Classic Woes: In love with best friend's fiance

[neo651]

One day my best friend met a girl and started dating her. Some time later he brought her around and I met her. Four years later they got engaged, I told her how I felt about her and she assured me there could be no future for me and her, and then I moved to the other side of the country to get away from her.

He's my best friend and she too was quickly becoming a best friend. I was falling deeper in love with her everyday and I felt it was only a matter of time before I did something I'd regret. I could not control myself when it came to limiting the time I spend with her and it was making it impossible to move on and meet other women.

3000 miles and 6 months later I've learned that time and distance do not necessarily heal anything. Every girl I meet gets sized up against her and, of course, cannot compare. Though I strongly feel that an objective side of me truly believes the girls in California are not as good as the girls on the east coast. Everyone told me about how much hotter the west coast women are and you know what....they are. So. *******. What.

I can't STAND them. Every girl I've met since I got here is a vapid, intellectually paper thin, insecure carbon copy of the last one to the point where I don't want to interact with them anymore. I'm so thoroughly jaded by the women here that I can't even work up the motivation to try and meet anymore of them.

The girl I fell in love with was this wonderfully free spirited, strong, intelligent, opinionated woman who'd tell poop jokes while discussing victorian literature; who could care less about how "fancy" her clothing was, never wore makeup and never spread petty gossip about someone else.

I don't know if I'm really looking for advice or maybe I just needed to get all of that out. I know what you're all going to say, go to more parties, go to bar and clubs, have a friend set you up, try online dating. And I appreciate the help anyone is willing to give but I'm just not interested in doing any of those things. I've already poor luck with all of them and even if I hadn't I still can't get over the girl I love enough to give anyone else a fair chance. Sad, since one of the supposed solutions to unrequited love is other women.

So, advice or not advice or nothing at all. Though if you've made it this far into my rant I imagine you've got something to say to me. Have at it. Thank you for reading.

 

[I'm Fine]

I'm sorry you feel like that. To love someone that doesn't love you back is hard but at least you've told her and she's told you the truth. It's out and you're not left wondering 'IF'. Now you need to move on - but as you've discovered that's easier said than done.

I don't think that throwing yourself into social situations is necessarily the answer. You need to give yourself time to grieve the love you have for her. Allow yourself to be sad, to mourn the relationship that never was (but you probably dreamt about). I don't think there's any point in trying to find someone else until you're at that point where you ARE ready to give them a chance.

If you really love her, that'll take time. You can't switch love off like a switch anymore than you can summon it up on command. It comes and it goes at will. So basically...give yourself time. Good luck and Take care.

 

[VanillaCreme]

How could you base every other woman on one who doesn't want you? Personally, I think telling her was a mistake, simply because he's your best friend. But now that you know that she's not interested at all, I'd try concentrating on the fact that she didn't want anything to do with, and move on. Because it just doesn't make sense anyone could ever size up to someone who didn't want me.

 

[jales]

I agree with I'm Fine, it is good that you told her. You no longer have to wonder what if.

And yea you are looking for someone who has more than looks, and that may be hard to fine, but I do not think it is impossible. As long as you let people into your life you will fine other girls who are just as intellectual as the girl you are currently in love with.

I hope you fine your true love. Although this girl's character may have been great just remember that the love you have for someone must equal the love they have for you. Expect from a woman as much as what you are willing to give her. This girl was not your true love, since she does not love you as much as you love her.

Good luck finding your true love.

 

[nerdygirl]

Hnh. I remember when X's best friend told me he was in love with me. I told him that even if I wasn't with his best friend, there was just no way I'd be with him. He started calling me, "Sis" and tried dating. Each girl he met couldn't compare. I could see all of the reasons it wouldn't work out between us- things he was blind to. He was looking at me through those "rose tinted glasses".

It's going to be hard to find somebody new when you're not over her. I do not recommend the clubs and parties. I recommend some time to yourself, during which you should really try to look at her objectively. People generally daydream about the romantic stuff, rather than the arguments. You remember the good stuff because you didn't have to experience the bad. The notion has become idealized.

Everybody has flaws. Find hers. Play out scenes in your head of the ways her flaws might have made you unhappy. Things that would have required compromise. Things that would have led to stupid arguments. These things exist. She saw them, or she would have left him to be with you.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

Honestly, I don't know why you would have moved to California to meet women like what you're looking for. Maybe you were hoping to move to California in the 60's but wake up an smell the coffee dude. Even in the 70's and 80's California was filled with plastic people, and even the hippies in the 60's were plastic sometimes. People just want to do whatever they can to be accepted and liked in places that are all about beauty and popularity, and that is Cali. You're probably going to all the wrong places. Try to find more underground clubs or bars where the entertainment isn't as mainstream, that's where you'll meet the people who are more intellectual and interesting, I hope.... Good luck.

 

[neo651]

I didn't move to California for the women. I moved to get away from the girl and I moved to California because I got a fantastic job here.

 

[Why_Me]

Dude, you have some serious cojones.
To find THE one, to talk to her about it and take the high road like you did is admirable. You could have taken the easy way out and do like others, think about yourself and yourself only. Convincing yourself that they wouldn't have lasted so you could justify stabing your friend in the back.
Extracting yourself from the situation shows that not only you are a good friend but there will be a good woman around you someday.

I cannot guarantee you will find "her" anywhere, but someday good things must happen to good people. I wish you find a woman that although different might spark that feeling within you again.

To feel what you felt was not sinful, to do what you did was respectable.

 

[Happy_Aspie]

One day my best friend met a girl and started dating her. Some time later he brought her around and I met her. Four years later they got engaged, I told her how I felt about her and she assured me there could be no future for me and her, and then I moved to the other side of the country to get away from her.

I personally don't think location has anything to do with getting over her or finding a girlfriend you are satisifed with. You would have realised that now of course but later in this post you made the assertion that the cali girls seemed flaky and superficial.Sometimes you find the one you love in the most unlikely of places. How come when you were in the east coast you didn't find a down to earth intellectual then? You fixated on her then and limited yourself. By fixating on this woman you are limiting your options mentally. You should position yourself in a different environment in your spare time. Not clubs. If you want an intellectual woman you go to intellectual places and associations.

He's my best friend and she too was quickly becoming a best friend. I was falling deeper in love with her everyday and I felt it was only a matter of time before I did something I'd regret. I could not control myself when it came to limiting the time I spend with her and it was making it impossible to move on and meet other women.

Since he is your best friend and she was always around no wonder its so hard.

3000 miles and 6 months later I've learned that time and distance do not necessarily heal anything. Every girl I meet gets sized up against her and, of course, cannot compare. Though I strongly feel that an objective side of me truly believes the girls in California are not as good as the girls on the east coast. Everyone told me about how much hotter the west coast women are and you know what....they are. So. *******. What.

They will never compare...no two people are exactly alike. I'm sure california has down to earth types. Maybe being in california is exactly what you need but you are not approaching it well. It seems like you are putting pressure on yourself to get a new girl to 'replace' her and so the feelings will go away. That can't work. You have to dig real deep within yourself and find out why you are so fixated on this woman. I'm not just talking about what qualities she has but what is it that you think your life is lacking that her presence can complete. I'm thinking that this experience will help you find out more about yourself. Take it easy.

I can't STAND them. Every girl I've met since I got here is a vapid, intellectually paper thin, insecure carbon copy of the last one to the point where I don't want to interact with them anymore. I'm so thoroughly jaded by the women here that I can't even work up the motivation to try and meet anymore of them.

She was a rare type of girl. So naturally its not going to be easy to find a woman like her. Maybe not meeting new women is a good idea for now.

The girl I fell in love with was this wonderfully free spirited, strong, intelligent, opinionated woman who'd tell poop jokes while discussing victorian literature; who could care less about how "fancy" her clothing was, never wore makeup and never spread petty gossip about someone else.

Kinda sounds something like me ...except for the victorian literature part and I can safely assume she didn't seem to get along much with other women. I dont think that type you would find in clubs or popular places often or place where most women would love to hang out. More the type you just 'bump into' at the grocery,park etc.

I don't know if I'm really looking for advice or maybe I just needed to get all of that out. I know what you're all going to say, go to more parties, go to bar and clubs, have a friend set you up, try online dating. And I appreciate the help anyone is willing to give but I'm just not interested in doing any of those things. I've already poor luck with all of them and even if I hadn't I still can't get over the girl I love enough to give anyone else a fair chance. Sad, since one of the supposed solutions to unrequited love is other women.

Dont beat up on yourself. You knew this girl for 4 years so its kind of hard to get over it in 6 months. The solution to unrequited love is not other women. Just ask yourself some serious questions on why you are hooked on this girl.

 

[Limlim]

By any chance is NerdyGirl the one that is engaged to your best friend?

 

[neo651]

Even if by some crazy coincidence she happened to be a member of this forum and found this thread it's not her. Though my girl IS magically delicious.

 

[nerdygirl]

Newp, nerdygirl is just somebody who has been in that girl's position.