can't quite keep it together

[Haz]

just feeling a little sore at myself for failing my chef's exam today

the worst thing is, I could have passed. I was under the impression that I was going to fail after presenting a dish which had come up a little undercooked, it was like alright, i'll get on with it at least. then the recipe card for a potato item I was making failed me which I knew I couldn't save, and I went into a panic. I burnt my next dish slightly, the teacher was like "alright, you may have to resit this exam" when I presented it, and though I had confidently put together all my preparation earlier and by rights could have put my next few dishes up in the same timeframe everyone else did I just couldn't will myself to finish it, my depression overcome me once again, and I told myself it wasn't worth putting myself through these emotions because I just knew I would keep making mistakes and feel even worse I explained this to my teacher who knows I have a history of depression, he said there is time you can try and put it all back on again, all is not lost and you will probably pass this if you finish up, I was overwhelmed with emotion and just couldn't do it though.

I stopped taking anti-depressants months ago and i've been the happiest i've been with myself in years, just the stress bought out the worst in me today. Basically, I hate these practical lessons. Most of my time is spent running back and forth all over the kitchen looking for ingredients which throws me off because they always run out of stuff, every time I need to use a gas burner I am sharing a stove with someone who is already using it etc. I know the industry is much more stressful in comparison in other ways, I just hate this setup cause I need my own space to work and running all around the building looking for an onion when I need it is an incredible waste of time. Tie that in with the fact that I work at a restaurant that deals with a completely different branch of cookery, and I just find myself struggling.

I have a lot of self doubt, it seems evident I cannot handle stress when things go wrong (and they will) without flying into a near suicidal fit of emotion as my train of thought snowballs into thinking about negative things that happened to me in my past, and this horrible feeling i'm going to just burn out some day. Success is not everything, but I do pride myself on my ability to logically figure out solutions to problems and enjoy the rewards that come with it, it just seems no matter what I pursue whether it is hobbies or professional interests I am always good with it, but never good enough. I keep making blunders, and suffering for it.

I'm a practical man, but a dreamer. I'm tearing my hair out, I can never seem to fit in anywhere, and i'm just feeling a lot of doubt right now. I keep thinking to myself if I just study more and practice my cooking, well I will show improvement. And I have, but once again... it just never seems enough. If I let me depression overwhelm me, it'll be the end of me. I quit my last job because of it which started a 7 month long so period of unemployment which ended up in me committing suicide, i've picked the pieces up since then and have many accomplishments. Just yeah. self doubt

 

[MissWrite726]

just feeling a little sore at myself for failing my chef's exam today

If I let me depression overwhelm me, it'll be the end of me. I quit my last job because of it which started a 7 month long so period of unemployment which ended up in me committing suicide, i've picked the pieces up since then and have many accomplishments. Just yeah. self doubt

Oh how I know what you're going through. I'm not going to pretend my life is exactly the same but the self doubt part not being able to go through with things you know you can do that is very me. I don't know how to help it except to keep struggling and trying to believe that it will get better. A very wise man once told me that nothing stays the same unless you allow it to. I didn't listen to him but I know now that it's basically true. Time changes things and it's how your respond to it that decides if things are going to be different. You can and will do this whatever you need to do you can do it you just have to try to believe. Sometimes it takes someone else believing in you to help you see it. So if you need a friend I'm here. Anyway Keep trying and keep believing it'll come.