Long time. Just walking...nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Sure there's school and work, but they just pass time. Is that what life is? Passing time till you're dead?
I know I know..."The world is a beautiful place blah blah blah". It may be for you, but not for me. I don't fit in. I've tried, Jesus knows I've tried. I just can't make sense of it all. There's something wrong with me. Something wrong with my head and the way it works. Something that I can't help but think that I'll fix one day with nothing more than a well placed bullet.
I try to go against my own sheltering instincts, but it just feels so...false. It feels fake, and I think people deep down can tell I'm faking. They go along, because I go along but people drift away and I drift away and end up right back where I started.
I regret everything. Everything I do, in hindsight, seems so stupid and it causes me physical and emotional pain thinking about it. "Why can't I do things right?!?! Why cant I be normal?!" It's like my own mind is against me. It follows me and sabotages everything I do with unwavering precision, unrelenting accuracy and deadly efficiency. My self is the ultimate enemy. It's an enemy I cannot defeat or kill.
I make horrible decisions regularly. Things that any other person would approach normally and quickly react appropriately to, are things that I either over-think or under-think and ultimately fresia up royally. Little things become difficult because of the painstaking mental conflict that goes on. I've tried simply NOT thinking too much about stuff, and just do what makes sense, but I end up acting having not thought something out thoroughly. A dichotomy of extremes it would seem. Like climbing an icy mountain: The best place to be is at the peak, but it's a long arduous and painful trip to the top, but once I'm at the top...on false move, and I slip and slide down the other side...all...the way...to the bottom.
Having religion pounded into my skull since I was a child has yielded a particularly interesting notion. They say god is in your heart...I respond with "Okay, but then the Devil's in your head". My life seems to have been the mind expanding, while the heart aches.
Maybe in a previous life I did something foolish. I sold my soul to the devil for something petty and childish. I was caught, young and naive...and this life and many others (and many more) are simply for my soul's owner's...amusement. And what would be more amusing...than someone who cannot help, but live a thousand painful, lonely and agonizing lifetimes??
Anyways...I should get around to fixing my problems. Should have asked Santa for a gun with 1 bullet this year hahahaha.
I know I know..."The world is a beautiful place blah blah blah". It may be for you, but not for me. I don't fit in. I've tried, Jesus knows I've tried. I just can't make sense of it all. There's something wrong with me. Something wrong with my head and the way it works. Something that I can't help but think that I'll fix one day with nothing more than a well placed bullet.
I try to go against my own sheltering instincts, but it just feels so...false. It feels fake, and I think people deep down can tell I'm faking. They go along, because I go along but people drift away and I drift away and end up right back where I started.
I regret everything. Everything I do, in hindsight, seems so stupid and it causes me physical and emotional pain thinking about it. "Why can't I do things right?!?! Why cant I be normal?!" It's like my own mind is against me. It follows me and sabotages everything I do with unwavering precision, unrelenting accuracy and deadly efficiency. My self is the ultimate enemy. It's an enemy I cannot defeat or kill.
I make horrible decisions regularly. Things that any other person would approach normally and quickly react appropriately to, are things that I either over-think or under-think and ultimately fresia up royally. Little things become difficult because of the painstaking mental conflict that goes on. I've tried simply NOT thinking too much about stuff, and just do what makes sense, but I end up acting having not thought something out thoroughly. A dichotomy of extremes it would seem. Like climbing an icy mountain: The best place to be is at the peak, but it's a long arduous and painful trip to the top, but once I'm at the top...on false move, and I slip and slide down the other side...all...the way...to the bottom.
Having religion pounded into my skull since I was a child has yielded a particularly interesting notion. They say god is in your heart...I respond with "Okay, but then the Devil's in your head". My life seems to have been the mind expanding, while the heart aches.
Maybe in a previous life I did something foolish. I sold my soul to the devil for something petty and childish. I was caught, young and naive...and this life and many others (and many more) are simply for my soul's owner's...amusement. And what would be more amusing...than someone who cannot help, but live a thousand painful, lonely and agonizing lifetimes??
Anyways...I should get around to fixing my problems. Should have asked Santa for a gun with 1 bullet this year hahahaha.