Friendship Anxiety

[windowsill]

I'm at a point in my life where I've lost everyone. Real Life friends have been gone for years, many years, but lately even friends online have disappeared. Because of this history, I'm extremely angsty about every action I have with people. I harp on every comment and reaction I get. It's pathetic to the point, whenever I get a comment on facebook from someone, I already begin to fantasize if theres a possibility of a friendship there. Along with that, I get very self conscious about my interaction, for example, if I make a joke and don't get an immediate response of laughter about it, I'll worry constantly until I do, worrying that I ofended the person and pushed away someone else. I know its a ridiculous way to think, but I can't help it.

 

[Tex Is Lost]

First off, welcome, you've come to the right place. This has been, in my experience, a very open and accepting environment. You will find a myriad of styles, opinions, comments, and replies.
So fear not. Jump in. Speak your heart and mind.

 

[edgecrusher]

i know how you feel. i tend to over analyze everything. i always wonder how people will take something that i say and my mind goes over like every outcome whether it be very good or very bad. but it does dwell on the bad outcomes. i always worry that i come across weird or maybe upset them somehow.

 

[Dehydra]

Welcome, windowsill.
Add one more to the club. My social self is so fragile that my mood is adversely affected if no one comments on a link I post at Facebook ! And my mood goes up when multiple people comment.
And after real life interactions such as parties or other get-togethers, I'm prone to revisit conversations with a fine toothed comb to be sure I didn't say something which could be misunderstood, hurt someone's feelings, make me look lame, etc.

 

[windowsill]

I do the very same things dehydra, I over analyze every situation, I do the same thing on facebook, if no one comments on something after a while I'll even delete it. I also replay entire conversations in my mind to see where I went wrong.

 

[Dehydra]

Windowsill,
Talk about the unfortunate ironies in life: here we are discussing the insecurities of having our postings unanswered, and I didn't see yours to respond, til now !

I'm really sorry about that; my emails were congested with holiday offers today.

I have deleted some of my Facebook posts now and then, too. In fact, on the occasions when no one comments or "Like"s one, I have had to muster some grit to leave it posted.

Here's something interesting ...painful shyness has been the condition of many brilliant persons. One example is the writer Marcel Proust. He was so shy that he would go to the homes even of very close friends, as per THEIR INVITATION, and lose his nerve at the last minute. He would turn around and walk back out to the street, and have to find the courage to try again.

 

[Tex Is Lost]

I do the very same things dehydra, I over analyze every situation, I do the same thing on facebook, if no one comments on something after a while I'll even delete it. I also replay entire conversations in my mind to see where I went wrong.

And I thuoght I was the only one who deleted Facebook and other posts if I received no comment or response. I guess we all have a need for acknowledgment or validation.
Why is that I wonder.

 

[HappyYogi]

I am in my 40's and I have friendship anxiety. I am sure this has to do with people coming and going out of my life. I also worry if I said the wrong thing or turned others off. My fear is them abandoning me for little reason or simply because I am not worth it to them.

I am reading that book "Lonely". Great book, highly recommended. In it says that people who experienced divorce of their parents before 6 often have loneliness issues or abandonment issues. For the longest time I thought that was ancient history and had little effect on my emotional make up but after reading there is a connection between loneliness and lack of relationship security to early divorce of parents before 6, I re thought things. I now see that made a HUGE impact on me and it's one of the reasons I have been insecure about my worth for most my life, socially anxious, needing to please and be accepted, feared abandonment and developed regular loneliness.

I've gotten better with age, though. Although I really crave more conversation, caring and sharing in my life, I am less insecure. That is because I have changed my thoughts and reiterate why I am a nice, worthwhile person.

Windowsill...don't give up. A lot of this stuff is part of your emotional make up that you just have to figure out how to heal. I suggest affirmations and changing self talk and perhaps looking into your past that may have caused this. Then, take steps to build self- esteem and a belief that you are OK as you are and worth loving.

By the way, I am in my early 40s. Anyone else here around my age??? I have a sense that this forum is mostly very young people...which is OK, of course. Just wondering if there are older people here?

 

[Abbottron]

Windowsill, I believe your opening post perfectly described how I think as well! I analyze conversations with people for the possibility of friendship. If the room goes dead silent after a comment I made, I feel out of place. And I truly over think the chance of a relationship when I meet a girl I'm interested in.

But, from what I gather of myself and from some others on this board, over thinking can be your own worst enemy at times. Sometimes you have to let things be. And don't forget, don't sweat the small stuff, because it's all small stuff.

And for your information HappyYogi, I'm 29.