Abandoned

[Clandestine]

For past ten years of my life I have been alone. Ever since I was six years old I have had problems making friends. I can vividly remember my first day of the first grade.There was a girl holding the door for everyone in line and as each student passed through the door the young girl pointed at each individual and said " I like you, I don't know you, I like you". I was the last person in line and when she pointed at me she immediately said "I don't like you". I could not believe that this girl had said that to me, she did not know me and clearly had no premise upon which to build her hatred. Years later I realized that it was due to my uncontrollable eczema on my face. After that I was blacklisted as the kid with eczema that everyone thought of as a target for teasing. One day a kid came up to me a gave me a piece of candy for lunch because he claimed he did not want it. I ate the candy because it happened to be my favorite flavor. Minutes later the kid and his friends came up to me laughing and giggling. He asked me had I eaten the candy, and I lied and said no out of fear. To which he replied " Good, because I coughed on it". I got sick several days after that.

School did not get any better after that. In the fifth grade I tried to make my teachers aware of my inability to make friends through pictures but they only ignored them. And middle school, was the worst. Kids verbally and physically excoriated me every single day for no particular reason. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in or work through my problems with the counselor nothing seemed to work and no one seemed to care. When I got high school I thought that I reinvent myself and finally make friends but kids just pushed me away in disgust. Their groups had already been formed. In the 10th grade my mother signed me up for Big Brothers and Big Sisters program so that I could have good mentors in my life. They placed me with a 26 year old young engineer at General Electric. She was tons of fun and I we had a lot in common when it came to books and films. That was the first time that I began to realize that my commonalities lied with older people. Anyway, her boyfriend moved in with her and afterwards she stopped calling. I was left alone for the rest of my high school years.

Sure, I spoke to people but I was never able to say the right thing or find commonalities. I hung out with one person out of the four years I was in high school and not until recently have gotten closer since her friends have abandoned her. Which make me wonder if she truly my friend. Not to mention the fact that she has a boyfriend that is the apple of her eye. This year I met a friend from NYC, 24 years- old, who I also had tons in common with and came to see her as a true friend that wanted to be my friend as badly as I wanted to be hers, Until one day she randomly abandoned me and went back to NYC unannounced. I have been in a perennial state of sporadic depression ever since then, and have deluded myself into believing that someday we can friends again. My "friend" Jen ,who I came closer to after my previous "friend" abandoned ,me tried very hard to comfort me and be a "true friend". She is 20 years-old going on 21 and claims to be a true friend but I can't trust her and a part of me doesn't want to be her friend. I am completely lost.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I am so sorry for what you have been through, as someone who's been teased and picked on growing up I understand how you feel. I have major trust issues myself with people, I've had friends that used me, broken trust, and have lied. It hurts and it tears your apart. Having eczema on top of that sounds like it was very difficult for you. Seems like that little girls parents never taught her proper manors. Little kids don't understand, they point, ask questions out loud that they shouldn't, but to have her do what she did at that age is disgusting.

That thing with the candy, something similar happened to me before, it wasn't coughed on, it was dropped on the floor. I never ate it though because the kids who gave it to me teased and taunted me so I never trusted them. Kids can be cruel, when they are young they don't quite understand how what they do can affect a person. Even into their teens they some rarely understand it as well, and being a teenager in high school is rough. No one wants to be the loner, or odd person out, they just want to either fit in, be the person everyone wants to be friends with, or fly under the radar and hope no one notices them.

This Jen person sounds like she may genuinely care about you. You have trust issues as well, but that doesn't mean you can't let her be your friend. I'm not saying you have to let down your guard, trust is your problem, like me, that is something we have to work on. I outright tell people that I have trust issues, and for those that don't quite get why I explain it to them. This really bother one young man I worked with, he didn't know why I wouldn't trust him (though he proved why a few years later). It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I had the issue with trusting people, at the time he hadn't done anything to not be trusted. Now I believe you earn trust, it isn't just given, and people like us who find it hard to trust people it is even harder to earn. But those who are willing to be there for you should gain a little more trust.

I too was in big brother/sister program and it was very rewarding. Sadly my big brother was starting a family and wouldn't have time for his duties anymore, as with my brother's big brother (we're twins so we were both able to get into the program). That's what sucks about it too, when you get placed with a younger person who will eventually start their own family. They aren't contracted to their duties, it's all volunteer. I really wish it could have continued a bit longer but like you the time we had was very enriching.

Just don't push people away, let them in, let them be your friend. You have a powerful tool at your disposal, knowledge. You been through some rough times growing up, you've lost friends you connected with, you've lost trust in people, but you now have all of that to pull from in developing relationships with people as you continue on in life.

I hope you find your way. There's the old saying, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

 

[Clandestine]

I am so sorry for what you have been through, as someone who's been teased and picked on growing up I understand how you feel. I have major trust issues myself with people, I've had friends that used me, broken trust, and have lied. It hurts and it tears your apart. Having eczema on top of that sounds like it was very difficult for you. Seems like that little girls parents never taught her proper manors. Little kids don't understand, they point, ask questions out loud that they shouldn't, but to have her do what she did at that age is disgusting.

That thing with the candy, something similar happened to me before, it wasn't coughed on, it was dropped on the floor. I never ate it though because the kids who gave it to me teased and taunted me so I never trusted them. Kids can be cruel, when they are young they don't quite understand how what they do can affect a person. Even into their teens they some rarely understand it as well, and being a teenager in high school is rough. No one wants to be the loner, or odd person out, they just want to either fit in, be the person everyone wants to be friends with, or fly under the radar and hope no one notices them.

This Jen person sounds like she may genuinely care about you. You have trust issues as well, but that doesn't mean you can't let her be your friend. I'm not saying you have to let down your guard, trust is your problem, like me, that is something we have to work on. I outright tell people that I have trust issues, and for those that don't quite get why I explain it to them. This really bother one young man I worked with, he didn't know why I wouldn't trust him (though he proved why a few years later). It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I had the issue with trusting people, at the time he hadn't done anything to not be trusted. Now I believe you earn trust, it isn't just given, and people like us who find it hard to trust people it is even harder to earn. But those who are willing to be there for you should gain a little more trust.

I too was in big brother/sister program and it was very rewarding. Sadly my big brother was starting a family and wouldn't have time for his duties anymore, as with my brother's big brother (we're twins so we were both able to get into the program). That's what sucks about it too, when you get placed with a younger person who will eventually start their own family. They aren't contracted to their duties, it's all volunteer. I really wish it could have continued a bit longer but like you the time we had was very enriching.

Just don't push people away, let them in, let them be your friend. You have a powerful tool at your disposal, knowledge. You been through some rough times growing up, you've lost friends you connected with, you've lost trust in people, but you now have all of that to pull from in developing relationships with people as you continue on in life.

I hope you find your way. There's the old saying, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Sci-Fi, thank you so much for your comment. I feel welcomed already and would love to talk more about BBBS and learning to trust people. I think you are quite right all of the events that have happened will hopefully turn out to be useful in the future. The hard thing about moving on and learning to trust is knowing where to begin. How does one pull themselves out the gutter when they have become accustomed to it for so long? As much as I would love to take a baseball bat to the head of some of my old friends I still find my self reminiscing on the great times we had together. It makes me horrible to know that all of that fun and is gone. That the witty jokes, the intellectual conversations, and their lovable idiosyncrasies are gone. But I suppose, somehow these means will justify the ends.

Feel free to message me at anytime.