Been away a while

[Zackarydoo]

I haven't written here or even read these forums since around May this year. I found that everyone I made contact with didn't really want to have me as a friend. A couple of people seemed to for a while, but both of them suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth, never to be heard from again. Others refused to even tell me their name, and others....well I forget.

I'm still alone and finding it impossible making new friends, or anything more than that. I think I probably don't help myself much when I question new friends or potential relationships about whether they'll disappear on me or not. I probably put pressure on them - But I just need some reassurance. Trouble is, even though I usually get the reassurance, it doesn't mean anything because a few days later, they're gone.

I have something else to write about but will start another thread for that as it's a whole subject of it's own.

Geoff.

 

[trZ]

Don't ask people about that, never. If someone asked me if I would leave on them, my psycho-alarm would go off instantly and I would probably never talk to that person again. No offence but that is how it is, you can't ask people that.

Just relax, if you lack social skills you should go to cafê's even just to observe. Be yourself and don't think of every conversation you have as if you are going to be friends forever (or friends at all), if you find someone you get along well with suggest to go do something one day. Bam there's a friend. Bottom line is you need to get out and talk to people - a lot. Is your workplace somewhere you meet people? Could you be doing volunteer work? Talk to the people at the gym.. There is so many people out there so meeting them is no problem. Just don't expect everyone to be your friend. And why would you want everybody to be friends with you? A lot of idiots you don't want to hang out with anyways. Be a little picky ^^

 

[Zackarydoo]

No offence to you either, but if someone would think I'm a psycho for asking that rather than be understanding and want to talk about why I asked, then they aren't the sort of person I'd want as a friend. If that's how it is with EVERYONE then that explains why I don't have any friends I suppose. People shouldn't jump to judge so quickly and make assumption on the way someone is deep down. It's not as if I ask someone that question as soon as I know them anyway! It's only once I've known them a while and we talk about deeper things, and by that time, a real friend would happily talk to me about it and show sympathy.

I don't go out much, don't meet anyone at work (long story), and the gym? Look, trZ, no offence to you at all but I'm on a website like this because I don't do those things, because I have social anxiety issues. It bugs me when people in forums tell people they should go out and do this and that as if it's the easiest thing in the world, especially on a forum like this when most people are going to have problems with such things.

 

[trZ]

Yeah ok I do agree with you, I was too quick on the trigger here.

The thing is, when people don't know you, assumptions get made quickly, and the signals you send are gonna get picked up differently. When you ask people if they will leave you, they will think you are some crazy weirdo because its not normal to ask that question. On top of this, it makes them feel they have to make a commitment just to hang out with you. This will, for very many people, be a problem. And most people already have loads of friends, so its not all that attractive to be friends with someone they have to commit to. Again I can't speak for everyone, but I think this is how people will feel about it.

OK you have social anxiety issues. I fought them for years, so I know a little about how you feel. The thing is, the reason I give you the advice I'm giving is because that is what you need to do. Of course its easier said than done, but you can't just sit inside and do nothing about it. You need to get out of the situation you're in, and thats why you just have got to do something about it. No one said it would be easy, but thats just how it is. The reason I say it as if its the easiest thing in the world, is because its straight forward stuff. I too am on this forum so we both know that there are some problems with putting stuff like this into action, so I don't see the need to explain how its not easy. But its what needs to be done here.

People might disagree with me, but I had positive experiences and got out of loneliness, so even though what worked for me won't work for everyone, I'm pretty sure that what I did will work for a lot of people.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I do understand what you're saying about asking people if they'll leave me. Please don't think I'll meet a new friend and straight away say, "Will you leave me?". It isn't quite like that.

You might be right about what I need to do - But as I guess you'll know, it doesn't help when people tell me I need to do the things that I already know I need to do. It's the same with my weight that's always been a problem for me. People I don't know say things like, "You need to exercise more and eat less fatty food". OH REALLY? Well now one more person has told me, I'm obviously going to do it straight away. My point is that of course I know it's better if I go out and meet people - Doing it and knowing it are different things. Things in my life have to change first, and I'm fighting with those things and trying to change them.

For now, I just want to have friends and meet people who understand me and think a similar way as me and will accept me AS I AM. Then maybe someday my life will change, and I'll meet more people. One reason for using a forum like this (and some social anxiety ones I've used before) is because I want to find people similar to me, who will accept me as I am, and who will be happy to find that I'll accept them....whether they manage to change someday or not.

Have a good day.

 

[trZ]

Hmm, your post was quite an eye opener for me.. I have had problems with my weight all my life, but I have trained it away now. I remember feeling exactly the same as you, my father and family in general always told me I had to do something about it etc, but it never helped me, and I hated it. The thing is, you need to find out what works best for you, and you need to understand that it has got to be a priority in life. Yes of course you understand what needs to be done and that it is easier said than done, but that doesn't help if you don't do anything about it, right? You know how much your situation sucks, you know you need to do something about it and then you just have to commit to it and get it done.

I know my words doesn't carry a lot of weight for you, because you have heard it all before. But take it from someone who have been in your situation before - take action, ignore the fear and it will save you years of pain, and a new world will open up for you.

 

[JamaisVu]

You've got a relatively low post count still, so I'd try sticking around for longer this time and keeping an eye out for people who strike you as being genuinely compatible. When I see people online who seem to have a dedicated group of friends, it's usually the forum regulars. In my experience most internet friends do eventually drift away. Lots of people just want to chat casually (often about a particular interest) and aren't seeking new best friends or romantic relationships outright.

It is frustrating when you interact socially online and end up with no true friends to show for it even after months. I've experienced that, and I also get people who "Friend" me, yet don't seem particularly interested in talking beyond initial contact. Try to maximize your contact with people, and if you see someone online that you like, take the initiative and contact them. Just keep trying. At the very least you'll meet some interesting people here and there.

Lots of people are hesitant about divulging their real names online, don't take it personally if someone refuses to share. Personally I never give out my last name. People share all sorts of personal information online and they don't always want it being connected to their offline identity or having their name Googled by curious friends.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Zackarydoo. You know, people have the right to leave you if they want to leave you. You really have no control over it, all you can do is show them that you care. I consider myself to have that same right. If i meet someone and I want to be friends, it has to form out of my own free-will. This is how true friendship is formed.

 

[Zackarydoo]

trZ - I hear what you're saying, and I know you're right about things. Hmmmm....I'm not too sure what else to say. We both understand and both agree huh? I know I just have to force myself to make changes....somehow.


JamaisVu - Thanks for what you wrote. I know my post count is low, and that's because when I was last hear I got fed up not finding anyone to talk to, even though I felt like I tried. Not very well maybe. I did find 2 people and wrote to one of them for quite a long time, and I did drift away from this forum then, so that might explain things.

You're right that Internet friendships don't last, and people are usually just looking for a casual friend. I'm not sure what to say about that - You're right about it and there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm happy to have casual friends too anyway, but I do tend to get closer to people a lot quicker than they get closer to me! That's just the way I've always been. I do hope that casual Internet friends will turn out to be 'proper' friends though, as someone to write and speak to often.

The name thing - Well I understand not giving out your last name. I personally don't care about my name but maybe that's because my last name is so common. I will never understand someone not even saying their first name though or the smallest of details about themselves. It's a bit hard getting to know someone who refuses to tell you anything.

---

Zackarydoo. You know, people have the right to leave you if they want to leave you. You really have no control over it, all you can do is show them that you care. I consider myself to have that same right. If i meet someone and I want to be friends, it has to form out of my own free-will. This is how true friendship is formed.

Yes of course it has to be their own free will. I wouldn't ever think it should be any other way. If someone wants to be my true friend though, they wouldn't take the attitude that they can leave me if they choose! It's hardly a good start with a friendship. I think you've misunderstood what my first post was all about. I'm not saying that people should do as I demand and should stay my friend because I want them to even when they don't. What sort of weirdo would that make me? I'm just saying that I wish people would not keep on deserting me, often without even a word, despite telling me what a good friend I am previously, telling me how much they like me and are glad they know me on the phone, etc.. I would be a strange person if I wasn't upset or bothered by someone doing that to me. Obviously there is more to it usually, but not always.

 

[Brian]

I'm still alone and finding it impossible making new friends, or anything more than that. I think I probably don't help myself much when I question new friends or potential relationships about whether they'll disappear on me or not. I probably put pressure on them - But I just need some reassurance. Trouble is, even though I usually get the reassurance, it doesn't mean anything because a few days later, they're gone.

Geoff.[/font][/color]

You know, I've found that human relationships tend to be pretty transient by nature.

I've found that when we relate to people based on shared experience, if that experience goes away then the relationship does as well, like removing fuel from a car. It doesn't necessarily mean the ending has to be on a bad note, though.

A good example was my previous boss from my old job. Great guy, good friend. But I stopped working there and so we really don't see one another anymore. We do talk from time to time and I intend to hang out some time in the near future to see how he's been, but there's really nothing left for the basis of our regular relations that we had.

Try not to worry too much about whether people will disappear. It's easier to enjoy our connections while we have them and accept the blessing of company, while also accepting that conditions may very well eventually draw us apart.

 

[Zackarydoo]

Hi Brian, thanks for taking the time to write about this.

One of the things that I immediately think when reading several people's thoughts about this, is that I don't tend to get any relationships to start with. It isn't just that things change and we drift apart, but they never really get off the ground at all. A lot of that could be my own fault because I worry from the start how long things will last and I'm sure that comes across. Often though, things go well at first and I don't say anything 'wrong' yet they still walk away. That's if it's just a friend, or there are signs of more.

I agree with you that I shouldn't worry about whether someone will disappear. It's not easy to do that but I do try and will keep on trying. It is hard though to enjoy the connection with someone, when it only lasts a few days. I don't have enough time to know them at all.

 

[Zak]

Hey man. I still remember you. How areyou?

 

[Zackarydoo]

Hey man. I still remember you. How areyou?

Hey Sanal. I'm ok thanks apart from what I've been moaning about here of course. How are you doing?

 

[Zak]

I m doing awesome man. Stop by the chat sometimes. We dont have that old crowd but its still a cool place

 

[Brian]

One of the things that I immediately think when reading several people's thoughts about this, is that I don't tend to get any relationships to start with. It isn't just that things change and we drift apart, but they never really get off the ground at all.

I think that's the toughest part. Friendship is hard to spark without something to already cause people to gravitate together.

The only way I really make friends is through work, honestly. People say 'go out and socialize', but that seems like a really foreign idea and it's way difficult to make it work for various reasons.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I m doing awesome man. Stop by the chat sometimes. We dont have that old crowd but its still a cool place

Thanks mate, I may stop by chat. I get so nervous tho in live chat! LOL. I'm such a scaredy cat ya know. *hides under the sofa*

---

I think that's the toughest part. Friendship is hard to spark without something to already cause people to gravitate together.

The only way I really make friends is through work, honestly. People say 'go out and socialize', but that seems like a really foreign idea and it's way difficult to make it work for various reasons.

I usually (well always to be honest) make my friends over the Internet, as for now that's my only real option. I do tend to start to make friends easily but they just don't last, and people are usually only after something meaningless and casual that they will stop any moment. Second Life is a good way to meet people, but 99% of people there are unfortunately shallow and you can never tell how 'real' they really are.