Are online friends worth the drama?

[Onit]

Hello. Warning, this may not be of any interest to anyone.

Maybe a forum is the wrong place to post this, but I have been posting on another forum for the past 6 months and it has done me no good whatsoever. Let me explain, I had never really shared anything about myself on the internet, I haven't done social networking and the only forums I had posted on were about football and boxing. So I joined a "support" site for shy people, thinking I would find like-minded people that could empathise, I could vent about things, and maybe I would find one or two of these internet buddies that so many have.

Anyway, a pretty American girl took an interest in me and told me she had a "major crush" on me, which I thought was unbelievable as in real life women ignore me. We talked most days for months and she was always telling me how she would love to meet me etc, she would tell me her problems(usually about self-esteem), and I would listen and listen and listen. Eventually it became obvious she was using me to boost her ego, playing games with me because she knew I liked her. She never listened to my problems, if anything came up she would change subject straight away, this person doesn't know the meaning of empathy. I was a bit in denial about this persons intentions and talked to her way too much and allowed myself to get too emotionally involved.

I made another friend who was capable of actually listening, but this went sour when she told me she had a crush on me, I said she was lovely and that I was flattered, but she took this as a brutal rejection and went off telling people about it. Everyone is very protective of this person because she keeps trying to commit suicide, so I became public enemy number 1. (btw, when I say everyone the site had a chat which the same people tended to use, pathetically it was like a haven for when I was lonely). Anyway, this girl was kind enough to inform me just how popular I was with the others and I became ostracised from a group that I had spent(or wasted) hours talking to and whose problems I had spend hours listening to. I had been nothing but good to these people but it counts for nothing. Now I am done there and looking to move on, like some sort of unwanted forum gypsy.

Is it this difficult for everyone? I thought talking to people online would be easier.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

There will always be those people who only seek to have contact with other people to gain confirmation for themselves. And yes, it may seem (or be) that they don't care about you at all, and don't even feel the need to ask you how you are, but those types of people aren't just found on support groups/forums, they're everywhere. Take one look around while in a busy street, and you're bound to at least see 10 people who are like that. Sure, you may not recognise them straight away, but in a society where openness is becoming more and more rare every day, these kind of people come into existence, and without knowing it you have tons of them around you.
Also, talking online isn't necessarily easier - sure, it may be easier in the aspect that there are less boundaries/worries, since you often live at a distance of each other, and often if you speak to people online, it's because you have something in common. However, that doesn't mean that talking online is "easy" at all, it's still people you're dealing with. People who, like you, have their own emotions and problems, and they're not perfect either.
To me it just seems though, that most of your problems were caused by girls who were either insecure or looking for confirmation (or possibly both), which led to difficult situations. That's kind of normal. Emotions tend to do such things, makes both men and women act in ways that are undesirable, but I personally wouldn't see the contact you did have with them as time wasted. Sure, it may not have ended well, but you did say you had "months" of contact with the first girl - I guess that means there was at least something good about it

 

[Sci-Fi]

The drama is never worth it, online or irl friends especially when it's all one sided. I knew a girl in high school that would always ask you what was wrong. If you told her, nothing, she'd bug you until you told her. No matter what it was she was always able to turn things around, and make it about her and how she's so much worse off. So I know how you feel there.

Like Vagrant said those people are everywhere. You either just learn to deal with them or walk away. Sometimes it's better to walk away. Taking it all on and not having anything reciprocated isn't good for you. If someone wants to cry on your shoulder they have to be willing to let you cry on theirs too. If they don't they aren't real friends to begin with and not worth your time. Like you mentioned, they just want to use you.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You will find that, not only on line, but in real life as well I'm afraid.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Gotta learn to acept the rejection and keep going on.

People are never going to live up to your expectations. They're fickle...come and go and stuff.

 

[Bluey]

Gotta learn to acept the rejection and keep going on.

People are never going to live up to your expectations. They're fickle...come and go and stuff.

Yep, Just that.

 

[sweetiesmom09]

I have found that on on-line forums, as in real life, it is not uncommon for cliques to form. There have been a couple of support forums that I have posted on in the past, one in particular a couple of years ago that I posted on regularly for about 6 months or so, that after a while I started to notice that it seemed some people's posts yielded more replies and got more support and some went almost unnoticed. The more I analyzed it, the more I realized that a clique of people had formed on this support message board and that within this clique, they would all flock to each other, joke with each other and interact more within a tight circle, but outside of it, they weren't as quick to help the outsiders. For people like myself, who tend to be a little sensitive to feeling left out, it was a strange feeling. In real life, I can handle not being part of "the in crowd," but to see something like that happen in virtual life, with all of its attendant drama - very strange. I don't know why I would have expected any differently. People are people regardless of how they are interacting, but it was interesting to realize that I could be left out even on an internet message board forum! As for your situation, I have to agree with the previous posts. As hard as it is, we have to learn how to accept rejection and let it roll off of us - develop a tough skin and all that. Especially in the scenario that you are describing -- we just have to lower our expectations of people because they are usually just very self-involved and not even thinking about how their actions will affect you most of the time.

 

[Thomas]]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear about the way you've been treated Onit, it sounds really out of order =x

I think your experience relates potentially to any relationship... not just those online...

I don't think those girls being nasty to you had to do with it being online. It's just down to who they are as people and the silly decisions that they chose. I'm sure (although I can't really speak from too much experience! ) that you will get that with relationships IRL too

 

[TrailerTrish]

Eventually it became obvious she was using me to boost her ego, playing games with me because she knew I liked her. She never listened to my problems, if anything came up she would change subject straight away, this person doesn't know the meaning of empathy.

Oh yes, I've run into this many times online, and have ended up trimming my contacts quite a bit because of it. There are those who are all about themselves and nothing else.

They are not just online either. I've run into a great many of them offline, who dominate every conversation with their stuff and when you try to get a word in or talk about your stuff they just interrupt and talk over you louder and louder until you give up, or wait impatiently for you to stop talking and then steer the conversation right back to their stuff.

These are self-centered and very selfish people thoroughly marinated in narcissism. You cannot have a real two-way conversation with them, much less a genuine friendship. It's clear that a vacuum is a lot better than some of the things nature replaces it with.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I have found that on on-line forums, as in real life, it is not uncommon for cliques to form. There have been a couple of support forums that I have posted on in the past, one in particular a couple of years ago that I posted on regularly for about 6 months or so, that after a while I started to notice that it seemed some people's posts yielded more replies and got more support and some went almost unnoticed. The more I analyzed it, the more I realized that a clique of people had formed on this support message board and that within this clique, they would all flock to each other, joke with each other and interact more within a tight circle, but outside of it, they weren't as quick to help the outsiders.

This is all too common on internet forums. You could post the winning lotto numbers or the cure for cancer but unless you’re part of the clique with 1000+ posts then you and your writings may as well be invisible. You could write an entire book on how to help someone and its gets overlooked in favour of something akin to “I am sick too lol” which gets a million responses

It feels like a kick in the teeth but I agree in that its just something that happens.

 

[nerdygirl]

Doesn't matter if the interaction is online or offline. Somebody who uses and/ or abuses you is not your friend.

 

[Chasm]

I have found that on on-line forums, as in real life, it is not uncommon for cliques to form. There have been a couple of support forums that I have posted on in the past, one in particular a couple of years ago that I posted on regularly for about 6 months or so, that after a while I started to notice that it seemed some people's posts yielded more replies and got more support and some went almost unnoticed. The more I analyzed it, the more I realized that a clique of people had formed on this support message board and that within this clique, they would all flock to each other, joke with each other and interact more within a tight circle, but outside of it, they weren't as quick to help the outsiders.

This is all too common on internet forums. You could post the winning lotto numbers or the cure for cancer but unless you’re part of the clique with 1000+ posts then you and your writings may as well be invisible. You could write an entire book on how to help someone and its gets overlooked in favour of something akin to “I am sick too lol” which gets a million responses

It feels like a kick in the teeth but I agree in that its just something that happens.

Lmao thats hysterical but u know wut?
its completely true

 

[Skorian]

The problem with online friends is they can't really be there or do anything. It is like having a book as a friend. Unless it is going to go further, there really isn't much point in getting attached to people that aren't physically around.

So you put in a ton of effort to deal with drama and the best you will get in return is the same.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I have to admit to being unconvinced by the whole virtual hug thing, the act itself is ok but the use seems superficial at the best of times:

Person 1: I’m depressed, I lost my job, my partner and I’m homeless, I have no idea what to do and feel like I’m on the edge.
Person 2: <hug>
Person 1: Yay I’m cured.

Seriously? I know a hug can be comforting but it seems like a lot of people (not necessarily on here) make up problems just for the attention of getting one of these hugs. Its kind of insulting to those who really do have them.

 

[nerdygirl]

Unless it is going to go further, there really isn't much point in getting attached to people that aren't physically around.

Good grief, don't ever befriend anybody in the Navy.

 

[Chasm]

my view is real friends dont offer drama
i have a small handful of online friends
n i cant say any of em have evr offered me drama
even if they did?
yeah itd b worth it
my friends have done 4 n given me a lot im so very very thankful 4

 

[fox]

In my experience it is not..

 

[Thrasymachus]

People on this site are mistaken about what a friend is. A friend is someone you have been in enough physical contact with that you are comfortable around them. Usually most modern friends are all about entertainment and not much utility outside of that, I mean they most often don't help you financially or in any meaningful way and if they do it sours the relationship often enough.

People are blood, guts, bones, and electric energy racing from neuron to neuron and interconnecting with their network of nerve endings throughout the body. People are not not disembodied text on a screen. Interacting with the text disembodiment of another person cannot build a true rapport, there are so many ways human subtlety communicate that can never be expressed like that. Thus if you meet them, even after interacting online for a decade it will still be awkward. Alot of people here want to believe otherwise, because online friends are all they have, so they attach to unrealistic notions about how can you know someone or build rapport online. I could easily build a whole fake persona for myself on this forum, post fake pics and none of you would know and you all could do the same, there would be no way to tell online.

 

[Chasm]

People on this site are mistaken about what a friend is. A friend is someone you have been in enough physical contact with that you are comfortable around them. Usually most modern friends are all about entertainment and not much utility outside of that, I mean they most often don't help you financially or in any meaningful way and if they do it sours the relationship often enough.

People are blood, guts, bones, and electric energy racing from neuron to neuron and interconnecting with their network of nerve endings throughout the body. People are not not disembodied text on a screen. Interacting with the text disembodiment of another person cannot build a true rapport, there are so many ways human subtlety communicate that can never be expressed like that. Thus if you meet them, even after interacting online for a decade it will still be awkward. Alot of people here want to believe otherwise, because online friends are all they have, so they attach to unrealistic notions about how can you know someone or build rapport online. I could easily build a whole fake persona for myself on this forum, post fake pics and none of you would know and you all could do the same, there would be no way to tell online.

yep
know this from xperience
it really surprised me
n has made me question a lot of things

 

[TrailerTrish]

Eventually it became obvious she was using me to boost her ego, playing games with me because she knew I liked her. She never listened to my problems, if anything came up she would change subject straight away, this person doesn't know the meaning of empathy.

Oh good lord! How many such people I've run into over the years! That's not a friend at all, and you are right, she was just using you. The crush she said she had on you was really nothing of the sort, but instead her happiness at having found someone she could dump all her stuff on while shutting out all your stuff.

I've trimmed a several such people off my online contacts this last year because everything we talked about was just their stuff, their issues, their opinions, their views, and any time I tried to talk about my stuff they just ignored me and went on about their stuff endlessly, changing the subject back to that whenever I tried to share anything about what I was going through.

Such people are very self-absorbed and self-centered, and when they show themselves as such the very best thing you can do is disconnect instantly. They are not capable of friendship at all and you will get nothing from the relationship. It's a one way street and will only make your loneliness worse as they exploit you.

---

The drama is never worth it, online or irl friends especially when it's all one sided. I knew a girl in high school that would always ask you what was wrong. If you told her, nothing, she'd bug you until you told her. No matter what it was she was always able to turn things around, and make it about her and how she's so much worse off. So I know how you feel there.

Like Vagrant said those people are everywhere. You either just learn to deal with them or walk away. Sometimes it's better to walk away. Taking it all on and not having anything reciprocated isn't good for you. If someone wants to cry on your shoulder they have to be willing to let you cry on theirs too. If they don't they aren't real friends to begin with and not worth your time. Like you mentioned, they just want to use you.

I totally agree with you in this! Very well said! If it's not a two-way street there is nothing in it for you and you are just being used, and Vagrant is right, these people are just everywhere. They make finding someone you can have a genuine two-way exchange with a most precious and rare social experience. In my experience it's far better to walk away than attempt dealing with them because it's a one-way street in the first place, and the burden of dealing with them is entirely on you. They are self-absorbed narcissists and are NEVER going to change.

BTW, they actively seek out those they see as lonely as willing receptacles for their endless dumping of their stuff, so if you are socially disconnected your are their prime target.