Hi all, I’m new to the board so please bear with me if I waffle too much, I would really like your opinion.
I have always been a pessimist with low self esteem but never been depressed before until now. It started few months back with arguments with the boyfriend for silly reasons though sometimes I think I have a valid point but he just can’t see things from my point of view and only his view is correct.
I’ve always been lonely choosing to have few friends who are really there for me and vice versa and I tend to tell it like it is (and like to have the same done to me so I know where I stand) so people sometimes get pissed off with that. I have always been shy so find it difficult to chat to strangers and make new friends but have been working on it (I think it’s a confidence thing) and recently this has been much easier.
The boyfriend is a very outgoing person with zillions of friends, basically he admits it matters to him that everyone likes him, tho he does have a large group of very nice friends and at least dozen would put a hand into fire for him. As he wants to be liked he is naturally very friendly and outgoing having no problem at all to strike up a long, fun or meaningful (sometimes all three in one combo) with total strangers at parties etc.
Perhaps we are a living proof that opposites really do attract each other. Anyway it started as casual sx buddies over three years ago when I was breaking up from a marriage but over time we started to chat about common interest – movies – slowly discovered same taste and as we chatted I guess we learned about each other more, cuddles started to happen too, we went away for weekends few times and spent the odd night together then once I got separated we started to stay together at each others place a lot. It was easy going full of affection and eventually we fell for each other. So scratching my head as to how we ended up where we are now.
Anyway I have always felt that he is way out of my league being very good looking being tall and broad and handsome, lovely with all his friendliness, all the chicks are falling at him all the time. Its not that I’m not a stunner being slim tall long hair and pretty but I guess being very direct and shy are not attractive qualities. On the other hand on a good day I am very funny and witty which my friends love about me and he has put on huge amount of weight (basically lost most muscles and gained big stomach) after bad back problems. Yet I can not think of myself as worthy of him. And I think it comes from this: he is doing a lot of gaming a- on consoles on his own and b- role playing with friends which involves two nights every week without a fail and at least once per month a full weekend. When we started to officially be a couple two years ago he had given up a lot of console gaming to spend time with me. I have never had an issue with him also having the odd boys night out either so as time progressed he is going back to his console gaming more and I feel left out. I try to understand that its normal but then when he brings his console to mine and spends time on it with my housemate (our mutual best friend) I feel like all I do is cooking, cleaning, washing and occasionally satisfy his sx appetite. The sx life used to be really great but seems to have declined – not due to my depression. As you can imagine this causes lots of conflict and I am working really hard not to be narky about it and try to find some compromise. I had told him I was diagnosed clinically depressed and am trying to work through it, asked him to read a booklet from GP which I found helpful and try to sear him in direction of what I want as a support. For example last night he took me out for dinner and bought me a wii game (the only platform I am any good at playing and he takes no interest in it) to cheer me up. The plan was to go back to mine after and go straight to bed to carry on with the nice chilled mood and cuddle up. Yet when we got to mine he sat down in front of tv chatting to my housemate. I thought its fine for a bit to be social but then he put on a game as he wanted to show him something. I still thought ok this should be quick but once he showed him what he wanted he played another game and that’s when I got pissed off. I seem to be taking a sideline an awful lot and whilst CBT is helping me not to be too narky and jump down his throat the first instance a negative thought pops into my head I don’t feel he is making an effort to compromise on things. I told him I want us to spend good quality time just the two of us as its starting to feel like the housemate (only moved in with him a month ago) is taking part in too many things. Its not that I’m jeleous of him its that I feel the boyfriend is not paying me as much attention as he used to and we did agree that we need some quality time on our own.
So what is your opinion? Could he do more and try to meet me half way? I have tried to get him to read websites to just understand what I am going through, I even tried to give him examples of situations and the rubbish negative irrational thoughts that pop in my head and how I try to cope with them so that he can understand how some things cause me to feel. Am I asking too much? Am I being oversensitive? I feel like I would like the relationship to move on and us to be a bit closer and more open with each other, talking is very important to me but he seems to just relax more and do more of his stuff in my house which I don’t count as quality time with me just because I am in the next room reading a book.
I have always been a pessimist with low self esteem but never been depressed before until now. It started few months back with arguments with the boyfriend for silly reasons though sometimes I think I have a valid point but he just can’t see things from my point of view and only his view is correct.
I’ve always been lonely choosing to have few friends who are really there for me and vice versa and I tend to tell it like it is (and like to have the same done to me so I know where I stand) so people sometimes get pissed off with that. I have always been shy so find it difficult to chat to strangers and make new friends but have been working on it (I think it’s a confidence thing) and recently this has been much easier.
The boyfriend is a very outgoing person with zillions of friends, basically he admits it matters to him that everyone likes him, tho he does have a large group of very nice friends and at least dozen would put a hand into fire for him. As he wants to be liked he is naturally very friendly and outgoing having no problem at all to strike up a long, fun or meaningful (sometimes all three in one combo) with total strangers at parties etc.
Perhaps we are a living proof that opposites really do attract each other. Anyway it started as casual sx buddies over three years ago when I was breaking up from a marriage but over time we started to chat about common interest – movies – slowly discovered same taste and as we chatted I guess we learned about each other more, cuddles started to happen too, we went away for weekends few times and spent the odd night together then once I got separated we started to stay together at each others place a lot. It was easy going full of affection and eventually we fell for each other. So scratching my head as to how we ended up where we are now.
Anyway I have always felt that he is way out of my league being very good looking being tall and broad and handsome, lovely with all his friendliness, all the chicks are falling at him all the time. Its not that I’m not a stunner being slim tall long hair and pretty but I guess being very direct and shy are not attractive qualities. On the other hand on a good day I am very funny and witty which my friends love about me and he has put on huge amount of weight (basically lost most muscles and gained big stomach) after bad back problems. Yet I can not think of myself as worthy of him. And I think it comes from this: he is doing a lot of gaming a- on consoles on his own and b- role playing with friends which involves two nights every week without a fail and at least once per month a full weekend. When we started to officially be a couple two years ago he had given up a lot of console gaming to spend time with me. I have never had an issue with him also having the odd boys night out either so as time progressed he is going back to his console gaming more and I feel left out. I try to understand that its normal but then when he brings his console to mine and spends time on it with my housemate (our mutual best friend) I feel like all I do is cooking, cleaning, washing and occasionally satisfy his sx appetite. The sx life used to be really great but seems to have declined – not due to my depression. As you can imagine this causes lots of conflict and I am working really hard not to be narky about it and try to find some compromise. I had told him I was diagnosed clinically depressed and am trying to work through it, asked him to read a booklet from GP which I found helpful and try to sear him in direction of what I want as a support. For example last night he took me out for dinner and bought me a wii game (the only platform I am any good at playing and he takes no interest in it) to cheer me up. The plan was to go back to mine after and go straight to bed to carry on with the nice chilled mood and cuddle up. Yet when we got to mine he sat down in front of tv chatting to my housemate. I thought its fine for a bit to be social but then he put on a game as he wanted to show him something. I still thought ok this should be quick but once he showed him what he wanted he played another game and that’s when I got pissed off. I seem to be taking a sideline an awful lot and whilst CBT is helping me not to be too narky and jump down his throat the first instance a negative thought pops into my head I don’t feel he is making an effort to compromise on things. I told him I want us to spend good quality time just the two of us as its starting to feel like the housemate (only moved in with him a month ago) is taking part in too many things. Its not that I’m jeleous of him its that I feel the boyfriend is not paying me as much attention as he used to and we did agree that we need some quality time on our own.
So what is your opinion? Could he do more and try to meet me half way? I have tried to get him to read websites to just understand what I am going through, I even tried to give him examples of situations and the rubbish negative irrational thoughts that pop in my head and how I try to cope with them so that he can understand how some things cause me to feel. Am I asking too much? Am I being oversensitive? I feel like I would like the relationship to move on and us to be a bit closer and more open with each other, talking is very important to me but he seems to just relax more and do more of his stuff in my house which I don’t count as quality time with me just because I am in the next room reading a book.
you have entered the big leagues now. You got a man like him and you can do it again. Then again, my whole lack of regular relationships makes it hard for me to have any credibility in these matters.
