Am I screwed for life?

[Haineko]

I just cannot initiate, or keep if there is a planetary align and I do manage to initiate, a conversation with others outside of my family/girlfriend. It´s not something that happens only with unknown people, as even when around my family/girlfriend I have to make a tremendous effort in order to initiate and/or keep somewhat of a conversation.

In case you are wondering, it´s always been like this since I was a small child. More than likely, some of this is due to the fact that, as I´ve never liked the same things as most people [I don´t like football, going to the disco, or anything like that] other kids always picked on me, with humilliation being a constant part of my life. That led me not only to feel a lot of hatred towards others, but also toward myself, as I constantly had this inner voice telling me that nothing I said would interest others, so it would be better for me to keep my mouth shut.

And it is true, as due to the fact that I am just unable to talk to others in a deep, meaningful way I pretty much have no friends. The three people I could call "friends" backstabbed me when I needed them the most, so that just fueled the thought that people just don´t give a **** about me. As I have no friends, my life is a complete, boring routine where I do the same things day by day. As a result, there´s nothing interesting going on in my life and therefore, I have nothing to talk about to others. So even if I manage to make a good first impression, people get bored quickly and go away, just like always. I don´t know why, but I just feel blocked when it comes to social situations. Don´t know what to ask, how to react, and it´s driving me nuts as it´s just another reason that confirms my unworthiness.

As the icing on the cake, I have no special talent or skill whatsoever; there is nothing that I´m specially good at. Can´t sing, draw or write even if my life depended on it, failed my driving test twice, I am also not good for sports...not good looking either, which has led me to ask myself: if I am not good looking, good at sports or intelligent either, then what do I have? Nothing, aside from an inferiority complex bigger than the Titanic, as my younger brother has everything I don´t: good looking, athletic, good at writing and playing games, knows how to handle social situations, has a high self - esteem...because of this, he´s always been the focus of attention for my family, whereas I´ve been nothing more than "the weird, silent one" I even stopped going to new year parties because it was all praise when it came to him, while I could drown myself in the bathroom for all they cared. The only person who´d given a **** about me had been my mother, who is one of the reasons why I´m still alive by now. [considered suicide 3 times already]

I also have a girlfriend, but she´s like the total opposite of me in every aspect: good - looking, intelligent, good at social situations, a quick learner, knows what her goals in life are, persistent...the list goes on. Hell, I don´t know what is it that she saw in me ._. but if there´s something that I know, is that she´ll eventually leave me for someone who´s more like her. As of now, I feel more like her shadow and less like her boyfriend.

Now, why does the topic have such a title? because that´s exactly how I feel. No set goals for the future, and nothing but broken dreams ._. I am currently doing my professional internship at a good place, but due to the way I am people have just stopped caring about me and it´s almost as if I wasn´t there ._. just thinking that this situation will repeat itself in the future scares me. As of now, I am not living; I am just surviving to the strings of fate.

The only good thing I can think of, is that I am finally venting how I truly feel, even if it´s on the internet. Anyways, thank you to whoever takes the time to read this =)

 

[somniloquy]

Why don't you start off by trying to savor the good moments with your girl friend that you do get? Whether you two separate in the future or not is irrelevant to the now. For the moment just enjoy being with her, being happy does not come from worrying about what is to come but from enjoying what is.

Focus on the good. The bad is out there, there is nothing you can do about it by worrying. Look at it in the eyes, defiantly and literally tell it off. Live for the today. There is a whole tomorrow to worry about tomorrow.

And I know how hard it can be to start thinking positively, but all it takes is time and the willpower to do it. Get that strong willpower from the love that your mother has for you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I found that making a gratitude list was very, very helpful.
It took me weeks to finally lift a 1000lb pin to get the ball rolling.
Once I did it...there was a mental shift or attitude.
Slight as it maybe, it was actaully a big step. I wake up everyday now
and start off my day as being grateful for what i have today.

I've also been working on being positive. I read and google
being positive. Followed simple instructions. I felt much improvments.
I even ware a rubber band around my wrist. I snap it when I notice
I start going into negative thinking. I catch myself faster and faster.

I know alot of it ...is just in my head. My perception of the world
and life in general. I needed to change my perceptions.

I've also reserch on the negative inner vioce or inner dialog.
There's plenty of article on the net pertaining to this.
There's also simple instructions i can follow to replace the negative
inner vioce.

Honestly i felt like crap and I became openminded enough becuase
I was sick and tired of sick and tire. The pain and misery was my
willingness to change

It just takes practice

 

[SilentThinker]

There is nothing much wrong with having no common interest with other people.I have them normally.

I was also backstabbed by a "good friend" of mine who chose the group and abadoned me.
The other "good friend" of mine talked bad things in front of me and behind me.
There are backstabbers and these good friends were regarded as my close friend

Dun be so pessimistic,You are not that bad like you said.I could not write a post that express my frustrations so clearly.

I am also not good looking.I looked like a nerd and I looked like a pole.I never was able to socialize in groups.Always quiet when people are talking.I am never those of the sports people.

 

[Ithought]

A part of yes being low self-confidence.
You already push away your girlfriend being low self-confidence.
You still have tons of things you can try and check what you are good with.
You will see what you are looking for.
Please stay with us. don’t walk into the cave alone.
they don’t know you are there.

 

[Cherrytree]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think you might be looking at your brother through rose coloured spectacles. Because everybody praises him and talks down on you, you feel bad about yourself and become (unconsiously) convinced of the fact that your brother has no flaws, that he's somehow perfect. Now, I don't know him, and I hardly know you - but to me you sound like a far more interesting person. Interesting because:

1. You don't have those general / standard interests a lot of people (maybe even your brother) have. I like that instead, you're into anime for example (Bleach for the win! ^^).
2. Your brother's life sounds perfect. I'd get bored with people who don't stumble across (personal) problems and issues from time to time. Happiness isn't happiness if you haven't experienced sadness too.
3. If your brother hasn't tried to help you with your problems in any way, if even just slightly, he's not a very good or supportive brother.
4. You let your real feelings out. And you can write about them and describe them beautifully. Could he?

I was making this list so that maybe you can see some good things in yourself, and maybe some flaws in your bro. So that maybe you can get some perspective and be proud of who you are. People judge quickly, too fast. Some of your family members might see you only once a year. And in that one day they're sure they know exactly who you are (and who your brother is). And if that doesn't fit up to their expectations, they decide to talk down on you while you have enough problems as it is. Which I'd say is just stupid. It's like kicking someone when he's down. There is a lot of good in you, be someone you can be happy about - don't focus on what other could be happy with.

 

[Haineko]

somniloquy:You know...there are so many right things in your post that it is almost scary o.o because if we are meant to be apart or together later on is something that will happen either way, regardless of how much I worry about it. And if it is going to happen, I want to at least be able to say that we had a good time together =) I will also try to follow your last suggestion, which I´m sure will take a long time as the thoughts held for years cannot be changed in a week or two,
but there has to be a solution out there...there just has to be...

Lonesome Crow:Thanks for the support and suggestions ^_^ you are right, it is all in my head and that is what makes everything harder
as it makes me believe that it is all reality, that it is the true
way of the world. I really hope it is not, so trying the gratitude
list idea may actually be a good thing for I have also looked for
information on google and found how it allows you to have a
better focus on the positive stuff =)

PD: Nice username I really like crows ;D

Silent Thinker: I know...the thing is, the problem I described in my post happens even with people who are into the same things as me. So I´ve started to think it goes way beyond just not having the same interests as others it is sad to read that you also went through the backstabbing thing, and if I may ask a question: were/are you able to trust people now? because in my case I ended up believing (something I still do) that since I have no good qualities there is no way that anyone would approach me just because of who I am; there had to be an ulterior motive. And thanks many people have told me that my writing is really good, yet I find myself unable to agree with them because I just had to be a [censored] perfectionist, something that contributes to my negative beliefs. Oh well =)

Cherrytree: First of all, thanks ^_^ !! I believe what you say is quite true, although I don´t believe him to be perfect or anything like that...I just know he is way better than me, but that´s life now, to the point:

1) It has always been like that; I´ve never liked sports, going to the
disco or social settings like that, always hated stuff like fotolog or facebook [no offense to anyone here who has one, but at least here in Chile, those things turn people into mindless sheep u_u] and on the other hand, liked other stuff like anime and videogames [Yay ! a Bleach fan ^^ btw I took my name from there, as it is the name of Rangiku´s zampakutou hehe] which have separated me from my brother, who on a side note used to like those things too but later on became a more "normal person" who goes to parties and stuff like that =(

2) It´s not been perfect, as in middle school his entire class hated him and made his life a living hell...he even tried to hang himself once and would have done it, had not a friend of his stopped him in the last minute. But, what fuels my envy [I accepted the fact that I envy him a long time ago] and beliefs is that he, despite that, managed to go on and face life, while I drowned myself in total darkness

3. Tried to help? I wish lol. Actually he´s done quite the opposite, as now he looks down on me just like every other member of my family [except for my mother] on top of it, his girlfriend is just like him [that is an arrogant, self - centered [censored] who believes he/she can step over everyone] and things got even worse after he told me "You know, I don´t give a **** about you...never have, never will" so as far as I´m concerned, I should have been an only child

4. You know...I almost wrote "yes, he could" but then I realized that it´s part of my "he´s better than me in everything" belief ._. you are right, and thank you for that !! your post made my day a little brighter

 

[SilentThinker]

Silent Thinker: I know...the thing is, the problem I described in my post happens even with people who are into the same things as me. So I´ve started to think it goes way beyond just not having the same interests as others it is sad to read that you also went through the backstabbing thing, and if I may ask a question: were/are you able to trust people now? because in my case I ended up believing (something I still do) that since I have no good qualities there is no way that anyone would approach me just because of who I am; there had to be an ulterior motive. And thanks many people have told me that my writing is really good, yet I find myself unable to agree with them because I just had to be a [censored] perfectionist, something that contributes to my negative beliefs. Oh well =)

Were/are you able to trust people now?

It was hard at the start but in the end,I learnt that it needed to be done.I had to trust people with the friendship.If I did not trust the person,he could sense it and the relationship would suffer.

My trust in them grows when I know and understand them better.

Normally perfectionists have a high level of competence.It is good to set high expectations but also realistic goals too.I too is a perfectionist and I never find success in anything.Only when I have low expectations that do not come from a perfectionist,things seems to lighten up.

 

[Cherrytree]

Cherrytree: First of all, thanks ^_^ !! I believe what you say is quite true, although I don´t believe him to be perfect or anything like that...I just know he is way better than me, but that´s life

Yeah I realize "perfect" was perhaps too big a word . I remember looking up to my brother and looking down on myself, but I never actually thought my brother was perfect.

1) It has always been like that; I´ve never liked sports, going to the
disco or social settings like that, always hated stuff like fotolog or facebook [no offense to anyone here who has one, but at least here in Chile, those things turn people into mindless sheep u_u] and on the other hand, liked other stuff like anime and videogames [Yay ! a Bleach fan ^^ btw I took my name from there, as it is the name of Rangiku´s zampakutou hehe] which have separated me from my brother, who on a side note used to like those things too but later on became a more "normal person" who goes to parties and stuff like that =(

Oh me neither. I suck severly at sports and the one time I was in a disco I wanted to leave immediately. Never been on facebook either, yuck (we have something similair in the Netherlands called "Hyves" though, I have an account there, but it's a tad bit different). And yes I could tell you were a Bleach fan from your user name . Matsumoto Rangiku is a such loveable character, her and Hitsugaya make such a funny team xD
Too bad your brother turned away from those interests.

2) It´s not been perfect, as in middle school his entire class hated him and made his life a living hell...he even tried to hang himself once and would have done it, had not a friend of his stopped him in the last minute. But, what fuels my envy [I accepted the fact that I envy him a long time ago] and beliefs is that he, despite that, managed to go on and face life, while I drowned myself in total darkness

Sorry again, maybe "perfect" wasn't the right word here either. I can get in to why you're envious.

3. Tried to help? I wish lol. Actually he´s done quite the opposite, as now he looks down on me just like every other member of my family [except for my mother] on top of it, his girlfriend is just like him [that is an arrogant, self - centered [censored] who believes he/she can step over everyone] and things got even worse after he told me "You know, I don´t give a **** about you...never have, never will" so as far as I´m concerned, I should have been an only child

It sucks your brother is mean to you like that o.0
If it makes anything better, I hate arrogant, self-centered people like that. Most people can get a bit of my sympathy, but not them.

4. You know...I almost wrote "yes, he could" but then I realized that it´s part of my "he´s better than me in everything" belief ._. you are right, and thank you for that !! your post made my day a little brighter

I'm glad for it ^^

 

[querida]

hi haineko,

sorry to see your feeling this way....however hopefully by sharing and talking on the forum you will be able to start to feel better about yourself and gain more confidence in yourself and others.

you mentioned that you don't like what other people normally like - just because you are different doesnt make you not interesting as you mentioned, in fact, the total opposite...perhaps you can try to find some like minded people who share the same enthusiasm for your interests? also don't beat yourself up over certain qualities you do not posses, such as singing or drawing, as far too much emphasis is placed on qualities such as those, when in fact there are a thousand other skills in the world of higher value that go unsung!

i agree with the others also - cherish the moments you have with your girlfriend, thats not to say they are limited, but you are fortunate to have found someone to spend time with and you should make the most of it. also remember, your gf obviously saw some really positive and wonderful traits in yourself

cheers!

 

[UnsolvableQuestion]

ive always been the quite/shy type... always thinking that no one had interest in me or what i think about, so whats the point of trying to conversate. im so uncomfortable around alot of people, like at a club or party. Since ive had a gf i distance myself from my friends cuz wanted to spend so much time with her. im 23 now and i feel like time went by so fast and time is running out fast. i feel if i dont do something soon im going to be stuck being like this for the rest of my life. it has effected our relationship as she has left me twice already and now we are trying again. i have to stop thinking so negatively about myself, and how much of useless piece of honeysuckle i am compared to others. and start thinking about myself and not care about what others around me think. i seem to have found this to be the root of my problem and if i can fix, i can rid myself of all the sadness, thus making me happier and ultimately a better life with friends. i dont watch or play sports at all but i have started to work out and eating healthier and taking multivitamins and stuff. it helps relieve some of the stress.

 

[gal_lisa]

no i don't think so (am i screwed for life?) nobody is. none of us are. we just need to learn how to get out there again. coping skills and stuff. keep trying.

 

[Haineko]

Thanks to everyone for posting on this topic,
it is really helpful for me now, to something else:

I don´t know if it has happened to anyone, but I´ve
always felt that my life is as stagnant as it can get ._.
that everyone else is moving forward, changing, evolving...
whereas I am pretty much the same person as I was, say,
2 or 3 years ago. Which has led me to feel that I´m slowly
making myself fall behind the world, as my life is pretty much
stuck in a neverending routine.

This didn´t use to bother me, but usually I´ve started to be...
more aware, should I say? how I´m more like a robot than
a living human being; everything is home - work - home - work
rinse and repeat ad infinitum. And I´m thinking that it is where
the source of myself being somewhat bored with life, since

non - existant self esteem ----> fear of changes ----> afraid
to try anything new ----> routine ----> stagnation ----> feeling
of "being trapped by circumstances" ---> totally passive attitude --->
whatever few changes happen are caused by others ---> being bored

Now, my guess on why this happens...people with a normal self - esteem and a positive outlook on life are not afraid of changes, because they see them as a potential positive thing that may improve their life, while people with low self - esteem and a negative outlook on life see new things as something else that may be harmful for them. The sad part is, my knowledge stops at the "theory - ish" level, as I have no clue about how to break this cycle which is slowly driving me nuts. Has it happened to someone else? and if so, have you been able to solve it?

Cheers =)

 

[SilentThinker]

Now, my guess on why this happens...people with a normal self - esteem and a positive outlook on life are not afraid of changes, because they see them as a potential positive thing that may improve their life, while people with low self - esteem and a negative outlook on life see new things as something else that may be harmful for them. The sad part is, my knowledge stops at the "theory - ish" level, as I have no clue about how to break this cycle which is slowly driving me nuts. Has it happened to someone else? and if so, have you been able to solve it?

It is a choice to be negative and it is a choice to be positive.Some people chooses to be positive and some people chooses to be negative.

Here a food for thought:
There is a man who fails in every maths examination and find it almost impossible to pass it.
The other man also have the same situation.

The first man said,"How could I pass it?It is impossible.Look at my experience.How could I could did well?"
The second man said,"Though I may not succeed,but I will make a try at it."

Now,which man has the highest chance of passing the maths examination?The one who have given up or the one who continues?

 

[Cherrytree]

I think you need to try some new things. Try to break your routine and do something you haven't done before or don't do often. Try finding new hobbies, engage in new activities and so on. Reading, drawing, dancing, gaming, singing, some kind of sport, or start collecting something worthless (like those soda can pins or something, it's silly but it's a lot of fun!). The more time you put in something the more fun it's gonna be. When I was like seven or so I used to sew tiny plushies with my friend. I picked that up again and now I'm making something for my boyfriend, and I love doing it ^^

Or maybe do something more extreme. Like.. go on rollercoaster rides, bungee jumping, airgliding, skiing.
Something that makes you feel alive! In case you have already come up with several reasons as to why you can't do any of this (like: I don't have the time/money, I don't feel like it, I'm not creative/athletic enough), don't hide behind those excuses. You don't have to start out big.

I think if you start doing something new, learn things and get better at things (which takes time) you'll feel like you're moving forward a bit more.

And like SilentThinker said, you can achieve more with a positive stance than a negative one.
I don't remember where I heard this, but:
"The world consists of 10% white, and 10% black. The other 80% is grey. You can perceive it as either black or white, but that's up to you."

 

[SadRabbit]

Humm, am really sorry I have no advice to give you....but yeah don't give up on hope alright. Just to let you know, I am pretty much same as you. Which brings me to another point too, I am too ashamed to have a girlfriend.

 

[TripleA]

Edit: nevermind...

 

[MiKeY]

No one is entirely screwed for life; each day is a very real opportunity to reform your life. You don't need some kind of huge epiphany or pseudo-religious experience to decide to start living differently. Like the cliche says: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You have the power to assert your will, make a change, and pursue your own sense of happiness.

Unless you're living in some sort of totalitarian dictatorship (and I suppose you're not, as you have access to the internet and this forum), you have a certain amount of social and personal freedom. You're not FORCED to stay at a particular job or school. Do what you'd like to do, and if it's not possible at the moment, take the initial steps to make it happen.

It's never too late to start over.

 

[TripleA]

I know the only one with the power to change anything in my life is me, I was just saying it's not easy for less courageous people like me.

 

[Needles]

Sorry to hear this. I have the same problem with not being able to react properly in social situations, not having anything really interesting to talk to people about (I love anime, computer games, nerdy things, etc.) but it's like taboo to even mention those things to kids at my college. So, since I can't talk about anything I'm interested in, I don't talk. This, of course, leads to the same predicament you're in: you can't really make friends if you have nothing you are both interested in.

Well, so far, my solution has been to give some people I meet in class some mindless small talk about whatever they start talking about and then as you get to know them a little you just talk about what interests you. What I've tended to notice is that most people I've met have this hidden personality that they keep hidden to try to appear like the cool A&F model who only likes girls, beer and cars. This hidden personality usually involves huge nerd crushes on things I absolutely love. I met a guy in a fraternity that watches and talks about Bleach and Naruto Shippuuden subs weekly as they come out and we talk about that and computer games quite a lot.

I am sorry to hear about your brother and how everyone treats him better than you, but my advice to you is to not give up. There will always been someone you have something in common with, it might just take a while to find them. You should try talking about something you enjoy doing or watching with people you meet. You never know when an awesome friend will come in to your life.

I don't know if any of this helps, and I can't say I find what I'm telling you to do easy for me to accomplish either, but occasionally I will find a person who keeps talking to me even though I think to myself that they won't be interested in what I have to say.