Hi everyone, first post :O
I don't really know how much I'm going to write, but if it's a giant wall of text I warn you now...
I'm hoping writing this will help me sort things out, and any replies I get I will greatly appreciate.
I am 17 years old, by the way..
So I might as well start at the base of my problems, I'm in love with a girl who I'll never get a chance to share a relationship with. I hesitate to say love out loud because I know I shouldn't commit myself to that strong of a feeling, since it'll only hurt me more than it already does. But on the internet, I'm allowed to be overly dramatic, and perhaps even truthful! So the way this goes is I've known / liked this girl for around two years, but we have only been hanging out for the past four months or so.
Being the naive fool that I am, I had decided in my grade 10 year that the best way to keep myself from being an idiot around women was just to ignore any feelings I would feel towards them. Go ahead and laugh, I would laugh if I could at the moment. So I build myself a mental prison, although I saw it as a fortress, and emotionally starve myself, going about the chores of every day life. So.. bad idea to begin with, and then this girl who I've had an interest in seems to start taking an interest in me. For the first couple weeks I'm wary, I didn't want to believe that someone else could take an interest in me, and that was because I didn't want to expose myself to hurt.
However, my feelings won over in the end and I started falling for this girl, and every sign I got from her indicated that she was genuinely interested in going out. Anyway, one fateful day I ask her out, she seems a bit surprised and declines gracefully. So that confused me a bit, but she did have a boyfriend at the time, and I was surprised to find that I wasn't too hurt by this.
To shorten all the unnecessary details and get to where I am now, things continued on and I continued to think she liked me until one day when--after the event that almost convinced me that she liked me--she informed me that she was in fact interested in my friend. I feel somewhat bad saying this, but my friend is severely immature and insecure. This has improved in the past little while, so I can be grateful to this girl for that, and we (me and her) still hang out as friends, but it isn't quite the same as it could be.
What bothers me is that everyone expects me to just let my feelings for this person go. To me it isn't that simple, this wasn't / isn't just a simple crush here, this is a "I refuse to even look at a girl until I find one worth worrying over, and there she is" kind of feeling. It isn't just that, she's smart, beautiful, caring, witty, compatible with me, funny, basically anything and everything that tells me that this is the girl worth embarrassing myself for. I created very strong feelings for her in my heart, and when they weren't returned it hurt, a lot.
So where I am now, everything that is bothering me I brought on myself, which is nice because now I only hate myself, not others. I can't stop myself from reviewing their relationship, and this is what I have gathered. He's still a child in many ways, she still looks after him in many ways. She puts lots of effort into the relationship because she really likes him, he won't even hold her hand in public. Now this could be nerves, as a matter of fact I'm almost certain it is nerves, but it bothers me that he doesn't try as hard as I would, or recognize her value as much as I do. I don't know, the way I see myself, I'm independent, confident, intelligent, muscular (lol, what an odd thing to say..), sensitive, and most importantly I have a huge amount of love to give.
So in summary, I'm pretty much one giant, arrogant, and inexperienced *******. I started the problem by shutting my feelings out, because I didn't want to feel hurt. This caused me to rush when I thought I had a chance (in my defense it seemed pretty **** obvious at the time), and let down barriers too fast. So now I'm sitting around watching these two go out, another one of my friends on his way to getting a girl he has had a thing for for say two years as well. That's not bad at all, I'm happy for him and whatnot, but everything is working out for everyone but me. I have nothing going for me at the moment, other than the fact that I have friends and one of them is the girl of my dreams.
Yes, I realize I am only 17, that I'm short-sighted and I in fact tell myself that if I keep faith and wait, things will come back to me eventually. However, that short-sightedness is caused by my wish to have someone to open up to right now, wishing for someone to share a meaningful relationship with, to try to make happy in the tiniest ways possible, to see a smile from that makes my heart skip a beat. Someone whose laugh brightens my day more than the sun, who knows me better than I do, who can help me become a better person and who I can help and support through the bad times, and the good times that we have.
Yes, I realize I'm looking in the wrong place when I expect this to come to me in high school, but that's where I have to go every day, and most of the people I know are in the school. I have very small faith in teenagers, maybe because I am around them so often and some of the failures and failures-to-be tend to lower the average a bit more than they should, if we look at general numbers. Everything is relative, after all.
So that describes my life in a nutshell. There is a huge amount of things I missed, but writing more might cause the other half of you to stop reading / fall asleep. I appreciate your time, I can't talk to anybody but the internet about how I'm feeling, so if anyone has advice or stories of their own that they think might help, please leave a reply. Hell, leave a reply if you think I'm an idiot and want to let me know, that'll confirm my beliefs
Again, thanks for your time,
I don't really know how much I'm going to write, but if it's a giant wall of text I warn you now...
I'm hoping writing this will help me sort things out, and any replies I get I will greatly appreciate.
I am 17 years old, by the way..
So I might as well start at the base of my problems, I'm in love with a girl who I'll never get a chance to share a relationship with. I hesitate to say love out loud because I know I shouldn't commit myself to that strong of a feeling, since it'll only hurt me more than it already does. But on the internet, I'm allowed to be overly dramatic, and perhaps even truthful! So the way this goes is I've known / liked this girl for around two years, but we have only been hanging out for the past four months or so.
Being the naive fool that I am, I had decided in my grade 10 year that the best way to keep myself from being an idiot around women was just to ignore any feelings I would feel towards them. Go ahead and laugh, I would laugh if I could at the moment. So I build myself a mental prison, although I saw it as a fortress, and emotionally starve myself, going about the chores of every day life. So.. bad idea to begin with, and then this girl who I've had an interest in seems to start taking an interest in me. For the first couple weeks I'm wary, I didn't want to believe that someone else could take an interest in me, and that was because I didn't want to expose myself to hurt.
However, my feelings won over in the end and I started falling for this girl, and every sign I got from her indicated that she was genuinely interested in going out. Anyway, one fateful day I ask her out, she seems a bit surprised and declines gracefully. So that confused me a bit, but she did have a boyfriend at the time, and I was surprised to find that I wasn't too hurt by this.
To shorten all the unnecessary details and get to where I am now, things continued on and I continued to think she liked me until one day when--after the event that almost convinced me that she liked me--she informed me that she was in fact interested in my friend. I feel somewhat bad saying this, but my friend is severely immature and insecure. This has improved in the past little while, so I can be grateful to this girl for that, and we (me and her) still hang out as friends, but it isn't quite the same as it could be.
What bothers me is that everyone expects me to just let my feelings for this person go. To me it isn't that simple, this wasn't / isn't just a simple crush here, this is a "I refuse to even look at a girl until I find one worth worrying over, and there she is" kind of feeling. It isn't just that, she's smart, beautiful, caring, witty, compatible with me, funny, basically anything and everything that tells me that this is the girl worth embarrassing myself for. I created very strong feelings for her in my heart, and when they weren't returned it hurt, a lot.
So where I am now, everything that is bothering me I brought on myself, which is nice because now I only hate myself, not others. I can't stop myself from reviewing their relationship, and this is what I have gathered. He's still a child in many ways, she still looks after him in many ways. She puts lots of effort into the relationship because she really likes him, he won't even hold her hand in public. Now this could be nerves, as a matter of fact I'm almost certain it is nerves, but it bothers me that he doesn't try as hard as I would, or recognize her value as much as I do. I don't know, the way I see myself, I'm independent, confident, intelligent, muscular (lol, what an odd thing to say..), sensitive, and most importantly I have a huge amount of love to give.
So in summary, I'm pretty much one giant, arrogant, and inexperienced *******. I started the problem by shutting my feelings out, because I didn't want to feel hurt. This caused me to rush when I thought I had a chance (in my defense it seemed pretty **** obvious at the time), and let down barriers too fast. So now I'm sitting around watching these two go out, another one of my friends on his way to getting a girl he has had a thing for for say two years as well. That's not bad at all, I'm happy for him and whatnot, but everything is working out for everyone but me. I have nothing going for me at the moment, other than the fact that I have friends and one of them is the girl of my dreams.
Yes, I realize I am only 17, that I'm short-sighted and I in fact tell myself that if I keep faith and wait, things will come back to me eventually. However, that short-sightedness is caused by my wish to have someone to open up to right now, wishing for someone to share a meaningful relationship with, to try to make happy in the tiniest ways possible, to see a smile from that makes my heart skip a beat. Someone whose laugh brightens my day more than the sun, who knows me better than I do, who can help me become a better person and who I can help and support through the bad times, and the good times that we have.
Yes, I realize I'm looking in the wrong place when I expect this to come to me in high school, but that's where I have to go every day, and most of the people I know are in the school. I have very small faith in teenagers, maybe because I am around them so often and some of the failures and failures-to-be tend to lower the average a bit more than they should, if we look at general numbers. Everything is relative, after all.
So that describes my life in a nutshell. There is a huge amount of things I missed, but writing more might cause the other half of you to stop reading / fall asleep. I appreciate your time, I can't talk to anybody but the internet about how I'm feeling, so if anyone has advice or stories of their own that they think might help, please leave a reply. Hell, leave a reply if you think I'm an idiot and want to let me know, that'll confirm my beliefs
Again, thanks for your time,
