Don't know if this belongs in the depression boards or not (if not, please move to relevant area mods, thx), as I'm not quite depressed, or perhaps it's become such a state of normalcy as to be indiscernible.
Either way.
I'm approaching my 38th birthday on the 22nd. I'm very chronically ill, and I'm coming to the point in my life where I'm weighing future prospects which are grim. I'll elaborate on specifics when pertinent, but basically this disease requires me to undergo "mid"-tier chemotherapy (in terms of toxicity and side effects) three weeks out of of the month to fight a tumor in my chest that is growing uncontrollably. For the rest of my life this will continue. It's been an on and off battle since I was 20. If I don't undergo this treatment which makes me largely miserable Mon-Wed, this growth will eventually encroach into my left lung and ultimately my heart cavity and impede their functions, but not before the immense suffering such a slow death would entail as it is very slow growing and is also located right on my Brachial plexus to my left arm which causes constant chronic pain and oftentimes uncontrollable painful muscle spasms. Death would not come quickly. Realistically looking forward, I don't think I'd make it past my mid 40s if I stopped chemo tomorrow, and those years would be more than unpleasant. If I continue chemo, who's to say how much time it would afford me. It could stop working, or a variety of problems could arise. For all I know, it could be ineffective now and just not had enough time to show up in scans.
I'm just done with chemo. I'm done with it. I hate it, I've endured enough, and for the payoff it's bringing in my life I don't see it as worth going through anymore. This chemo doesn't give me health; it spares me death. I am still sick and in pain. I also battle Bipolar II. I don't actively wish to be dead, but I don't think I'd be so heartbroken if it arrived in haste. I've not discussed these thoughts with my parents, with whom I still live with but I know what they think. During one of my most difficult periods about two years ago, my mother came out to me in tears and said (when she saw me in the grips of the worst my diagnosis had to offer), "While your father and I would never wish it, we would understand if you decided to commit suicide. All we ask is that you don't disappear and say goodbye first." Jaw on the floor at being said such a thing by a parent, but as close to verbatim as I care to recall. I know this is not a situation that hasn't been entertained in all our minds, though past that we've never broached the subject further after I abruptly ended the conversation.
*sigh*
......I really don't know what I'm looking for here. There's always the "I can't say anything" and "best wishes" replies, I appreciate the sentiments, but I'm looking for something deeper and am hopeful for more meaningful discourse. I guess I'm curious as to what others would do in my situation.
I realize this is sparse and vague in detail, it has to be otherwise this'd be a thesis, but I'm happy to answer any questions. I have so much to discuss in terms of feeling immense guilt, shame, cowardice, and so many other emotions I can't rightly describe. I don't want this to get too long, but I'm finding myself at a significant crossroads in my life of great reflection and consideration about whether I wish to continue living against an illness I will not be able to defeat, and after largely being a lurker here for a few years, would appreciate some people to bounce my thoughts off to help gain some perspective on this.
Either way.
I'm approaching my 38th birthday on the 22nd. I'm very chronically ill, and I'm coming to the point in my life where I'm weighing future prospects which are grim. I'll elaborate on specifics when pertinent, but basically this disease requires me to undergo "mid"-tier chemotherapy (in terms of toxicity and side effects) three weeks out of of the month to fight a tumor in my chest that is growing uncontrollably. For the rest of my life this will continue. It's been an on and off battle since I was 20. If I don't undergo this treatment which makes me largely miserable Mon-Wed, this growth will eventually encroach into my left lung and ultimately my heart cavity and impede their functions, but not before the immense suffering such a slow death would entail as it is very slow growing and is also located right on my Brachial plexus to my left arm which causes constant chronic pain and oftentimes uncontrollable painful muscle spasms. Death would not come quickly. Realistically looking forward, I don't think I'd make it past my mid 40s if I stopped chemo tomorrow, and those years would be more than unpleasant. If I continue chemo, who's to say how much time it would afford me. It could stop working, or a variety of problems could arise. For all I know, it could be ineffective now and just not had enough time to show up in scans.
I'm just done with chemo. I'm done with it. I hate it, I've endured enough, and for the payoff it's bringing in my life I don't see it as worth going through anymore. This chemo doesn't give me health; it spares me death. I am still sick and in pain. I also battle Bipolar II. I don't actively wish to be dead, but I don't think I'd be so heartbroken if it arrived in haste. I've not discussed these thoughts with my parents, with whom I still live with but I know what they think. During one of my most difficult periods about two years ago, my mother came out to me in tears and said (when she saw me in the grips of the worst my diagnosis had to offer), "While your father and I would never wish it, we would understand if you decided to commit suicide. All we ask is that you don't disappear and say goodbye first." Jaw on the floor at being said such a thing by a parent, but as close to verbatim as I care to recall. I know this is not a situation that hasn't been entertained in all our minds, though past that we've never broached the subject further after I abruptly ended the conversation.
*sigh*
......I really don't know what I'm looking for here. There's always the "I can't say anything" and "best wishes" replies, I appreciate the sentiments, but I'm looking for something deeper and am hopeful for more meaningful discourse. I guess I'm curious as to what others would do in my situation.
- continue chemo, which is awful and holds no guarantees
- stop chemo, and pursue a futile path to a relatively short term future
I realize this is sparse and vague in detail, it has to be otherwise this'd be a thesis, but I'm happy to answer any questions. I have so much to discuss in terms of feeling immense guilt, shame, cowardice, and so many other emotions I can't rightly describe. I don't want this to get too long, but I'm finding myself at a significant crossroads in my life of great reflection and consideration about whether I wish to continue living against an illness I will not be able to defeat, and after largely being a lurker here for a few years, would appreciate some people to bounce my thoughts off to help gain some perspective on this.