A return, another try

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Nov 7, 2018
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Hi everyone,
I posted an intro a few years ago, and never came back until now. I’m scared to share bits of myself and to give a minimum of trust. I was also scared of my lack of time for reading a lot of other people’s posts, and being like a very “selfish” presence on the forum who writes and can’t participate as much as I would like. All of this kept me away for a very long time. I take the chance today, after a long time of thinking. Let’s see...
I try to make a long story short, and perhaps I would not explain who I am the same way I did when I introduced myself first. I’m 46 years old. Canadian french speaker (bilingual). I apologize in advance for any mistake in the writing of this text.

I’ve always had a different way to look at the human world, since I’m a child. Not that different, there were and still are other people who express the same view, the same concepts. People say that I look average, that I’m not better nor worse than anyone else, they say they don’t understand why I feel so different and so alone. It’s quite reassuring to hear that. Though, it’s not how it turns out in reality. It doesn’t take long before they find me annoying or disturbing.

The thing is that I can’t fake the smile/positivity/rainbow-stuff that people want to hear through small talks and in usual conversations. I can’t fake my complete disinterest in superficial discussions. I can’t hide that my own experience of the human society, for quite 40 years, is darker than they would like to hear. I look at the world through the eyes of what we call a “deep thinker”, these “annoying” people who seek to face the reality of existence, stripped from all its ornaments, and who even question if there is a meaning in the meaning...

For most of us, life is hard, I take it. We all face some light and some shadows from time to time. I understand maturity as a balance between the darkness and the light, accepting both without falling in excess in one side or the other. I don’t have this maturity yet. My own experience always been darker. I find the brighter side in the Nature, in all its life forms, its beauty and its life force. And the darker side is my own experience of humanity. For most of us, life is hard and people don’t want to hear about the darker side. Their own pain can’t handle it. My words echoes their own pain, their own fears. They don’t want to see me. They don’t even hear me. We meet from two parallel universes that can’t understand nor even stand each other.

Two years ago, I had enough of my “depressed mood” and I decided to seek for some “salvation”. I learned a lot through videos about self-esteem, self-acceptance, about growing from a dysfunctional family. Then, I learned that I was not alone with my conception of the human world, that many philosophers/writers/artists through History were isolated because of the way they were. I found therefore the strength to exist the way I am, and to accept that I’ll be a misfit all my life. I’m learning to deal with it, to embrace it, and it goes better I guess, being more confident in my self expression, dismissing the judgmental and condescending looks from those who aren’t interested to look under the shell. In fact, I prefer to go against the mainstream current : politeness against rudeness, originality against conformity, elegance against sloppiness, keeping my cellphone away and being present to what happens around on my path. Not better nor worse than anyone, just my own way to exist as a misfit. But in silence. Because I don’t want to talk to people anymore. I don’t know how to speak and I my voice does more harm than good.

I close this too long text with something I usually keep secret, but I recently decided to be more open about it. I had a few painful long term relationships. Two of them were violent. And for the others, I was an accessory. Some guys were still in love with their ex, some were still looking for another girl with “the perfect body”, all of them cheated on me, humiliated me, put me in the corner and made me feel even more alone. I did mistakes as well, but at least, I was honest and faithful with them. Maybe they were jerks, or maybe they just didn’t find in me what they were expecting from a “normal” woman. And they looked elsewhere to have it. As I said, two parallel universes that can’t fit with each other…

And 7 years ago, something happened that I never thought possible. That was a point of my life where I got inspired by a fictional character to get my strength back and some self esteem. Well, the drive to fight against the odds. This fictional character became a very deep symbol of my will to live. At first, it was inspiration and admiration. And after two years, I realized I was in love. I passed the last 5 years analyzing these unexpected and unusual “feelings”, reading and hearing other people talking about “fictophilia” (no, I’m not alone), or “parasocial relationships”. I understood that love can take many forms. It can be a deep admiration of “someone” who has a similar background and mindset, and who takes a major space in our life/heart. A kind of “virtual soulmate”. It can’t fulfill an actual relationship with an actual sharing in reality, I take it. No discussions, no feedback. I know. Nevertheless, I embrace it as a possible way of healing. And about the sharing, I always welcome real life true and honest friendships, when it happens. It’s not a rejection of reality. I don’t dismiss the importance of human relationships. I just chose another path about this part of the human experience that we call “romantic love”. Very misunderstood path, almost taboo...

Thank you for the time you made to read this long post. Pleased to meet you :)
Welcome back :)
I've never thought it could be really possible to fall in love with a fictional character (or the idealisation of it).
I will echo everyone else and say welcome back. But I also want to thank you for your honesty. This is a very brave and noble thing you have done with this post. There may be someone else who comes along and sees themself the very same way, and at the very least, they will know they were not alone! I thank you very much! Best of luck here and elsewhere <3.
I will echo everyone else and say welcome back. But I also want to thank you for your honesty. This is a very brave and noble thing you have done with this post. There may be someone else who comes along and sees themself the very same way, and at the very least, they will know they were not alone! I thank you very much! Best of luck here and elsewhere <3.
Yes I agree with Kamaione and welcome back 🙂
When I was in my 40s, I was completely smitten with a character on the TV show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I thought about him ALL the time. In what must be the WEIRDEST coincidence ever, about four years later, I actually met the man. I worked for a local fire department and the man had purchased property in the area. My department was over-seeing a project to remove dead trees, and voila, in walked this man! By then I was in love with a “real” person, but of course I told everyone I worked with how insanely odd it was seeing that actor. One of my male co-workers was retiring and he actually GAVE ME the personal cellphone number of that actor as a “gift”. I never called him of course but he did call the office a couple of times and I got to talk to him that way. As it turns out, my love had faded. My point is, having that love obsession sustained me for a long time. I was a single mom, living in a remote area, and all my time was spent working and raising my daughter. I was lonely as hell. I did not think it hurt anyone for me to have loved a character on TV. It gave me something I didn’t have. Now I’m in my 60s and I will never love or be close to or touch another human being. It would only invite pain that I can no longer tolerate. I think you are brave, Milky-Way, for living your life honestly and giving yourself what you need. If you need to be “selfish” and just post your own questions and feelings, then just DO IT. 😉 I think we’ve all been there.

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