This is my first post. I just joined not 5 minutes ago. I've made 3 blogs about what my underlying feelings about myself are, so it's pretty common knowledge, hehe. No one listens or understands or replies tho...They just think I'm being emo..even though at the time I'm writing em...I kinda am.
The 1st is from My Myspace Page, November, 2006:
Looking deep into myself
--Man I been so lost lately. I seem to find myself just staring at ceilings or in corners lately, ya know? Juss spacing out. I look around and see that I am endowed with many gifts that life itself has offered me: Love from all around, friends and family that I would never replace for anything in the world, good looks, perfect health, and an intellect that seem to catch many off guard on so many levels. I have a potential that many have but yet few realize and act on. I have with me the power to be and do anything and go anywhere, So tell me this...
--Why am I so lost?
--It's Crazy sometimes living this life of unassurity. Having to know so much of your self, acknowledging all your blessings- knowing that they are bountiful- and still can't do anything with yourself. It can be depressing at times. It's like buying a gun with plenty of ammo but there's no trigger. What I'm trying to say with that analogy is that something very vital to my being- all that I know I am- is missing. And I search day after day to find it.
--Now many of you may say look to Jesus or look to god, but there are a few factors about that I must first let you know. First of all, of course I've thought about it. All lost souls have. Second , giving myself to god seems viable in many differant rational ways. I mean what better way to free youself than lifting all your aguish up and out and giving it to an entity that can bare the strain for you, right? But I'm a thinker not a leaper. Being one with an analytical mindframe, I feel that although that's a good answer it may not be the answer, and if it is then Ill be with god when I'm ready to be...cause he's always gonna be ready for me, ya know?
--So lately I've been looking in. I've been digging inside myself and actually bring what I like about myself out, for not only the world to see, but for myself as well. For example: For years I've proclaimed that reading and self education is essental to life...well at least it needs to be. Well, because I haven't really read a real book since the required ones in high school (if I was lucky) I'm actually starting to actively soak up knowledge through many mediums and even sitting down and cracking open books and browsing through em.
--Now notice I said browsing.--
--First I need to exploit my interests. I really don't know what I like. I know what I think I know what I like, but I've realized lately that I'm not really as interested in the things I like as I thought I was. I mean I know I'll always love comic books, but other than that? I mean I'm starting to realize that I don't even know myself. How many of you have experienced that? For the first time in my life I'm scared because I thought I had myself-and therefore my life- all figured out when I don't. Truly lost. And yeah, alone too. And you know what's sadder? For some reason I think I do it intentionally.
--I don't know why I'm deciding to type this down all now, other than to let all my loved ones know that I'm going through an inner struggle. Been going through it all my life it seems. But don't feel bad for me. That's growth if it ain't anything else. I'm overcoming obstacles and soon moving mountains. I should consider myself lucky. Beacuse like I said, many people like me never act on-or even count- thier blessings, best beileve Imma get my chalk and my board get them tally marks goin'. >_<
--Much Love--
My Facebook one. Made December 09
"Lately..."
--I've been scared...well honestly I've been lived in fear most of my life. Fear of what? I don't know, and that's the thing. Everyday I wake up with a smile. I feel grateful for the life that I live...and dare I say it, I even feel quite blessed. I mean check me out: Good looks, healthy, military, college, friends, happy family, no diseases, in shape. I have a lot going for me, ya know?
--My past was great, my present is seamless...but I think it's the future that keeps me stagnant a lot, and I'll tell you what I mean. At my job, I could be at the top of my game right now. I could be volunteering all the time, having dinner with commanders. I could be utilizing all that the Air Force has to offer me, but instead I do just enough for my higher ups to notice me...but not praise me...and not look down on me. School? I'm a C student...and that's ONLY cuz I need to keep a certain GPA to get tuitions assistance and money for skool, but really I don't take it as seriously as I should.
--The list can go on, but in the end It's all me doing no more than I should to get by...and that's been my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE...that is no joke nor is it an exaggeration. I'm a skater. I take the path of least resistance...but in the end, when the real world cometh...Man, I'll be a lost dog, feel me?
--To be honest: I don't think I'll become as successful as people think I could be. I have no faith in my drawing skills as a professional...I love my drawings, don't get me wrong...I love the characters I make. I love dinking around with Photoshop and everything...but what I do is not going to be what I want it to be...it's sad I think that way but true. There are WAY more successful people than me who are younger than me...on the grand scale I honestly rank myself a 3 in artistry (out of 10).
--So why is it that I'm afraid of progress? Takeing it a step further, how is it that I KNOW what my issue is but can't seem to overcome it? It's a personal thing...though about talking to a psychiatrist about it...even thought about hypno-therapy...but I never follow through with it...I do feel it'll help though. I think surrounding myself with good people and doing good things everyday helps...and I do that all the time, but...I don't know. I'm not changing. I'm not growing. I am not a real man in any way shape or form. I'm a coward. I have the potential and the mindset but I don't have the drive. The incentive, the motivation, the trigger. But Why? It's frustrating man.
--None of you have the answer...I know you don't. (and religion for me is NOT going to be the answer..if it is it ill be because I've exhausted all other avenues). This is just me venting cuz I'm tired of venting alone, ya know? So yeah...that's where I'm at, that's where I've been all my life. Nothing new to me, but a new chapter for most of you.
--JF--
And this one I made to an online phychiatrist via email a few hours ago...
Hello, Michell,
--My name is Jourel Freeman. And I think I'm losing touch. I'm 24 years old in The united States Air Force...but before that, 2 years in Job Corps, and before THAT, boot camp for 6 months.
--I like to draw and have always aspired to be a professional comic book pencil artist...sadly after years of drawing I am not anywhere near that goal. Sure I draw well, but I own MOUNTAINS of books that teach drawing and I can honestly say I've never read a single on all th way through.
--I close myself in my room all day everyday. I'm too used to chow halls and dorm rooms to ever want to step out and socialize. I have many many great friends who love me to death but I never talk to them unless they call ME. I never call out to anyone and have even lost great great friends for it...even girlfriends...hell even boyfriends...yeah.
--I've been getting bad grades since I was in 5th grade. Well actually earlier...my first kindergarten grades we satisfactory and non satisfactory, Every report card from Grade ONE has said :Jourel Freeman is a great student, BUT..."...always a but behind it. That followed me all the way to High school, where I spent 5 years at, before I went to graduate through Job Corps because I was still too behind to traditionally graduate. I was class 2003 and graduated 2005.
--And I am VERY intelligent. I'm good looking, charismatic, HAPPY even. I'm foot loose fancy free most days. I help people all the time with their problems. I'm loved SO much, I have NINE god children, hehe. I live such a great...COOL life....but Im not progressing as a normal person should...MENTALLY, ya know? And I've know this for quite a while...YEARS in fact.
--I never apply myself...to anything. I go to art school...but Im barely hanging on. I'm so far into it with tuition that I cant even afford to get out. Everyone has faith in me but they don't understand that I'm not that guy. Well I CAN be...and I REALLY DO wanna try....but I never do. And it hurts that I never do. How can I have the CAN and not the DO? I's so sad cuz I want it so bad and it's RIGHT THERE. All the Potential Right in front of you...and you don't even reach out to grab it. Arrested development for life.
--I've vented about this same thing in both my myspace AND Facebook blogs...one was in 2006...the other one was a couple of months ago. Can you Help me? I've always wanted...NEEDED to ask for this
Maybe I need to let this all out to you guys for you to know where I'm at. Responses are definitely appreciated.
The 1st is from My Myspace Page, November, 2006:
Looking deep into myself
--Man I been so lost lately. I seem to find myself just staring at ceilings or in corners lately, ya know? Juss spacing out. I look around and see that I am endowed with many gifts that life itself has offered me: Love from all around, friends and family that I would never replace for anything in the world, good looks, perfect health, and an intellect that seem to catch many off guard on so many levels. I have a potential that many have but yet few realize and act on. I have with me the power to be and do anything and go anywhere, So tell me this...
--Why am I so lost?
--It's Crazy sometimes living this life of unassurity. Having to know so much of your self, acknowledging all your blessings- knowing that they are bountiful- and still can't do anything with yourself. It can be depressing at times. It's like buying a gun with plenty of ammo but there's no trigger. What I'm trying to say with that analogy is that something very vital to my being- all that I know I am- is missing. And I search day after day to find it.
--Now many of you may say look to Jesus or look to god, but there are a few factors about that I must first let you know. First of all, of course I've thought about it. All lost souls have. Second , giving myself to god seems viable in many differant rational ways. I mean what better way to free youself than lifting all your aguish up and out and giving it to an entity that can bare the strain for you, right? But I'm a thinker not a leaper. Being one with an analytical mindframe, I feel that although that's a good answer it may not be the answer, and if it is then Ill be with god when I'm ready to be...cause he's always gonna be ready for me, ya know?
--So lately I've been looking in. I've been digging inside myself and actually bring what I like about myself out, for not only the world to see, but for myself as well. For example: For years I've proclaimed that reading and self education is essental to life...well at least it needs to be. Well, because I haven't really read a real book since the required ones in high school (if I was lucky) I'm actually starting to actively soak up knowledge through many mediums and even sitting down and cracking open books and browsing through em.
--Now notice I said browsing.--
--First I need to exploit my interests. I really don't know what I like. I know what I think I know what I like, but I've realized lately that I'm not really as interested in the things I like as I thought I was. I mean I know I'll always love comic books, but other than that? I mean I'm starting to realize that I don't even know myself. How many of you have experienced that? For the first time in my life I'm scared because I thought I had myself-and therefore my life- all figured out when I don't. Truly lost. And yeah, alone too. And you know what's sadder? For some reason I think I do it intentionally.
--I don't know why I'm deciding to type this down all now, other than to let all my loved ones know that I'm going through an inner struggle. Been going through it all my life it seems. But don't feel bad for me. That's growth if it ain't anything else. I'm overcoming obstacles and soon moving mountains. I should consider myself lucky. Beacuse like I said, many people like me never act on-or even count- thier blessings, best beileve Imma get my chalk and my board get them tally marks goin'. >_<
--Much Love--
My Facebook one. Made December 09
"Lately..."
--I've been scared...well honestly I've been lived in fear most of my life. Fear of what? I don't know, and that's the thing. Everyday I wake up with a smile. I feel grateful for the life that I live...and dare I say it, I even feel quite blessed. I mean check me out: Good looks, healthy, military, college, friends, happy family, no diseases, in shape. I have a lot going for me, ya know?
--My past was great, my present is seamless...but I think it's the future that keeps me stagnant a lot, and I'll tell you what I mean. At my job, I could be at the top of my game right now. I could be volunteering all the time, having dinner with commanders. I could be utilizing all that the Air Force has to offer me, but instead I do just enough for my higher ups to notice me...but not praise me...and not look down on me. School? I'm a C student...and that's ONLY cuz I need to keep a certain GPA to get tuitions assistance and money for skool, but really I don't take it as seriously as I should.
--The list can go on, but in the end It's all me doing no more than I should to get by...and that's been my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE...that is no joke nor is it an exaggeration. I'm a skater. I take the path of least resistance...but in the end, when the real world cometh...Man, I'll be a lost dog, feel me?
--To be honest: I don't think I'll become as successful as people think I could be. I have no faith in my drawing skills as a professional...I love my drawings, don't get me wrong...I love the characters I make. I love dinking around with Photoshop and everything...but what I do is not going to be what I want it to be...it's sad I think that way but true. There are WAY more successful people than me who are younger than me...on the grand scale I honestly rank myself a 3 in artistry (out of 10).
--So why is it that I'm afraid of progress? Takeing it a step further, how is it that I KNOW what my issue is but can't seem to overcome it? It's a personal thing...though about talking to a psychiatrist about it...even thought about hypno-therapy...but I never follow through with it...I do feel it'll help though. I think surrounding myself with good people and doing good things everyday helps...and I do that all the time, but...I don't know. I'm not changing. I'm not growing. I am not a real man in any way shape or form. I'm a coward. I have the potential and the mindset but I don't have the drive. The incentive, the motivation, the trigger. But Why? It's frustrating man.
--None of you have the answer...I know you don't. (and religion for me is NOT going to be the answer..if it is it ill be because I've exhausted all other avenues). This is just me venting cuz I'm tired of venting alone, ya know? So yeah...that's where I'm at, that's where I've been all my life. Nothing new to me, but a new chapter for most of you.
--JF--
And this one I made to an online phychiatrist via email a few hours ago...
Hello, Michell,
--My name is Jourel Freeman. And I think I'm losing touch. I'm 24 years old in The united States Air Force...but before that, 2 years in Job Corps, and before THAT, boot camp for 6 months.
--I like to draw and have always aspired to be a professional comic book pencil artist...sadly after years of drawing I am not anywhere near that goal. Sure I draw well, but I own MOUNTAINS of books that teach drawing and I can honestly say I've never read a single on all th way through.
--I close myself in my room all day everyday. I'm too used to chow halls and dorm rooms to ever want to step out and socialize. I have many many great friends who love me to death but I never talk to them unless they call ME. I never call out to anyone and have even lost great great friends for it...even girlfriends...hell even boyfriends...yeah.
--I've been getting bad grades since I was in 5th grade. Well actually earlier...my first kindergarten grades we satisfactory and non satisfactory, Every report card from Grade ONE has said :Jourel Freeman is a great student, BUT..."...always a but behind it. That followed me all the way to High school, where I spent 5 years at, before I went to graduate through Job Corps because I was still too behind to traditionally graduate. I was class 2003 and graduated 2005.
--And I am VERY intelligent. I'm good looking, charismatic, HAPPY even. I'm foot loose fancy free most days. I help people all the time with their problems. I'm loved SO much, I have NINE god children, hehe. I live such a great...COOL life....but Im not progressing as a normal person should...MENTALLY, ya know? And I've know this for quite a while...YEARS in fact.
--I never apply myself...to anything. I go to art school...but Im barely hanging on. I'm so far into it with tuition that I cant even afford to get out. Everyone has faith in me but they don't understand that I'm not that guy. Well I CAN be...and I REALLY DO wanna try....but I never do. And it hurts that I never do. How can I have the CAN and not the DO? I's so sad cuz I want it so bad and it's RIGHT THERE. All the Potential Right in front of you...and you don't even reach out to grab it. Arrested development for life.
--I've vented about this same thing in both my myspace AND Facebook blogs...one was in 2006...the other one was a couple of months ago. Can you Help me? I've always wanted...NEEDED to ask for this
Maybe I need to let this all out to you guys for you to know where I'm at. Responses are definitely appreciated.
