Boyfriend crushing me

[byebyebeautyful]

I have a boyfriend. He doesn't trust me because I have abused his trust and he says lots of hurtful things and does many hurtful things often not intentionally its just his personality to be a bit of a dick and a hypocrite (constantly double standarding me, for example I am not allowed to miss his calls ever, but he can ignore mine for hours).


Problem: I love him! We have been together for 3 years now. Why? I dont KNOW! Im miserable but I cant let go either.

Also, this relationship is crushing me in several ways. I live 100 miles away from him and home. i have no friends at the university im attending...mainly because when I did make some friends at school, they were NOT ok because the friends I made were boys. The friends he is kinda ok with (friends from home) he pretty much never lets me see them because seeing them interferes with me seeing him. And no they cant hang together because he really ******* hates my friends from school.

Also, he is crushing my self-esteem. I am supposed to be studying right now but these things are always on my mind and it is getting harder to focus. My self esteem is in a ******* trash can. I dont even dress pretty anymore, I just dress like a bum.


Everyone tells me "JUST DUMP HIM" but it is not so easy considering that I love him and when I do say "hey its over" he always talks me out of it and that is not hard to do because I am not 100% convinced I should leave him to begin with.


Im trapped. Im sad and crushed but in love...and without him I have no one.

 

[Intranetusa]

I have a boyfriend. He doesn't trust me because I have abused his trust and he says lots of hurtful things and does many hurtful things often not intentionally its just his personality to be a bit of a dick and a hypocrite (constantly double standarding me, for example I am not allowed to miss his calls ever, but he can ignore mine for hours).
Problem: I love him! We have been together for 3 years now. Why? I dont KNOW! Im miserable but I cant let go either.
Also, this relationship is crushing me in several ways. I live 100 miles away from him and home. i have no friends at the university im attending...mainly because when I did make some friends at school, they were NOT ok because the friends I made were boys. The friends he is kinda ok with (friends from home) he pretty much never lets me see them because seeing them interferes with me seeing him. And no they cant hang together because he really ******* hates my friends from school.
Also, he is crushing my self-esteem. I am supposed to be studying right now but these things are always on my mind and it is getting harder to focus. My self esteem is in a ******* trash can. I dont even dress pretty anymore, I just dress like a bum.
Everyone tells me "JUST DUMP HIM" but it is not so easy considering that I love him and when I do say "hey its over" he always talks me out of it and that is not hard to do because I am not 100% convinced I should leave him to begin with.
Im trapped. Im sad and crushed but in love...and without him I have no one.

I'll repeat what everyone is saying. Break up, your relationship is going nowhere. If his personality is to be a dick/hypocritical, then your relationship is pretty much doomed to failure.

I am confused why you guys are even together in the first place if it is his personality that is abusive/hypocritical and you don't like it.

He doesn't trust you because you have abused his trust? Did you cheat?
If yes, you should break up because you don't love him.

It seems to me that this is not about love - you're just clinging on to him because you're afraid you won't find someone else.

He obviously has no love for you, and if you cheated on him then you have no real love for him either.

 

[someguy23475]

He is not right for you. No true man would treat their woman like that. Break up with him, it's for the best.

 

[alonewanderer]

You're not in love with him, you're just afraid of being alone, like you said. On to the next one, it'll suck for a bit but it will get better.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Also, he is crushing my self-esteem. I am supposed to be studying right now but these things are always on my mind and it is getting harder to focus. My self esteem is in a ******* trash can. I dont even dress pretty anymore, I just dress like a bum.


Everyone tells me "JUST DUMP HIM" but it is not so easy considering that I love him and when I do say "hey its over" he always talks me out of it and that is not hard to do because I am not 100% convinced I should leave him to begin with.


Im trapped. Im sad and crushed but in love...and without him I have no one.

You're wrong - without him you have yourself.

You can't blame him for crushing your self-esteem or distracting your focus, because ultimately you are are allowing him to do that. You admitted he is a "hypocrite" and a "dick" - is that the kind of man that you deserve?

Take control and lose him, find yourself someone else or even just enjoy being single. Your self esteem begins with you. Start dressing nicely, start respecting yourself and don't tolerate people who treat you badly.

He may be transferring his problems to you, but if you just let that happen then you're equally to blame.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I find these stories quite frustrating, because I am one of a legion of guys who long for someone to treat right. There are much better men out there than this guy by the sound of it, and yet you ignore them in favour of him.

There was a girl I liked for a long time, not 3 years but 5 months. That was without any "relationship" too, so it was all my doing. She strung me along, treated me poorly, but it was equally my fault for not stopping and saying: "Hey, I don't deserve this."

After cutting her loose, it was like taking poison from a wound. I'm slowly trying to change myself now, not let people use me and walk all over me.

To blame other people for lowering my self worth is weak - I lower myself by not telling them where to get off.

You need to do the same - take a good look at yourself, whether you really enjoy this relationship and whether you think you can do better, and then act on that.

I'm sorry if I caused any offence, not my intention, I just think you need to take a little control, and unfortunately this is just the sort of topic that gets me a little too "fiery" sometimes

 

[alonewanderer]

Yea...just dump him and come shack up with me in Texas

 

[I'm Fine]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation but, and I'm sure that it will come as no surprise to you, I agree with everyone else. Even you know it's the right thing to do since you've already tried to break up with him. Unfortunately that will NEVER be successful all the while you're basically in two minds about it.

You've said that you love him. But nowhere in any of that have you said that he loves you. Isn't that important too?

Being with no-one may be hard, but really - is it any harder than what you have now? At least then you'd have your friends to help you through it. Now, you really DO have no-one.

I'm sorry it's probably not what you want to hear but it's my honest opinion. I hope it helps.

Good luck and Take care.

 

[byebyebeautyful]

Thanks for the advice guys, I guess I already know what needs to be done I just have to be strong enough to do it. I just dont know where to find such strength.

 

[alonewanderer]

...just go on a date with someone cute and single, plenty of strength and maybe some dinner ;D

 

[nerdygirl]

"Just dump him" is easy to say, hard to do. I getcha. It's even easier to tell yourself that you have to let go than it is to just let go. I stayed with X for several years longer than I should have. Even after we broke up, I kept letting him worm his way back into my life. At least that was only via telephone and email. It was right around Christmas of 2009 that I told him not to contact me any more. Then I changed my number and got a new email address.

In retrospect, my life has only improved since then. Yes, there are times I feel horribly lonesome and wish I could pick up the phone and call him. This is especially true when I have some sort of upsetting or happy news that I'd like to share. In general, though, I have noticeably less stress these days. It's worth the trade, and I do wish I'd done it sooner. I hope that if leaving is the best choice for you, that you find the strength to do it sooner rather than later.

By the way, did anybody else read, "He doesn't trust me because I have abused his dick"? Darn lines getting mixed up while I read.

 

[SophiaGrace]

He sounds abusive, no wonder your self esteem is in the crapper. I think you DO have he strength within you to cut it off. Just be gentle with yourself and do it when you are ready. *hug*

 

[ksushil970]

Just tell him about your feelings for him, and tell him that you don't like this kind of behavior of him. Hope, after that he will not do it again. But, if he did it again, than think about break up.


__________________________
*spam link removed*

 

[The Good Citizen]

ksushil970

You're updating a lot of very old posts, might be something to keep in mind as the OP hasn't even been on this site for 18 months, so even if they read it, everything would have probably resolved itself one way or another by now.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Set boundaries on contact; for example, that he's not allowed to contact you for a week. You need some clarity and space for yourself.

 

[Redtulips7]

COPY FROM MY PREVIOUS POST :How many of you are in the relationship at this moment but wants out or quit or brinks of breaking up but don't know how And stay in the Abusive,Manipulating,Mind Controlling,Toxic,Brain Hijacking etc. relationship because of Kids,House,Scare to being alone or Single etc.

If you are fit in the above kind of Relationship class its better break it off before your partner does,atleast you will have a upper hand,You will be Happy & leave with Dignity..It will hurt a lot but remember its better get hurt now than later when it will feels like ten times worster!!!!

I broke up with my GF for Five yrs(Ex-Now) who is a ***** becaue its always her way or highway....so one day after school closed for Summer,I asked her if she wants go to somewhere for one day but she said no because Kids(From Ex-Husband) got homework..I said School is closed for three(3)months but she wouldn't go,so I broke up with her...she was controlling & manupulating through out the whole times of the relationship....

Three weeks later She called me on the Phone said "Oh..I am sorry..I never ment or said I wouln't go...blah blah blah..."so I felt bad for her ment I took her back,seems everything went back to normal but She broke up with me Month later without any reason,She came back just to take a revenge or to get a upper hand!!!...That ***** just came back to the relatioship to broke up with me!!!I didn't see this is coming..I was a big Foooool and an Idiots...She played me like a Ping Pong Ball................WTF?

 

[Okiedokes]

Take the time to think things over and what good he has done in this relationship. That should help with your decision making and I must agree that he doesn't sound like a good person to be with. He sounds very possessive and manipulative. You should be able to have male friends and dress as you wish without him getting jealous. If he cared about you that much, he would just want you happy and not think of only himself.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Okay... wow I went through the same thing. 3 years? Wow.
Same here. Listen ok please. Leave him. You'll be better off.
Love yourself. Always. You feel he's all you have? He wants you to feel that.
He gets mad if you miss his calls? Same issue. He yelled at me if I ever did or guilt tripped me. He ignored my phone calls. I wasn't allowed to have any guys as friends. I lost my happiness. I forgot what I once enjoyed cause of him. It even got to the point I thought my life would be better if I was dead. Please get out! This isn't healthy. You're better than this trust me and you need full on support, joy, and love. Not misery. Please pm me if you need to talk okay? Cause I went through this similiar situation.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I have a boyfriend. He doesn't trust me because I have abused his trust and he says lots of hurtful things and does many hurtful things often not intentionally its just his personality to be a bit of a dick and a hypocrite (constantly double standarding me, for example I am not allowed to miss his calls ever, but he can ignore mine for hours).


Problem: I love him! We have been together for 3 years now. Why? I dont KNOW! Im miserable but I cant let go either.

Also, this relationship is crushing me in several ways. I live 100 miles away from him and home. i have no friends at the university im attending...mainly because when I did make some friends at school, they were NOT ok because the friends I made were boys. The friends he is kinda ok with (friends from home) he pretty much never lets me see them because seeing them interferes with me seeing him. And no they cant hang together because he really ******* hates my friends from school.

Also, he is crushing my self-esteem. I am supposed to be studying right now but these things are always on my mind and it is getting harder to focus. My self esteem is in a ******* trash can. I dont even dress pretty anymore, I just dress like a bum.


Everyone tells me "JUST DUMP HIM" but it is not so easy considering that I love him and when I do say "hey its over" he always talks me out of it and that is not hard to do because I am not 100% convinced I should leave him to begin with.


Im trapped. Im sad and crushed but in love...and without him I have no one.

OP, you know what? You just exactly expressed everything I went through in my previous relationship. And I was EXACTLY like you. I couldn't let go. Because I loved him. But I was breaking down to the core because of what he did and what he expected of me. Exactly what your'e going through, I'm not even kidding.

Listen. You're not going to make the decision so quickly. It took me ages and I was on another forum and everyone was trying to make me see how abusive the relationship was for me. You will eventually come to a breaking point where enough is enough and you'll end up breaking up with him - trust me. This relationship you have is not going anywhere good and it's only going downhill because he WILL NOT change. So to save yourself further heartache, exit.

I know it's hard too and scary to think of how alone you'll be after you leave him. I felt that too and that I think was mostly why I didn't want to leave. But guess what? Things got better. I got my freedom, I got my friends back, I got my family back (yes he even didn't like me spending time with my family cos any time I have should be spent with him). I got my life back, thankfully. And yes it gets lonely and I yearn for someone to be there? And almost got into some rebound relationships but I was able to hold back and know that it's just like a withdrawal symptom that I need to get over.

Eventually, I embraced singledom and loved it. I started to become happy again and positive again. And you know what? There are so many guys out there who are so much more compatible for you who can treat you so much better. You are just not opening up your mind to it and too afraid. You won't be alone for the rest of your life if you exit out of this relationship because you are giving yourself the opportunity to meet other guys. But if you stay? And choose to stick by him? Yes - you will likely be alone for the rest of your life.

And by the way? I stayed for close to 5 years. So it was almost like being so lonely for 5 years of my life where I lost the people I liked hanging out with, I lost my hobbies and everything else. All my time was devoted to him and him only. He took control of everything, closed down accounts so I couldn't socialise with other people. Even gets jealous of me with my girlfriends.

Don't hang on to this JUST because you're afraid to be alone. Love? Maybe you love him, or maybe you think you do. Because I believe, if one day you meet a guy better than this, you'll say that this isn't love - because love between two people shouldn't destroy you (at least I would hope not).

Wake up. Think logically. Think for yourself. It's not the end of the world if you leave him. It's the beginning of a new happy life for you. Trust me.

 

[Sterling]

I'd rather be alone and try to make myself happy rather be stuck with someone who was making my life hell.

 

[Bluueyyy]

Break up with him