Can I find real friends in this country?

[lookingforhappiness]

Hello everyone,

I am an international student in the US and feel very lonely. Unfortunately, I am alone here and since I am over 23 (but working on my bachelor's because I did not finish it at home), my classmates are not the best people to hang out with. Also, I have noticed (and many other non-Americans feel exactly the same way) that the vast majority of people in this country always have some hidden agenda!! They will never do anything for you unless they can rip you off (learned it the hard way)!!

Most Americans seem to have time only for socializing and you can absolutely never rely on them for anything unless you do something for them first or embarrass them in public, so they can feel guilty! In addition, most people in this country does not seem to have any moral values. Life here can be best described by the sayings "It's all about money" and "It's about the resume!" Most people here seem to have absolutely no real friends. What is more, marriages are not taken seriously and that is why 50% of the population is divorced.

Do you agree or disagree with what I am saying? I find it extremely difficult to find decent people here. I would appreciate it if you can give me some good advice about how to make GOOD/REAL friends my age (I am in my late 20's).


Thanks in advance!

 

[Lilianna]

Welcome!

 

[lookingforhappiness]

Welcome!

Lilianna, thank you for your greeting. Could you please share what you think about my post? Also, do you have any advice?

 

[Barbaloot]

Well, first of all, I think you are really over generalizing how Americans behave and think, not all are like that, certainly. Even thinking that way is going to be detrimental to establishing a social life there.

Most international students struggle to make friends just about everywhere. It's not just a foreign student in the US thing, it's a stranger in any strange land thing. There are so many differences in social norms and culture that it's really easy to feel alienated and like you are on the outside looking in. But everywhere is what you make of it.

My advice? Seek out other international students. Most schools have clubs and gatherings for international students. Volunteer. Find activities to join. Meet actual Americans through these activities so you can see that they are not all like how you've stereotyped them.

 

[Lilianna]

I wouldn't say the vast majority of Americans have a hidden agenda, sure some do, but not most.

You say you were ripped off, I am sorry to hear you were taken advantage of, the person that did that may have impacted your view of Americans.

It's true that a lot of Americans don't have high moral standards, but that is also true of a large percentage of the people in the whole world.

Yes the divorce rate is terrible.

Barbaloot gave good advice on meeting others

 

[perfanoff]

I lived for 6 years in the US as an international student and in my opinion, reach out to other international students. You will have a lot more in common to them in terms of goals, aims, problems, so you will more naturally be able to make friends among those. Over the 6 years I made about 5 really good friends, with one of them being American. The rest were from all over the world.

If you'd like to make strictly American friends, you should most definitely get into American football.

MAKE SURE TO GO HOME AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR! You'll NEED it for your sanity!!!!!

 

[Moe'sTavern]

I'm an american and I'm still looking for those "real friends" you speak of. Good luck in your search.

 

[dreamsurfer]

Cliques...

From a young age people tend to be taught to judge each other based on criteria created by merchandise companies, Hollywood and other media. And due to poor socialization due to technology people just try to fit in with groups of people that know the things they know. Because of this you'll find people that can only relate to people that have shared similar experiences and are pretty much at a loss around other people. While this is a way to find people to talk to your abiity to converse with people that have different experiences and ideas becomes piss poor. A lot of people live in their "clique bubble" for so long that they become ignorant or intolerant of anyone different than they are.

I remember getting funny looks from classmates whenver I was talking to some of the Indian guys in our class. I am very good at gauging body language (don't ask me why...) and I am sure that they were baffled at the fact that I was talking to them.

I would guess that since people from other countries tend to be more aware of the world around them and how different people can be that you don't get as much trouble from international students. I do notice quite often that the international students seem to be able to create friendships quickly with each other. In the US I'm afraid it's difficult if you can't find some bubble where everyone just happens to relate on everything... I believe this starts to change with age. Older folks tend to realize that people are different. Younger ones are just too in their head to see the world around them. I call it tunnel vision.

All I can tell you is to just be yourself and to find people that can accept you for who you are.

 

[Misanthrope23]

Hello everyone,

I am an international student in the US and feel very lonely. Unfortunately, I am alone here and since I am over 23 (but working on my bachelor's because I did not finish it at home), my classmates are not the best people to hang out with. Also, I have noticed (and many other non-Americans feel exactly the same way) that the vast majority of people in this country always have some hidden agenda!! They will never do anything for you unless they can rip you off (learned it the hard way)!!

Most Americans seem to have time only for socializing and you can absolutely never rely on them for anything unless you do something for them first or embarrass them in public, so they can feel guilty! In addition, most people in this country does not seem to have any moral values. Life here can be best described by the sayings "It's all about money" and "It's about the resume!" Most people here seem to have absolutely no real friends. What is more, marriages are not taken seriously and that is why 50% of the population is divorced.

Do you agree or disagree with what I am saying? I find it extremely difficult to find decent people here. I would appreciate it if you can give me some good advice about how to make GOOD/REAL friends my age (I am in my late 20's).


Thanks in advance!

lookingforhappiness just out of curiosity are you male or female? also what country are you from? i think most international students feel inept at making friends in a new country, because it's a new language, and new culture. and i think that females are taken advantage of more often than males. i don't think all Americans are what you describe them to be, but living in America all my life i can tell you that there are a lot of shallow people living here. some can be very rude when respecting other cultures and foreigners and they think that they're the greatest, so it's best to stay away from those people. fortunately America is very diverse so you have many people to choose from. first off why not try making friends with other international students? that would give you some solid ground and become more comfortable while staying here. it appears that you know English well so that's a huge plus. try joining school clubs and become involved in activities. are you good at any sports? sports are a big thing here, especially baseball, basketball, and football. or how about introducing a sport you play back in your home country? but there are many types of people that you can become friends with. become friends with people that have similar interests with you.

i'm not the greatest expert when it comes to friends (that's why i'm on this site!), and even being a native-born American i still have difficulty making friends, and this causes me to be a bit jaded. but try not to give up! (yeah i'm being more optimistic than usual today).

 

[ladyforsaken]

What Barbaloot and perfanoff said.

It's not easy for international students anywhere to fit in. They usually tend to find other international students because they can relate better. It's human nature to go in groups of people in your own culture so the minorities will tend to be left out.

 

[Okonkwo]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

 

[bodafuko]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

I don't think people are inherently different by virtue of where they are born or where they live. I've spoken to a lot of people that have traveled about this very subject and what they have all told me is that, much to their surprise, people are people (the same) **** near everywhere you go. Also, in a country of 300,000,000 people it's kind of silly to say there is not one genuine person due to their geography.

 

[Misanthrope23]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

I don't think people are inherently different by virtue of where they are born or where they live. I've spoken to a lot of people that have traveled about this very subject and what they have all told me is that, much to their surprise, people are people (the same) **** near everywhere you go. Also, in a country of 300,000,000 people it's kind of silly to say there is not one genuine person due to their geography.

i was gonna side with Okonkwo since i'm a pessimist, but i decided that i have to agree with you. with so many people there is bond to be some that share personal interests and are genuine.

 

[Regumika]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

I don't think people are inherently different by virtue of where they are born or where they live. I've spoken to a lot of people that have traveled about this very subject and what they have all told me is that, much to their surprise, people are people (the same) **** near everywhere you go. Also, in a country of 300,000,000 people it's kind of silly to say there is not one genuine person due to their geography.

while geography does not determine what type of person you are, but like mentioned similar types of people stick together. I live in SoCal, and down here is partial business, school, and super laid back party. opportunities come and go down here. but the place where i grew up, Mesa, AZ, is a bit different. It is more relaxed and slower than the go go go of So Cal. and people who are more relaxed end up in Mesa, and people that are more pumped and wants action now will flock to So Cal.

In terms of the OP, the setting is.. Schooling.. and that usually attract the same types of people. the majority of the students are school, study, work, bills. and have very little time for other things. foreign students are here for study and culture experience. local students are here in hopes for a non-struggling future. completely different goals and behavior.

 

[lookingforhappiness]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I expressed my opinion based on my past experience. I was taken advantage of many Americans and that is why I no longer believe them.

Yes, I will be looking for non-Americans since I get along much better with them.

Okonkwo, that is my impression as well, too - that I will never find real friends in this country and that is why I absolutely never ask Americans for anything. I have to admit that I have never seen so cheap and so poor people. Africans are not as cheap and poor as Americans, so I try to avoid Americans as much as possible.

 

[Misanthrope23]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I expressed my opinion based on my past experience. I was taken advantage of many Americans and that is why I no longer believe them.

Yes, I will be looking for non-Americans since I get along much better with them.

Okonkwo, that is my impression as well, too - that I will never find real friends in this country and that is why I absolutely never ask Americans for anything. I have to admit that I have never seen so cheap and so poor people. Africans are not as cheap and poor as Americans, so I try to avoid Americans as much as possible.

i'm an American and i don't act cheap i may be poor lol but that's because i'm a college student.

 

[Mystery_Man]

I can definitely agree with the no moral values thing. Do whatever you want to make yourself happy, feel better or get ahead, forget how it affects anyone else or our country or environment...it's the American way. It's also a big part of why the rest of the world despises us.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I expressed my opinion based on my past experience. I was taken advantage of many Americans and that is why I no longer believe them.

Yes, I will be looking for non-Americans since I get along much better with them.

Okonkwo, that is my impression as well, too - that I will never find real friends in this country and that is why I absolutely never ask Americans for anything. I have to admit that I have never seen so cheap and so poor people. Africans are not as cheap and poor as Americans, so I try to avoid Americans as much as possible.

I'm not American. But I have an American brother-in-law. He's a kind-hearted man who gets along well with people of different backgrounds. So does his family.

Why generalise Americans as just one type? Yes, everyone is of the human race. Country segregates culture and traditions. But not character or personality.

Just because some Americans gave you bad experiences doesn't mean ALL Americans are like that. You've yet to meet the kind ones. I've got kind American friends made from here. It's very shallow of you to just pool everyone into a category just because.

Then I can also easily say - that men are all ******** and jerks because I was abused by a few. That any fair?

Seriously, dudes.

 

[perfanoff]

You are correct for the most part. America is an extremely individualistic society, and those who don't put themselves first are quickly left behind. The word "friend" in USA doesn't really have as much meaning as it does in other societies. Think of friends more as allies. They'll help you if it benefits them, but not just for the sake of helping you. There's nothing wrong with that, just understand that the expectation in friendships is always a mutually beneficially relationship. The second it stops being mutually beneficial, the friendship is likely to end very quickly.

I honestly don't think you'll ever find the type of friends you're looking for in USA. You'll have to adapt to relying on yourself more.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I expressed my opinion based on my past experience. I was taken advantage of many Americans and that is why I no longer believe them.

Yes, I will be looking for non-Americans since I get along much better with them.

Okonkwo, that is my impression as well, too - that I will never find real friends in this country and that is why I absolutely never ask Americans for anything. I have to admit that I have never seen so cheap and so poor people. Africans are not as cheap and poor as Americans, so I try to avoid Americans as much as possible.

I'm not American. But I have an American brother-in-law. He's a kind-hearted man who gets along well with people of different backgrounds. So does his family.

Why generalise Americans as just one type? Yes, everyone is of the human race. Country segregates culture and traditions. But not character or personality.

Just because some Americans gave you bad experiences doesn't mean ALL Americans are like that. You've yet to meet the kind ones. I've got kind American friends made from here. It's very shallow of you to just pool everyone into a category just because.

Then I can also easily say - that men are all ******** and jerks because I was abused by a few. That any fair?

Seriously, dudes.

This is true. There's all kinds of people everywhere.

You can't expect people who are in a very different place in life and brought up differently, to automatically become your friends.

 

[jayme89]

Well i'm an american and even i can't make friends with americans! Ironically enough most of my friends are international students. so without them i really am an outcast within my own society. sux. So just know that all americans are not the same, many of us find it hard to fit in with one another. Oh and then add in the fact that i'm a liberal northerner, living amongst conservative southerners and also i'm NOT christian! yeah...and i question why i'm lonely :/