Friendless

[Foxxian]

I hope this is in the right spot..

To start I used to have a friend who I had met back in jr high, that was 14 years ago.. We had hit it off rather well, and we became like sisters. People even mistook us as being siblings we do kind of have similiar features.. although she is tall and plump, and I am average and plump.. but we both have wavey hair, and glasses. We of course had our spats, would stop talking for a while, then get back together again...

This time though.. it just feels different. What started it was a comment I had made on FB... I dont smoke, she does. My mother smokes, and was over to help me clean my apartment.. When we were done my mother went toward my balcony, I said "I dont want anyone smoking out there anymore. Its not allowed." My mother muttered something, I dont quite remember, and went out there and smoked anyhow. Its against the terms of my lease to allow anyone to smoke in the building, it could get me kicked out if they are caught. So angry and frustrated I made a post on my FB just to vent a little. My friend took it as an offense and jab at her, where it was actually not even about her or directed at her. She went into a rampage, said alot of rediculous things, such as for example, she compaired second hand smoke to car exhaust. She accused me of being selfish and inconsiderate, said I was trying to control her life.. and on and on with a lot of nonesense.

Anyhow.. I told her she should calm down, step away from the computer and take a breather. She continued, said "We would be both happier if we werent friends." So.. I kind of decided to give her a taste of her own medicin and removed her from my friends.. I just wanted her to cool down. A couple days later she sent me a nasty message.. she said: "I hope you enjoy your life locked up in your apartment. Ever wonder why nobody wants to be around you besides me? Maybe you should take a look in the mirror and realize that the world does NOT revolve around YOU. Maybe if you realize that you'll be able to make some friends. You're just like your mom and your niece. You're a spoiled brat and if you don't get your way you throw a temper tantrum.

That's why mom and dad don't like you. That's why nobody wants to give you a ride to the grocery store. That's EXACTLY what Alyssa told me. You're a selfish spoiled brat and she can't stand to be around you either."

(had that still in my FB messanger even after all this time... i hadnt been back there in a while after this...)

It still really burns.. I was really really hurt after that, and it still makes me want to cry knowing this person who had been my best friend, and only friend, for so long thought so poorly of me just because I didnt want to be smoked around.. I honestly dont see how she sees me as being spoiled.. I cant remember all the times she came crying to me, how many meals I treated her to, dinners I made for her, let her crash at my apartment when she needed it.. I even this year offered to take her to the fair and pay her way fully since I knew at the time she was unemployed..

Anyway.. A couple weeks ago I contacted her again in an attempt to make amends. I didnt point any fingers at her, or call her names... She responded with saying I needed to get help and rambled on with some shrink babble she had gotten from her shrink. She continued to say that I was spoiled and bossy.. I asked her for an example of this and the only thing she told me was thing with the cigerettes.. she accused me of "demonizing" smokers.. where as I have nothing against smokers, I just dont want to breathe in second hand smoke, especially in my own home.. She then went on to say that she was never wrong in any of our arguments, that I was always wrong, and she just pretended to be wrong to appease me... She then went on to say she didnt want to talk to me anymore.. I told her fine, that I wasnt going to sit and be verbally abused and treated so poorly by someone I cared about and loved like a sister. I told her I tried at least... and that was the end of it.

I have a feeling that there is far more to what had happened then just cigerettes.. I think she had been sick of me for a very long time and the comment about cigerettes had been the catalist.. I honestly dont know what I did still to make her hate me so much.. As you can see it still really bothers me.. I miss my best friend, but at this point there is little I can do.. a week ago I even dreamed that we were still friends.. I woke up, realized we werent and started crying..

Sorry for rambling..

 

[Sci-Fi]

Ramble away.

That sucks your long time friendship ended so badly. People sometimes grow apart, and at the moment it sounds like you are better apart for the time being. Maybe she'll come around someday.

I don't know you beyond what you wrote here, and I'm not trying to be hurtful, but there might be some truth to the hurtful things she said. I don't know you so she could be totally wrong, from what you posted it seems like she is. But people who've known us the longest sometimes see things we don't see in ourselves. To find out you can always talk to people who know you and ask them. Be prepared for anything though, but it can really help clear your mind and put you at ease. And sometimes when those people are having a rough time they can say things they don't mean, they are lash out their own behaviour on the one they care about the most. Like a reflection of themselves.

You can get over this, cry yourself out as much as you need to, then just pick yourself back up and continue on with your life. Make some new friends, whatever makes you happy.

 

[Walley]

you know.. my best friend and i had a huge argument a few years ago. we ended up stretching it into a many-months long bitchfest at each other and both of us were so stubborn that every time we tried to make peace it got worse.
we ended up not talking to each other for over 4 years :/
during that time .. i never got over it. the first year was hell and i fell into a depression over it.
then after a while i basically realized that until there was closure it would always haunt me.
so.. i sat down and wrote a long heartfelt email. not talking about what happened.. but just telling how i felt and how the loss in my life effected me. swallowed my pride and stopped trading blame and made the first peaceful move.
and next thing ya know.. we were best friends again.
turns out i wasnt the only one who felt that way even tho she did her best to hide it and act like it didnt matter.
each of us handles things differently.

so if your friend means that much to you.
tell her!
calmly peacefully and sincerely.
leave sorting out the details of the drama until you are both calm and ready to deal with it without anxiety.

 

[Foxxian]

Sci-Fi: I have actually gone through this.. I have asked around, at least online since I was very serious with the title of this thread, and none of my online friends see this behavior she talks about.. I did ask her to give me examples of it so I can try and fix it.. But the only example she gave me was about the cigarettes. She does have mental problems as well.. But she had never acted that way toward me before.. I know she is having a hard time right now, neither of her parents are well. Being the one she came to when she needed a break and to have a shoulder to cry on.. Its just odd she would lash out at me, but as I said.. I guess it was something that grew over time and she finally got sick of me.

Hank2: I did. When I sent her the message to try and mend things, she quickly jumped all over me, said I needed to get help and what she had said, that hurtful message, was to "wake me up". I ignored most of what she said, used very soft words to try and work things out.. But she really wouldnt let it go, continued to insist I was wrong and that it was my fault. I waited a month to contact her, since I figured that was long enough. I didnt put blame on her, I told her we had had a misunderstanding and that neither of us were wrong. Somehow she got from that that I was pointing fingers at her and blaming her for everything.. when in this situation no one was to blame really.. She had over reacted to something that didnt involve her.

I have a problem with this sort of conflict.. Its confusing, since I dont understand it.. Her behavior is just weird, weirder then usual anyway, and so even though we arent speaking and the friendship seems to be over it still bothers me.. I suppose after a while it will go away, and whats done is done.. There are plans of moving and so once I move that will be it. No making up, and no way to make amends. The other problem is that knowing her so well.. she wont try and make up with me. I tried already, and feel ok with having tried at least.. its just crummy all around.

 

[IgnoredOne]

She's a fucktard. You and your lungs are better off without her.

 

[Walley]

Hank2: I did. When I sent her the message to try and mend things, she quickly jumped all over me, said I needed to get help and what she had said, that hurtful message, was to "wake me up". I ignored most of what she said, used very soft words to try and work things out.. But she really wouldnt let it go, continued to insist I was wrong and that it was my fault. I waited a month to contact her, since I figured that was long enough. I didnt put blame on her, I told her we had had a misunderstanding and that neither of us were wrong. Somehow she got from that that I was pointing fingers at her and blaming her for everything.. when in this situation no one was to blame really.. She had over reacted to something that didnt involve her

I can also sympathize with that. I may have made it sound like I had an easier time with it than it really was though, because it didnt work the first try..
as I said, we stayed apart for 4 years by the end of it.. and there was no reconcilliation for well over a year. my first attempts were met with hostility just as you were. she wasnt quite ready to make up at that point and that fact upset me even more. it felt like she didnt care about the friendship as much as i did. but then after a while and a few more times of crossing each others path, we got back on msn and talked calmly and semi-made up. but honestly, at that moment I was still upset about the whole thing and wasnt myself. it just felt awkward and the trust between us was gone. but at least we had some closure and the anger between us had faded away. so we basically went our seperate ways for quite a while. until one day when I got a new laptop and was setting up my email and msn live, when I logged in and she was there. so i sent a message. next thing I know we are right back to where we were before any of the stupidity happened.

i'm telling you all this not as a guide on how to deal with it, but as an example of how even the most volatile disagreements that can push friends so far apart that it's hard to imagine them comming back together.. can still be mended. infact I am still to this day shocked that we managed to come back together. and really the only reason that we did is becase we never truly gave up. especially me.
even during the times that we seemed to be worlds apart, i still sent her an email at xmas and on her birthdays, tried to keep up on where she was and what she was up to just so we wouldnt completely lose track. I ignored any hurtful things she said to me during those dark times, and she never made attempts to send me xmas or bday greetings or anything like that. but that is just how she is and always was like that so i didnt take it personally.
I am the kind that can be flamming mad and upset, and at the end of a rant I may throw in something like: even after all this you will always be in my heart and never be replaced.
sometimes she even questioned how i can be so upset yet still make caring comments, to which I would say that: just because I hate the things you've done does not mean I hate you. I can be pissed off completely at someone i love without losing affection for them.
so basically what i'm saying is..
dont worry about what she says or how she acts when she's upset, or even how long it takes to make a mends. just think about how you feel and if it seems worth it to you to hang onto to this friendship.
if the answer is yes, it means alot to you and you dont want to do without her in your life, then don't you let go. hang on and persevere.
just do your best to gain closure for both of you and she will come around.

 

[LonelyL]

She's a fucktard. You and your lungs are better off without her.

I couldn't have said it better myself!