FrejectionrerejectionMrejectionrejectionL

[SighX99]

fresia my life, I have gotten rejected at least 3 to 4 girls so far. We go on a date, then she tries to avoid me or just simply deal with me, despite my efforts to want to have something more.

so fuckin over it. fresia my life

 

[9006]

Sorry to hear about that, but life isn't all about being successful with girls. From the sounds of it this has recently happened, if so try to give yourself some time to get some perspective.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Sigh, I feel your pain, man. F rejection, I say that all the time. My dating life is the same sad story. The times I meet girls that interest me/turn me on are few and far between...we're talking YEARS here. At least you've been on dates, I'm 27 and have yet to go on so much as one real date. I hate rejection as well, because it really hits me where I live - I want to be a person who gets what they want, in all aspects of life.

I can't advise you, since you're actually getting further than I do. But your problem makes me wonder - these girls you go for, where do you meet them? What kinds of girls are they? Do they just have the look you like, or do you have stuff in common with them as well? If it's just looks, that might be your problem. Without stuff to talk about, it's hard to make a connection. I tried to get this one girl to like me for six years (stupid, I know, but whatever) before realizing that the problem was we had very little in common and that's why all of our conversations failed to pick up any momentum. That's one thing I actually like about online dating - you can see a person's profile and tell right away if you're going to have anything to talk about or not.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

I can't advise you, since you're actually getting further than I do. But your problem makes me wonder - these girls you go for, where do you meet them? What kinds of girls are they? Do they just have the look you like, or do you have stuff in common with them as well? If it's just looks, that might be your problem. Without stuff to talk about, it's hard to make a connection. I tried to get this one girl to like me for six years (stupid, I know, but whatever) before realizing that the problem was we had very little in common and that's why all of our conversations failed to pick up any momentum.

SighX99, I agree with TheSkaFish. Tell us a little bit about these girls, how you met them, and why you wanted a relationship with each of them. Yes, rejection hurts, but there is always a reason why we get rejected, even if it's a stupid or shallow one. If you provide the details, maybe you'll be able to tap into the "hive mind" that is ALL and figure out what you can do better next time.

That's one thing I actually like about online dating - you can see a person's profile and tell right away if you're going to have anything to talk about or not.

I've found that simply having a lot in common doesn't necessarily create chemistry with somebody. I believe that there is an emotional or personality element about how we relate to others that is hard to quantify on a dating site with their age checkboxes and whatnot. I think that it would be pretty cool if dating sites had options for picking your personality type, like with the Myers-Briggs type for example. Maybe some sites already do this, but I've never heard of them.

Some more info on that....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator

I'm an INTP, by the way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You can't make someone be with you. You can't make anyone like you. All you can do is put yourself out there, present yourself in a true light so that people who do notice you will have a chance to get to know you, and have that opportunity to like you. It's not something that can be forced. If someone doesn't want to continue something, be it a friendship or a relationship of some sort, then be thankful that they're not being fake about it. I'd rather not be with someone than for them to have a sense of falsified happiness.

 

[nerdygirl]

That's one thing I actually like about online dating - you can see a person's profile and tell right away if you're going to have anything to talk about or not.

I've found that simply having a lot in common doesn't necessarily create chemistry with somebody. I believe that there is an emotional or personality element about how we relate to others that is hard to quantify on a dating site with their age checkboxes and whatnot. I think that it would be pretty cool if dating sites had options for picking your personality type, like with the Myers-Briggs type for example. Maybe some sites already do this, but I've never heard of them.

Sure, but you must have both- things in common and compatible personalities. I've noticed that for people who are into the Myers- Briggs thing, a lot of them list that in their profiles.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You can't make someone be with you. You can't make anyone like you. All you can do is put yourself out there, present yourself in a true light so that people who do notice you will have a chance to get to know you, and have that opportunity to like you. It's not something that can be forced. If someone doesn't want to continue something, be it a friendship or a relationship of some sort, then be thankful that they're not being fake about it. I'd rather not be with someone than for them to have a sense of falsified happiness.

This, exactly. The more I delve into dating sites, the more I see this (what Nilla is talking about).
Just last week I went out with a guy from eharmony. We'd already been talking on line and then on the phone a couple of times over about a two week period.
The dinner and the convo were good, as was the company. He was very kind and courteous. He took me home and walked me to my door, where he hugged me and told me he enjoyed the evening.
But...for some reason, I entered my mind at that very moment, that I'd never hear from him again. Well, it's been a full week and not so much as a text (he was texting me a couple of times a day, every day before we went out).
I doubt I'll ever see him again unless I just happen to run into him some place.
It sort of bothered me that he didn't bother to at least call me and say that he didnt think we'd suit or something, instead of ignoring me.
I think he's the kind of guy who would just ignore you rather than possibly saying something to hurt your feelings.
So...my point for sharing this bit of personal info is explain that a lot of times you aren't going to know why the girl you went out with last week didn't want a second date. Just as I easily accepted that he didn't feel I was right for him, moved on, you should try to do the same. I have no doubt that the guy I've mentioned her likely thinks I'm a good person - I just think there was something about me that made him decide not to call me back. I'm ok with that. Somehow, I think it will become easier when it happens again (and I'm sure it will) for me to just keep moving right along.
When you think about it, it's really not wrong for someone to decide that you aren't who they are looking for. Take it at face value and move forward. Sometimes you just aren't going to know why the person rejected you as a partner. Note I said as a partner, not a person.
look over any typos - I'm using my phone.

 

[ardour]

You can't make someone be with you. You can't make anyone like you. All you can do is put yourself out there, present yourself in a true light so that people who do notice you will have a chance to get to know you, and have that opportunity to like you. It's not something that can be forced. If someone doesn't want to continue something, be it a friendship or a relationship of some sort, then be thankful that they're not being fake about it. I'd rather not be with someone than for them to have a sense of falsified happiness.

This, exactly. The more I delve into dating sites, the more I see this (what Nilla is talking about).
Just last week I went out with a guy from eharmony. We'd already been talking on line and then on the phone a couple of times over about a two week period.
The dinner and the convo were good, as was the company. He was very kind and courteous. He took me home and walked me to my door, where he hugged me and told me he enjoyed the evening.
But...for some reason, I entered my mind at that very moment, that I'd never hear from him again. Well, it's been a full week and not so much as a text (he was texting me a couple of times a day, every day before we went out).
I doubt I'll ever see him again unless I just happen to run into him some place.
It sort of bothered me that he didn't bother to at least call me and say that he didnt think we'd suit or something, instead of ignoring me.
I think he's the kind of guy who would just ignore you rather than possibly saying something to hurt your feelings.
So...my point for sharing this bit of personal info is explain that a lot of times you aren't going to know why the girl you went out with last week didn't want a second date. Just as I easily accepted that he didn't feel I was right for him, moved on, you should try to do the same. I have no doubt that the guy I've mentioned her likely thinks I'm a good person - I just think there was something about me that made him decide not to call me back. I'm ok with that. Somehow, I think it will become easier when it happens again (and I'm sure it will) for me to just keep moving right along.
When you think about it, it's really not wrong for someone to decide that you aren't who they are looking for. Take it at face value and move forward. Sometimes you just aren't going to know why the person rejected you as a partner. Note I said as a partner, not a person.
look over any typos - I'm using my phone.

It doesn't sound like you were that enthusiastic about him in the first place Eve, otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy accept ("I'm okay with that")
Who knows, maybe he's waiting for you to call him this time.

 

[jaguarundi]

^I think it sounds more like our Eve is making an effort not to be really disappointed?

But looking at everything Eve said this stands out hugely:--

Sometimes you just aren't going to know why the person rejected you as a partner. Note I said as a partner, not a person.

And that is huge to remember when dating. It's a bit like those films when the mafia hitman says 'Its business - it's not personal' before giving the victim two in the chest and one between the eyes

It just is so easy to be devastated, like the OP when you get rejected as a potential SO. It does NOT mean as a person. If you regard dating as a bit like a business - the 'business' of finding a mate, then some mergers are going to happen, some not. You just keep looking around for more business opportunities to leverage until you find the right one.

I know that may sound a bit cold, but a lot of people fall for someone with whom (they hope) to have a life partnership, with less thought than they would expend on buying a new car, then wonder why it goes wrong. . .

 

[kamya]

fresia my life, I have gotten rejected at least 3 to 4 girls so far. We go on a date, then she tries to avoid me or just simply deal with me, despite my efforts to want to have something more.

so fuckin over it. fresia my life

Don't worry. You'll get used to it. You'll get used to the lies. You'll get used to being led on. You'll get used to being ignored. Eventually it won't be as big of a deal for you as it is now.

I know it's not really happy news to hear but unless you somehow get really lucky then it's going to keep happening. A lot. That's just something we have to deal with if we want to find someone. It sucks, but you get used to it.

 

[OnlyMe]

From my experience rejection always hurts, more so when you really, really like the other person.

I know that some people find it easier just to stop contact and not give a reason for why they aren't interested.

Personally I would rather know the reason why they aren't interested.
The not knowing drives me crazy.

 

[EveWasFramed]

It doesn't sound like you were that enthusiastic about him in the first place Eve, otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy accept ("I'm okay with that")
Who knows, maybe he's waiting for you to call him this time.

You couldnt be more wrong Im afraid.
He was VERY nice, we shared a number of things in common, including our views on religion (which is unusual). He was obviously a wonderful father to his children, easy going, smiled often and had great manners. I was very enthusiastic about him.
No, he isn't waiting for me to call him either. The following day, I sent an email thanking him for the dinner and good conversation. I never got any kind of reply.

So, Im not sure how you jumped to the conclusions you did, but they are completely wrong.

 

[SighX99]

I meet these girls in classes. They are usually nice girls, not like hot looking but not bad looking. I don't try and go for looks, but more compatibility. seems that they are always giving me cold shoulders. Or I'd be like o hey you are on campus lets hangout. and they wouldn't text me back even if I texted her second time. then they would text me and say "o got done hanging with my friends, I'm leaving, see ya."

Or i would text them and say ya it would be nice to hangout again, then they ignore my text completely, i would try to text them again awhile later, still no response. then the next day i text them this one girl said oops forgot to text you back sorry. WTF i feel like I'm texting myself sometimes. IM SUCH A FUCKIN LOSER

or bring their friends at the last minute on a supposed date. Or not letting me talk to them one on one alone. either they leave after I leave or be on their phone...

I just don't get girls.... why they treat me like this, always ignoring me or not care. showing me obvious signs that they like me and then when I try to make a move they shut me down. they seem like nice girls too.

I'm just so broken right now... so much rejection in one week. i guess I just gotta keep on trucking.

How do I approach girls when I have really nice conversation with them in class, should I ask them out like straight like "I would like to hangout sometimes" or "Lets go out, you are cute and we connect", like what should I say? what happens if we did start talking and she ignores me? seems like thats always the case.

 

[ABrokenMan]

In high school, my pals never had time to hang with me anymore - they found girlfriends. So, I tried to find one. However, I got rejected every time I got up the nerve to ask, at least a dozen times. It got to be a running joke among the class, my zero for 11 or zero for 12. You know how gossip is.
Wasn't any improvement when I went to college. It didn't help that I had just suffered through a life-changing bad event, and my self-esteem was completely gone. i did try, but, again, no girl was ever interested. Only one, when I was a junior. She came on to me pretty strong, I was a bit blind to it at first, but I finally had my first ever date at 20 years of age. My first kiss later that night. When I asked her out again, she sort of said, "i'll think about it". She eventually latched on to another guy. She wrote me a note telling me she just wanted to show me that there was hope in life - I was, I translated, a charity case for her. That again messed me up pretty good.

Over 25 years later, nothing has changed. so, it must be me that is the problem. I'm not good enough, or ever good enough. Every decision I make is the wrong one. Do the opposite, well, that doesn't work either. Why even bother trying anymore, especially after recent events which ended up with me left holding the bag of feelings once again. I've poured them out onto the ground for the last time. I may sound bitter, but I've learned how to be so, until I check out for good, sooner rather than later.

So, yeah, you never really get used to it, continuously failing in relationships. Sometimes it is better to not even try.

 

[ardour]

No, he isn't waiting for me to call him either. The following day, I sent an email thanking him for the dinner and good conversation. I never got any kind of reply.

A reply, at least a short one acknowledgement your e-mail, would have been polite.

 

[SighX99]

In high school, my pals never had time to hang with me anymore - they found girlfriends. So, I tried to find one. However, I got rejected every time I got up the nerve to ask, at least a dozen times. It got to be a running joke among the class, my zero for 11 or zero for 12. You know how gossip is.
Wasn't any improvement when I went to college. It didn't help that I had just suffered through a life-changing bad event, and my self-esteem was completely gone. i did try, but, again, no girl was ever interested. Only one, when I was a junior. She came on to me pretty strong, I was a bit blind to it at first, but I finally had my first ever date at 20 years of age. My first kiss later that night. When I asked her out again, she sort of said, "i'll think about it". She eventually latched on to another guy. She wrote me a note telling me she just wanted to show me that there was hope in life - I was, I translated, a charity case for her. That again messed me up pretty good.

Over 25 years later, nothing has changed. so, it must be me that is the problem. I'm not good enough, or ever good enough. Every decision I make is the wrong one. Do the opposite, well, that doesn't work either. Why even bother trying anymore, especially after recent events which ended up with me left holding the bag of feelings once again. I've poured them out onto the ground for the last time. I may sound bitter, but I've learned how to be so, until I check out for good, sooner rather than later.

So, yeah, you never really get used to it, continuously failing in relationships. Sometimes it is better to not even try.

I am starting to feel this way... but I guess i should get used to rejection (or maybe its not rejection, it's just time consuming for girls to start loving me?) maybe I am too hard on myself. but seriously they play some sick mind games.

 

[CHSlater]

>THE GIRL< I like suddenly started text me after a year of silence (she entered in a relationship). She seemed sad and started to send me craps like "I never told how much I like you...". We started to spend the break (we study at the same college), and this time, more than never, I really thought I stood a chance with her. She told me I was everything a girl looks for (good looking, smart, sucessful...). But again, she started to ignore me, and once again I didn't even get to know the reason.

Two things I learned from this experience: ¹you WON'T get a girl for being nice with her, you just don't have what she wants you to have.
²IMO there is no point on finding out the why you got rejected. You should stop searching for someone to make you happy, and start being yourself, because when you find a girl who like you for who you are, you and her will make each other happy (the effort won't come just from one side).

 

[OnlyMe]

Just came across this article, thought it was relevant to the topic

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/he...-to-cope-with-it/story-fniym3t1-1226855270487

This Is Why Rejection Hurts — and How To Cope With It

March 14, 2014 12:04PM

I’VE experienced it. You’ve experienced it. Even U2 has experienced it. Yet every time it happens, we’re reminded again how not fun it is to be rejected.

Rejection knows no bounds, invading social, romantic and job situations alike. And it feels terrible because “it communicates the sense to somebody that they’re not loved or not wanted, or not in some way valued,” explains Geraldine Downey, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Columbia University whose research is focused on rejection.

Plus, the more people learn to expect rejection and become concerned about it, the more sensitive they are to it — which can eventually lead to self-rejection, Downey tells HuffPost. “It makes you feel bad about yourself, and it makes you feel like nobody wants to be around you. It makes you feel angry.”

Indeed, Guy Winch, Ph.D., a HuffPost blogger, psychologist and author, notes that many times the rejection does 50 per cent of the damage and we do the other 50 per cent of the damage. “We start with this high volume of negative self-talk and criticism that takes the rejection to another level,” he says.

THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE HURT

The human experience of rejection goes back to our ancient roots, says Winch, who is the author of Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies For Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injures (Hudson Street Press, 2013). He has a chapter in his book dedicated specifically to rejection.

“When we were hunter-gatherers and living in tribes, the price of ostracism was pretty much death,” Winch tells HuffPost. “You wouldn’t survive without your tribe; you wouldn’t have the warmth of hearth, the protection of fire.” Therefore, he explains, we developed an early warning system — the feeling of rejection — to alert us when we might be at risk for ostracism. The more painful the experience of rejection, the more likely humans were to change their behaviour to avoid ostracism, and be able to survive and pass on their genes. Meanwhile, “those who didn’t experience [rejection] as painful were less likely to correct [their] behaviour and pass along their genes.”

And then there’s the fact that humans are social animals — which makes rejection all the more emotionally painful.

“It’s a form of shunning ... so anything that keeps us out of the group in an overt way, we’re going to have a hard time with,” he says. “It’s an important aspect of who we are.”

There’s a physiological basis to the pain of rejection, too. Research shows that rejection triggers the same brain pathways that are activated when we experience physical pain, Winch says.

Indeed, a 2011 brain imaging study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows that social rejection and physical pain both prompt activity in the brain regions of the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula. And a study published this year in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience shows that the posterior insular cortex and secondary somatosensory cortex parts of the brain are activated both when we experience social rejection and when we witness others experiencing social rejection.

A small study from University of Michigan Medical School researchers also showed that the brain’s mu-opioid receptor system releases natural painkillers, or opioids, in response to social pain. This happens to be the same system that releases opioids in the face of physical pain.

There is also some evidence that social rejection isn’t benign when it comes to health. A small study in the journal Clinical Psychological Science showed an association between the beginning processes of inflammation and rejection in teen girls at risk for depression. And as neuroscience journalist Maia Szalavitz points out in a Reuters blog post, childhood bullying — which at its core involves elements of rejection and ostracism — has been linked with depression rates, crime and reduced employment.

IDENTIFYING THE HARDEST-HIT

Everyone is sensitive to rejection, to a point. And when people feel bad or have other things go wrong in their lives, they may be even more vulnerable to rejection, explains Downey.

But still, some people do seem to be more sensitive to rejection than others. As Winch points out, self-esteem plays an important role.

“Research says that people whose self-esteem is lower will experience rejection as more painful, and it’ll take them a little longer to get over it,” he says. Meanwhile, those who have higher self-esteem — but who aren’t narcissists — tend to be more resilient.

Downey also notes that people who are sensitive to rejection may fall into patterns of behaviour that only make the rejection worse. For instance, she says, if a rejection-sensitive person is having a conversation where he experiences rejection, he may stop paying attention during the rest of the interaction because he’s become so preoccupied with the rejection.

“They’re trying to think about ‘How can I get myself out of this situation?’ when really, that person may be giving you cues a little bit later in the conversation that everything is OK,” she explains. “For rejection-sensitive people, it may be self-protective to take your mind out of there, but it may not be good for your relationship or your interaction.”

This same avoidance tactic can also backfire. “When people are sensitive to rejection they tend to avoid a situation in which they can experience it,” which then puts them at a higher risk for loneliness, Winch says. “They are more at risk for developing anxiety around social situations because the more we avoid something, the more anxious it makes us.”

A real-world example: A rejection-sensitive person who has a strong desire to find a significant other may decide to give online dating a try. But after several “Nos” in response to requests for dates, she may take the rejections hard and decide to eschew online dating altogether. However, this doesn’t help with finding a significant other.

So how can you tell if you’re rejection-sensitive or not? Deep down, you probably already know. “You just need to be honest with yourself about whether you’re avoiding situations because you’re concerned or because you don’t want to deal with rejection,” Winch says.

HOW TO NOT LET REJECTION GET THE BEST OF YOU

There’s two ways to best rejection: Not letting it bother you in the first place, and then minimising its effects after it’s wreaked its havoc.

The former proves the value of building resilience, Winch notes. He offers up a quick five-to-10-minute exercise that can help you to build resilience in the face of a potentially rejection-filled situation (such as a first date or job interview).

Using a date as an example, first make a list of five qualities you possess that a dating prospect would find valuable. For instance, are you considerate? A good listener? Are you emotionally available? Then, choose one of these qualities, and write one or two paragraphs about why this particular quality is important and why it would be meaningful to another person.

“Studies show that when you do that and remind yourself of your worth, then you are more resilient to rejection that comes thereafter,” Winch says, though he notes that this method would likely work only for immediately approaching situations (in other words, don’t do this expecting effects for a situation occurring a year out).

Winch also recommends the tactic of reminding yourself of how much you are loved. For instance, children who have been bullied at school could benefit greatly from having friends come over to hang out immediately after the bullying event. “That will remind them immediately, ‘No, there are people who value you, who care about you, and you do belong somewhere.’ That reminder is really important, so you want to address those wounds,” he says.

Another good tactic for dealing with rejection is to keep in mind that it’s not always about you. “Try to move yourself out of the immediate feelings that you have, and think about what might be going on for the other person,” Downey says. “Are they having a bad day? Is it something that is really directed toward you, or is it something that’s going on with them?”

It’s also important to keep in mind that people change their reactions based on your behaviour toward them. If you expect acceptance and convey positivity, and perhaps come off as more upbeat than you actually are, that can actually change others’ behaviour. “The thing we know is that people who expect acceptance, versus rejection, are more likely to get it,” Downey says. “They may never end up accepting you, but at least you have engaged in the kind of behaviour that draws people toward you. You’re taking control and behaving toward people the way you want them to behave toward you.”

Downey also emphasised the importance of having a good support system if you’re especially sensitive to rejection. Finding someone you can trust to serve as a sounding board can help you gain perspective. “They can use this other person as a sort of reality test,” Downey says. “They can ask, ‘Am I overreacting?’ or “Does this make sense to you?’ And that way, they can get some perspective.”

 

[TheSkaFish]

In high school, my pals never had time to hang with me anymore - they found girlfriends. So, I tried to find one. However, I got rejected every time I got up the nerve to ask, at least a dozen times. It got to be a running joke among the class, my zero for 11 or zero for 12. You know how gossip is.
Wasn't any improvement when I went to college. It didn't help that I had just suffered through a life-changing bad event, and my self-esteem was completely gone. i did try, but, again, no girl was ever interested. Only one, when I was a junior. She came on to me pretty strong, I was a bit blind to it at first, but I finally had my first ever date at 20 years of age. My first kiss later that night. When I asked her out again, she sort of said, "i'll think about it". She eventually latched on to another guy. She wrote me a note telling me she just wanted to show me that there was hope in life - I was, I translated, a charity case for her. That again messed me up pretty good.

Over 25 years later, nothing has changed. so, it must be me that is the problem. I'm not good enough, or ever good enough. Every decision I make is the wrong one. Do the opposite, well, that doesn't work either. Why even bother trying anymore, especially after recent events which ended up with me left holding the bag of feelings once again. I've poured them out onto the ground for the last time. I may sound bitter, but I've learned how to be so, until I check out for good, sooner rather than later.

So, yeah, you never really get used to it, continuously failing in relationships. Sometimes it is better to not even try.

Not to single you out or anything like that, but I do feel that you're defeating yourself, ya know? Unless you have any really bad habits like smoking meth or something, you're probably a better guy than you give yourself credit for. I've never gone on a date either, I used to think that the reason was because I was an ugly weirdo that didn't understand social interactions. And of course, since I believed that narrative, that's how I acted. I didn't shave or wear clothes that expressed myself, I had poor posture and body language, I believed everything was too hard and I couldn't do it, I spoke too softly, and I believed everyone thought negatively of me too (in reality only a few people actually did). So I became an ugly weirdo because that's what I thought was the real "me", not knowing that the real me could have been whatever I decided it was. Now I focus on the good things and tell myself I'm a catch and any woman would be lucky to have me. Nothing has changed outwardly because there's no one in my city that I like - but I FEEL different. Instead of telling myself that I'm a born loser like I used to, I tell myself I'm a catch and I start thinking and acting like one - I get up early, exercise, look for a real job, and believe in my ability to reach my dreams.

I think half of it has got to be mental, I mean, look at the guys who have no trouble - the rockstars, ceos, athletes, actors, or even just guys you know who don't have a hard time with women. I almost guarantee they don't beat themselves up mentally.

There is no real "you" except for what you decide it is. If you are doing some things that you don't think a good guy would do because you don't think you are a good guy, try cutting those things out and see if it doesn't help how you feel. For example, I cut out marijuana completely and I feel much better for it.