Forgiveness?

[user 188522]

Do you forgive people?
My answer is No. I wish I did, but I don't.

 

[Finished]

Do you forgive people?
My answer is No. I wish I did, but I don't.

I like you. I hope I don't do something mean to you unintentionally or not. How about pre-forgiveness?

Personally, I forgive over time. But, I hold onto grudges for a very long time.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yes, I forgive people. But, to me, forgiveness isn't for THEM, it's for ME. So I can carry on with my life without THEIR honeysuckle weighing me down. I would rather let go of that honeysuckle and move on from it than constantly dwell on it and have it impact my life for a long time. It's just not worth it.

 

[TogetherAlone]

Kinda depends on the thing that happened/was done, some things I can forgive, other things take me a long time to forgive if at all. If it happens more then once though then I'll never forgive

 

[user 188522]

Yes, I forgive people. But, to me, forgiveness isn't for THEM, it's for ME. So I can carry on with my life without THEIR honeysuckle weighing me down. I would rather let go of that honeysuckle and move on from it than constantly dwell on it and have it impact my life for a long time. It's just not worth it.

I wish I could feel like you. I do.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I wish I could feel like you. I do.

Oh trust me, I didn't always feel that way. It just takes work. Focus on today, focus on other honeysuckle, live for you. It will come eventually.

 

[ringwood]

Yes, I forgive people. But, to me, forgiveness isn't for THEM, it's for ME. So I can carry on with my life without THEIR honeysuckle weighing me down. I would rather let go of that honeysuckle and move on from it than constantly dwell on it and have it impact my life for a long time. It's just not worth it.

Yep! Exactly this. Life is too short to hold grudges - what's the point? Just weighs down your own mental health - better to just forgive and forget and get on with life.

 

[randomguy]

Yes, I forgive people. But, to me, forgiveness isn't for THEM, it's for ME. So I can carry on with my life without THEIR honeysuckle weighing me down. I would rather let go of that honeysuckle and move on from it than constantly dwell on it and have it impact my life for a long time. It's just not worth it.

Spot on, for me forgiveness simply means choosing to let go of my anger, hurt, and desire for vengeance.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I was always very forgiving, generally. Very rarely was there even the need to forgive, I just never held on to upsets against people, except maybe myself.

Now, however, I can't let go of things. I don't know why, and I despise it.

 

[Finished]

I was always very forgiving, generally. Very rarely was there even the need to forgive, I just never held on to upsets against people, except maybe myself.

Now, however, I can't let go of things. I don't know why, and I despise it.

Maybe it's because after one keeps getting slammed in one way or another they naturally build defenses against that from happening again. IMO, many people have grudges to varying degrees and don't realize it or want to admit to it. After all the montra is to not hold grudges. But the montra is also to be nice to everybody and that's not followed a lot of the time.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Maybe it's because after one keeps getting slammed in one way or another they naturally build defenses against that from happening again. IMO, many people have grudges to varying degrees and don't realize it or want to admit to it. After all the montra is to not hold grudges. But the montra is also to be nice to everybody and that's not followed a lot of the time.

Well a multitude of things can contribute.
1: the beaten dog syndrome. After enough of it, the dog acquires the instinct to expect that treatment in all interactions, so it must be unlearned.
2: environmental factors are another. Long term psychiatric drug use, alcohol use, psychedelics, stimulants. These drugs are tools which can have benefits; but, they can also have short and long term negative effects: alterations in brain matter, strengthened and weakened neural pathways, metabolic changes (short and long term), fitness changes, etc.. etc..
3: inherited tendencies. For example, some one may be naturally agreeable; but, under the right conditions, circumstances, environment, and proper lengths of time; they might be pushed into a very different modus operandi. Likewise, some one who is naturally disagreeable, dominant, loud, etc., under the right conditions, might find themselves to become primarily quite sheepish, and timid.
4: biological changes. Menapause might contribute to a personality change. Thyroid problems might contribute to a personality change. A chronic pain syndrome might contribute to a predisposition to despair and hopelessness. A very stressful job or work environment might contribute to a short temper and irritability. A stroke can cause you to forget things you have no memory of actively learning, etc..

With all that being said, and what little I do know; perhaps, cultivating patience, is a good alternative when one has trouble struggling to forgive or let go of things. If there was a way to cultivate forgetfulness, I wonder if that wouldn't be useful as well. Or, perhaps cultivating compassion, is the best way to go.

I think a lot of people these days are struggling in this domain, and I do wonder if it doesn't have to do more with some sort of environmental cause, rather than things we perceive to have experienced, and things we perceive as being some what in our control.

An interesting comparison is one of the years in which gasoline was leaded, and the years in which violent crime rates were highest; there is correlation there. Correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation; but, it can be curious some times.

I remember what it was like, however, to feel for others, even those who hurt me; and my life was much more peaceful and beautiful then.

 

[user 148069]

Do you forgive people?
My answer is No. I wish I did, but I don't.

depends on what was done. If they abused, manipulate, bully and gaslight then I remember that for years and I find those very hard to forgive and forget.
I mean unless those people pay my medical bills or therapy fees why should I forgive them? The more I try and force myself to forgive them the more angry I get at what certain people did to me so I guess letting the anger just run its course feels like a better option. I don't really act on those angry feelings but just acknowledge that I feel hurt. I just hope time can heal all wounds as they say.

 

[Adamridge79]

I don't so much as forgive, than to just realize analyzing the past is energy I don't need to waste. Regardless, it's sad, it happened, and it's a shame. My daily life doesn't change. I know, forgiveness is for your well being...but, does it really change things? Just don't be fooled the third time...there's no catchy anecdotes for that

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Im a forgiving cookie, I like to move on and deal with the new day sometimes people wanna take advantage of that, they are cruel to me because they know i’ll forgive them

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I forgive quite easily, perhaps too easily.
I think, I do so because it is easy for me to understand both the ignorance and the arrogance of other humans, as a result of a reaction to their deeper fears.
I mean, death is the punchline of life, right?
That's what it all surmounts to.
The only people I really know that handle it in a non-toxic way, are Monastic Buddhists, usually the ones that you see rare interviews with who were born and raised in Tibet.

The Rational Mind, is no longer rational and thinking clearly, when it is clouded by emotionally-driven instinct.
It is normal for every human to trip over this. I don't even claim perfection or total lucidity.
Being emotional is part of what makes us human, but if we are not careful it can also be what leads us to destroy ourselves.

It is easier to blindly dislike or hate, than it is to rationalize, forgive, and learn to love regardless.
That is one of the greatest challenges in life, and everybody digests it differently and in different doses accordingly.

Mind you, I forgive easily, but I don't really forget...
I don't carry the weight forever, because that does me no good.
But I also don't put myself in the same compromised position again.

Because if you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, people will **** sure take advantage of you in life.
More often than not with younger generations this has become more and more of a prevalent thing.

So very often what happens is that I end up with friends and friendships, and even within my own family bonds, making emotional attachments, but also having to micromanage, limit and control my emotional attachments, because I understand this for what it unfortunately is:

Humans are only products of their environment, that's all that we can be.
But most humans, don't keep that in the cognitive forefront.
And therein lies the conundrum, conflict and problem.

It's a Hell of a dance.

 

[Sir Joseph]

TheRealCallie has made an excellent point that others here affirm - that forgiving is a way of letting go of hurt and anger from within ourselves. I agree with that premise but suggest that it's a secondary benefit of forgiveness, not the primary purpose.

As a Christian, I know that we "should" forgive others because God forgives us for our many sins and clearly says that we must follow his example of forgiving others if we expect to be forgiven ourselves. This make sense, though it's hard to do of course for most of us.

Even if you're not a believer of God's word, I expect most everyone can remember a time when they pulled out in traffic in front of someone, cut in line somewhere because they were in a real hurry, said something stupid and hurtful at a gathering, lied, cheated, or committed some other unintended wrong against another - realizing it afterwards and hoping for pardon or forgiveness.
The concept is the same, whether it's recognizing the forgiveness that God's already offered for everyone through Christ's sacrifice on the cross, or it's seeking the forgiveness from others who we've personally wronged. When we forgive others, we glorify God and show unconditional love, whether we realize it or not. The "me" benefit is real, but shouldn't be the driving motivation as some popular prosperity preachers teach.

For anyone that struggles with anger, a lingering heartache of being wronged by someone, or just needs reinforced motivation to be a more forgiving person, I offer this excellent video sermon reference.

 

[user 136944]

Hi there... A reply above hit the nail on the head. Forgiveness is for You, and not about them.. forgiving is not forgetting, it is simply you being able to remember and acknowledge the wrong that was done to you, but not having that wrong 'control' you or your emotions any more.
'A life without forgiveness, is a fate worse than death' : Mr Miyagi, of the karate kid.