Stride
Well-known member
I'd like to say first that the reason I'm writing this is not because I'm looking for perspective or clarity on my feelings/life. In many ways this is a success story, and I like sharing my catharsis. Instead the purpose of writing out what happened to me and my family when I was a child is a way for me to reach out to those who may have experienced a similar situation, come together, and understand why this specific situation has left us lonely.
Up until I was 8 years old, my brother and I had to deal with an abusive father. We were whipped with belts, smacked, and chastised for any wrong doings. The brunt of the abuse, however, was on our mother. This part may be biased because I was only a child and cannot remember most of it. My mom has stories where my father threw plates at her, broke her down mentally, and generally created conditions that were unpleasant for all of us. He would lose his temper easily and enter a rage that we all feared collectively.
This may not seem like that big of a deal as I'm sure a lot of us have parent's like this, and it really isn't. When I was 8 years old my parents decided to divorce. Later I came to find out the reason for their separation was not because of the above, but because my mother had chosen to tell my brother at 12 years old that his real father had abandoned him. According to my father, he did not want my mom to tell my brother because he believed that such news would devastate my brother at such a young age. It was the straw that broke the camel's back between them and they divorced.
This left me in a bad position. I had a father and my brother didn't. I was able to see my father 3-4 days out of the week after school and on weekends, and my brother had no one except my mother. Well, as a result of the divorce, running her own company, and supporting two children, she fell heavily into alcohol so far she later became an admitted alcoholic. Perhaps an understandable, if not at least a sympathetic situation. But when Mom is drunk all the time and no father to speak of, my brother had no parental figure to turn to.
My brother became suicidal, driving my mother into deeper depths of depression and alcoholism. And I watched. I watched as my brother descended into the darkest place a child could go. I watched as my mother destroyed herself trying to provide for my brother and me while dealing with her depression in the worst way possible. I had to enter my Mom's room every night to make sure that she hadn't fallen asleep with a lit cigarette between her fingers. I had to make sure was she was still alive after passing out in the bathtub for extended periods of time. My brother and I had to sit and sleep in the darkness of strange houses as she slept with men we had only met that evening.
My father completely flipped in his parenting ways. He became passive and unwilling to create tension between me and him for, what I believe, fear that I wouldn't want to come over and spend time with him anymore.
And that's how my childhood was spent until I reached my teens. Taking care of my mother as best as I could as a child, visiting my brother in mental institutions every so often. What this entire situation created in me was a deep suppressive nature. I decided after seeing my family fall apart that I would sacrifice my happiness and personal betterment for them. I fell off the grid in schooling, attaining no more in my grades than what was needed to pass. I didn't bring friends home because at that time, my brother didn't have many. In contrast, I stayed home a lot and just watched TV or browsed the computer. It's a large reason why I don't develop relationships with girls; because I know that my brother hasn't experienced that kind of connection yet and I would eventually have to bring a girl I was in a relationship home. I don't want to create jealousy or tension between us.
The success story in all of this is that I have recently come to terms with my childhood experience. I want to be happy now and I am doing everything I can in my power to one day live how I want to live. For the longest time I've been isolated in my own mind, creating fantasy worlds where I have people to connect with and a family undivided. I've realized that I can't change what happened and the only way to move forward is by putting the past behind me. I will still care for my mother and brother as I always have, I have only decided to introduce a little selfishness to my lifestyle.
If you've made it this far, I just want to re-state the purpose of this thread is only to connect with those that experienced similar situations. I'm not looking for sympathy because I have already healed from my experience. I am here on this forum to regain some of my sociability and start a life separate from what I deem the plague of my childhood. The people I have met so far have already started steering me down that path, and I am extremely grateful for that.
That's all I have to say. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Up until I was 8 years old, my brother and I had to deal with an abusive father. We were whipped with belts, smacked, and chastised for any wrong doings. The brunt of the abuse, however, was on our mother. This part may be biased because I was only a child and cannot remember most of it. My mom has stories where my father threw plates at her, broke her down mentally, and generally created conditions that were unpleasant for all of us. He would lose his temper easily and enter a rage that we all feared collectively.
This may not seem like that big of a deal as I'm sure a lot of us have parent's like this, and it really isn't. When I was 8 years old my parents decided to divorce. Later I came to find out the reason for their separation was not because of the above, but because my mother had chosen to tell my brother at 12 years old that his real father had abandoned him. According to my father, he did not want my mom to tell my brother because he believed that such news would devastate my brother at such a young age. It was the straw that broke the camel's back between them and they divorced.
This left me in a bad position. I had a father and my brother didn't. I was able to see my father 3-4 days out of the week after school and on weekends, and my brother had no one except my mother. Well, as a result of the divorce, running her own company, and supporting two children, she fell heavily into alcohol so far she later became an admitted alcoholic. Perhaps an understandable, if not at least a sympathetic situation. But when Mom is drunk all the time and no father to speak of, my brother had no parental figure to turn to.
My brother became suicidal, driving my mother into deeper depths of depression and alcoholism. And I watched. I watched as my brother descended into the darkest place a child could go. I watched as my mother destroyed herself trying to provide for my brother and me while dealing with her depression in the worst way possible. I had to enter my Mom's room every night to make sure that she hadn't fallen asleep with a lit cigarette between her fingers. I had to make sure was she was still alive after passing out in the bathtub for extended periods of time. My brother and I had to sit and sleep in the darkness of strange houses as she slept with men we had only met that evening.
My father completely flipped in his parenting ways. He became passive and unwilling to create tension between me and him for, what I believe, fear that I wouldn't want to come over and spend time with him anymore.
And that's how my childhood was spent until I reached my teens. Taking care of my mother as best as I could as a child, visiting my brother in mental institutions every so often. What this entire situation created in me was a deep suppressive nature. I decided after seeing my family fall apart that I would sacrifice my happiness and personal betterment for them. I fell off the grid in schooling, attaining no more in my grades than what was needed to pass. I didn't bring friends home because at that time, my brother didn't have many. In contrast, I stayed home a lot and just watched TV or browsed the computer. It's a large reason why I don't develop relationships with girls; because I know that my brother hasn't experienced that kind of connection yet and I would eventually have to bring a girl I was in a relationship home. I don't want to create jealousy or tension between us.
The success story in all of this is that I have recently come to terms with my childhood experience. I want to be happy now and I am doing everything I can in my power to one day live how I want to live. For the longest time I've been isolated in my own mind, creating fantasy worlds where I have people to connect with and a family undivided. I've realized that I can't change what happened and the only way to move forward is by putting the past behind me. I will still care for my mother and brother as I always have, I have only decided to introduce a little selfishness to my lifestyle.
If you've made it this far, I just want to re-state the purpose of this thread is only to connect with those that experienced similar situations. I'm not looking for sympathy because I have already healed from my experience. I am here on this forum to regain some of my sociability and start a life separate from what I deem the plague of my childhood. The people I have met so far have already started steering me down that path, and I am extremely grateful for that.
That's all I have to say. Thanks for taking the time to read.
