Clarification

[simplesimonette]

I realize that everyone's idea of loneliness is different.
Take me for instance - I've been married for 12 years to my best friend and I have 3 children. Still, I feel socially isolated and my ventures into the world aren't successful. I'm to the point where I feel like I have to go to a dentist appointment every time I make an attempt to be social.
I guess, for me, I'm more socially lonely. I want friends (plural) to share experiences I enjoy. Maybe I've seen too many Budweiser commercials or something ...
Some posts I read on here, there are some with close friends and family but no significant other. Others without anyone. And those with what they feel are only superficial relationships.
So why are you lonely?

 

[painter's radio]

I think I always will be, despite how many people I have in my life, regardless of how many of those people I really relate to. I could have one amazing wife, a hundred wives, unlimited close friends who are always nearby, who I can talk to about anything. But I believe I will always feel lonely. It's as if there is a method to it that no human knows. An extra action that we're all unaware of. Something which cannot be cured with conversation, laughter, touch, smell, sight, sound, attraction... anything like that. Something almost... extraterrestrial, in a make-believe world where the laws of nature and chemistry don't apply.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I'm lonely because I really do live an isolated lifestyle. I live alone. Without background noise such as the TV, some music or my computer to distract me the quietness almost haunts me when I'm home. I feel sad every day, sad on the bus coming home from work and sad at home. The end of the day always seems to be the worst. Still I prefer to live alone because it allows me to stay in control of my living space. So it would not be the answer to get a roommate. I would not want that at all. What I need is to connect with others. I would like to find someone special too but I can take my time with that. I wouldn't want to get into a serious relationship with just anyone. I'm keeping my freedom until the right one comes along. Friends are more important to me. I really enjoyed my Christmas vacation because I was visiting my family up in Northern California. My Mom, brother, sister, 4 month old niece and uncle all live up there. I was not lonely for one week. But back here in San Diego it's me in my empty apartment with just 2 cats for company. I do have my Dad and Stepmom in San Diego but they are my only family here. And the rest of my family, aunts and cousins, well, they live in Germany. I'm also lonely because I have a strong desire for physical affection and 99% of the time I don't get any, not from any human beings, just my cats. One reason why it is appealing to me to start dating again. But at the same time I'm afraid of it. I wasn't always alone. About a year and 4 months ago I was in a long term relationship but things became so unbalanced over the last few years he and I were living together that I broke up with him. I wanted to be single. I got my wish. I made the right decision. But every decision has its rewards and consequences. Thank goodness this forum is anonymous.

 

[Barbaloot]

I'm also socially isolated. I moved to this country over two years ago to be with my husband and I still don't know a soul here. My husband is usually away for work a lot so I'm just alone. I haven't been able to get a job yet, either, so I have far too much idle time on my hands, and my lack of comfort with the language and geographic isolation means I don't really have many opportunities in the first place. Instead I just have too many cats and a dog to keep me company.

 

[Sigma]

I grew up as a shy kid and since I'm not a girl I can't play the cute card, so I got assigned the role of social outcast in primary/secondary school, pretty much everyone except my handful of friends was a dick to me.
So after a while I decided to just stop caring. Whenever someone tried to be mean or insulting I'd just vacantly nod in their direction and carry on with what I was doing. After that people just started ignoring me as well, however I got into the mindset that everyone was out to get me and always assumed that whenever someone seemed to be nice they were just going to end up backstabbing me later, so I ended up pushing everyone away, mean and friendly people alike.
I switched schools 3 times during those days (not because of bullying or anything like that though) and it went the same every time.
So yeah, I guess the bottom line for me is I have trust issues and push everyone away.

 

[Tiina63]

I am emotionally lonely in that I have friends but no partner or family.
Barbaloot-could you find a language course at a college so that you would improve your language skills and also meet other learners?

 

[Will8285]

I have problems connecting I guess. I feel like people will hate me because of what of I have, and honestly if the situation were reversed I would probably hate myself too. I'm not a bad person, but I'm torn between 2 worlds. Living in both I feel like I have to hide who I actually am. When people do actually meet the real me, sometimes I'm met with very harsh criticism. In one situation the person just flat out stopped talking to me. It's rare to find a person who doesn't really care.

 

[Barbaloot]

Barbaloot-could you find a language course at a college so that you would improve your language skills and also meet other learners?

Unfortunately no. I have already fulfilled the language requirements they have for adult immigrants here and they don't offer any levels higher than what I've already completed anywhere near me. I don't have any other options when it comes to that. There aren't any colleges near me to study anything else, either.

 

[Hero]

I grew up as a shy kid and since I'm not a girl I can't play the cute card, so I got assigned the role of social outcast in primary/secondary school, pretty much everyone except my handful of friends was a dick to me.
So after a while I decided to just stop caring. Whenever someone tried to be mean or insulting I'd just vacantly nod in their direction and carry on with what I was doing. After that people just started ignoring me as well, however I got into the mindset that everyone was out to get me and always assumed that whenever someone seemed to be nice they were just going to end up backstabbing me later, so I ended up pushing everyone away, mean and friendly people alike.
I switched schools 3 times during those days (not because of bullying or anything like that though) and it went the same every time.
So yeah, I guess the bottom line for me is I have trust issues and push everyone away.

I can actually relate to that I think more than anyone, also I moved school and house constantly not because of bullying but because my mum couldn't keep a relationship and I guess I got left with the same trust issues.

 

[R2349]

Since you asked.. I always only had one close friend, two tops, in school, and these people were always the ones who came up to me and initiated the friendship. So I have absolutely no idea how to bridge small talk with friendship-- I don't know how to make friends. And now, whenever I make up my mind to make the effort to talk to anyone, I constantly doubt whether or not it's worth the energy, and end up backing out at the last second.

 

[Peaches]

on one hand, I guess I will always miss the family that I never had, even if since many years I am pretty much at peace with that, but yeah, just a partner probably won't be enough for me, I need friends and extended family - on the other hand, I always had bad health, so friendships would get interrupted early the beginning, and I could maintain them only with those who liked phone calls and didn't mind me disappearing for a week from time to time. Then for a long period health got much worse and "normal" relationships became almost impossible, and now I seem to be getting almost healthy (fingers crossed) but I seem to have forgotten how to connect with people at a deeper level, I hope that can be fixed. Can't wait to find a bigger house that I can share with other people, I always did that when I didn't have a boyfriend and that helped a bit, although I did meet my share of really eccentric people that way. Living alone is really heavy for me, it has been almost two years now, and I am afraid to get really depressed.

 

[el Jay]

I think it's because I apparently walk some line between "lonely introvert" and "cheerful extrovert." I'm both at once. At heart, I'm definitely an introvert, and I absolutely need quiet time to myself to recharge after being social. At the same time, when I am out in public with people, I come off as some cheerful, humorous social person who gets along with everyone. My introversion keeps me from entering social situations often, but when I'm there you'd never know unless I told you (and then you probably wouldn't believe me).

So to the other extroverts, the people good at being social (most people, apparently), I'm one of them, but I don't and can't identify with them, because my past and introversion is too much a part of who I am, which they never find out about. But to other introverts, people who just want to relax and enjoy a quiet life or keep to themselves or whatever their particular brand of "not being a very social person" is, I'm too open and social and everything. So I would imagine they would see me as one of "them," and not someone who can really understand what it's like to feel alone.

The problem is, both ARE who I am. It's not like the extroverted me is some mask I put on. It's how I genuinely am when I'm around nice people and having a good time. But the second I head home, or am alone, bam, introversion time. It leaves me terribly lonely because I never do find other people like me. People who don't want to go out to loud clubs or ear-piercing concerts and mingle with people all night, but prefer a quiet(er) night in, maybe watch a movie or some tv, a quiet cheap take-out dinner, and just generally enjoy ourselves, with ourselves. People like that have to exist. I can't be the only one.

 

[LostInTheSupermarket]

I'm married, too, but besides my husband I'm alone because... well hell. We moved here because of my husband's job. I don't see him a lot because of his schedule although that's improving so it helps. I haven't been able to connect with people here, unless I want to be phony and basically pretend to be someone else. And put up with shitty behavior. (I tried and it's a soul killer). PTSD from childhood trauma can cause me to suddenly become distraught/depressed and want to isolate. Low esteem lately due to my appearance causes me to not want to go out much. I no longer have a career and am judged for that and considered less-than, which is lonely. Both our dogs passed away in 2011, my constant companions. I am the joke of my husband's family - it's lonely to be part of a family who rejects you, when they don't even know who you are because they never wanted to try. My sister is back to her controlling crap and it's lonely without her. I have now had ethical problems with three (that's 3) doctors in the past twelve or so months. Needing medical care and having that trust betrayed multiple times? Lonely.
You know when you go to a movie and you're the only one in the audience who laughs at a certain scene and everyone turns and glares at you? Yeah. That's how I feel every time I step out the door. Man, that's lonely.

 

[isthatso]

I grew up as a shy kid and since I'm not a girl I can't play the cute card, so I got assigned the role of social outcast in primary/secondary school, pretty much everyone except my handful of friends was a dick to me.
So after a while I decided to just stop caring. Whenever someone tried to be mean or insulting I'd just vacantly nod in their direction and carry on with what I was doing. After that people just started ignoring me as well, however I got into the mindset that everyone was out to get me and always assumed that whenever someone seemed to be nice they were just going to end up backstabbing me later, so I ended up pushing everyone away, mean and friendly people alike.
I switched schools 3 times during those days (not because of bullying or anything like that though) and it went the same every time.
So yeah, I guess the bottom line for me is I have trust issues and push everyone away.

Sad to read that post. Hope you get sorted out one day.

Why am I lonely?
Good question. Lost contact with all my friends. Don't seem to connect with people very well. maybe I'm hard to please. Is there anyone in this world that fully understands you? The answer is "no". Nor should I expect that even from my partner.
Decided to work on myself, body and soul. Read, meditate, work out swim. Lose some kilos and hopefully all those toxic thoughts and feelings about myself and other people. Can i finally redeem myself? be transformed. Reborn?
Keep you posted but it's not going to happen overnight.
Guess we're all spiritually lonely to some extent.

 

[bodafuko]

You don't want to hear my story. It will just depress you. Conversely, it might make you feel better because it sucks so bad. Either way, I'm sick of my own story so I don't want to share it.

My advice is to find some social circles on the Internet that have similar interests as you. You should not need to feel all 'official' about meeting up with people. Those sort of people that would give you that sensation are the anally retentive type. Best avoided. Find some down-to-earth folk.

 

[isthatso]

You don't want to hear my story. It will just depress you. Conversely, it might make you feel better because it sucks so bad. Either way, I'm sick of my own story so I don't want to share it.

My advice is to find some social circles on the Internet that have similar interests as you. You should not need to feel all 'official' about meeting up with people. Those sort of people that would give you that sensation are the anally retentive type. Best avoided. Find some down-to-earth folk.

I have been described as that. But it was only once. And the person who said it was outspoken, rude and had no eye for detail.