Are we Lonely because we are Selfish?

[Omnisiac]

I have been on and off this site for years. I am again in a situation where my life is lonely. As I sat in my living room with all my gadgets and gizmos off, I didn't want to do anything. All the internet, video games, and hobbies in the world was no-longer keeping the feeling at bay. I've decided I want to volunteer.

All I kept thinking about was why didn't people want to talk with me, have a conversation, be my friend. Everywhere I looked on a nice spring day groups and couples everywhere. But really groups of people generally don't invite the lone individual in. Your alone, I guess there is something wrong with you. What do people think when I sit alone at a resturaunt eating my bbq pulledpork sandwich? Ya know, I thought, what can I really expect? Us singletons are invisible, groups carry their own little worlds with them. As lonly people do we really sit around waiting for people to take an interest in us? Do we sit in the coffee shop hoping that the comment we make might inspire someone to learn more about us. When did I become so absorbed in and concerned about myself that I think that I can just put myself out there and be recognized? I think I need to give. People notice the singleton that helps, assists, or does something for charity. People want to be associated with people that do good things...Except for the volunteers that ask for money. Noone really likes them.

I just thought that maybe the reason I was lonely is because I was expecting other people to do the work for me. I was waiting for someone to come find me in my hole and pull me out, dust me off and say "Well yer not so bad". Who does that? Looking back at all the bouts of loneliness I see a pattern. I would become lonely, withdraw and then I began to feel that people didn't like me or thought I was strange (which is really what people think of sad-looking withdrawn people). I didn't realize that if I had only smiled and sought more opportunities to be kind to others I might have ended my loneliness sooner. I'm still lonely now, but maybe when I get involved in the community more I will make friends. Maybe if I ask people about themselves they will like me more (people like to talk about themselves). People like to be around people that make them feel good. In the process maybe I can find some interesting people too.

I would really be interested in your thoughts on these thoughts. Thanks for reading

 

[ippi]

I'm pretty convinced that people in general are selfish by nature. I mean, pretty much everything a person does can be seen as a selfish act. Let's say you volunteered for some work in a poor country or whatever, could it not in some way turn into a feeling where YOU want to feel better about yourself or that YOU want recognition by others to see how much of a good person you are? From my point of view, it's okay to be selfish as long as you do show some love for people who mean something to you. I've pretty much always lived by something like this: Why should I care for people who don't care about me?

Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I honestly don't think selfishness is an issue. I'm open for other inputs.

 

[Omnisiac]

Swift response.

I agree that we are selfish. So my question is that is our selfishness getting in the way of us becoming less lonely?

 

[ippi]

Yeah, I picked it up but I guess I failed to respond to it along with my previous response.

I guess it could! Though I guess it depends on what type of selfishness it's all about. Like..if one only cares about himself and pretty much hates people in general, I'd say a definite yes. Also, if others kinda see that "hey this guy is really selfish", they might be scared of or something. So I guess it's okay as long as one doesn't really make it obvious to the outside world, cause I mean no one really wants to tag along with extremely self-centered people right? It's probably about some sort of balance, where you can be selfish as long as you also care for others, who in my opinion deserve it.

 

[Omnisiac]

Like..if one only cares about himself and pretty much hates people in general, I'd say a definite yes. Also, if others kinda see that "hey this guy is really selfish", they might be scared of or something.

Do you think that, in general, loneliness is misinterpretted by people as dislike or distrust? Do you think lonely people may not appear very approachable?

My thought is that we may not realize that we are being selfish when we are in the state of feeling lonley. We just hurt. MDs don't generally meet happy people because people aren't feeling their best when they go see him. As a result you could see how a doctor might make the assumption "All patients are a*holes".

So, if I have a choice about whether I want to talk to the smiley person or the one that loks like they are going to throw-up, which would I chose. I would likely chose the one that is likely not to make me depressed, cuz saddness can be contagious.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm not sure how much selfishness can lead to loneliness. But I guess in a way if you look at it.

Loneliness can also make one selfish. And you're right, given the choice between the smiley and non-smiley person, I'd most likely want to talk to the smiley person because they seem more approachable. At the same time, I'd be curious to know what's up with the other and might just end up talking to them both lol.

By the way Omnisiac, yer not so bad. You seem like a decent person. I'm sure you'd make a good friend. Like you say, maybe be more approachable? Or approach people?

 

[RB46]

I believe self-centered thinking and being overly introspective can open the door to depression. Or they could even be symptoms. I think a direct link between selfishness and loneliness is harder to argue.

 

[Smokey]

Personally believe selfishness is the conclusion of emptiness....when someone is empty or lacking, they resort to selfishness...this is what I've experienced in life atleast...It's healthy to look out for number 1 but to become selfish i think, is one of the main problems with the world from top to bottom.

 

[Peaches]

sometimes one does get caught into one's own battle, and without interaction with others it is difficult to practice selflessness, when self is all you have to cling to.

 

[Omnisiac]

I'm not sure how much selfishness can lead to loneliness. But I guess in a way if you look at it.

Loneliness can also make one selfish. And you're right, given the choice between the smiley and non-smiley person, I'd most likely want to talk to the smiley person because they seem more approachable. At the same time, I'd be curious to know what's up with the other and might just end up talking to them both lol.

By the way Omnisiac, yer not so bad. You seem like a decent person. I'm sure you'd make a good friend. Like you say, maybe be more approachable? Or approach people?

Thank you. I like to think I am a good friend. Currently my wife is my only friend, but she is 1800 miles away and will be for a long time. I miss her but I get jealous when she is having fun with her friends. I know she is doing what she needs to do to not feel lonlely so I try not to show it. But everytime I talk to her it makes me feel even more lonely. I guess this is where I come to the topic of this thread. Is it my own selfishness that is making me feel that way. I am happy for her, but I am sad that I'm not the one having fun with her.

Generally when I go out by myself I bring my work with me. SO, people will not approach me at all. But I would rather it that way then not appear to be involved in my own thing because if I had nothing to do in public besides stare at the table or look around the room I feel that I would look even worse and then noone would talk to me because I really do look strange. So I would rather have people not talk to me because I appear busy rather than be open to the posibility of someone talking to me and then not occur for all the reasons I have already mentioned. I would rather self-sabatoge than face failure. Selfishness again I think, defensiveness.

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sometimes one does get caught into one's own battle, and without interaction with others it is difficult to practice selflessness, when self is all you have to cling to.

This is a great point and why I decided that I have to start volunteering. I feel that if I focus on other people I will be able to cope with my loneliness better. Maybe people will be appreciative of my work and I think that might make me happy to feel appreciated.

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Personally believe selfishness is the conclusion of emptiness....when someone is empty or lacking, they resort to selfishness...this is what I've experienced in life atleast...It's healthy to look out for number 1 but to become selfish i think, is one of the main problems with the world from top to bottom.

Yes, I think it may be why loneliness is so prevalent in our society. We glorify the individual and will punish entire cultures on account of offending one person. I think at its heart, the more selfish we become the more empty we become. Why do we feel loneliness at all? There has to be some hard-wiring in there. Some deep seated reason like self-preservation that tells us that being alone is supposed to hurt. Much like the other intrinsic feelings like pain, pleasure, fear, I think loneliness is one of these, something even animals feel. Without people to validate our reality what significance can it have to anyone besides ourselves? I think normal people want to feel apart of something bigger than themselves and even if its one person larger it feels better.

Is it weak to not want to be alone? Or is it simply how humankind has made it this far. Cuz nomatter how much a loner you are, someone still puts the candybars on the shelf in the grocery store for you to make yourself happy.

I guess I'm tired of feeling like someone is looking down on me because I want to have some friends. LOL i'm not sure who is making me feel that way but I'm sure they are out there.

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I believe self-centered thinking and being overly introspective can open the door to depression. Or they could even be symptoms. I think a direct link between selfishness and loneliness is harder to argue.

I'm thinking i guess that lonliness = the state of being alone while not wanting to be alone or wanting to be around other people.

In all these its the fact that you don't want to be alone and this makes you feel like crap.

Now lets think budha. If I remove the desire to be around people or remove the desire to be with others, then loneliness would go away.

By definition desire is selfish.

Therefore, if I remove the selfishness, loneliness disappears, therefore selfishness is loneliness....

I probably have that all wrong.

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I want to thank you all for your comments. The discussion is really helping me think through this stuff.