A question, of sorts....

[HeatOfSpirit]

What's the difference between real loneliness and just feeling lonely?

The reason I am asking is because, for one thing, I am a person that is 90% of the time dealing with real human interaction. All day I am talking to people (sales), and I live with my co-workers.

So, on the outside, I don't seem so lonely, I don't think...

But on the inside, I am feeling pretty lonely. I used to get to really bad depression from being lonely, feeling like maybe I am not normal or something.

And every time that they (they as in the people I live with) go out, to, let's say, a club (or some other social scene with lots of people), I get real tense inside, feeling somewhat stressed and trying to find a reason not to go out.

And my real question is: am I just more of a lone type person, or am I someone who just needs to get over social anxiety?

I was wondering if any of you go through the same type of anxieties, or thoughts...

Meaning, there are people out there (I think..), that just enjoy more solitary activities, whatever they may be.

Do those same people have anxiety from social activities do you think, or do they just prefer to be alone? Do you think that people become more solitary because of their social anxieties?

Everybody needs someone in their life, right? Not just superficial "someones", who fill in a void for boredom?

I am wondering if there are people who are surrounded by friends/acquaintances, but still feel pretty **** lonely.......

 

[Lonesome Crow]

For me...Feeling lonely is sitting in a room full of people...Loneliness is isolation.
will it dosn't matter to me anymore...becuase it made me depressed as hell and wasn't healthy for me either way.

Yeah..i used to gt social anxieties and anxietiers no matter what happened.

Well...i need and some people in my life.
Yes...I need that specail someone in my life. I love her very, very much.

Yes i still feel disconnected to a degree. I'm surrounded by people, friends, family.

 

[*heretostay*]

And every time that they (they as in the people I live with) go out, to, let's say, a club (or some other social scene with lots of people), I get real tense inside, feeling somewhat stressed and trying to find a reason not to go out.

thats me these days. and even when i was younger and i was surrounded by people i was lonely. i knew everyone but i was still isolated and very lonely inside. i didnt have the anxiety that i have now. i could talk to anyone and i had tons of friends, but nobody really knew me. it wasnt until a few years later that i met some people i really got along with that i stopped feeling lonely. and i had a job i liked, a job that made me feel like i had a purpose in life. i think that helped with the loneliness, too.

but now, even though im married, i feel really lonely. i turn down social events. i talk to people in my classes but i dont really click with any one. so it is a lonely life.

 

[HeatOfSpirit]

And every time that they (they as in the people I live with) go out, to, let's say, a club (or some other social scene with lots of people), I get real tense inside, feeling somewhat stressed and trying to find a reason not to go out.

thats me these days. and even when i was younger and i was surrounded by people i was lonely. i knew everyone but i was still isolated and very lonely inside. i didnt have the anxiety that i have now. i could talk to anyone and i had tons of friends, but nobody really knew me. it wasnt until a few years later that i met some people i really got along with that i stopped feeling lonely. and i had a job i liked, a job that made me feel like i had a purpose in life. i think that helped with the loneliness, too.

but now, even though im married, i feel really lonely. i turn down social events. i talk to people in my classes but i dont really click with any one. so it is a lonely life.

You really feel lonely even though you are married? Wow, that causes me to start thinking, because a lot of times, I think to myself if only I had a girlfriend, I would stop feeling lonely. I guess it doesn't always work like that. What really gets me is the fact that even when we are surrounded by others, we still feel lonely. And even more so, someone who is in a relationship...

That makes me wonder if the source of loneliness really is a lack of other peoples' presence. Maybe loneliness stems from a different source. Maybe it has to do with the quality of our relationships with others. Or maybe, it just comes from within ourselves. Could that be a possibility?

You know, a lot of times when I am feeling down for example, and someone like a close friend or some other figure in my life would comfort me (this happened mainly when I was more of a teenager - when I had more support from others), they would tell me "you are surrounded by people that care for you, and like you, and you like them etc etc" and would try to give some comfort like that; for some reason, I still felt as if I was alone, or depressed, or whatever I was feeling at the time. All this, even though I had all the logical reasons to not feel that way.

I think loneliness is a lot more emotional than logical. I mean, there are people who are more introverted solitary type people, and they don't seem to be depressed or feel alone. And others (like me for example), who are surrounded by other people (for the most part), and do feel alone. I wonder why this is....

 

[Badjedidude]

I guess it doesn't always work like that.

A lot of people are in that boat. They think that being with someone will magically solve their life problems or make them less lonely...and it just doesn't work that way, so they become even more lonely because they're still lonely and they "shouldn't be." After all, they have a partner, right?

If you're lonely BEFORE a relationship, you're most likely going to be lonely DURING one as well.

Maybe it has to do with the quality of our relationships with others. Or maybe, it just comes from within ourselves. Could that be a possibility?

You're getting warmer. Personally I believe that it's a mixture of both. Loneliness comes from many places...inside and out, and for many different reasons. I don't think that there is one SET definition of what it is to be lonely.

----Steve

 

[SilentComfort]

Being among other people in a group, usually does not help me feel less lonely. Even if i face social situations voluntarily, i rarely get into conversation. If i do, its very short. In those situations, i just exist in the group, just sitting there.
I feel constricted. And when i do get into a conversation, i struggle with trying to express my own world, so that those people can understand. It always feels like nothing is ever passionate, just tedious struggles with words.
To be free, i need to be with the right people, or by myself entirely.
However.. i found that its refreshing to be in a group of people once in a while, even if im just a ghost.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

What's the difference between real loneliness and just feeling lonely?

Sometimes I think that it's the difference between "alone" and "lonely."

On some levels we are, and will always be, alone - we're born alone and we die alone. We also grieve alone. People can be there next to us and try to comfort us, but there are some things for which there is no real shared experience.

I am wondering if there are people who are surrounded by friends/acquaintances, but still feel pretty **** lonely.......

Yes, that describes me. On the surface, my life looks pretty good: I have kids, I've had relationships, I have friends - mostly scattered around. Very few of them are even in the same area code as me, but thanks to the internet, I can keep in contact with them daily.

The problem is, once the computer is off and the kids are at their dad's, I am intensely alone. There is no one with whom I can go out for a casual beer, let alone that one special someone around whom I can wrap myself.

Also, even then I can be around people at a party or some other gathering and still feel lonely. Somehow I think that it's an issue of connectedness. There are times when I feel more connected to people around me than others.

You really feel lonely even though you are married? Wow, that causes me to start thinking, because a lot of times, I think to myself if only I had a girlfriend, I would stop feeling lonely. I guess it doesn't always work like that.

In the waning years of my marriage, I was very lonely. So, I suspect, was my husband. We had pretty much stopped any real communication. Reminding someone to get shaving cream is not real communication, neither is asking what someone would like for dinner. :/

However.. i found that its refreshing to be in a group of people once in a while, even if im just a ghost.

Yeah, me too. It's a reminder of what I can be.

 

[*heretostay*]

You really feel lonely even though you are married? Wow, that causes me to start thinking, because a lot of times, I think to myself if only I had a girlfriend, I would stop feeling lonely. I guess it doesn't always work like that.

initially when you first start dating someone you do get a high that alleviates the loneliness, especially if you fall in love with them. but what goes up must come down; the more in love you are, the more connected you feel, the harder you will eventually fall, and you will feel loneliness like you've never felt before. i have never felt as lonely in my entire life as i have the last few years of my marriage. but dont be discouraged...the fall is only because the first stages of love are not love at all, but a psuedo-love of lust, infatuation, and selfishness. In your case wanting a girlfriend so you stop feeling lonely is your psuedo-love that you will initially offer, and you will fall hard when the realization hits you that no one can give you that. But if you can work through the selfishness, and realize that's where the pain is coming from, and create a real foundation of love, you can be happy.