el Jay
Well-known member
Sorry if this is a long post, got a lot to rant about. Maybe I'll feel better after. Paragraphs are largely stand-alone, so feel free to skip any that sound boring or something.
Grandfather died in February, I had been living with him for 12 years. House is sold now and I need to be out by the 16th. Can't pass the income check for an apartment on my own, so need my mom to co-sign, but finding one has been slow-going. Might need to get a 2 bedroom w/ my dad to save some money each month (but not much). Just worried about getting it resolved in general. If the place I have in mind fails, do I have time to figure out somewhere else?
Got a job in the pharmacy at a CVS. Very worried about it. Lots of responsibility and crap, but for not much pay (only a little above minimum wage). Looking for other jobs that may pay the same (or a little worse) but are less effort and stress. I can do being social and outgoing, and I can do being extremely thorough and technically-minded, but not at the same time, which this job requires.
Thinking about my future, what will I do. One year left till I have a bachelor's degree, but what then? Hard to find any ideas or leads, can't ever find people who could direct me, mentor me, show me a way in life (not going to even hope for "the" way). Worried about how I'll support myself. Retail forever? Nothing invigorates me anymore, gets me really excited, drives me to research and explore father into it. I can't "dream" anymore. I have no real dreams, and haven't for years. Feels like all the bullying at school killed the fire that used to burn in my soul good and dead, and all that's left are a few embers I've struggled to stoke for the past decade.
Thought about pursuing writing as a career. I can write, and maybe I could make a living off of it. Don't need riches, just a moderately comfortable income. Found a forum for internet marketing where lots of people can give advice, and reception to my questions has been pretty favorable (was expecting disdain, criticism, and even insults, if not outright being ignored). But it still feels like I'm up against an impossible task. I know, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." But I've always had problems being unable to "see the trees for the forest," so to speak. I can never be comfortable on the path to something, always feel like I have to get it all done then and there, or I can never relax. It's paralyzing, and keeps me from ever doing stuff. From feeling like I can work towards something. All or nothing right away is the mindset, and it always results in nothing. Can't escape it no matter how hard I try.
Going to see my physician to get prescribed meds on the recommendation of my psychologist. He thinks an anti-depressant is the key, with depression from bullying causing the massive anxiety I live with (and have lived with for over a decade). I'm worried I may need anti-anxiety, not anti-depressants. Worried about the time that might be wasted if they don't work. My friend is hoping that getting the right meds might "unlock" the real me. Thinks that I could do amazing things if I wasn't burdened and dragged down by the anxiety, the fear, the lack of confidence. Maybe he's right. I'm scared he isn't right, though. (but what aren't I scared of, at this point?)
Then there's the loneliness. Speaking of friends, I don't really have any. Only one, and he lives an hour away and we don't see each other much anymore. Both will probably be too busy in the fall to get together much at all. Besides that? No one. No one to hang out with, to do stuff with. I haven't had that for years. Over a decade. Even back then, only one at a time. Haven't been too worried about being single lately, but I'm sure it'll creep back up as soon as other worries die down some.
(removed the Tara story and put it into a new thread more suited to it)
I don't know what my real point in typing this is. Maybe I'll feel better once I hit submit. Knowing that other humans will read it and understand my words, even if there's nothing they can say or do to help. Maybe I can spend the last few hours of my night relaxing instead of fighting anxiety over feeling like I need to be doing everything to "fix" my life tonight, right here and now. If only I could put my heart and soul into writing like I did with this post, I'd probably be set for life on a career.
Grandfather died in February, I had been living with him for 12 years. House is sold now and I need to be out by the 16th. Can't pass the income check for an apartment on my own, so need my mom to co-sign, but finding one has been slow-going. Might need to get a 2 bedroom w/ my dad to save some money each month (but not much). Just worried about getting it resolved in general. If the place I have in mind fails, do I have time to figure out somewhere else?
Got a job in the pharmacy at a CVS. Very worried about it. Lots of responsibility and crap, but for not much pay (only a little above minimum wage). Looking for other jobs that may pay the same (or a little worse) but are less effort and stress. I can do being social and outgoing, and I can do being extremely thorough and technically-minded, but not at the same time, which this job requires.
Thinking about my future, what will I do. One year left till I have a bachelor's degree, but what then? Hard to find any ideas or leads, can't ever find people who could direct me, mentor me, show me a way in life (not going to even hope for "the" way). Worried about how I'll support myself. Retail forever? Nothing invigorates me anymore, gets me really excited, drives me to research and explore father into it. I can't "dream" anymore. I have no real dreams, and haven't for years. Feels like all the bullying at school killed the fire that used to burn in my soul good and dead, and all that's left are a few embers I've struggled to stoke for the past decade.
Thought about pursuing writing as a career. I can write, and maybe I could make a living off of it. Don't need riches, just a moderately comfortable income. Found a forum for internet marketing where lots of people can give advice, and reception to my questions has been pretty favorable (was expecting disdain, criticism, and even insults, if not outright being ignored). But it still feels like I'm up against an impossible task. I know, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." But I've always had problems being unable to "see the trees for the forest," so to speak. I can never be comfortable on the path to something, always feel like I have to get it all done then and there, or I can never relax. It's paralyzing, and keeps me from ever doing stuff. From feeling like I can work towards something. All or nothing right away is the mindset, and it always results in nothing. Can't escape it no matter how hard I try.
Going to see my physician to get prescribed meds on the recommendation of my psychologist. He thinks an anti-depressant is the key, with depression from bullying causing the massive anxiety I live with (and have lived with for over a decade). I'm worried I may need anti-anxiety, not anti-depressants. Worried about the time that might be wasted if they don't work. My friend is hoping that getting the right meds might "unlock" the real me. Thinks that I could do amazing things if I wasn't burdened and dragged down by the anxiety, the fear, the lack of confidence. Maybe he's right. I'm scared he isn't right, though. (but what aren't I scared of, at this point?)
Then there's the loneliness. Speaking of friends, I don't really have any. Only one, and he lives an hour away and we don't see each other much anymore. Both will probably be too busy in the fall to get together much at all. Besides that? No one. No one to hang out with, to do stuff with. I haven't had that for years. Over a decade. Even back then, only one at a time. Haven't been too worried about being single lately, but I'm sure it'll creep back up as soon as other worries die down some.
(removed the Tara story and put it into a new thread more suited to it)
I don't know what my real point in typing this is. Maybe I'll feel better once I hit submit. Knowing that other humans will read it and understand my words, even if there's nothing they can say or do to help. Maybe I can spend the last few hours of my night relaxing instead of fighting anxiety over feeling like I need to be doing everything to "fix" my life tonight, right here and now. If only I could put my heart and soul into writing like I did with this post, I'd probably be set for life on a career.