applepear
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Hi, I'm new to this forum and this is my first time posting after lurking around for half a day. I'm sorry if this sounds like ranting!!!
Ever since I was a kid I've had unhealthy self esteem. One day when I was 8 my friend asked me why I was so clingy, always tagging along with them and coming to their desks to make small talk during breaks. I had an outgoing personality and enjoyed their company but they didn't enjoy mine, in fact they found me pretty annoying! I think I was rather insecure due to my upbringing. During my teenage years I tricked myself into thinking I didn't like people as a self defense mechanism, but the truth was far more painful - they didn't like me. Because no one paid any attention to me and even gave me pretty negative responses...yea I was ignored, and treated like crap. I still remember when I was 15 I went to school from 6am to 6pm...and didn't utter a single word. I hadn't realize that this had been going on for days until I went home and felt so numb. That day I walked around in a daze...it was as if I had been ignored out of existence. I guess a lack of companionship does this to you. In school we all had separate desks. But it was common during non-exam periods to 'join' our desks together. Everyone in my class of 40 joined the desks with each other, but all the people near me refused to join my desk with me. Man, the public humiliation was unbearable. Every teacher who walked in class immediately knew who the class loser was! Of course to save me from further embarrassment none of the teachers mentioned anything so I just wallowed in my own misery... Well these aren't even the worst of my experiences, they rest are too complicated, tiring and embarrassing to talk about.
I came from an all-girls school, and if you ever watched the movie 'Mean Girls' you'll know when I tell you girls can be utterly ruthless...they kill you with words and not fists. And lets not forget their innate superpower known as shunning...when one girl hates you...their feelings multiplies like diseased amoeba and soon the whole class hates you! Anyway according to social hierarchy I was the bottom of the barrel. From the first day in my new class too...we were all new, but I could see people hesitated when I talked to them! What was so wrong with me and so different about me that people would hate me so much?! Then I changed tactics...and tried being 'nice'. Wrong move. People thought I was so desperate. I had a vibe that whimpered "please be my friend please please I will do anything". Thinking back on it, I really treasured my niceness though. It was rare. People seem to interpret it as weakness, and I can see why: the people around me thought "she'll put up with anything anyways"
Also, people rejected me cuz I looked like I didn't take care of myself and this apparently translates in not loving yourself and hence not deserving love from others. I had crazy hair. My hair was thick frizzy and I tied it in a low ponytail with center-parting that made me look like grandma!! When I finally went to the hairdresser's (after I left school) the stylist commented "wow your hairstyle is very outdated" My face had pimples and baby fat. I didn't dress like them (apparently this is a very subtle art). Even though we wore uniforms, there was some unspoken rule I wan't aware of until I graduated and grew a sense of self awareness. Apparently, my skirt wasn't short enough. My blouse wasn't low enough. Basically I had to alter my uniform beyond recognition to be accepted. My socks wasn't cool enough. And everybody wore shoelaces. There was another unpopular girl in school and I could see why we both weren't accepted. She didn't wear shoelaces and cool socks of the appropriate length. Neither did I. We wore those ugly slip on shoes. And I didn't have piercings. And you have to tie your hair into high ponytails but pull some loose strands in a messy way out so you will seem cool like you don't care about anything. And also you must dye your hair, or at least have highlights, every time you come back from a summer holiday. It all sounds so stupid but its true...
Fast forward three years later.
I am now 18. Except with new hair. And a new school. Clear skin. Skinny. Discovered makeup. Better esteem but still a little conflicted. I moved to a new school at 15. I still had a complex with my hair and was deathly afraid of people gossiping about it so I chopped it all off. It was like a burden had been lifted. I never felt better! Anyways in three years it all grew back but I was prepared. The discovery of hair straightening changed my life! To an extent, your outside does affect your inside. But I don't know if this is just temporary confidence. Even if it is, it sure feels good.
In my new school, for the first month I didn't fit in. I still looked different then all the other girls. They were kinda tall and had supermodel legs. Plus the most popular air-headed bimbo (she is really a walking stereotype...she and her bf are the most famous couple in our school) was in my class! During the first day someone said something about me that was kinda offensive (ironically she later became a good friend of mine). I thought, "On no, history is repeating itself" but surprisingly I survived AND made friends! For the first time I had my little 'clique'! (I sound so bimbotic now lol). I graduated with 5 people I can truly call my friends. And we still keep in contact. That's a miracle to me. Having friends is kinda like being injected with confidence-steriods!!! But like any happiness drug there are side-effects. Though my outside has changed, my internal is still in conflict. Who am I really? Would my current friends accept me if they knew my past? They say I am wonderful I am but what about the same 'me' just a few years ago? Or is that a different 'me'? Maybe I have some sort of personality crisis. To an extent, I overcompensated. Went crazy over makeup. Lost weight. Threw out my entire closet in a fit of dissatisfaction. Buying only branded clothes. Redesigning my room. The truth is, I was redesigning my life. And somehow, it worked.
And somehow because of this I link my self esteem to superficial things like appearances. My happiness has become linked with my image. It's abit sad really. A few years ago i wore nerdy glasses with thin frames that made me look 10 years older. Now I only wear contacts or those hip thick black frame ones. I remember coming home from my new school after seeing everyone with short skirts, I begged my mom to shorten my skirt for me. She said it was short enough... at that moment my neighbor who has a daughter my age walked in and commented "Wow, why are her school uniform's skirt so long? Its so old-fashioned...you should really adjust it" (thank my lucky stars for this moment my mom instantly shortened all my skirts thanks to my neighbors criticism...while i whined in the background about all the other moms who shortened skirts and how much I suffered without short skirts....lol) The old me is at odds with the current me. When I was young I thought looks weren't important. My parents used to tell me its the inside that counts...and I believed it wholeheartedly. I was a nice girl but I didn't take care of my looks and it seemed like nobody wanted me. Now I'm not so naive....
Life was going pretty smoothly. But even small kinks in the road can awaken hidden emotions buried in the past...like my recent temporary job... serving fancy drinks to some foreign VIPs and taking photos with them (we were dressed in expensive dresses). Anyway 5 girls of my age signed up and we all chatted really nicely except one (this was 3 hours before the event and we were all getting fitted). I guess in the past that would have been me...but now the tables had turned and I wasn't the one being ostracized anymore...At first, it felt like a great relief. She was overweight, had nerdy thin frame glasses, no makeup, crazy hair, not so nice skin, and wore a below the knee length skirt.
I took another look. And I saw myself.
There she was, a mirror of my past. Not daring to talk to us 4 girls. Sitting quietly by the corner, eyes looking down. And oh my god, those slip on shoes. The only difference was, I'm not that girl. I'm an insider now, not an outsider. And I felt bad because I didn't involve her in any of our conversations. Its like I rejected myself. I want nothing to do with my past. I was a victim but now am a perpetrator. What is wrong with me? It gets worse from here. The lady manager walks in. She says the male staff she hired to do heavy work like carrying crates and setting up the stage did not show up. At first she saw only us 4 and said she can't ask any of us to do the men's job...then she saw the lonesome girl and said "Sorry, we have to ask you to carry the items". We all knew why. They wanted her to do behind-the-scenes jobs because of her appearance. Another manager walked in, a male (males usually can't sense tense atmospheres involving girls) and he loudly asked "hey why is she not doing the waitressing job?" You could see the lady manager giving him the "shut up now" look...and then she changed story and said the girl couldn't fit into any of the clothes since she was "big"! That day I really had an eye opener. How people can judge you so easily. How obsessed people are with image. How superficial the world actually is. How easily it was to exclude others without a care for their feelings. How guilty I felt.
Life is really a rough ride...every time you think you've grown up you realize that actually you haven't. you think you grew out of superficiality and childishness and nothing can shock you any more but it does and you think you know yourself but you really don't. I wonder if anyone can relate to me sometimes. Hope you will leave some comments. If you wanna chide me for ignoring other people when I finally am in the position to include others...feel free to do so. Maybe I really deserve it. Maybe I don't have the right to complain about my past.
And thanks for reading if you actually made it through the wall of text!
Ever since I was a kid I've had unhealthy self esteem. One day when I was 8 my friend asked me why I was so clingy, always tagging along with them and coming to their desks to make small talk during breaks. I had an outgoing personality and enjoyed their company but they didn't enjoy mine, in fact they found me pretty annoying! I think I was rather insecure due to my upbringing. During my teenage years I tricked myself into thinking I didn't like people as a self defense mechanism, but the truth was far more painful - they didn't like me. Because no one paid any attention to me and even gave me pretty negative responses...yea I was ignored, and treated like crap. I still remember when I was 15 I went to school from 6am to 6pm...and didn't utter a single word. I hadn't realize that this had been going on for days until I went home and felt so numb. That day I walked around in a daze...it was as if I had been ignored out of existence. I guess a lack of companionship does this to you. In school we all had separate desks. But it was common during non-exam periods to 'join' our desks together. Everyone in my class of 40 joined the desks with each other, but all the people near me refused to join my desk with me. Man, the public humiliation was unbearable. Every teacher who walked in class immediately knew who the class loser was! Of course to save me from further embarrassment none of the teachers mentioned anything so I just wallowed in my own misery... Well these aren't even the worst of my experiences, they rest are too complicated, tiring and embarrassing to talk about.
I came from an all-girls school, and if you ever watched the movie 'Mean Girls' you'll know when I tell you girls can be utterly ruthless...they kill you with words and not fists. And lets not forget their innate superpower known as shunning...when one girl hates you...their feelings multiplies like diseased amoeba and soon the whole class hates you! Anyway according to social hierarchy I was the bottom of the barrel. From the first day in my new class too...we were all new, but I could see people hesitated when I talked to them! What was so wrong with me and so different about me that people would hate me so much?! Then I changed tactics...and tried being 'nice'. Wrong move. People thought I was so desperate. I had a vibe that whimpered "please be my friend please please I will do anything". Thinking back on it, I really treasured my niceness though. It was rare. People seem to interpret it as weakness, and I can see why: the people around me thought "she'll put up with anything anyways"
Also, people rejected me cuz I looked like I didn't take care of myself and this apparently translates in not loving yourself and hence not deserving love from others. I had crazy hair. My hair was thick frizzy and I tied it in a low ponytail with center-parting that made me look like grandma!! When I finally went to the hairdresser's (after I left school) the stylist commented "wow your hairstyle is very outdated" My face had pimples and baby fat. I didn't dress like them (apparently this is a very subtle art). Even though we wore uniforms, there was some unspoken rule I wan't aware of until I graduated and grew a sense of self awareness. Apparently, my skirt wasn't short enough. My blouse wasn't low enough. Basically I had to alter my uniform beyond recognition to be accepted. My socks wasn't cool enough. And everybody wore shoelaces. There was another unpopular girl in school and I could see why we both weren't accepted. She didn't wear shoelaces and cool socks of the appropriate length. Neither did I. We wore those ugly slip on shoes. And I didn't have piercings. And you have to tie your hair into high ponytails but pull some loose strands in a messy way out so you will seem cool like you don't care about anything. And also you must dye your hair, or at least have highlights, every time you come back from a summer holiday. It all sounds so stupid but its true...
Fast forward three years later.
I am now 18. Except with new hair. And a new school. Clear skin. Skinny. Discovered makeup. Better esteem but still a little conflicted. I moved to a new school at 15. I still had a complex with my hair and was deathly afraid of people gossiping about it so I chopped it all off. It was like a burden had been lifted. I never felt better! Anyways in three years it all grew back but I was prepared. The discovery of hair straightening changed my life! To an extent, your outside does affect your inside. But I don't know if this is just temporary confidence. Even if it is, it sure feels good.
In my new school, for the first month I didn't fit in. I still looked different then all the other girls. They were kinda tall and had supermodel legs. Plus the most popular air-headed bimbo (she is really a walking stereotype...she and her bf are the most famous couple in our school) was in my class! During the first day someone said something about me that was kinda offensive (ironically she later became a good friend of mine). I thought, "On no, history is repeating itself" but surprisingly I survived AND made friends! For the first time I had my little 'clique'! (I sound so bimbotic now lol). I graduated with 5 people I can truly call my friends. And we still keep in contact. That's a miracle to me. Having friends is kinda like being injected with confidence-steriods!!! But like any happiness drug there are side-effects. Though my outside has changed, my internal is still in conflict. Who am I really? Would my current friends accept me if they knew my past? They say I am wonderful I am but what about the same 'me' just a few years ago? Or is that a different 'me'? Maybe I have some sort of personality crisis. To an extent, I overcompensated. Went crazy over makeup. Lost weight. Threw out my entire closet in a fit of dissatisfaction. Buying only branded clothes. Redesigning my room. The truth is, I was redesigning my life. And somehow, it worked.
And somehow because of this I link my self esteem to superficial things like appearances. My happiness has become linked with my image. It's abit sad really. A few years ago i wore nerdy glasses with thin frames that made me look 10 years older. Now I only wear contacts or those hip thick black frame ones. I remember coming home from my new school after seeing everyone with short skirts, I begged my mom to shorten my skirt for me. She said it was short enough... at that moment my neighbor who has a daughter my age walked in and commented "Wow, why are her school uniform's skirt so long? Its so old-fashioned...you should really adjust it" (thank my lucky stars for this moment my mom instantly shortened all my skirts thanks to my neighbors criticism...while i whined in the background about all the other moms who shortened skirts and how much I suffered without short skirts....lol) The old me is at odds with the current me. When I was young I thought looks weren't important. My parents used to tell me its the inside that counts...and I believed it wholeheartedly. I was a nice girl but I didn't take care of my looks and it seemed like nobody wanted me. Now I'm not so naive....
Life was going pretty smoothly. But even small kinks in the road can awaken hidden emotions buried in the past...like my recent temporary job... serving fancy drinks to some foreign VIPs and taking photos with them (we were dressed in expensive dresses). Anyway 5 girls of my age signed up and we all chatted really nicely except one (this was 3 hours before the event and we were all getting fitted). I guess in the past that would have been me...but now the tables had turned and I wasn't the one being ostracized anymore...At first, it felt like a great relief. She was overweight, had nerdy thin frame glasses, no makeup, crazy hair, not so nice skin, and wore a below the knee length skirt.
I took another look. And I saw myself.
There she was, a mirror of my past. Not daring to talk to us 4 girls. Sitting quietly by the corner, eyes looking down. And oh my god, those slip on shoes. The only difference was, I'm not that girl. I'm an insider now, not an outsider. And I felt bad because I didn't involve her in any of our conversations. Its like I rejected myself. I want nothing to do with my past. I was a victim but now am a perpetrator. What is wrong with me? It gets worse from here. The lady manager walks in. She says the male staff she hired to do heavy work like carrying crates and setting up the stage did not show up. At first she saw only us 4 and said she can't ask any of us to do the men's job...then she saw the lonesome girl and said "Sorry, we have to ask you to carry the items". We all knew why. They wanted her to do behind-the-scenes jobs because of her appearance. Another manager walked in, a male (males usually can't sense tense atmospheres involving girls) and he loudly asked "hey why is she not doing the waitressing job?" You could see the lady manager giving him the "shut up now" look...and then she changed story and said the girl couldn't fit into any of the clothes since she was "big"! That day I really had an eye opener. How people can judge you so easily. How obsessed people are with image. How superficial the world actually is. How easily it was to exclude others without a care for their feelings. How guilty I felt.
Life is really a rough ride...every time you think you've grown up you realize that actually you haven't. you think you grew out of superficiality and childishness and nothing can shock you any more but it does and you think you know yourself but you really don't. I wonder if anyone can relate to me sometimes. Hope you will leave some comments. If you wanna chide me for ignoring other people when I finally am in the position to include others...feel free to do so. Maybe I really deserve it. Maybe I don't have the right to complain about my past.
And thanks for reading if you actually made it through the wall of text!