Friendship

[tom_lonely]

I'm 42, married with 3 children.

I love my wife, but we're not friends like I'd like to be friends. And I don't know how to "fix" that. She's not into ANYTHING that I like to do. We have in common our love for our children, our desire to build a life together, etc. We enjoy the time we spend together. I like her. I love her. But she just isn't everything for me. I don't know how to define the hole inside me. All I know is that she does not fill it. Not completely.

Instead of waiting around for that to magically get better, I've decided to see if I can find what I need online. Not even knowing what I need. Hoping that I will know when I find it, I guess.

I've had many sexual relationships online with other women. Cybering, sexting, pic swapping, role playing. Having done that, I know it is not what I want. It is fun during, but can never go anywhere long term that is healthy for me, for my online sex "buddy", or for my real life. Once sex becomes part of the picture...the relationship seems to go downhill.

I want intimacy. I want someone to genuinely care about me. People tell me, "Well, that should be your wife" I would like it to be. But I just don't see that ever happening. I think my wife and I would both like that to happen, but it just is not in the cards for our personalities. She has her own baggage. I've tried to listen and help, but she holds onto it.

So, assuming that I could have a friendship with a woman online of some sort, how deep can it go? The only criteria would be that we never meet. I have never met anyone online in real life. I just don't think it is a good idea. Can an online friendship satisfy?

Please be considerate in your reply. Don't post if what I have said angers you. I don't need that drama. You can be angry or upset, but there is a way to go about it that is good, and a way that is bad.

---

And...I want to say something else.

If you read the above and you want to try and be that friend for me....please PM me. Perhaps we can have that friendship that will fill the hole for us both. I would really like that. : )

 

[jales]

The last sentence made me laugh. I read what you wrote and I have one question, why do you think that this friend that you are looking for should be a woman? Why not a man?

I am also curious to know more about your relationship with your wife. But I guess that info is something I would have to PM for? I also once fantasized about an online relationship in which me and the other person would never meet. But I imagined that person to be the same sex as me.

 

[tom_lonely]

The last sentence made me laugh. I read what you wrote and I have one question, why do you think that this friend that you are looking for should be a woman? Why not a man?

I am also curious to know more about your relationship with your wife. But I guess that info is something I would have to PM for? I also once fantasized about an online relationship in which me and the other person would never meet. But I imagined that person to be the same sex as me.

Thank you for replying. I hope some of the other lurkers will decide to post as well. : )

Feel free to PM me at any time. I prefer to talk with women, it's true, but I don't mind men contacting me.

My reasons for wanting a woman are simple. I just find them easier to talk to than men. Why, I don't know. I suspect it is because in my mind they are more nurturing. Better listeners. This could be disputed, but I am not interested in arguing about that.

I don't mind talking about my relationship with my wife, either in PM or here in this forum thread. But you'll have to ask me specific questions.

 

[Barbaloot]

Unfortunately our partners can't always be absolutely everything to us and cannot satisfy all of our needs for friendship or companionship. However, from the sounds of it, for the sake of your marriage and your children it sounds like either your relationship needs some serious work or you need to get divorced.
I am not sure whether you have a mutual understanding between you and your wife over your online infidelity, or whether she knows, but I think it is a disservice to both her and your children. You clearly feel such a distance from her that you need to fill it with other people, and you continue to seek someone else to meet your needs. But you are still a married man and a father. So, unless you and your wife have agreed that you will have an open marriage and are to stay together for the sake of the children (which I think is always a terrible reason for a couple to stay together) - then it sounds like you either need intensive couples therapy or you need to go your separate ways. I don't think pursuing online relationships with women to satisfy the void you feel within your marriage will make your life or your marriage better. If one person cannot satisfy all of your needs, find someone who can.

 

[tom_lonely]

Unfortunately our partners can't always be absolutely everything to us and cannot satisfy all of our needs for friendship or companionship. However, from the sounds of it, for the sake of your marriage and your children it sounds like either your relationship needs some serious work or you need to get divorced.
I am not sure whether you have a mutual understanding between you and your wife over your online infidelity, or whether she knows, but I think it is a disservice to both her and your children. You clearly feel such a distance from her that you need to fill it with other people, and you continue to seek someone else to meet your needs. But you are still a married man and a father. So, unless you and your wife have agreed that you will have an open marriage and are to stay together for the sake of the children (which I think is always a terrible reason for a couple to stay together) - then it sounds like you either need intensive couples therapy or you need to go your separate ways. I don't think pursuing online relationships with women to satisfy the void you feel within your marriage will make your life or your marriage better. If one person cannot satisfy all of your needs, find someone who can.

Thank you for your thoughts.

No, my wife and I do not have an open relationship.

Yes, she knows about my struggles.

I don't want to get divorced.

She has also been unfaithful to me during our marriage.


May I ask you a question? What brings you here to this site? How long have you been married and what has it been like?

 

[Okiedokes]

Yeah.. I don't think there's anything such as a perfect husband or wife. It's a matter of accepting the person for who they are, but also compromising if the two of you are opposite on some things. It doesn't always come easy especially if you guys are some distance between you emotionally. There might be better out there.. there might not be. That's something you have to take into consideration. I think it's good that you realize the online sex stuff doesn't get you far, cause it's true and also not fair if your wife doesn't know. Does she feel the same way as you? You guys should sit down and have an honest talk about everything. I think it needs to be one or the other, wife or no wife cause it's not fair for either of you. I do think that people should be happy but it's going to be a big problem if it's not mutual.

 

[tom_lonely]

Yeah.. I don't think there's anything such as a perfect husband or wife. It's a matter of accepting the person for who they are, but also compromising if the two of you are opposite on some things. It doesn't always come easy especially if you guys are some distance between you emotionally. There might be better out there.. there might not be. That's something you have to take into consideration. I think it's good that you realize the online sex stuff doesn't get you far, cause it's true and also not fair if your wife doesn't know. Does she feel the same way as you? You guys should sit down and have an honest talk about everything. I think it needs to be one or the other, wife or no wife cause it's not fair for either of you. I do think that people should be happy but it's going to be a big problem if it's not mutual.

>>>Does she feel the same way as you?


About what?

 

[Okiedokes]

Yeah.. I don't think there's anything such as a perfect husband or wife. It's a matter of accepting the person for who they are, but also compromising if the two of you are opposite on some things. It doesn't always come easy especially if you guys are some distance between you emotionally. There might be better out there.. there might not be. That's something you have to take into consideration. I think it's good that you realize the online sex stuff doesn't get you far, cause it's true and also not fair if your wife doesn't know. Does she feel the same way as you? You guys should sit down and have an honest talk about everything. I think it needs to be one or the other, wife or no wife cause it's not fair for either of you. I do think that people should be happy but it's going to be a big problem if it's not mutual.

>>>Does she feel the same way as you?


About what?

The void in your marriage.

 

[tom_lonely]

Yeah.. I don't think there's anything such as a perfect husband or wife. It's a matter of accepting the person for who they are, but also compromising if the two of you are opposite on some things. It doesn't always come easy especially if you guys are some distance between you emotionally. There might be better out there.. there might not be. That's something you have to take into consideration. I think it's good that you realize the online sex stuff doesn't get you far, cause it's true and also not fair if your wife doesn't know. Does she feel the same way as you? You guys should sit down and have an honest talk about everything. I think it needs to be one or the other, wife or no wife cause it's not fair for either of you. I do think that people should be happy but it's going to be a big problem if it's not mutual.

>>>Does she feel the same way as you?


About what?

The void in your marriage.

For me, the void is inside of me. It has nothing to do with her, really, except for the fact that, for whatever reason, she is not able (willing?) to fill that void.

I guess if I understood this all with perfect clarity, I would not be here.

 

[Okiedokes]

From what I've been told, it could be that you don't connect with her. Or you don't connect mentally which each other. A void she can't fill and it's making you possibly have a void in the first place. See.. when people say someone should be your other half, I don't think that's true. We should be whole ourselves..but form a unity with someone else and it's not something that can be forced but there is always going to be stuff two people have to compromise about.

If it's not there.. it's not there. :\ Was it there to begin with though? If so..there is hope with some changes made.

 

[EveWasFramed]

*seethes silently*

 

[tom_lonely]

From what I've been told, it could be that you don't connect with her. Or you don't connect mentally which each other. A void she can't fill and it's making you possibly have a void in the first place. See.. when people say someone should be your other half, I don't think that's true. We should be whole ourselves..but form a unity with someone else and it's not something that can be forced but there is always going to be stuff two people have to compromise about.

If it's not there.. it's not there. :\ Was it there to begin with though? If so..there is hope with some changes made.

Interesting thoughts.

From some of the replies, I fear I have painted too dismal a picture in my original post.

My wife and I talk. We enjoy talking. We enjoy being together. It is not like there is this wall of silence between us.

She is sick a lot. It seems every day there is something new wrong with her. It has gotten old. I am sure this is part of what weighs upon me. I am not saying she is faking (God, I hope not) -- but she seems to think that telling me about every ache and pain is somehow something I enjoy or can relate to. I try to be sympathetic. I ask if there is anything I can DO. But sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up about it. Sorry - but I am only human.

I go to the Dr maybe once a year.

---

*seethes silently*

When I see a reply like this, my first thought is that this person cannot reply and keep within the limits of decorum.

In other words, when you can't say something nice...don't say anything.

I messaged you. : )

Let me have it. Either by PM or in here...

I want to try hard not to suppress any opinions in this thread. We are here to share and learn. Not all of it will be painless and happy, right?

 

[perfanoff]

This is the time she needs you the most.

 

[tom_lonely]

This is the time she needs you the most.

I don't disagree.

In what regard do you think I've not been there for her?

My having a void does not mean I don't love her or care about her.

 

[EveWasFramed]

When I see a reply like this, my first thought is that this person cannot reply and keep within the limits of decorum.

Jump to conclusions much?

 

[IgnoredOne]

Divorce is no longer the taboo it used to be.

 

[Tealeaf]

I think if you're going to seek friendship you should be seeking *platonic* connections with someone you can have intellectual discussions with, and save the desire to interact specifically with a nurturing female personality for when you don't have a wife. If you two haven't tried marriage counseling, that's also something to consider.

 

[Barbaloot]

So she cheated on you, you cheated on her with a number of different people, and your solution to your problems in life and your marriage is to find someone else to cheat on her with emotionally? You claim to love her, yet you seek the emotional and/or sexual comfort of other people and complain about her being sick all the time? Where is the honor? She is your wife, the mother of your children, don't you think this would hurt her?
I cannot understand how this is the kind of life or marriage anyone can want. I definitely think you two at the very least need counseling. And frankly, I don't think you can have a platonic friendship with another woman considering how you've described your track record so far. I think you need to concentrate on fixing your marriage.


You asked about why I'm here - that's simply because I moved to a rural town in a different country to be with my husband and he's busy with work most of the time. I don't know a soul here, I don't speak the language well enough to get a job, and so I came here to seek friendship and company. Our marriage is currently healthy.

 

[tom_lonely]

When I see a reply like this, my first thought is that this person cannot reply and keep within the limits of decorum.

Jump to conclusions much?

: )

Apparently!

 

[tom_lonely]

The message I am getting is - work on my marriage.


So -- I have decided to try that instead of seeking yet another relationship on here.

I wrote this email to my wife this morning.



Hi Honey Bun.


I don’t know how to make this make sense, but I am trying to go to you when I feel bored, stuck, frustrated, lonely.


I want it to be you. I just don’t know how to do it. I feel afraid of it.


In the past I have used online to feel better and I want to stop, but it is so so hard.


I want to change.

I want to work on our marriage but I don’t know how. I want us to be friends … and lovers again.


Tom