Are you kidding yourself?

[Hearmenow2012]

I would like to apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as a kind hearted gentleman with manners that treats people right, however for a while now I keep thinking to myself 'Am I kidding myself?'. I keep thinking to myself 'Am I just like most men?' (I wouldn't cheat in a relationship and I just wan't to be with one woman though).

The truth is that I tend to hold back my thoughts/feelings these days due to having had bad experiences in the past, I've been thinking about relationships a lot more lately (There is a woman that I think about a lot and part of me wishes that I could be with her, however she's not interested in me and besides she has trust issues due to bad experiences so I believe that one of us would sabotage the relationship); Furthermore I also don't believe that I am ready for a relationship even though it feels like I really want one and even though I prefer a personality over looks I seem to be thinking quite a bit about the physical features of women more these days.

I'm 21 years old and I haven't been with a woman since I was 16 (it was a very short long distance relationship). Does anyone have any advice or have a similar experiences, thoughts and/or feelings?

 

[Retrospective81]

I would like to apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as a kind hearted gentleman with manners that treats people right, however for a while now I keep thinking to myself 'Am I kidding myself?'. I keep thinking to myself 'Am I just like most men?' (I wouldn't cheat in a relationship and I just wan't to be with one woman though).

The truth is that I tend to hold back my thoughts/feelings these days due to having had bad experiences in the past, I've been thinking about relationships a lot more lately (There is a woman that I think about a lot and part of me wishes that I could be with her, however she's not interested in me and besides she has trust issues due to bad experiences so I believe that one of us would sabotage the relationship); Furthermore I also don't believe that I am ready for a relationship even though it feels like I really want one and even though I prefer a personality over looks I seem to be thinking quite a bit about the physical features of women more these days.

I'm 21 years old and I haven't been with a woman since I was 16 (it was a very short long distance relationship). Does anyone have any advice or have a similar experiences, thoughts and/or feelings?

Hi mate, I feel like you do most days. But let me tell you soemthing, even if it feels so real, its actually much further from the truth than you miht think.

Its all about confidence and beleiving in yourself. So waht if women arent interested? theres plent of more 'fish in the sea'. ive learned not to take women too seriously. At 31 years old, you realise the less serious you take them the less thir actions can hurt you. Most (not all) women are selfish, play mind games and when they tell you they arent inerested in you, they date some other guy dont they?

At 21 pal, go and live your life, have a feww berrs, paly pool, and just have fun arsing aroubnd, youre too yuon to be feeling like this. You need to break away now because, youre already lettin women ahve the 'upper hand' and NONE of them deserve it. You are your own man.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I would like to apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as a kind hearted gentleman with manners that treats people right, however for a while now I keep thinking to myself 'Am I kidding myself?'. I keep thinking to myself 'Am I just like most men?' (I wouldn't cheat in a relationship and I just wan't to be with one woman though).

The truth is that I tend to hold back my thoughts/feelings these days due to having had bad experiences in the past, I've been thinking about relationships a lot more lately (There is a woman that I think about a lot and part of me wishes that I could be with her, however she's not interested in me and besides she has trust issues due to bad experiences so I believe that one of us would sabotage the relationship); Furthermore I also don't believe that I am ready for a relationship even though it feels like I really want one and even though I prefer a personality over looks I seem to be thinking quite a bit about the physical features of women more these days.

I'm 21 years old and I haven't been with a woman since I was 16 (it was a very short long distance relationship). Does anyone have any advice or have a similar experiences, thoughts and/or feelings?

Hi mate, I feel like you do most days. But let me tell you soemthing, even if it feels so real, its actually much further from the truth than you miht think.

Its all about confidence and beleiving in yourself. So waht if women arent interested? theres plent of more 'fish in the sea'. ive learned not to take women too seriously. At 31 years old, you realise the less serious you take them the less thir actions can hurt you. Most (not all) women are selfish, play mind games and when they tell you they arent inerested in you, they date some other guy dont they?

At 21 pal, go and live your life, have a feww berrs, paly pool, and just have fun arsing aroubnd, youre too yuon to be feeling like this. You need to break away now because, youre already lettin women ahve the 'upper hand' and NONE of them deserve it. You are your own man.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.

The trouble is that I don't have very much confidence and I don't really believe in myself either. The things is that I have heard lines like 'there are plenty of fish in the sea and you'll find somebody one day' too often that I just don't really believe it. I am aware of the advantages and disadvantages of being in a relationship but it still doesn't stop me from wanting one (even though I don't think I'm ready).

I used to have a bit more of a social life when I was younger but these days it is practically non-existent. I don't get out much, I don't enjoy drinking, but I do like playing pool so I will try to start going out even if I just go to a pub to play pool (I could always have a soft drink).

I have freedom but I don't really do all that much with it.

 

[Retrospective81]

I would like to apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as a kind hearted gentleman with manners that treats people right, however for a while now I keep thinking to myself 'Am I kidding myself?'. I keep thinking to myself 'Am I just like most men?' (I wouldn't cheat in a relationship and I just wan't to be with one woman though).

The truth is that I tend to hold back my thoughts/feelings these days due to having had bad experiences in the past, I've been thinking about relationships a lot more lately (There is a woman that I think about a lot and part of me wishes that I could be with her, however she's not interested in me and besides she has trust issues due to bad experiences so I believe that one of us would sabotage the relationship); Furthermore I also don't believe that I am ready for a relationship even though it feels like I really want one and even though I prefer a personality over looks I seem to be thinking quite a bit about the physical features of women more these days.

I'm 21 years old and I haven't been with a woman since I was 16 (it was a very short long distance relationship). Does anyone have any advice or have a similar experiences, thoughts and/or feelings?

Hi mate, I feel like you do most days. But let me tell you soemthing, even if it feels so real, its actually much further from the truth than you miht think.

Its all about confidence and beleiving in yourself. So waht if women arent interested? theres plent of more 'fish in the sea'. ive learned not to take women too seriously. At 31 years old, you realise the less serious you take them the less thir actions can hurt you. Most (not all) women are selfish, play mind games and when they tell you they arent inerested in you, they date some other guy dont they?

At 21 pal, go and live your life, have a feww berrs, paly pool, and just have fun arsing aroubnd, youre too yuon to be feeling like this. You need to break away now because, youre already lettin women ahve the 'upper hand' and NONE of them deserve it. You are your own man.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.

The trouble is that I don't have very much confidence and I don't really believe in myself either. The things is that I have heard lines like 'there are plenty of fish in the sea and you'll find somebody one day' too often that I just don't really believe it. I am aware of the advantages and disadvantages of being in a relationship but it still doesn't stop me from wanting one (even though I don't think I'm ready).

I used to have a bit more of a social life when I was younger but these days it is practically non-existent. I don't get out much, I don't enjoy drinking, but I do like playing pool so I will try to start going out even if I just go to a pub to play pool (I could always have a soft drink).

I have freedom but I don't really do all that much with it.

Well thats a good start, playin pool, Im a bi fan of palyin pool myself. yeah You dont have to ahve a drink to enjoy yourself although I'm on the other end of the spectrum myself!

I only manage to go out once a week myself compared to my youner days ( I do miss oin out all the time too) I guess we jsut have to amake do with what werve got eh? its better than nothing I suppose.

I know what you mean about relationships. been in the sam,e boat myself and to this day, feel the same thins as you do. Although as you get older, relationships do become less important one you start to value your freedom if you know what I mean?

 

[Boston Lager]

Any young person (in this case a woman) who throws down the trust issue gauntlet is usually talking honeysuckle. I assume she is around your age... This is nothing surprising. HOWEVER.... I knew people who had second thoughts about their partners, but they were well founded due to previous bad experiences which were out of their hands. Unfortunately in most cases 'trust issues' are created by the person who has them due to their own stupid actions.

Sounds to me like your potential partner is all smoke and mirrors and finds it difficult to be honest, then it's no wonder you can't form a clear picture of yourself.

 

[9006]

You can't go on living your life frightened of having a relationship, you just need to find someone understanding and take it slow; just the fact that they're understanding should make you relax more.

This is something I also have experience in, but it's something that reduces with time and trust.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Don't go into a relationship just because you want one. Sometimes you gotta be careful what you ask for. Find someone you are fully comfortable with, someone who'll love and accept you the way you are.

From my experience, going into a relationship where you overlook the red flags will only bring hurt in the long term, to you and to the other person.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

Don't go into a relationship just because you want one. Sometimes you gotta be careful what you ask for. Find someone you are fully comfortable with, someone who'll love and accept you the way you are.

From my experience, going into a relationship where you overlook the red flags will only bring hurt in the long term, to you and to the other person.

Well thank you everyone for your responses. I will take them into consideration.

The thing is that I have been thinking about a relationship for a number of years now but nowadays the thoughts about them seem to come about more regularly.

I have previously already tried to get to know some women, but even though I thought that we got on well it never materialised into anything and they usually exited from my life soon afterwards. (I would generally rarely hear from them again for long periods at a time). I think in those cases I saw signs that weren't really there (In the end I generally told that woman that I liked them but it didn't get any further.)

I keep getting contradictory thoughts/feelings regarding relationships so I'm just left confused. I must be seeing some sort of warning sign otherwise I'd still be trying to get with a woman regardless.

 

[Ignis]

I would like to apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

Throughout my life I've always thought of myself as a kind hearted gentleman with manners that treats people right, however for a while now I keep thinking to myself 'Am I kidding myself?'. I keep thinking to myself 'Am I just like most men?' (I wouldn't cheat in a relationship and I just wan't to be with one woman though).

Are you kidding yourself? No.
Being a kind-hearted gentleman is the guy every girls wants to wind up with.
He's the Mr Right. Not Mr Right Now.
You need to be persistant, and you need to hold out. You're the type of guy that every girl wants to end up with. The one they all dream of.

And believe me, most men are not kind-hearted gentlemen. Let's be honest for a minute. There are a LOT of ******** out there and that's something that will never change. If you're NOT that guy then you're on the right track.

The truth is that I tend to hold back my thoughts/feelings these days due to having had bad experiences in the past, I've been thinking about relationships a lot more lately

Holding your thoughts and feelings back is never a good idea. I did it a lot when I was younger. To be fair, I still do for the most part and I'm still uncomfortable with talking about my emotions or thoughts a lot of the time. As hard as it may be not to talk about your own feelings... If someone asks if you're okay, chances are they actually care. I'll do it to pretty much everyone regardless of whether they're friends or colleagues, or just randoms that serve me... Because I do care about how other people feel. If someone is upset and I can do something in my power, I'll do everything in my power to do it.

A guy I work with will not tell me anything... No matter how upset he gets, he'll never vent, he'll never let me in. When he comes to work almost in tears... What do you say? All I can do is say that I'm here if he needs me... And give him the time he needs. I feel so powerless, and it sucks.
I know now that a lot of my friends and whatnot felt much the same back when I would never tell them anything. Yeah, I tell them about all that sort of thing now. They may not necessarily be able to help me with my problem, but at least they're aware so they know what's going on.

Holding your thoughts and feelings is an even WORSE idea in a relationship. Communication is the biggest and most important factor in a relationship and if you cannot communicate your feelings or emotions you're doomed from the start.

I feel you about relationships though... Coming out of one about 2 years ago, it feels as though the longer I'm without one... The more I want it. I know it's a bad way to look at things, but a lot of days I remember how I felt in that relationship, and almost every day was an amazing day. Infinitely better than a majority of the days I have now.
It gets hard, especially when you're interested in a girl... It can be hard not to let your imagination run wild with "What-If's" and seeing where things go... Only to wake up and realise that you're probably not going to do anything about it. Or you're not compatible. Or she has a boyfriend.

Furthermore I also don't believe that I am ready for a relationship even though it feels like I really want one

At least you're willing to admit it. Honestly, that's the first step.
I'm not gonna lie, I find it hard not to want a relationship as well... It's something I think about so often, yet I'll remember something someone told me "If you're not ready for a relationship, how are you meant to give your all? How are you meant to show the other person you truly love them?"
I feel this is mostly true. If I'm not dedicated to the relationship, how can I expect her to be? What am I even meant to be taking from it? I'm either all in, or not at all.

So I can understand how you feel. You seem to be clued in enough to know when you're ready for a relationship as well.. When the right girl comes along. You'll know.

and even though I prefer a personality over looks I seem to be thinking quite a bit about the physical features of women more these days.

Attraction has to be physical at some point. You have to find a girl attractive enough to talk to, for there to be an initial spark. Don't sweat it too much. As long as at the end of the day, you love the girl for who she is.

 

[duff]

Don't go into a relationship just because you want one. Sometimes you gotta be careful what you ask for. Find someone you are fully comfortable with, someone who'll love and accept you the way you are.

From my experience, going into a relationship where you overlook the red flags will only bring hurt in the long term, to you and to the other person.

Well thank you everyone for your responses. I will take them into consideration.

The thing is that I have been thinking about a relationship for a number of years now but nowadays the thoughts about them seem to come about more regularly.

I have previously already tried to get to know some women, but even though I thought that we got on well it never materialised into anything and they usually exited from my life soon afterwards. (I would generally rarely hear from them again for long periods at a time). I think in those cases I saw signs that weren't really there (In the end I generally told that woman that I liked them but it didn't get any further.)

I keep getting contradictory thoughts/feelings regarding relationships so I'm just left confused. I must be seeing some sort of warning sign otherwise I'd still be trying to get with a woman regardless.

make 'having a relationship' lower on your list of priorities.
Go out, make money, try stuff, make friends, and most of all try to stop worrying !

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

If you're happy by yourself, you will be happy, relationship or not.

You need to stop putting relationships so high on your priority list, just relax and have fun. You will date eventually, and if not, at least you'll still have friends.

 

[Gutted]

My advice would be to remain patient. As people have said, don't go out with someone simply because you want a relationship. You may only end up feeling worse then you feel now. Just make yourself as ready as you can.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yes, not being in a relationship at all is better that being in a terrible relationship

 

[ladyforsaken]

Yes, not being in a relationship at all is better that being in a terrible relationship

Yeah..

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I will try my best to take everything that you have all said on board.