42, male. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life and although I know it won't magically be solved by posting on this forum, I thought it wouldn't hurt to maybe get some more opinions and views.
I'll get straight to the core of it. My problem might seem funny to some, and most people I talked about it with just don't understand how is that a problem because that is supposed to "come naturally". But for me it just doesn't and it's a huge problem. In a social situation, I just don't know how to go from talking to something more, by that i mean something towards a relationship (same problem for friendships). In other words I don't know how to "escalate" the situation if you know what I mean. I'm terrible at reading "signals", I'm never sure if something I want to say or do is appropriate. Straight up asking or telling how I feel also didn't work in the past. I have no problem talking to people, as long as the conversation is actually about something. I also do a ton of interaction at work, I don't have any problem or anxiety in situations like asking for directions, going to stores or other services, if I need to get something done, etc. No problem at all with that. I do struggle with small talk though. I just don't know what to say. I've come around that by "learning" some common small talk situations, like some sort of a script. But it's totally fake and I despise it. I have a problem with "unofficial" conversation. Because every "official" conversation (like for example talking to a customer, at a counter, etc.) involves a degree of "unofficial" conversation (like some joking, etc). This is the part I really struggle with. Unfortunately for me it's that unofficial side of interactions that deeper relationships develop from.
I tried online dating. I went on a couple of dates. I had the same problem, I didn't know how to proceed / respond, so basically nothing happened and we said goodbye at the end. I felt stupid and embarrassed.
I am an introvert, probably on the more extreme end of the spectrum. By that I mean that most of the time I genuinely enjoy being by myself, doing things by myself, going places by myself, etc. I do have hobbies, I go to places, concerts, hikes, on vacation etc. I'm not closed up somewhere avoiding people. But at the same time I do long for that connection with someone.
I do have other aspects of my life in order. I have a degree, I have my own successful IT business and I'm really proud of this aspect of me. I worked hard for it, but it paid off. I also feel very confident about my professional competences. I exercise regularly, I am reasonably in shape, 190 cm (6'3") tall, reasonably attractive. General belief is that everything else should just follow naturally, right? Well somehow just not for me.
What's been occupying my mind for some time now is the fact that the whole aspect of life that gives the sole purpose in life to most people is absent from me. Therefore I don't really know what to make of or expect from my personal life.
I've been to counseling before, and it was determined that I don't have social anxiety. The advice was to practice social interaction, expose myself to meeting more people and to open up to people more. I've been going to places where there are people but it's hard to chat someone up randomly.
One comment I received in the past is that I'm too serious. Noted that and I'm trying to be more relaxed around people. Not sure it's helping though.
On one hand, I can accept to stay alone and I'm quite content with that. On the other hand, I would also like to try being in a relationship and experience that aspect of life. Also there is general consensus (both in the scientific community and in general population) that such lack of experience at my age is a pretty big deal.
So, the question is, should I do something more about it? Or just accept it? These thoughts are keeping me awake at night from time to time...
I'll get straight to the core of it. My problem might seem funny to some, and most people I talked about it with just don't understand how is that a problem because that is supposed to "come naturally". But for me it just doesn't and it's a huge problem. In a social situation, I just don't know how to go from talking to something more, by that i mean something towards a relationship (same problem for friendships). In other words I don't know how to "escalate" the situation if you know what I mean. I'm terrible at reading "signals", I'm never sure if something I want to say or do is appropriate. Straight up asking or telling how I feel also didn't work in the past. I have no problem talking to people, as long as the conversation is actually about something. I also do a ton of interaction at work, I don't have any problem or anxiety in situations like asking for directions, going to stores or other services, if I need to get something done, etc. No problem at all with that. I do struggle with small talk though. I just don't know what to say. I've come around that by "learning" some common small talk situations, like some sort of a script. But it's totally fake and I despise it. I have a problem with "unofficial" conversation. Because every "official" conversation (like for example talking to a customer, at a counter, etc.) involves a degree of "unofficial" conversation (like some joking, etc). This is the part I really struggle with. Unfortunately for me it's that unofficial side of interactions that deeper relationships develop from.
I tried online dating. I went on a couple of dates. I had the same problem, I didn't know how to proceed / respond, so basically nothing happened and we said goodbye at the end. I felt stupid and embarrassed.
I am an introvert, probably on the more extreme end of the spectrum. By that I mean that most of the time I genuinely enjoy being by myself, doing things by myself, going places by myself, etc. I do have hobbies, I go to places, concerts, hikes, on vacation etc. I'm not closed up somewhere avoiding people. But at the same time I do long for that connection with someone.
I do have other aspects of my life in order. I have a degree, I have my own successful IT business and I'm really proud of this aspect of me. I worked hard for it, but it paid off. I also feel very confident about my professional competences. I exercise regularly, I am reasonably in shape, 190 cm (6'3") tall, reasonably attractive. General belief is that everything else should just follow naturally, right? Well somehow just not for me.
What's been occupying my mind for some time now is the fact that the whole aspect of life that gives the sole purpose in life to most people is absent from me. Therefore I don't really know what to make of or expect from my personal life.
I've been to counseling before, and it was determined that I don't have social anxiety. The advice was to practice social interaction, expose myself to meeting more people and to open up to people more. I've been going to places where there are people but it's hard to chat someone up randomly.
One comment I received in the past is that I'm too serious. Noted that and I'm trying to be more relaxed around people. Not sure it's helping though.
On one hand, I can accept to stay alone and I'm quite content with that. On the other hand, I would also like to try being in a relationship and experience that aspect of life. Also there is general consensus (both in the scientific community and in general population) that such lack of experience at my age is a pretty big deal.
So, the question is, should I do something more about it? Or just accept it? These thoughts are keeping me awake at night from time to time...