Every time I open myself up I seem to lose the one I open up to

[ily?no...]

All my life I have been a mildly social kid ive never been the outgoing guy who was the center of attention. All my "friends" are the "cool" people at school I try my best to open up to them but for some reason i cannot, not even with my own family I can be myself. When I meet a new person i like to open myself up and act more social than i would around my friends but for some reason i either say something stupid or do something i dont know... In the end they get taken away either they get a boyfriend, they make other friends, or whaterver. I feel like a stepping stone for other people to prosper and be happy. Ive never felt that true happiness ive never had a best friend. ive never had someone to open up to . I dont know why or how this happens i just want to know that someone cares. I hope one day ill find someone who will stay...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

From my own personal experince. Most poeple are too cuaght up
with thier own lives and challenges to be avaliable to me when
I need to talk to someone about some personal matters.

I also attend support groups so that I may talk about things in my life, opening up myself. For the most part people listen but they have
their own honeysuckle to worry about. Most of the time they're not even paying attention to what I'm saying. In support groups you get a sponsor so you may establish a relationship or have someone
to talk to, but half of the time I cant get a hold of him or when I need to talk to someone about whats bothering me...it turns into his stuff that's he's going through. So I end up listening to him instead.
I have a couple of sponors for this reason. One I've became friends
with but most of the time I feel he's not really there or actaully understands me. He tries to be there for me as best he can..but
as I say..he has his own challenges.

I also keep a journal. As you may notice a lot of my post are long.
I come on here to write about me and what i'm going through.
The good , the bad..all of it. I feel like I need to leave it somewhere.
Most people dont bother reading my post or really wants to get to
know me.

I'm in a relationship at the moment. It's been a challenge.
My fiance and I gose back a long ways. We're trying to reconcile
our relationship. Just that in itself is not easy. I find myself listening
to her problems or struggles. She's opening up to me. Never the less
we still dont see eye to eye on a lot of things. I try to as understanding as I can. I love her very much.

At the sametime I still feel I cant talk to anyone thats willing to take the time to listen to me about issues I have and the many challenges
I'm facing.
We been arguing and making up..then arguing and making up.
I also started a new job that requires me to work long hours.
When I get home I'm tired and my finace wants to talk..but I'm
like dozing off. I try to be as attentive as I can. to be there for her.
To actually be presence in the moment. Its been a challenge for the both of us.

Lastnight we made up. I'm really grateful...but for the last couple of
weeks i feel like putting a fucken bullet in my head.

Anyways, most people just wanna hear everything is ok. I put on
a smile all day long at work. My Fiance thinks I'm happy all the time...which I am for the most part. Never the less I still those
days or moments where I feel like I'm falling apart and just trying to
keep it all together.

I still havn't gone into great details of the challenges in my life at the moment. I feel people can careless oneway or the other.
So I don't whine like a little fucken *****....it's piontless.

My duaghter Kimberly had been keeping in contact with me everyday.
I love her very much. I try to be there for her as much as I can.
She too feels like no one understands her or really cares.
I love her very much as she loves me too. My love for her is keeping
me sane through all of this. I need to be strong for her and her mother.

 

[ily?no...]

Wow... sounds like your going through a bit more than i am i really hope you find a way to get through it. you said you were keeping a journal how does that help you because ive always been good a writing and analyzing me daily life after i get home. does it help that you can see what you did by writing?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Journaling helps me in many ways.
First and formost it's my journal. I can write freely and express freely
what i feel or think without being judge by anyone. I write whatever
not trying to anylize it or judge myself. It's a form of release.

Sometimes I get very angery..I'll just write whatever.
Fucken *****...fucken *****..i think blah..blah is a major fucken Cnt!!!
Sometimes I'll even stab the living honeysuckle out of my journal with my pin.
In this way..it's kind of like anger management, releasing my anger
and fuastrations without hurting myself or anyone. Kind of like
venting.

Most of time I'll just write whatever. sometimes I'll go back
and read my journal...months or six months.
I'll see progress or sometimes even laugh at myself for some
of the crazy honeysuckle I do. Other times I'll remember of the good times
I have. Other times I'll see the struggles and challenges at that
piont in time and I'll either got over it, got passed it or my life
changed

Other times there's just so much going on in my life or head..
so when I put it on paper..it don't need to think about it all
day long. it's on paper. Sometimes it helps me sort through my challenges better when its on paper and not floating around in my head going in different directions.

So it's more like me understanding me better.
It like having a relationship with myself. Building a good dialog with myself.
Kind of like if I dont understand myself..then how could I expect
anyone else to understand me?...but once I understand myself better. I don't really need other people to understand me as much...
funni how that works.lol
Hope that makes sense.

 

[nerdygirl]

Hmm. All of your friends are the cool people at school? I haven't known very many "cool" people who were actually really good friends. They are usually fun friends, and perhaps good people in general... but a lot of people in the cool crowd are just not good at being sincere friends.

 

[Yeah!]

I understand, 100%, what you mean about feeling like a stepping stone. I've even used that analogy myself. I'm good when there's not much options, it's either use me or get your feet wet.

The thing about opening yourself up, and this is fairly depressing, is that people will get freaked out. If they meet you as a subdued, introverted person, and they watch you become someone else, that will seem off putting. To us, we think it's reasonable to be introverted when we're around new people. It makes sense, we don't know them, have to suss them out, see what'll fly and what won't. Many, many people I've met aren't like that. Of course, some people just like to talk about themselves, I think every person is guilty of that a few times.

There are options, from what I can see in my own situation. I can either remain that introverted, quiet dude for as long as I know that particular person, or I can do my absolute best to a welcoming character right off the bat, as terrifying as that is. It ain't easy, behaving in a natural manner in a situation that doesn't seem to be natural, but it's all about practice. You can't learn piano by thinking about pianos, you know? This sounds REALLY dumb, but I sit in front of a mirror, with my laptop next to me, and try to copy faces and mannerisms of people that have these traits. I'm thinking of it as the chicken and egg scenario, in that convincing people I am this person, I will become that person.

You could always get lucky and meet someone, or a group of people, exactly like you, but the biggest problem there is that those people are doing the exact same thing. They're sitting at home in front of their computer, wishing they could meet someone to hang out with.

 

[ily?no...]

Hey thanks I think im gonna try to keep a journal and record what ive done and how i feel.

 

[SophiaGrace]

If you make someone feel special, care about them, and make them a part of your life, maybe they won't leave? It seems to work for me. *hug*

You said you have never felt happy, maybe there is something to that in making people wat to stay around.

 

[Undone]

I've learned that opening up is a hit more miss situation.... more miss than hit. It seems that letting your insecurities and/or issues show too early will result in a change of opinion about you.

I would suggest that if you get into a dating type of situation, hold off on opening up untill you know for sure that the relationship has become just that - a relationship. Once you're in the clear then opening up won't be such a big deal, though any self deprecation should be kept to a minimum so's not to seem like you're fishing for compliments or whatever.

 

[jjam]

I've learned that opening up is a hit more miss situation.... more miss than hit. It seems that letting your insecurities and/or issues show too early will result in a change of opinion about you.

I would suggest that if you get into a dating type of situation, hold off on opening up untill you know for sure that the relationship has become just that - a relationship. Once you're in the clear then opening up won't be such a big deal, though any self deprecation should be kept to a minimum so's not to seem like you're fishing for compliments or whatever.

It is a tricky business, isn't it? I often find myself thinking that part of what's keeping me out of relationships is my tendency to NOT open up. It seems playing safely means playing a game that's not going to remain fun for long.

damned if you don't, damned if you do

 

[A new life]

Could you be giving too much info too soon?
I'm thinking easy does it, go slowly.