Ever stay up really late at night....

[heretostay]

....because you are trying to prevent tomorrow from coming? that's about where im at. its 4am. im up. i should be in bed. i just really dont want to deal with tomorrow. im absolutely exhausted and i know tomorrow is going to be hell, but i stay up all night anyway just searching the web.

i only have three more weeks of school, but man am i dragging my heels. im having to fight myself just about every day to go to class. forget about studying. its not that im terribly depressed or anything, im just worn down and would rather sleep for three days straight.

but tuesdays are hard for me. i have a class that i cant seem to make any friends in. and not only can i not make friends but im by some girls that i just feel really awkward and uncomfortable around. for whatever reason i think they are scared of me. it makes for a very uncomfortable situation- and the class is four hours long.

blah.

 

[deirdre]

i think i stay up late at night, in fact, all night, so i do not have to face the day.....sometimes i am in a mindless haze, one day melting into another so much so that I can't even tell when the weekend comes or the new week begins..... i lose total track of time passing....somehow this must help me cope with my continued unemployment....if i do not have to see the clock say 8 am and acknowledge I am not going out the door to pay my own way, take care of myself, i mean, i want to fall to my knees and weep most every single day that I am THIS old and THIS incapable of the basic requirements for most human beings....make a living so that you can eat, subsist, and yes, thrive.

so mostly i am up all night long and go to sleep at 7 am or maybe later...but I will sleep the entire day away....because why acknowledge the rest of the world is out there, working, earning, able to buy a pizza, able to put money in the gas tank, able to have heat in their house, able to interact with other human beings, able to be productive, creative, ALIVE!!!!!!!!! it's just too painful to face the sun and all the people dashing around under her, having something to do, all the birds flying around her, busy and joyously flying....so much better to sit with the moon, as lonely as I and wonder if the stars are merely pieces of her, broken off and unable to find their way home

 

[Lawrens]

I had that during highschool, it's some sort of anxiety disorder I had, my heart would beat really fast and I'd sweat from just thinking of having to deal with school back then, the only time I could find peace is during midnight as I'd hope tomorrow never comes, but that's counterproductive as I won't have energy for school by sleeping only 2-3hours a day.

During college I dealt with it better by setting up a routine where I'd wake up extra early and go jogging while I'm being anxious, that way I won't know if the heartbeat was from running or from me being afraid, and that way I won't know the trembling would be from physical exhaustion, excitement or from fear. Also I'm usually too tired to worry too much after I jog, and it kind of ease up my mind a little, and by being up early, I could hang out near the school and just have a nice breakfast at a fastfood restaurant to get me prepared instead of worrying while making my trip there, I feel less alone watching people go to work and look just as tired and sleepy as me during the morning. After a while I get used to that routine and back to my lazy self where I'd rather get up late, but I don't worry as much as I got rather used to school as well.

 

[h i]

i went to sleep at 3:00am and got up at 9:00am. i accomplished nothing last night... just wanted to chat or something.

 

[viviana]

well for the record, i missed one more class today, and my class is four hour long too.
yesterday i wanted to work with these girls, but one of them was like, nooo i don't want you to come up here
which made me mad, so i tell them its all good. it's not like u know what you doing anyway, and don't ask me for honeysuckle anymore

so today they might think, that's the reason i miss class.
i think they just jealous, at least that's what i told myself. cause i have better grade than them and i know what to do most of the time, i manage, it's just sometimes i feel lazy and i want to have someone to ask question instead of figuring it out on my own.

for the record i am always here until 2 am, or until i decide to pick up my books to do the assignments for the next day.
i try to prolong the day that way, thinking that i needn't a rest. and hoping that tomorrow won't come. and i like the peace at night, i always hope that i could live in the night when nobody is around and sleep throughout the day, so i don't have to deal with the hectic life and public encounters.
but i aint never see anyone online.

 

[heretostay]

sometimes i am in a mindless haze, one day melting into another so much so that I can't even tell when the weekend comes or the new week begins..... i lose total track of time passing....

wow me too. i always get asked when things happened, and i never know. i dont have a schedule. i go to bed whenever, stay up all night sometimes, sleep only a couple hours, or come home and crash and sleep. its just random. i dont really know what happened at a certain time on a certain day because like you said, my days sort of become one big haze and i cant tell what happened when.

basic requirements for most human beings....make a living so that you can eat, subsist, and yes, thrive.

i dont take care of myself either, really. my husband does. i go to school but he pays all the bills, goes to work and all that. sometimes i wonder if i even want to take care of myself. i think i go to school because i feel more socially accepted. but really, if i was true to myself, i think id be content doing nothing. but not nothing exactly. id rather just relax. i used to be able to do that. i had a job on the weekends and i lived with my mom. i had enough money to pay for a cell phone, gas for my car, and good. but that was it. but i was happy. i had all week to do whatever i wanted. it was awesome.

so anyway, what i was wondering is, do you think you really want to have a job and all that? or do you just feel the social pressure?

---

During college I dealt with it better by setting up a routine where I'd wake up extra early and go jogging...Also I'm usually too tired to worry too much after I jog, and it kind of ease up my mind a little

ya, i know i need to start working out again. i wish i had the motivation to get up really early and go to the gym. i really should. it really does ease my stress level when i do that. its just that i have to go all the way down to my school. i cant work out at my place because there are no side walks here and people drive recklessly. eh. but im just making excuses. hopefully in the next week or so i can start going to the gym. i know itd do wonders for my anxiety.

---

yesterday i wanted to work with these girls, but one of them was like, nooo i don't want you to come up here
which made me mad, so i tell them its all good. it's not like u know what you doing anyway, and don't ask me for honeysuckle anymore

wow well, luckily i dont fight with anyone. that would be even worse.

the class was stressful again, as usual. and the weird thing is its not like i dont know anyone in the class, or like i havent ever talked to anyone in the class. i know quite a number of people. but for some very bizarre reason i feel isolated in that class.

i have a class on fridays that's even more stressful. in that class i dont know anyone, and its a tutorial class that encourages talking and socializing. it seems like everyone has their group and im the odd man out. i left last week because i was sitting, alone, at a long row of desks, and all the other rows were filled up with people and their friends. everyone was talking and laughing and there i was just sitting alone at a long row of desks. that was just too much. i had to leave. i probably missed out on some information that would have helped, but i just couldnt handle it.

 

[deirdre]

Hey there Here to Stay...... It really has nothing to do with social pressure, I could give a rat's fart what any of the neighbors think of me...it's just the terror factor - I am living off my savings and will have absolutely NOTHING to live on in my old age.
To be perfectly honest, if I didn't need money to survive, pay bills, the taxes on the house, I would be totally OK with never working again...but I don't have money falling out of the sky or have yet to be tooling down the highway behind a Wells Fargo Truck that hits a pothole, loosening the back door and having money pour out onto my hood. (my favorite fantasy)

I worked constantly when I was raising my children, but only part time jobs, sometimes 3 or 4 part time jobs at once and I just hated working....I would have much rather been home, crocheting, knitting, taking art classes all day, making pottery, jewelry.

I put out a concerted effort when I first lost my job, but after you send out 300 resumes in the span of 3 months and you never even get a interview, I slacked off, the depressions starting to get harder to control to the point that now I rarely even look for work. I had all of THREE interviews this entire year. Maybe once a month I will go on craigslist and see what is posted....but don't even bother with the classifieds anymore. I really don't care if I ever work again ....I am living off of the little money I had set aside in CD's and IRA's to supplement my social security and now it is really going to jeopardize my standard of living when I get older.

I'm gonna have to find a roommate or maybe (shudder) live in a trailer park or somesuch odd lower income scenario surrounded by toothless people whose favorite sport is WWF wrestling, can barely read a stop sign and who scratch alot in embarassing places. I live so frugally, I can make a dollar last for 3 weeks. But then again, I rarely go out anywhere at all anymore.
But if I could, I'd be taking every class offered at a local art school doing all the artsy-fartsy stuff I love. You are so lucky to have someone in your life that handles the bills, I am green with envy. I don't know why I am being so freaking lazy about at least looking for work one day a week. I think it is because most places it is FAX your resume to: and hello? I don't have a fax machine anymore, it died...so what? I go to Staples where they charge $3.00 for the first page and a $1.00 thereafter? Ridiculous! I have to make every penny count, not spend $30 a week just to look for a job.

 

[evanescencefan91]

dude man i tottaly know the feeing i don't want to fall asleep because i'll just unfortunately wake up and have to go to school again

 

[SophiaGrace]

yes.....i am now. Drinking monsters and semi disheartened...

 

[Regret]

Yeah, all the time, almost every night now......

Really don't want to deal with tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.......empty, pointless, and always alone.