Caring what other people think....

[neo651]

A while back I posted about being shallow. The woman I love is overweight and that causes issues for me. Proud to report that I learned I simply had too narrow of a definition of "sexy" and that I do find her sexually attractive. But as is common, you solve one problem only to discover another one was hiding behind it.

I find that I'm embarrassed if people find out I'm dating her. I feel that people will look at her and judge her, and then judge me for being with her. It angers me that they judge her and it hurts that they judge me. I know not everybody is like this, but some people are. And I know that people like that shouldn't command any attention from me. But they do. I care what everybody thinks of me. I know this is a flaw, but I can't help it, I don't know how to not care what people think of me. Furthermore, some of the people who's opinions I'm worried about are of my own family. I know my family very well, I know exactly how they'd feel. I also know they would never say anything out of just plain decency, but I've seen their opinions of other people doing the same and so I know how they'd feel about me without them having to tell me.

Anyway, this has been an issue for some time and I've made great progress in dealing with the fear of people judging me, insofar as I think I'm able to confront and overcome the fear. But I've made virtually no progress in dealing with the actual emotion. Even if I can be brave, it doesn't mean I don't feel the emotion that I fear, it just means I act in the face of it. So my question is, how do I stop caring what other people think of me, even if it's family?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Honestly, I don't think people give that much of a crap to begin with. I mean, even if I see an interracial couple together, I think, "black dude white girl," then that's the end of it and on with my day, lol.

Not sure how you go about stop caring what other people think if it is in your nature to be caring and considerate of others thoughts. It may help to step back and realize, that although you may have an uncanny ability for perceiving others thoughts, you really don't know what they are thinking.

So, I don't know. Get to that place where even if you can tell some one is kind of staring rudely, you can think to yourself, "guy don't know what the fresia he's missing." And laugh it off?

I suppose the most important place to start, however, is to not be bad on yourself for the way you are. Underneath the mask we all wear to present some sort of stability, we are all a huge quaking mess underneath, full of irrational fears, impossible dreams, insatiable desires, etc, etc...

Just accept that it is your nature to be concerned of the views and opinions of others. Accept that you are or were and to some degree, like most of us, are shallow. And accept that you are in love with this girl. Those three natures will eventually find a nice equilibrium, if you can give it enough time without beating yourself up over it.

So I guess that's my best advice. Don't try to change, just accept and move on. If you don't accept and keep digging into your brain trying to figure out, "why you aren't the way you should be." You just make it harder on yourself. Allow the change to happen on itself. And in the mean time, just be aware that, "This is how I am and if I can't change right now, that's okay, I know what I want and the change can find me when it's ready."

And if you can do that, you'll see, things will change.

Good luck.

 

[kamya]

A decent number of people do give a crap. Not the majority, but a good enough percentage. From someone who's been in those kinds of relationships (interracial not skinny/fat) I can say that you do get weird looks and stares/ backhanded comments from people. It's best to just laugh it off. There's no point in feeling bad about it. Give them the same treatment for being so ignorant to judge.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Don't look outward so much, you can tie yourself up in knots over that sort of stuff and it will be 99% just in your mind anyway. Do you know what I notice about various couples when I walk down the street? Nothing.. I'm in my own little bubble worrying about whether I switched the gas off or whether my boy needs his gym kit for school.

The fact you like her as she is and you've realised that about yourself is a good thing, be proud of that and proud of the fact you've met someone who makes you happy and proud of her. Just look inward and concentrate on your world together and trust me the rest of the world wont care to notice, and even if they did they will probably just think, 'they look happy together, good luck to them'.

Overtime the worry you have will pass.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That's kind of sad that anyone is embarrassed to love someone.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Poeple's hATered for me runs very deep.
I'm precieved to be very very shallowed.....

The threats/pressures of being disinfranchised and/or disowned was never easy for those that would love me.

Unconditional love is a rememberance not something to be learned.
I long for home. To returned and to be in the light.
There we can be who we truely are.

So Kimi and Kelsie tells me they love me very much...
"not yet daddy....Please, not yet".
The world would judge, shame and condemn my beautiful angels for being who they are just the same.
The countless days and nights my girls would cry thier heart out is more pains than i can ever bare.
When it gets like this....Somewhere along the line I just dont give a fresia what the world thinks or do anymore.

I can raise above it all oneway or the other....
Nothing real can never be threathen.
Fear is an illusion....Fualts Evidence Appearing Real.

So you fear REJECTIONS from your family and friends.
Your sense of belonging is being threathen. GUILT is trained emotional reponse.
At the sametime...mmmmmm,
I have this REPUTATIONS of a being a heartless, sexist, nasty, womenizing prick badboy, I MUST LIVE UP TO.lol

 

[Peter Lorre]

Short answer: there's no way to stop caring about what people close to you think (unless you stop caring about them altogether). So you have to have faith in them learning the same lessons that you did, and for them to change their ways. It seems to me that you're sure that your family members won't ever learn to approve of her, but you never know. They might surprise you.

You shouldn't care about what strangers think though, as there will always be someone who'll disapprove and who won't be willing to learn. You can't win here.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I get where you are coming from, been in a similar situation myself. It's really hard not to notice the stares and whispers from other people. Not that you should care what strangers think but when you do it is really hard to switch that off. Family is even more difficult, especially if you have stubborn people that just don't understand or care about you being happy. I don't know why approval has to mean so much but it does.

 

[Hoffy]

You really shouldn't care what people think of you as long as you are happy. Also if you are embarrassed by her she is going to pick up on this and it's going to hurt her. What is more important, being with someone who makes you happy or caring what everyone else thinks even though it doesn't matter cause it's your life not theirs? If you really do care for her you would accept all her flaws and not worry about what anyone else thinks.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

For me it was odd but really in your face stuff.
The paradox and the irony of it all.....

My ex-wf asked me out after tons of guys hitted up on her.
I watched them do it everyday for months. Even my friends hitted on her
and talked about her all the time. I figured she had a BF
cuase so many guys were hitting on her. She could of had any guy she wanted.

I didnt even have a car. I wasnt even settled in and was still a bit lost.
I also stood out like a door knob and felt really out of place.
I'm a lead guitarist and I join the usaf.
I had to cutted my hair stupid short..That within itself made me felt like i wasnt
myself, amoungs other things that happened in my life.

So why would a hot fine young chick would want to have anything to do with me???
Especailly if there was tons of other men offering her the world......

On top of that...i got stationed in Albilene TX. Im Asian of course.
25 years ago..biggotry was really alive and well.
Interacial couples are like the minority and wasnt well accepted.
Yes...people would stair at us...and look at my ex-wf with a disgusting look
of hate...

What she did was went against the grain of everything.
Asking me out was one of them.
Her family and friends never really liked me nor accepted me.
On top of that...striaght up her parents told me they're biggots
the daY I asked thier dughter for love and marriage.

Striaght up..like that.
Michelle held my hands at the dinner table. Yes, we were both scared
and afriad becuase we were still young. I had to be a man and faced
whatever fears that was bearing down on me.....

Michelle has a lot of guts and is a very strong woman.
I certainly couldnt be any less of a man.
She showed up to life as a WOMAN. She knows what she wants.
Talk is cheap to her....You're either going to stand up and do something or you're not.
You either love someone or you don't....

Michelle did more than her part because she loves me.
Nothing was going to stop her..Not her parents, not her friends, not society, not even me.
Somewhere along the line she didnt give a fresia what anyone thought about her or us.
How can I not love or fall in love with a women that was willing to fight for our love
and do whatever it takes becuase she believe in something and knows truth. I know what love is....


Somewhere in there...I stopped worrying what people thought and did too.
I had to do whatever the fresia I had to do. Get over whatever the fresia issues I had to get over to marry that woman.
Take whatever necessary actions and steps to be with her. I can only think and talk so much about it....
At some piont i must set my sails and get on the ride....Be a man.

I was barely 19. In the military. Trained for combat.To kill or be killed.
I wAS old enough to die for a cuase. To laid down my life for god and country if need be.
Im centainly man enough to live and fight for the ones that loves me.

On the flip side of the coin...Ive also gotten myself involved with women I didnt loved.
Yeah...that learning to love someone just didnt feel right for me.
And it wasnt like I was just using these women for whatever...Nothing like that.
I moved in and lived with them. We lived like any normal couple.
It donst have to do with thier looks. These were drop dead gorgouse women.
And it didnt have anything to do with thier personalities...they were very very nice to me.
aND it wasnt becuase of lack of sex...these women had sex with me everyday.
I had to get really honest with myself and honest with them.
Me staying with them any longer would be like I was leading them on and draging thier emotions through
the mud. They got very angery at me of course and it hurted them...But if i stayed and lied to them...It would
hurt them even more.

I can be or could have been with these women and pretty much have my own way...
Show them off to my friends and family as a trophy becuase they were very beautiful and loving to me.
But i would be lying to myself.....

So a lot of people would judge me for that...looking from the outside and not getting the full picture.
I had to wieght everything out for myself. Make my own desicions...no matter what other people thinks.
Some of my friends gave me a lot of backlash for it...becuase we were mutual friends.

I know i made the right chioce for me and them...becuase I saw some of these women with other men
after I broke up with them. They look much happier becuase they found someone that could love them
becuase I couldn't.