Clingy man after a first date

[Aube]

Hello, I'm new but I need some advice about a date. Here is the situation: I put up an online profile and got a message from a man who sounded nice but not exactly ''my type''. I responded anyway and we had a phone conversation and a date. It was nice enough but I wasn't bowled over.

Now, one thing I didn't like is that he ''improved'' his profile info, adding a few inches to his real height, using two different real names in person and removing 5 years to his age as well as being contradictory on another question. When I asked him about two of these, he kind of brushed it off as unimportant (not so to me).

At the end of the date, he said he wanted to see me again and hopefully, that we would hang out over time, over a long period of time. He invited me to his place for a next date and said we should be at ease with each other within 2 weeks (which I assumed meant he wanted to be sexual quickly rather than not or very much involved with each other within 14 days). He also suggested that he could eventually come to see my parents.

The next day (yesterday), he sent me an email saying he could not stop thinking about me, that he was starting to fall in love, he called me a sweet name and suggested cuddling soon.

I was and am freaked out. I was almost ready to go on another date, to know him more but, because of this and because of the ''little lies'' on his profile, I don't want to see him again. It's too involved, too soon and I don't share his feelings. I want to tell him we're not on the same page and that I'm not going to meet him again. But I get the feeling that I have to choose my words carefully, otherwise, he might possibly be insistant, email me long love letters, or something like that. I am feeling urgent about him going away and am afraid he will stick around.

What do you think I should write him?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Well, there could be a couple of reasons for his update. I don't know about the site you are on but sometimes there is a default if the person doesn't fill it in. Maybe he decided to update the information to correct it. You could just mention you noticed the updates on his profile, let him fill in the blanks as to what you are referring to. Give him a chance to be honest about it, if he has nothing to hide he should know what you are talking about. If he doesn't you could just ask him, there's no harm in that.

 

[Aube]

It wasn't default information, it really was him putting in off-the-mark numbers and then, giving two different answers to one simple question (''yes, I smoke pot regularly'' and ''no, I never do drugs'').

At first, I was thinking of giving him the benefit of the doubt on these questions (maybe unwisely) but, it's really the clinginess that bothers me.

Well, there could be a couple of reasons for his update. I don't know about the site you are on but sometimes there is a default if the person doesn't fill it in. Maybe he decided to update the information to correct it. You could just mention you noticed the updates on his profile, let him fill in the blanks as to what you are referring to. Give him a chance to be honest about it, if he has nothing to hide he should know what you are talking about. If he doesn't you could just ask him, there's no harm in that.

 

[Kat]

Maybe the best thing is to play the game the same way he does. Lie. Convince him it's his idea to stop contacting you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Mmmmm...clingy lonely men, that's
not going to take rejection too well.
In his lonely mind, if you see other
Men becuase he gives you the creeps,
Ur a slut.

---

Cut him off....
Use alternative e mails.
Have extra cell number or phone.

Tools u need when dating.
Its like a box of chocolate...
Protect yourself.

 

[nerdygirl]

Fibs about height and age are ridiculously common in dating profiles. What usually happens is the person is like, "Well, I'm 42, which is close to 40. I'm sure that a guy who would date a 40 year old woman will also date a 42 year old woman... but I won't show up in his search result, because I'm a measly 2 years over. I'll edit my info here and clear it up later." Same thing with height. "Girls always say they want a guy who is at least 6' tall. Well, I'm 5'10". That's pretty close. Once we meet, I'm sure a girl won't really care that I'm two inches shorter. She might not even notice!" They're not setting out with the intention of deceit. Five years is a lot to exaggerate about, though.

The use of TWO names is pretty bizarre. I go by pseudonyms online, but by the time I'm on the phone with somebody, I've given them my real name. Also... one phone call and one date wouldn't make me feel like we were ready to cuddle, meet parents, or use pet names. Maybe the next time he calls you, you should bark like a dog when you answer the phone. Or you could go out with him and spend the entire time "chatting with" your "imaginary friend". That sounds like fun, now that I think of it.

"Don't sit there! You'll squish her!" Turn to empty chair. "Oh my gosh, are you okay? I know, right? Here I brought you along so we could all get to know each other, and he totally ignores you."

 

[blackdot]

I'm no where near that bad but I can understand the guy getting that way. He may never have women talking to him so the fact you spoke to him and then even went out with him has got him instantly locked onto you.
I know the feeling. I always take things out of context. If a female speaks to me, I immediately think she is interested in me. That's how uncommon it is for women to speak to me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL Nerdygirl, imaginary friend. You make some good points too about the height and age thing. I've never used dating sites so never thought of that.

Aube, there is something wacky going on, just keep your guard up and watch for other things. Something like going from "I smoke pot" to "Don't do drugs" is a flag. Could be he was being more honest originally but realized it attracted people he may not have wanted, or he realized he shouldn't be so forward with such information.

 

[Anten]

Some people(pot heads) don't consider marijuana a drug.

The guy either is really desperate for affection or is looking for a quick hit.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Probably both from what some people have said about dating sites. My boss's oldest son does that. By hit you mean sex right?

 

[Anten]

Yeah, by "hit" I mean sex.

I would just tell the guy that is.is coming on way to strong.

 

[Aube]

Maybe the next time he calls you, you should bark like a dog when you answer the phone. Or you could go out with him and spend the entire time "chatting with" your "imaginary friend". That sounds like fun, now that I think of it.

"Don't sit there! You'll squish her!" Turn to empty chair. "Oh my gosh, are you okay? I know, right? Here I brought you along so we could all get to know each other, and he totally ignores you."

That could be fun and I'm game but, I really don't want to lose my time with this guy. In fact, I don't think I want an online profile anymore.


It's fine to be excited about someone and want to meet again but I think it's better to keep some of that for you and just let the relationship progress naturally without putting so much pressure immediately. It might seem like I'm very aloof but I'm very romantic and a firm believer in commitment.

That man, he's just too much.

So, I emailed him saying I enjoyed our meeting but I don't think we're on the same wavelength and that we should not see each other again. Now I'm very anxious about the response to that and hope he doesn't ''act out'' in some negative way. I'm feeling scared today.

 

[In a lonely place]

I think you're right to be very cautious about this guy. You shouldn't need to feel scared either, everyone has a right to choose their friends and at the moment he is stranger to you.
But not all men are like this so don't give up on the online profile.
Good luck.

 

[nerdygirl]

Aww, I hope he doesn't spook you too much and that he takes the rejection well.

(I was, of course, kidding about my suggestions, but wouldn't it be funny? I actually got some weird telemarketers to stop calling me by barking into the phone!)

 

[Lonely in BC]

I think you're right to be very cautious about this guy. You shouldn't need to feel scared either, everyone has a right to choose their friends and at the moment he is stranger to you.
But not all men are like this so don't give up on the online profile.
Good luck.

Pretty much says it all right there. I'd keep my guard up for sure around that guy.

 

[Aube]

He wrote me back and he's ok. Disappointed but ok. Even though I'm the one who stopped it, I feel kind of sad at the moment. I'm mostly all right being single but it can be difficult at times, especially when it doesn't work out with someone.

---

Aww, I hope he doesn't spook you too much and that he takes the rejection well.

(I was, of course, kidding about my suggestions, but wouldn't it be funny? I actually got some weird telemarketers to stop calling me by barking into the phone!)

It's all right, it can be a good way to deal with some people.

 

[Avalon]

Hello, I'm new but I need some advice about a date. Here is the situation: I put up an online profile and got a message from a man who sounded nice but not exactly ''my type''. I responded anyway and we had a phone conversation and a date. It was nice enough but I wasn't bowled over.

Now, one thing I didn't like is that he ''improved'' his profile info, adding a few inches to his real height, using two different real names in person and removing 5 years to his age as well as being contradictory on another question. When I asked him about two of these, he kind of brushed it off as unimportant (not so to me).

I feel the same way you did Aube when I read that, and I don't think it's unimportant either. That's a red flag right there.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Aww, I hope he doesn't spook you too much and that he takes the rejection well.

(I was, of course, kidding about my suggestions, but wouldn't it be funny? I actually got some weird telemarketers to stop calling me by barking into the phone!)

Hold it- you barked..... Into the phone!

That's awesome.

My favorite tactic came from Brendan Fraser in "George of the Jungle"- I yell into the phone, hang up, and laugh myself silly for the next 5 minutes.

I honestly don't know how effective it is but it sure feels good.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That is really clingy. Goodness... how do you even suggest you'll be close to someone like that... It's not like asking what to eat for dinner. The guy is a little extreme in my opinion. Personally, I'd back off and try my best to fall back into the shadows with him. I hate ignoring people, but it seems like that's what needs to happen with some people.

 

[nerdygirl]

Hold it- you barked..... Into the phone!

That's awesome.

My favorite tactic came from Brendan Fraser in "George of the Jungle"- I yell into the phone, hang up, and laugh myself silly for the next 5 minutes.

I honestly don't know how effective it is but it sure feels good.

I did! I barked. They kept calling my cell phone, and I kept asking them to remove me from their list, and told them it was a cell phone, and that they were using my minutes. They would always apologize and say the number was removed, and then I'd get another call a few hours later. After a few days of this, I was like, "... okay, let's try something new." and I barked in to the phone. They stopped calling!