Dealbreaker

[mountainvista]

My BF moved in with me and my daughters a few months ago. It's not going well.
I feel as though he is manipulating me via the bait-and-switch, and gaslighting.

1. When we were dating, he made a big deal of saying that he doesn't drink. He even told me all about his DWI and subsequent JAIL TIME he had to do, plus mandatory 28-day rehab. "I learned my lesson," he said. I breathed a sigh of relief, because, especially having vulnerable people in my house (my daughters), I in no way wanted to deal with someone with addiction problems.

Fast forward to now. He is killing off at least a 6-pack every night after work. When I asked him, "Hey, I thought you said you don't drink," he said, "Oh no. I just don't drink MUCH." Um, bullshit. I recall him distinctly saying "I do not drink."

2. He is lazy. Oh no, in the beginning he was all Mr. HandyMan fixing this, and Mr. Helpful-Around-the-House doing dishes and vacuuming and picking up after himself. But now? He takes no responsibility for picking up after himself, saying "that's the kids' job."

Quite literally, all he wants to do is sit in the living room and play Xbox until 3 or 4 in the morning, even on days when he has to get up at 6 and go to work. I bust my ass as a nurse, working way more than 40 hours a week, and come home, cook, do all the ******* dishes and the laundry? NO. And yesterday was the first day he'd given me ANY money toward rent/utilities, and all he could manage was $400, and he owes me well over $1,500.

3. He is quick to pin the blame for something missing or broken on my kids, yet I've caught him out in a lie at least three times about these things when it turned out that he was responsible and then he was all, "Oh, I never said that " - either he's gas-lighting me or just plain caught in a lie and can't admit it, so why not lie some more.

I don't like ultimatums: "stop drinking or else," "pick up after yourself or else," "stop ******* lying to me, or else," etc. They're manipulative, but I will not have this behavior in my house. On the rare occasion that I drink, it is on nights when I am not the custodial parent, when my kids are with their dad. My kids have never EVER seen me drunk. If I break something, I own up to it, apologize and offer to replace it. I do not say, "Oh look what your kids did," when actually I was at fault.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I don't feel that people change because someone else asks them to. I think that counseling would be pointless. He is lazy, period. He lies about everything, especially his drinking. There's no changing those things. Even if there is, I think I am done. I have too much to worry about with my kids to pin hopes on maybes.

Yeah. I am pretty sure that it is over. I just want him out. I want the peace and harmony I used to have in the house when it was just me and my girls. I will not deal with a lazy, lying drunkard. The problem is that I cannot take time off from work at this time (unless I'm in the ER with a broken leg or dead) because we're at a critical time in the practice. By mid-August, the time off blackout will be over.

I only mention this because when he moves his stuff out, I want to be there to make sure my stuff doesn't get trashed or taken. How cynical is that?

How would you handle this? I'm a stressed out wreck.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Oh dear mv, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Sounds like his true colours are finally showing once he's all settled in and comfortable. I hate it when it gets like that with people.. ugh.

There are too many things he is causing you distress for that I feel you're right, counselling won't really help, it seems as though that most of what he's doing is based on his personality/character and that is quite hard to change unless he wants to change after he realises what he's doing and stops being selfish and actually wants to work things out in the relationship. But if you believe this is never going to happen, it's only right to end this because it's not going to do you good, or your kids any good.

I hope you'll get through this all right. It's quite tormenting to read about it, I can't imagine you going through it. Please stay strong and take care. Good luck.

 

[OnlyMe]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.

How old is this guy?
I ask because it sounds like he has some pretty immature habits.

Also how long you were dating before he moved in?

 

[mountainvista]

Oh dear mv, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Sounds like his true colours are finally showing once he's all settled in and comfortable. I hate it when it gets like that with people.. ugh.

There are too many things he is causing you distress for that I feel you're right, counselling won't really help, it seems as though that most of what he's doing is based on his personality/character and that is quite hard to change unless he wants to change after he realises what he's doing and stops being selfish and actually wants to work things out in the relationship. But if you believe this is never going to happen, it's only right to end this because it's not going to do you good, or your kids any good.

I hope you'll get through this all right. It's quite tormenting to read about it, I can't imagine you going through it. Please stay strong and take care. Good luck.

Thank you. In my gut, I know what needs to be done, but I anticipate it being heart-wrenching and stressful, and part of me just wants to hide and pretend the problem doesn't exist, or that somehow everything will resolve itself as if by magic.... but it's not going to happen. Then that will only draw things out and make it ten times worse when it comes time to deal with it. Ugh.

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.

How old is this guy?
I ask because it sounds like he has some pretty immature habits.

Also how long you were dating before he moved in?

He and I are both in our 40s. He's never been married, doesn't have kids, which most people took as "a sign," but then there's me, saying, "Oh, you can't make snap judgments about someone like that!"

And yeah, ours was a whirlwind romance. We went to high school together, but reconnected earlier this year via Facebook. Hastiness rarely pays off.

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The thing is, I have legitimate affection for him. He's sweet, funny and endearing, plus very attentive... when he wants to be.

I'm just exhausted. My home should be a sanctuary, not an additional stressor. I hate that I no longer feel at home in my own house.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thank you. In my gut, I know what needs to be done, but I anticipate it being heart-wrenching and stressful, and part of me just wants to hide and pretend the problem doesn't exist, or that somehow everything will resolve itself as if by magic.... but it's not going to happen. Then that will only draw things out and make it ten times worse when it comes time to deal with it. Ugh.

The thing is, I have legitimate affection for him. He's sweet, funny and endearing, plus very attentive... when he wants to be.

I'm just exhausted. My home should be a sanctuary, not an additional stressor. I hate that I no longer feel at home in my own house.

It's always so much harder when emotions and feelings are involved, especially like you've mentioned here. It must tear you to be in such a position. But yeah, you'd have to face it anyway, hiding or running away from it won't help. As the saying goes, the best way out is always through it. I hope you can muster up all the strength you can to go through this. Also, if you can find support from anyone you're close with or someone who's there with you, that would also be very helpful in this time. *hugs*

 

[mintymint]

Sounds like you know what to do. I hope you're able to give yourself what you need.

 

[mountainvista]

It's always so much harder when emotions and feelings are involved, especially like you've mentioned here. It must tear you to be in such a position. But yeah, you'd have to face it anyway, hiding or running away from it won't help. As the saying goes, the best way out is always through it. I hope you can muster up all the strength you can to go through this. Also, if you can find support from anyone you're close with or someone who's there with you, that would also be very helpful in this time. *hugs*

My sister knows something's up and keeps texting and PMing and calling me to see how I'm doing, but I've been avoiding talking to her, mostly because I know that once she knows, she'll keep at me until I act on it.

I also have a really hard time asking people for help. It's partly pride (I hate being perceived as weak), partly not wanting to bother people (I hate being perceived as a burden), and partly because people's "help" and "advice" often isn't helpful (I hate being fodder for other people's Schadenfreude).

Meh.

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Sounds like you know what to do. I hope you're able to give yourself what you need.

Minty, this really sucks. I really don't enjoy being the one to break things off. I don't look forward to hurting someone, but, as I stated, I am a stressed-out wreck right now.

I keep hoping that we can sit down and have a good talk and that everything is going to turn out ok.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Well, isn't there anyone who can actually give you space and at the same time support you? You're not really getting help, just someone to back you up.. in case you feel insane about things.. they can pull you back to sanity. Or, you have us here on the forum. I'm here for support. And I totally get why you have a hard time asking for help.. I'm partly the same way. I can't even ask for things.

Maybe you can give yourself some breaks, and not think about this on these breaks. At least you don't overwhelm yourself with it too much. It's no good if it's only stressing you out even more. As what minty said, you know what to do.. it's just the doing it and going through it part that's the challenge.

 

[mintymint]

Sounds like you know what to do. I hope you're able to give yourself what you need.

Minty, this really sucks. I really don't enjoy being the one to break things off. I don't look forward to hurting someone, but, as I stated, I am a stressed-out wreck right now.

I keep hoping that we can sit down and have a good talk and that everything is going to turn out ok.

Well, maybe it can turn out for the better. You're the one who knows the situation the best. But knowing the situation the best, it really sounds like you feel the writing is on the wall.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Have you done any talking with him? Like a real, sit down, honest talk with each other?

 

[ShybutHi]

Well he certainly does not sound like the best role model. lol

That is such a shame though that he has turned like that and in a way I would be very angry if someone did that to me because he has been lying to you and is being very irresponsible.

 

[barky]

I'm sending you good vibes MV! Bet everyone else here is as well . Some people don't like this route, but I feel like an ultimatum is warranted. Are you one to fight thru emotions on your own? Maybe he doesn't see how inconsiderate he's being. Have a calm but stern chat with him to explain what you're going thru and what you need from a partner at this stage in life. Hopefully he'll recognize what he stands to lose if he doesn't smarten up! Hang in there.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Heya Nurse Hawtt, it's been awhile....

It's pretty rough starting new relationships when we're in our forties, especially when someone's been on their own keeping things together, going to school, and starting a new career like you have. Getting into the comfort zone you had and then going ahead and achieving the things you have in just a few years kind of gets you used to success and moving forward in life.

The excitement of new romance, especially if it's been awhile since you've allowed yourself the opportunity to really experience it, is so incredibly exhilarating- it feels so good that the caution that's normally there gets pushed aside and all we want to see is the positives of potential partner....and if potential partners on his (or her) best behaviour it's soooo easy to get caught up in things.

Unfortunately it appears your Prince Charming isn't meeting expectations. Being on the lazy side and misleading you about the drinking is one thing but to use your kids as scapegoats- WOW, that's pathetic! I'd personally have a hard time with someone who disrespected my daughter that way, their presence in my life would be terminated rather abruptly.

Reading this has me realizing that a relationship I've recently been involved in likely needs to end or have the nature of it kept on a more casual basis. The attempts to monopolize my time by subtly trying to discourage me from seeing friends or take on some more studying for my CRSP credentials was one thing but having an episode over me going to spend today and tomorrow with Kid was quite another....I've become aware that I prefer my space and not having to answer to or be considerate of someone else in the relationship sense. I think the expectation thing is something I'd rather not have to deal with right now either, I simply don't have the energy for it and would rather not change my current lifestyle to suit someone else.

Good luck Hawtt, sounds like you've got some tough decisions to make....

 

[ladyforsaken]

Reading this has me realizing that a relationship I've recently been involved in likely needs to end or have the nature of it kept on a more casual basis. The attempts to monopolize my time by subtly trying to discourage me from seeing friends or take on some more studying for my CRSP credentials was one thing but having an episode over me going to spend today and tomorrow with Kid was quite another....I've become aware that I prefer my space and not having to answer to or be considerate of someone else in the relationship sense. I think the expectation thing is something I'd rather not have to deal with right now either, I simply don't have the energy for it and would rather not change my current lifestyle to suit someone else.

****.. that just sucks. Sorry it ended up to be like that. I thought things were going really good for you in that aspect. :\

 

[Nuke1967]

Hey there,

I am not going to pretend to know about relationships because I never ever had one, but you have every right to make demands, especially with having kids. My dad was a alcoholic, he did get up and go to work everyday, but he spent his paycheck ever friday at the bar, my mom and us almost wound up on the street due to that. He died when I was 11 from cirrhois of the liver.

I might not have been in a realtionship in my life but I do understand it is a partnership, with each giving something, I have had coworkers with guys that either drink, don't want to work, leave them paying the bills etc, it should not be like that at all, and nobody should put up with it.

If your in love with someone I can understand it is hard to say I am done, but honestly you don't want to be miserable, and with kids that effects them as well. Talk make an ultimatium and if it doesn't change, then think about making a change.

Again that is just me, and my outlook on life, without having a partner myself I could be dead wrong about things. Though I wish you good luck.

 

[Okiedokes]

Sounds like the true person came out to say hi. It sounds like he was playing nice and now that he is comfortable he feels he can just be "himself". I am glad that you want to do something about it, and even if you can't right now, don't let him know your plans.

 

[mountainvista]

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback.

I'm afraid my gut is right here, though I'm not sure that the timing to launch him, so to speak, is right. For a week or so, I thought things would be ok - he said he'd stop drinking if it bothered me, and he's paid a bit toward what he's owed me, but the other behaviors persist.

In fact, I am up right now with insomnia, and he is still up, playing XBox, at 3:30 in the morning, I've already put in three 10-hour days this week, fully prepared to do another two 10-hour days, plus done a ton of housework, cooking and dishes. He just started bitching about how one of the buttons on his XBox controller is broken and how my kids must be responsible. And he's lying about stupid, petty little bullshit.

This is aggravating. Just the logistics of how to get him and his stuff physically out of my house is going to be a nightmare. It's going to require at least one day off work, plus hiring movers, and he's going to have to find an apartment. Crap.

I am just so very unhappy, though. This can't go on.

 

[mountainvista]

And we've been up this whole time - he playing XBox, not having going to bed at all last night; and me with insomnia - and and argument broke out, again, he's blaming my kids for something, and three times, I came so close to saying "This is just not working out; you have to leave."

Ugh. I feel sick.

I'm afraid that he's going to call in sick to work again like he did earlier this week when he stayed up all night and had a "headache" the next morning. I despise irresponsible people. I feel nothing but contempt for him now.

 

[Peter.EU]

I am sorry for your troubles too. But this is life. It happens very often to many people, you are far not the only one in it.

As far as for your emotional issues, you need to get over anger and bitterness. I must be very hard, but if you want better life you need to do it. To me in such cases professional coach always helps a lot. You can find some in www.coachmefree.com, there are several that specialise just on issues you mentioned. I am sure with their help you will be much better.

As far as for kids, work, well, that is REAL problem that in not only in your head. In order to overcome this further actions will need to be taken. I have zero idea what, but maybe again, coach might be useful here. Being a single mother must be really hard... especially when you earn "that" much so probably you can't afford full-time nanny. Maybe Au pair can be solution for you, this people are cheap and if you choose well very helpful. They will not only help you with kids but also with house.

mostly feel sorry for kids. Poor girls, they are innocent in it. But remember no matter hat every kid needs male idol, so sooner or later there must be someone for them too.

well good luck.

 

[ardour]

He's willing to blame your kids for his own misdeeds, thinks they should clear up his mess and gets drunk most nights in front of them (!) That's not the kind of father figure they need.
Others have said this, that you already know what needs to be done, but having to do be the one to do it puts you in a horrible situation, so you have my sympathies. Hopefully he will see reason and leave quietly without making it worse for you.