Haineko
Active member
I just cannot initiate, or keep if there is a planetary align and I do manage to initiate, a conversation with others outside of my family/girlfriend. It´s not something that happens only with unknown people, as even when around my family/girlfriend I have to make a tremendous effort in order to initiate and/or keep somewhat of a conversation.
In case you are wondering, it´s always been like this since I was a small child. More than likely, some of this is due to the fact that, as I´ve never liked the same things as most people [I don´t like football, going to the disco, or anything like that] other kids always picked on me, with humilliation being a constant part of my life. That led me not only to feel a lot of hatred towards others, but also toward myself, as I constantly had this inner voice telling me that nothing I said would interest others, so it would be better for me to keep my mouth shut.
And it is true, as due to the fact that I am just unable to talk to others in a deep, meaningful way I pretty much have no friends. The three people I could call "friends" backstabbed me when I needed them the most, so that just fueled the thought that people just don´t give a **** about me. As I have no friends, my life is a complete, boring routine where I do the same things day by day. As a result, there´s nothing interesting going on in my life and therefore, I have nothing to talk about to others. So even if I manage to make a good first impression, people get bored quickly and go away, just like always. I don´t know why, but I just feel blocked when it comes to social situations. Don´t know what to ask, how to react, and it´s driving me nuts as it´s just another reason that confirms my unworthiness.
As the icing on the cake, I have no special talent or skill whatsoever; there is nothing that I´m specially good at. Can´t sing, draw or write even if my life depended on it, failed my driving test twice, I am also not good for sports...not good looking either, which has led me to ask myself: if I am not good looking, good at sports or intelligent either, then what do I have? Nothing, aside from an inferiority complex bigger than the Titanic, as my younger brother has everything I don´t: good looking, athletic, good at writing and playing games, knows how to handle social situations, has a high self - esteem...because of this, he´s always been the focus of attention for my family, whereas I´ve been nothing more than "the weird, silent one" I even stopped going to new year parties because it was all praise when it came to him, while I could drown myself in the bathroom for all they cared. The only person who´d given a **** about me had been my mother, who is one of the reasons why I´m still alive by now. [considered suicide 3 times already]
I also have a girlfriend, but she´s like the total opposite of me in every aspect: good - looking, intelligent, good at social situations, a quick learner, knows what her goals in life are, persistent...the list goes on. Hell, I don´t know what is it that she saw in me ._. but if there´s something that I know, is that she´ll eventually leave me for someone who´s more like her. As of now, I feel more like her shadow and less like her boyfriend.
Now, why does the topic have such a title? because that´s exactly how I feel. No set goals for the future, and nothing but broken dreams ._. I am currently doing my professional internship at a good place, but due to the way I am people have just stopped caring about me and it´s almost as if I wasn´t there ._. just thinking that this situation will repeat itself in the future scares me. As of now, I am not living; I am just surviving to the strings of fate.
The only good thing I can think of, is that I am finally venting how I truly feel, even if it´s on the internet. Anyways, thank you to whoever takes the time to read this =)
In case you are wondering, it´s always been like this since I was a small child. More than likely, some of this is due to the fact that, as I´ve never liked the same things as most people [I don´t like football, going to the disco, or anything like that] other kids always picked on me, with humilliation being a constant part of my life. That led me not only to feel a lot of hatred towards others, but also toward myself, as I constantly had this inner voice telling me that nothing I said would interest others, so it would be better for me to keep my mouth shut.
And it is true, as due to the fact that I am just unable to talk to others in a deep, meaningful way I pretty much have no friends. The three people I could call "friends" backstabbed me when I needed them the most, so that just fueled the thought that people just don´t give a **** about me. As I have no friends, my life is a complete, boring routine where I do the same things day by day. As a result, there´s nothing interesting going on in my life and therefore, I have nothing to talk about to others. So even if I manage to make a good first impression, people get bored quickly and go away, just like always. I don´t know why, but I just feel blocked when it comes to social situations. Don´t know what to ask, how to react, and it´s driving me nuts as it´s just another reason that confirms my unworthiness.
As the icing on the cake, I have no special talent or skill whatsoever; there is nothing that I´m specially good at. Can´t sing, draw or write even if my life depended on it, failed my driving test twice, I am also not good for sports...not good looking either, which has led me to ask myself: if I am not good looking, good at sports or intelligent either, then what do I have? Nothing, aside from an inferiority complex bigger than the Titanic, as my younger brother has everything I don´t: good looking, athletic, good at writing and playing games, knows how to handle social situations, has a high self - esteem...because of this, he´s always been the focus of attention for my family, whereas I´ve been nothing more than "the weird, silent one" I even stopped going to new year parties because it was all praise when it came to him, while I could drown myself in the bathroom for all they cared. The only person who´d given a **** about me had been my mother, who is one of the reasons why I´m still alive by now. [considered suicide 3 times already]
I also have a girlfriend, but she´s like the total opposite of me in every aspect: good - looking, intelligent, good at social situations, a quick learner, knows what her goals in life are, persistent...the list goes on. Hell, I don´t know what is it that she saw in me ._. but if there´s something that I know, is that she´ll eventually leave me for someone who´s more like her. As of now, I feel more like her shadow and less like her boyfriend.
Now, why does the topic have such a title? because that´s exactly how I feel. No set goals for the future, and nothing but broken dreams ._. I am currently doing my professional internship at a good place, but due to the way I am people have just stopped caring about me and it´s almost as if I wasn´t there ._. just thinking that this situation will repeat itself in the future scares me. As of now, I am not living; I am just surviving to the strings of fate.
The only good thing I can think of, is that I am finally venting how I truly feel, even if it´s on the internet. Anyways, thank you to whoever takes the time to read this =)