An insight into my 2009

[GoingInsane]

I feel as though my life is at a complete halt now. I see no way of doing anything about it. Last year was good because I could interact with like-minded people which gave me potential to meet up and hang out with them when I had my part-time job. Although I was reluctant to suggest anything with them, I loved their company and now I'm in the situation I'm in I wish I did suggest something.

Since I've had to quit my part time job at the end of last year to do my full time job, I'm now surrounded by people who already have healthy social lives and don't see me as someone who could integrate as they have far more superior social skills. One problem I have is the people I now work with have different interests to myself, and a sense of humor which is different to my own.

I have more life keys this year like a driving license and a full time job to earn enough money to buy bigger and better things, but there is no opportunities to mix with like-minded people and I'm now stuck wondering when the next available opportunity may be. Trying to interact with people on a different wave length to your own can be daunting. I had a much healthier social network last year and I was more confident with myself and definately more sociable. Now this year is just depressing, haven't been invited out anywhere, done anything exciting apart from maybe gone out with my family a few times which can get boring.

I'm missing out on so much and the thought of it hurts. I have a few issues with my social skills that I'm trying to fix, like smile more and listen harder to what other people are saying, and engage more conversation without looking bored and down, but as my depression worsens, these flaws become even harder to fix.

Friday and Saturday nights can be the most painful, thinking about all those people who have loads of friends and meeting girls having a great time, can depress me to the point where I just want to top myself.

I have no idea why I'm here, it's just so meaningless and it always has been but this year has been one of the worst years of my life. 2008 and 7 had more fun times. From the end of last year to now it's just been a downward spiral. I'm struggling to do my job properly because I'm so depressed the whole time. I question my job security. I constantly feel a struggle to breathe like there is a tightness in my lungs and wanting to cry. Having to face customers is daunting because they expect you to be smiley, polite and helpful but all you want to help is yourself. Although I try and please customers the best I can, it still isn't enough for a lot of them.

I'm looked upon as being slow, unintelligent, rude, miserable, quiet and clumsy but it's not how I really am, it's just the depression is taking over and bringing me down to the point where I want to die. I talk about it with my parents and the reply I get is "you have got a lot going for you, you're a good looking boy" and hearing that makes me angry because they all know there's NOTHING going for me.

How the fresia do I change it, I cant stop thinking about the past and all the wrong choices I've made, I just clearly haven't played my cards right and all the wrong moves from the past are now affecting the future.

I also get the feeling of being trapped in time or something, and there being no change in life and there is no possible way of it changing. I'm 19, have I really got to live another 10, 20, 30, 40 or whatever years being in the same situation... what the fresia do I do?

Whenever I have made the effort to change things in my life, it always backfires somehow or goes disastrously wrong.

There is something about 2009 (I know it's only a year, but I feel each year has either a good or a bad feel about it and this one has a bad one)

Just thought I'd share abit about my issues.

Anyone is the same boat?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm not sure what you mean by minded people?
Most people on this planet have a mind of thiers own.

On a personal level or experience. My trouble begins when I start
compairing myself to other people. Yet at the same tokken what I
think or value as good is not so good to some people.
Not evreyone is going to percieve or process life as I do.
In other words I was closed minded.
In other words I cutted myself short of people that didn't fit into my frame of thoughts
or think like I do. I identifiy people as good or bad just becuase they were different.

I had to change my mind or learn how to percieve life differently.
I had to learn that people are different and think differently than I do.
Just becuase people dosn't agree with me dose not mesn they are wrong nor bad.
People just have different ideas, experinces and opinions than I do.

The other thing I also had to do was control my thinking.
Decipline my mind and not let my mind run my life.
Such as...telling it to stop thinking about the past becuase what happened in the past
dosn't not necessary mean it will predict my future.
I needed to to stop that type of old thinking process or ideas so that i can change and grow.

I'm the master ...not my mind.
I also had to do a lot of de-programing or adjustments.
In other words..what worked for me as a child don't work for me today.
Certain thought process or perceptions from 5 years ago won't work for me today.
In other words...it's a growing and re birth process of higher consiousness.
I also had to stay humble and remain teachable.
As a young man in my 20's...I thought I had all the fucken answers...I was so..so wrong about many things.

I also had to change my attitude, perceptions, or thinking process.
Rahter than veiw life's many problems , I can simply veiw them as challenges.
Sometimes I'm up to the challegnes other times I'm not.
Sometimes I need to regroup and gather myself.
Other times I need help from other people...in most cases...people that dosn't think exactly like me.
I mean...how in the hell am I going to change if i keep thinking and doing the samething over and over again?
Life changes with or without me. Other times my life changes only when I change.
I had to learn how to be flexiable...other wise I'll fucken break.

Changes are hard...not doupt about that...It's through perseverence, faith and picking
myself up after set backs after set backs in some cases everything gose fucken wrong.
that changes will happen.
This is where not compairing myself to others help me.

I needed to stop beating up on myself.
I needed to give myself more credit.
I needed to look at the possitive side of things.
I needed to be grateful for what I have and what I have accomplised.
I needed to give myself a fucken break.
I needed to love myself.

Happiness is an inside job...it starts with me..Inside of me and expand outward.
I become less and less dependent on outside circumstance for me to be okay with me.
I had to learn how accept and love myself and live under my own skin.
Though life on life's terms may not always go my way and I do get rattled by it sometimes.
I try to learn from each situations whether that are painful or not.

I don't know what's going to happend tomorrow...I need to bring my mind back to
today. I can make long term plans and short term plans.
Set out to achive those plans by taking actions or do the foot work to the best of my abilities.
There's only so much I can do for today. Changes dosn't happen over night and it dosn't
always gose smoothly or according to my plans or what I want.
However I have directions if I set goals...achivable goals...so that I don't set myself up for a fall.
Whatever accomplishments I achieved, I need to give myself credit no matter how big or small.
Whatever the outcome or result next month...I have to let go of that.

Want I do or achive is not me. they are an expression of me...however they're still not me.
Just like the 3 songs in my signature...that's not me...it's something that I did.
Not everyone is going to like or enjoy my music...that's okay. I'm not the music I play or wrote.
My music is neither good nor bad...it's just something I do or expressed.

What happens in life whether it's good or bad is not me.
I'm me....I experince life.
I'm me...I'm not my thoughts or emotions. I experince thoughts and emotions.

In other words..I'm not my failures or mistakes. It's through failure and mistakes
that I might learn or accomplish things in my life.
Sucess sometimes are series of failures. Sometimes it's not the finish line,...its the journey itself.
mmmm...the fucken finish line is my freaken grave..what happens in between..now that's life.

Every once is a while...I need learn how to be on the moment...To live here and now
and not what's in my head. I'm the master of my mind. I have a chose.
I chose to be happy...right here, right now...inspite of what happened.
It's right here...right now is all I'm ever going to have...tommorow is a maybe.

Wherever I go...whatever I do...hot **** there I am.
It's best that I be nice to myself, get alone with myself, and love myself, if I have to live with myself
24/7 for the rest of my life.
The more I get alone with myself...the more I get alone with others.

 

[ExiledWays]

How the fresia do I change it, I cant stop thinking about the past and all the wrong choices I've made, I just clearly haven't played my cards right and all the wrong moves from the past are now affecting the future.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel aswell. It's **** tough, and I'm sad to hear that you're going through it too, it sucks!

Anyways, I think that you're beating yourself up way too much over things. You're 19, you have a full-time job and are able to support yourself, all while going through depression and whatnot, that's worth alot of respect in my opinion, it's much more than I manage to do, for sure.

Based on this thread I find you to be an intelligent and strong-minded person, and I do believe that if you keep at it things will get much better eventually.

What about the people at the past time job you had, can't you hook up with them again?

 

[Spare]

For the most part, this hasn't been a good year for me, either. One of the worst, actually. But I've decided to stop dwelling on this and kind of start over. Clean slate. Chapter one. I do my best not to think about past mistakes; what's done is done. Just move forward.

I'm beginning to see a silver lining to this year, a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm taking steps to rectify my biggest regret, and looking into going back to school. Plus, out of nowhere and with no explaination, I find myself interacting with others better, and actually meeting new people from time to time without making a bad first impression. This is major for me, and I believe it has everything to do with my new "clean slate" mindset. It's like a fresh perspective.

I'm twenty-eight years old. I've been where you are for nine years longer than you, and I know it's hard. But I also know, from recent experience, that it is NEVER too late to right the ship. You just have to lean on the rudder a bit harder than usual.

Good luck!

 

[ExiledWays]

I'm twenty-eight years old. I've been where you are for nine years longer than you, and I know it's hard. But I also know, from recent experience, that it is NEVER too late to right the ship. You just have to lean on the rudder a bit harder than usual.

There are definately alot of us, being kinda "stuck in life" like this. And it's very true what you say, it's never too late. Why is that such a hard thing to remember though? Usually hopelessness takes over and makes you forget. It's good to be reminded.

 

[GoingInsane]

What about the people at the past time job you had, can't you hook up with them again?

A few reasons why I haven't...

1. They already had social lives outside of work, I did enjoy their company but I was too afraid of suggesting anything incase I sounded desperate for friends or something, which is exactly how I don't want to come across.

2. I kinda suspected that It looked obvious I was a bit of a loner but I suppose I'll never know now.


3. I don't like being rejected by others. I've been hated too much in the past.

 

[Twitchy]

How the fresia do I change it, I cant stop thinking about the past and all the wrong choices I've made, I just clearly haven't played my cards right and all the wrong moves from the past are now affecting the future.

Everyone's situation is different, but I think learning how to let go of the past is important. Everyone screws up at one time or another, but dwelling on it doesn't seem to help much.

Lives can be fixed, mistakes rectified. Ultimately it comes down to you and what you want.