False friends disappearing

[keeper]

Just wondering if in your life have ever occurred similar experiences. Some people get in touch with us, pretend to be our friends, try to manipulate us in every way to appear what they aren't, we recognize them, then we start to move away slowly from them and they disappear.
I have never been surprised every time this happened, and never been disappointed or sorry. I just wonder why such people do this. Are they so desperate? so badly in need of somebody else?
Any suggestions?

 

[Naleena]

Some people get in touch with us, pretend to be our friends, try to manipulate us in every way to appear what they aren't, we recognize them, then we start to move away slowly from them and they disappear.

I don't think I quite understand the question. Could you explain a little more about the part where they "try to manipulate us in every way to appear what they aren't?"

Thanks

 

[keeper]

Sure, of course I will explain better. Some people try to appear different from what they really are, telling us certain things like "I am this, I am that" while they apparently aren't. Or they act, play a role, trying to convince us they do have certain qualities.
I call it manipulation.

 

[Naleena]

Sure, of course I will explain better. Some people try to appear different from what they really are, telling us certain things like "I am this, I am that" while they apparently aren't. Or they act, play a role, trying to convince us they do have certain qualities.
I call it manipulation.

So why would people try to pretend to be something they aren't in order to keep a friendship?

Well, I could think of a few reasons.

1. They are afraid of rejection.

2. They are trying to impress someone because they think if they were to expose who they truly are then they would not be interesting enough and...see #1. So sad this is.

3. They really don't get how their actions are much different from their words/beliefs. I read one time where bullies aren't aware that people dislike them...lol Sometimes what a person says and does doesn't match up completely. I learned that in psychology 150.

4. And the most diabolical of all, they are manipulators who want something in return. They find this person they are lying to of value to them at the moment and by acting a certain way they try to get what they want in return.

I'm sure some others could come up with some reasons I could hang out with 1&2 and hopefully they would see it's ok to be who they are. I might be tempted to help 3 see whats going on, if they are open to it. But 4, I stay away from. Selfish people trying to con others for personal gain (whether it be emotional, monetary or whatever) really gets my panties in a wad. I don't have any use for such behavior or patience with those who willfully do it.

 

[keeper]

I agree with you, Naleena. #1 and 2 have occurred many times in my life. But these cases are very simple, I understand those people right from the start and decide how to react.
#3 still happens sometimes.
Number 4. Such people I have met many times, and now I recognize them quite easily. But they disappear when I unmask them. They should play the part to the end, IMHO.

 

[Steel]

Some people simply do it to be the center of attention (ok, this is covered by Nal's #2)

I find these "drama queens" to be the most common type. In order to keep up the attention they must continually invent new, ever more wonderful/terrible occurences to keep people interested in them. While I feel sorry for anyone with such poor self esteem, it is indeed a form of emotional blackmail.

 

[Naleena]

Some people simply do it to be the center of attention (ok, this is covered by Nal's #2)

I find these "drama queens" to be the most common type. In order to keep up the attention they must continually invent new, ever more wonderful/terrible occurences to keep people interested in them. While I feel sorry for anyone with such poor self esteem, it is indeed a form of emotional blackmail.

That's interesting, Steel. I didn't think of drama queens. I agree with one slight exception. When I think of emotional black mail, I think of people who use guilt to manipulate others. They play the martyr a lot of times. To manipulate someone a person must have some sort of connection to the manipulator. They use emotional currencies. "You owe me because..." That's how I see it anyway

 

[Steel]

Well, I was thinking of the using of peoples' compassion to manipulate them, which can be just as powerful a tool IMO. I haven't really thought about whether those who use either form of manipulation are likely to use both ; but I guess, if someone desires people to behave in the way in which they want, then any tools or methods would be seen as fair game.

 

[Naleena]

Well, I was thinking of the using of peoples' compassion to manipulate them, which can be just as powerful a tool IMO. I haven't really thought about whether those who use either form of manipulation are likely to use both ; but I guess, if someone desires people to behave in the way in which they want, then any tools or methods would be seen as fair game.

ohhh, I didn't quite understand then. I agree. Would you consider asking money for children and then showing sad, hungry faces manipulative or merely driving home a point? Or would it depend on the person presenting it and why they are doing so as to whether or not it is manilpulative? You really have me thinking,Steel. I guess someone can be manilpulative of others compassions without the intent of doing so. Or can we really ever be manipulated without our consent? No one ever holds a gun to our head to get us to show compassion. If we give it freely, then are we really manipulated or permissive?

 

[Steel]

I do believe that showing starving children is manipulative; the images are often selected to evoke the strongest feelings of compassion from those viewing them. I'd hope that most charities would rather not feel the need to use such shock tactics, but the human mind has a great capacity for blocking out thoughts that do not appeal.

It does raise an ethical issue, in that is it right to manipulate people for the greater good?

As to whether we allow ourselves to be manipulated, thats a very deep, and fascinating question. After much thought, I guess my answer would be yes, that we cannot be manipulated without our inner consent, and that in fact we are just permissive. I guess this is why people, in general, don't like the feeling that they have been manipulated for selfish reasons.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

I never have befriended they type that you have described. Some people I have encountered are like that, but I always kept my distance. If I did, they wouldn't see me again after I let them know that I think they are messed up in the head.

These are people that get a "high" or "rush" from doing the things they do. They will also state such idiotic lies to get your attention. I honestly think these type of people are dangerous and I always get some weird vibe from those types.

 

[keeper]

Thanks guys, everybody of you gave me such powerful insights.
I guess Steel has written something really interesting here. I must admit that I am able to discern indeed when I am being manipulated, but most of the times I let such people try to manipulate me because after all I feel I am sure I will never believe what they say. Often I let them believe that they have convinced me, pretending to be interested in what they say. They seem to be always aware of this; which fact is proved by their disappearance as they see that I understood the game they are playing.

As to whether we allow ourselves to be manipulated, thats a very deep, and fascinating question. After much thought, I guess my answer would be yes, that we cannot be manipulated without our inner consent, and that in fact we are just permissive. I guess this is why people, in general, don't like the feeling that they have been manipulated for selfish reasons.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

People come and gone out of myself for many reasons.
It's not such as bad thing when bad people disappear from my life.

What's screwie is when you love someone or are in a long term
relationship with someone.( Bascailly your family member.)
You're bound with morals and are emotionally attach to that person.
In my case my ex-gf was an alcoholic. She didn't start drinking
until after 5 years into the relationship. I was conforted with some
crazy, insance three headed green eyes monster that came out of no where.
I wouldn't mind it so bad, if she drink and be happy without causing chaso
in our lives..She was a crazy mean drunk that bascailly destroyed everything.
All the lies, munipulations, head games..you name it.
Bacailly your emotions will get drag through the mud and then some.
You can't make rational decisions when you're emotionally attach.
Even if you did..it's a test of will becuase the person is not just some
casual friend. You love this person very much...it's a **** heart break everytime.
You know it's bad...you know you're being manipulated.
You have some crazy faults hope or try to see it through.
And you get religiouse and pray a lot too.lol

Love is Blinde...you know what I'm saying ?

 

[puppetboy]

I thought false friends are people who gains your trust and uses you till the end then leaves you when you aren't useful anymore. I think anyone with any kind of strong craving/want are like that ( that includes power ).

I think these people are also emotionally detached with the relationships they form. Lets be clear though, just because someone is emotionally detached doesn't mean they are using you.

I think ignorant friends who abandon friends in time of need then rationalize their actions afterwards are just as bad as false friends.

 

[SunWeb]

Yupe, I had some. There were false friends in y life and they actually betrayed me. That was not feel good I tell you. But that was good that I knew the truth earlier. Now I have only close friends that won't betray me.

 

[Silence KId]

most "charming" people are usually putting on a show. In my experience the easier people make friends the more mean they actually are. you have to be superficial to make a good first impression.

 

[Bluey]

most "charming" people are usually putting on a show. In my experience the easier people make friends the more mean they actually are. you have to be superficial to make a good first impression.

Maybe. But maybe them ppl that make friends so easily have to many friends and try and spread themselves out to thin. Inadequately if you make to many friends then there is going to be some ppl that get let down. kinder like being a victim of your own popularity. Well-I Guss its like this for some lucky ppl out there.

 

[Silence KId]

most "charming" people are usually putting on a show. In my experience the easier people make friends the more mean they actually are. you have to be superficial to make a good first impression.

Maybe. But maybe them ppl that make friends so easily have to many friends and try and spread themselves out to thin. Inadequately if you make to many friends then there is going to be some ppl that get let down. kinder like being a victim of your own popularity. Well-I Guss its like this for some lucky ppl out there.

I guess thats true. if you can make friends easily why would you value one, who is so easily replaceable

 

[DayvanCowboy]

most "charming" people are usually putting on a show. In my experience the easier people make friends the more mean they actually are. you have to be superficial to make a good first impression.

Maybe. But maybe them ppl that make friends so easily have to many friends and try and spread themselves out to thin. Inadequately if you make to many friends then there is going to be some ppl that get let down. kinder like being a victim of your own popularity. Well-I Guss its like this for some lucky ppl out there.

I agree. Some people I know who have lots of friends don't really have 'best' or 'life long' friends. They just jump from group to group and never ever feel a true connection of a certain type of closeness for them to really be comfortable with the ones that they socialize with.