Do you ever deny yourself what you want?

[TheSolitaryMan]

This may just be personal weirdness, but I thought I'd put this out there.

I've had this thing, ever since being quite young, where I feel "guilty" if I get rewarded for doing a good deed.

I've often been told I'm too altruistic or too nice, sometimes I think that may be true, but I can't help it.

Example: I do some heavy lifting for a girl, once I sort her stuff out she offers me a coffee and wants to chat, but I politely decline and leave.

Or if someone offers me money for just helping them out, I can't take it even if I wanted to.

This carries over to relationships in that even if a really intelligent, friendly, cute girl said she wanted to kiss me right now, I'd probably politely say no even though I'd like that.

Writing it out like this, it sounds so dumb, but it's implacably a part of me. I just feel like, as much as I enjoy being happy, I prefer other people to be happier.

Even if said girl would be happy kissing me, I feel like I would let her down, and she'd be happier in the long run with someone else. So it's best not to get involved. And so on.

So maybe it's a self-esteem thing? I don't know.

All I know is that girls and so on have kind of shown an interest in me, but I feel inexplicably like it isn't "gentlemanly" to capitalise on someone being nice after being helped out.

Is that just silly, am I crazy, or what?

I know guys who would be all over a girl that asked them for coffee or something, but I just feel like that isn't right.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a miniature Zorro in that I get this compulsion to be helpful and then disappear, invisible mask on, immediately afterwards.

I suppose I'm just odd and I await the facepalms!

 

[man of one]

i don't know if im like this, i mean sometimes i feel i don't deserve something or don't feel it should happen so i decline it or walk away, but if not i guess i would accept it. Everyones different though and you sound like a nice guy but you need to say yes to things if you want them and feel it to be right..cause i mean money and kisses from girls you gotta start accepting those! lol

 

[Enchanted Girl]

My Dad is like this. He literally does everything for everyone, behind the scenes and everything, with very little recognition, thanks, or notice, and usually says it's because he wants everyone to be happy that isn't him.

You just need to realize that sometimes you actually insult and hurt people when you say no to things they offer you. A girl who pursues you is taking a big chance with you actually. For the most part, women are expected not to pursue and therefore, she's making an extra effort to be with you and when you reject her, she's going to feel bad about herself because of it.

I'm only wording it this way because you need to realize that being in people's lives is actually a gift you give to them. Think of all the lonely people on this forum and how precious we would all feel like it is if more people would actually give us the time of day and be in our lives.

You don't have to be perfect. No one is perfect. You just have to be THERE. If you can actually be THERE and not the disappearing man, then that will actually set you apart from everyone else more than anything else you could do. Because it's very rare to find someone who actually sticks in your life for the long run.

 

[kamya]

You just need to realize that sometimes you actually insult and hurt people when you say no to things they offer you. A girl who pursues you is taking a big chance with you actually. For the most part, women are expected not to pursue and therefore, she's making an extra effort to be with you and when you reject her, she's going to feel bad about herself because of it.

Its not his problem if a girl feels bad about it. It's no different than the way guys feel getting rejected over and over again. Just because we are 'expected' to do it doesn't make it any different.

I think there are a few things that might make you act this way. Either you have a low opinion of yourself and feel like you don't deserve these things people offer you, or you are a control freak and are scared to trust others.

A last option could be that you think that you are better than these people and that you need to build them up. We are taught that the strong should protect the weak. You don't want anything in return because it would mean letting people pay you back. You would rather have the upper hand in the exchange and make others feel indebted to you.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I get embarrassed when someone compliments me or says something nice especially if it's in front of a group of people. In relationships I kind of went with the flow, be it girlfriend or just friends. It wasn't until I realized how unhappy it made me that I decided to have more of a voice. I hate taking money from people when I volunteer to help out. Even when I helped one of my bosses move after work, they paid us and I felt kind of bad for putting time in for it. I liked that boss and kind of got along with him so I would have done it for nothing. But to answer the topic question, I don't feel guilty I just don't like accepting something as a reward for helping someone out or doing a good job, etc.

Example: I do some heavy lifting for a girl, once I sort her stuff out she offers me a coffee and wants to chat, but I politely decline and leave.

This I would have accepted, if she offered money no, but coffee (well not coffee I hate coffee) I would have agreed to.

 

[SophiaGrace]

If you keep turning down girls that're interested, you're going to be TheSolitaryMan forever!

 

[Enchanted Girl]

You just need to realize that sometimes you actually insult and hurt people when you say no to things they offer you. A girl who pursues you is taking a big chance with you actually. For the most part, women are expected not to pursue and therefore, she's making an extra effort to be with you and when you reject her, she's going to feel bad about herself because of it.

Its not his problem if a girl feels bad about it. It's no different than the way guys feel getting rejected over and over again. Just because we are 'expected' to do it doesn't make it any different.

You missed my point. My point was he was rejecting them as a "favor" to them, which isn't really doing them any sort of favor at all.

No one has to accept being pursued by anyone, but if you are rejecting someone you like as a favor to them, you are just hurting them unnecessarily when they are putting in extra efforts to be close to you.

And the only reason I pointed out where the expectations lie is that from experience, women don't pursue men unless they really, really, really like them. I'm a girl, personally, who has been rejected many times and pursued lots of men, but most of my friends don't go after guys. If girls are going after him, then those girls must be crazy about him!

 

[kamya]

I see what you are saying.

I am more interested in the OP and the reasons that he does the things he does.

To answer the OP's question, no. If what I want just falls into my lap then I will take it.

If it takes a lot of effort over time to get what I want, then sometimes I will choose not to put in that effort. I guess I deny myself that way sometimes.

 

[Appleseed761]

I wouldn't say I denied myself what I want but when things are going good, I always seem to muck things up and end up losing it anyway!! It's almost as if I am 'expecting' something to fail because I cannot believe my luck! C'mon snap out of it already!! :/

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Of course I had. I try not to do it as much anymore...ALLOW myself to be happy and recieve.

A lot of it was my conditioning N programing. Mix from guilt N shame into it. N other beliefs
such as " its better to give than to receive" N being a decent huiman being so I might not
go to hell. Or what fucken good morals N vaules I have. Im such a fucken saint. Im so god ****
perfect, I have my honeysuckle together, I dont need anything from anyone..love, hugs or kisses cuz I was so
self rightious


Its kind of like an infority complex. The same as people with low self esteem always has to be right.
You fear of success.

fresia it...lets cut through the bullshit...
Your a people pleaser. Bending over backwards, being like a doormate or a pretzel.
Kind of like being or playing the nice guy...getting into the friendzone N never getting laid.
You wanna fix others..it keeps you bussied so you dont have to look @ yourself.
Its basic co dependency. You make other people happy first. Ur dependented on others to be happy before
you can be happy.

Ok..this might help you feel less guilty about receiving.
If you dont recieve..your actaully a self fish..self absorbing person.
You know it feels good to give...but your hoarding all the giving. Therefore theres lack of balance.
Allow others to give to you..to express their giving nature to you too...Its not all about you, dude.

As comfortable or self rigtheous you might feel about what ur doing...its not healthy.

 

[Limlim]

When I get praise or a reward for something, I feel like someone is blowing sunshine up my ass and get all weirded out. For the most part I'm not sure if they are patronizing me or not.

I might just be paranoid that I'm being seen as a rat being given a food pellet who will continue to be a certain way with the right kind of training / encouragement. Puts me off a bit.

 

[I'm Fine]

I can relate to feeling uncomfortable if someone tries to praise/reward/pay me for doing something for them. No experience of someone trying to kiss me for it though so no idea how I'd feel about that (probably different for me as a girl anyway). With me it's a feeling of not deserving it. It just seems to emphasise how horrible I am and makes me feel bad. I'm working on it though, and try to just accept the thanks (although it's really difficult). I started doing that when I realised that they NEED to thank you so that they can feel better about accepting whatever you've done for them. Perhaps you could try that? Just try accepting it because that, in itself, is also helping them.

Hope it helps.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yes, but it's more about self-discipline, and self-will than anything else. I don't punish myself or anything. And it's not always with the deepest-of-heart matters.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

If you keep turning down girls that're interested, you're going to be TheSolitaryMan forever!

A simple but very true point actually!

Interesting replies here, I'm glad to know others get similar feelings.

Kamya, in answer to your questions/musings, I don't feel superior to people who I help. I feel obliged to help them if they're worse off really, but I don't feel "better" than them in any way.

I'm also not a particularly controlling person (or at least I hope not). I will generally go with the flow unless something in particular annoys me or goes fundamentally against my plans or whatever, so I don't think that's so much the issue.

I think with relationships, I have this weird denial complex + this fatal tendency to look into the future all the time. I just can't help it.

I've never actually gone out with someone because I just have a feeling I will upset them in the end.

My parents tell me often that you have to date several people before you find "the one" (if you do at all, of course ), but I wouldn't want to cause heartache like that.

So not only do I feel like I'm taking advantage of a girl if I attempt romance (even if she likes me - wtf!), I also feel like asking a girl out will lead to her being disappointed/upset and me feeling guilty.

I have no idea where these feelings come from. I've had my neighbours tell my parents that I will "make a lucky girl a great husband", I get complimented on my manners and so on, but I still feel like I'll be an absolutely useless partner.

At 19, maybe I think about this stuff way too much. I just feel lonely, but at the same time my own beliefs and attitudes tell me not to change that.

The human mind is a most fascinating piece of kit, is it not?

 

[Poueff]

Why would we deny ourselfs what we want? If someone asks we to,say,go for a coffee,it's cause they want it and will be happier if we go. Why wouldn't they? You won't go wrong unless you try for it. And if you do go wrong,they either understand or don't. And if they don't understand... then that's their problem,now isn't it?

 

[Limlim]

Man you gotta change your sig, I can't stop looking at those tits.

 

[Kenny]

To the original question: "Do I ever deny myself what I want?"

Answer: I'm a parent.

The appropriate question is: "When is the last time I did ANYTHING I wanted?"

Answer: I have no idea.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

To the original question: "Do I ever deny myself what I want?"

Answer: I'm a parent.

The appropriate question is: "When is the last time I did ANYTHING I wanted?"

Answer: I have no idea.

Never thought like that before. I guess your outlook really does change when you're a parent.

Even so though, becoming a parent is (usually) a self-made choice, isn't it? And a good, reasoned choice to make at that.

By contrast in my own behaviour, I can't help but feel like I'm not in control of my reasoning.

I don't want to sound wallow-y (I probably do, sorry for that ), but this is honestly something I can't seem to change.

I'm thinking I maybe just have some deep fear of commitment full stop.

It's kind of ironic, because if someone is a good friend to me I will be there for them any time, every time. I've never broken a promise to a friend (though I've had them hurt me before).

By contrast, if there's any kind of suggestion of myself getting romantically entangled with someone, I just feel like I need to back off or that I'm in danger of upsetting them and I can't do that. It's pretty irrational I suppose, but it feels appropriate when it happens.

There are other issues that have arisen recently (I'll probably start a new thread on that in time, I think the forum has seen enough threads from me lately ) that have complicated things, but I can't see this improving in the short term.

The long and short of it seems to be that I'm spending yet another night getting this ache over the wish that I had a nice girl to just cuddle up to, but if it ever gets to me nearly achieving that, I seem to decide on autopilot that I'm better off alone...

If I was just being a wallowing pansy, I'd think fair enough, but I just feel it's wrong to go out and "pick up" someone. I have this thing in my head that my relationship will have to be "genuine" in some way, so goodness knows how I'm going to dig my way out of this oddball habit of distancing myself from love interests.

I guess I'll be adhering to the usual remedy now - getting to sleep before I can think about it any longer and get really gloomy!

 

[I'm Fine]

The long and short of it seems to be that I'm spending yet another night getting this ache over the wish that I had a nice girl to just cuddle up to, but if it ever gets to me nearly achieving that, I seem to decide on autopilot that I'm better off alone...

If I was just being a wallowing pansy, I'd think fair enough, but I just feel it's wrong to go out and "pick up" someone. I have this thing in my head that my relationship will have to be "genuine" in some way, so goodness knows how I'm going to dig my way out of this oddball habit of distancing myself from love interests.

Two things. Firstly, before you said that you backed away because you felt you'd just hurt them in the long run but in this last post you also said that you seem to decide, on autopilot, that you're better off alone. I think you need to work out who you're protecting by keeping everyone at arms length.

Secondly, I agree. It is wrong to simply pick someone up just to make you feel less lonely BUT girls have been showing you that they're interested in you AS A PERSON. That's not picking someone up. That's initiating a relationship. There's nothing wrong in that. It's just scary. Incredibly scary.

Good luck. I hope you work something out that helps you.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

The long and short of it seems to be that I'm spending yet another night getting this ache over the wish that I had a nice girl to just cuddle up to, but if it ever gets to me nearly achieving that, I seem to decide on autopilot that I'm better off alone...

If I was just being a wallowing pansy, I'd think fair enough, but I just feel it's wrong to go out and "pick up" someone. I have this thing in my head that my relationship will have to be "genuine" in some way, so goodness knows how I'm going to dig my way out of this oddball habit of distancing myself from love interests.

Two things. Firstly, before you said that you backed away because you felt you'd just hurt them in the long run but in this last post you also said that you seem to decide, on autopilot, that you're better off alone. I think you need to work out who you're protecting by keeping everyone at arms length.

Secondly, I agree. It is wrong to simply pick someone up just to make you feel less lonely BUT girls have been showing you that they're interested in you AS A PERSON. That's not picking someone up. That's initiating a relationship. There's nothing wrong in that. It's just scary. Incredibly scary.

Good luck. I hope you work something out that helps you.

Very helpful reply, thank you

I'd +rep but it's being awkward for some reason. I'll try again tomorrow.

I think perhaps you're right in that I'm also worried for my own emotions. Maybe that is another root of the behaviour.

It's sort of related to your second point, so to save the whole new thread, my biggest problem right now is my confidence, or rather my understanding of girls. I took a pretty big knock recently when a girl who had been on-off with me for around 5 months, stringing me along, said she wanted friendship when I finally asked her.

Now, ordinarily, that wouldn't be a big deal. However, she was doing a whole bunch of intimate things. Now I think to myself whenever a girl is a bit attentive "Well, if someone can wrap themselves round you like an octopus and yet not be interested, how can a girl that just smiles be available?"

I don't know if I was just unlucky with that particular girl, but things just don't seem simple any more. I always assumed you cuddled up all the time to only people you 'like' like, but apparently not

Now I just have no idea if someone likes me unless they're being really unsubtle.

It's thrown my "interest gauge" completely out, I feel like my instincts failed me. She was the first girl to be that up front too, which has just confused me even more.

So that's another hurdle to jump once I get out of this mindset I guess.

I improved a little the other day, I decided to take money off my neighbour without making a fuss over it after I did some gardening for him. He did seem a bit happier for that, so maybe it was the right thing to do. I hope so.