JesusGirl1, please seek help for schizophrenia as you exhibit all of the classic symptoms.
I am far more familiar with the occult than you infer, and you are far more ignorant than you think you are, as could be inferred by the haphazard collection of random schitzoid associations that you are making.
The Lesser Key of Solomon - classic goetia - calls for serious rigor and dedication, to seek learning, knowledge and wisdom. Any Hermetic school will reinforce the need for daily banishing to create a sacred space, and spiritual authority for discovery; the creation of order from chaos, and incredible discipline of mind and concentration. Aleister Crowley, father of Thelema, as part of his teachings, told students to cut themselves with a blade every time their mind strayed, until the negative reinforcement forced them to focus only on one topic at a time. The very word 'occult knowledge' is 'hidden knowledge'; a path of study and introspection and awareness.
Frankly, even a dedicated occultist would take one look at you and just say that you are crazy. Again, please seek help as it can be found. And seek also understanding, if you wish, why your brain is making loose connections between events and trying to make understanding - that is mental illness, not a divine revelation. When did it begin? Note that the brain can create voices; much as dreaming itself can be delusional, a collection of images that are conjured up by our hopes and thoughts, reorganized by neurons, in a malfunctioning brain, these dreams can become vivid and active.
I believe that you can be an intelligent person. Please, then, try to use the intelligence to heal yourself as the famed John Nash did.
Wikipedia said:
Nash dates the start of what he terms "mental disturbances" to the early months of 1959 when his wife was pregnant. He has described a process of change "from scientific rationality of thinking into the delusional thinking characteristic of persons who are psychiatrically diagnosed as 'schizophrenic' or 'paranoid schizophrenic'"[20] including seeing himself as a messenger or having a special function in some way, and with supporters and opponents and hidden schemers, and a feeling of being persecuted, and looking for signs representing divine revelation.Nash has suggested his delusional thinking was related to his unhappiness and his striving to feel important and be recognized, and to his characteristic way of thinking such that "I wouldn't have had good scientific ideas if I had thought more normally."
I'm sure that even if you don't, the others here see the clear parallels of your thinking to that of the a schitzoid's as Mr Nash explained it in himself, which is why I extend compassion to you, and hope that you will come to realize this as well.