Friendships falling apart

[emmy23]

Here's what's going on in my life right now... Sorry about the length and I really hope none of the people involved in this find this website...


My entire friend group is falling apart and it's mostly me and my friend "Susan"'s fault. She's a lesbian who has been in love with me for the past year or so. And there have been multiple occasions where she has accused me of leading her on, but I never realized I came across as such. I have directly told her multiple times that I'm not interested in her like that, but she always seemed to push for me to become a lesbian so I could be with her. She has told me that sexuality is a complicated thing and she says I could be a lesbian if I just tried.
Recently, I found out my friend "Tyler" liked me and I liked him (He's in our friend group). and my friend Susan said she was trying to get over me so she meddled and gave Tyler permission to ask me out. So now he's my boyfriend but soon after Susan got mad at me for being with Tyler and mad at the fact that I didn't try being with her instead. I also managed to get 2 of my friends to be mad at me because they also liked Tyler.

I got mad at Susan and told her that we need to stop talking as much as we used to because nothing good really comes from our relationship. All we get is drama. Later on me, Susan, and my best friend "Hilary" had a sleepover at Susan's house. And Susan and I got in a pretty big argument about our relationship and what has been going on, lasting for about four hours. Hilary was acting as our "Dr. Phil," I guess you could call it. but it wasn't long before I was sick of Hilary's advice and suggestions (Susan was asking for them, not me) and I thought that Hilary was getting annoyed with us, so I suggested we go somewhere else and talk about it. Nothing got solved with our conversation we basically redecided that we would be friends but not talk or text all the time like we used to. When morning came Hilary was not happy. She got mad that we didn't think of her and wasted her night so she said that we were no longer friends. I could not handle myself after that. I've apologized to her since.

I did sort of blame Susan for screwing up my relationship with Hilary. I know it's not really her fault, but it's just one of those things that I just can't help but think everytime I see her. Susan has inadvertently caused a lot of the drama and problems in my life over the past year or so. and our relationship wasn't really a healthy one. I think I sometimes took advantage of her niceness towards me and she could not stop liking me in that way. and we just always caused problems for eachother. so I basically ended our friendship because I think it would be for the best for both of us.

Tonight, another friend who is not involved in any of this starts talking to me and getting mad at me for ending my friendship with Susan. and he starts giving me advice for fixing my relationship with Hilary. The thing that bothers me most about that is he only has parts of the story and not the whole thing so he doesn't really know what he's talking about and I think he's more concerned with how this is going to affect our friend group moreso than what's best for me and Susan.


Yup so that's basically my life right now. I'm not sure if I was looking for advice, comfort, or a place to rant more...

 

[IgnoredOne]

Women are complicated.

 

[paulo]

Women are complicated.

more illogical and unpredictable than complicated, men too btw.
although there are patterns within the illogical that seem recurring.
but im still working on that

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Holy crap!

This is why I neatly sidestep all these problems by not having a social life! I'm starting to think the isolation might be a small price to pay after reading this

Very complicated (and frankly I'm a bit confused by the number of interconnections going on there). I'd just say:

1. - Is your relationship with this Tyler character going genuinely well? Do you like him and see a future between you? If so, continue with it and ignore the immature, airheaded jealousy of some of these other "friends" of yours.

2. - Are some of your "friends" worth all this hassle? Susan sounds like a flat out pain in the rear, she should take your "no" as an answer and stop bothering you about it. I'm glad you seem to have cut her off.

3. - I'd stop arguing with your friends about this stuff, especially Hilary, who sounds unfortunate here. It sounds like she just got caught in the crossfire. It's something you yourself should decide, then act on. There's no need to drag others into a conversation on it.

---

I'm a guy, so maybe I think differently when it comes to friendships? But if anyone was giving me hassle because I was dating a certain person, or my friends didn't like that, I'd tell them it's tough and they need to grow the hell up.

For example, you mention other girls liked Tyler and got funny when he dated you? That's where you need to put your foot down and call them out on how illogical that is. Just because they liked someone doesn't mean they get a divine right to be bitchy and bitter when he chooses to go out with a friend instead!

So if anyone ever makes you feel awkward for a healthy relationship you like being in, tell them their opinion means zilch

Also, what business is it of this other bloke that you're not friendly with Hilary right now? I'd tell him that you don't care what he thinks, you'll sort it out between you.

He has absolutely jack right to tell you what's right or wrong with your handling of Susan. I'd tell him that you'll be friends or not be friends with whoever you want.

I really couldn't deal with all that drama. I'd probably just scream at everyone to shut the bleep up with their petty squabbling and grow some freaking neurons!

You need to stand up for yourself if you feel people are being unreasonable - to me it sounds like this is all rather a simple case of people making stupid/immature demands of you. It's not worth letting "friends" walk all over you just for the sake of staying in a "group".

If that group is worthless to begin with, what's the point?

So I admire the amazing calm you seem to have displayed with being surrounded by such vast quantities of dismal social crap

Good luck and I hope this offered some insight.

I'd say the only people worth bothering with here are Tyler and Hilary, who seems like a genuine friend. Though it's also her fault for not telling Susan to just get over her misplaced desires

 

[Okiedokes]

Since Susan liked or has liked you, it's probably good that you guys had this fight and have a bit of time apart so she can have time to get over you and you guys can think things over. As for Hilary ditching you as a friend because of some fighting, that is a really harsh thing for someone to do. Did she really mean that or was it out of anger? Anytime there's girls who like the guy you're with..there will be drama and jealousy. Best to avoid them if they are going to be a problem for you and your b/f. It is sad but sometimes that's what you have to do when people won't just get over themselves. :\

 

[emmy23]

Holy crap!

This is why I neatly sidestep all these problems by not having a social life! I'm starting to think the isolation might be a small price to pay after reading this

Very complicated (and frankly I'm a bit confused by the number of interconnections going on there). I'd just say:

1. - Is your relationship with this Tyler character going genuinely well? Do you like him and see a future between you? If so, continue with it and ignore the immature, airheaded jealousy of some of these other "friends" of yours.

2. - Are some of your "friends" worth all this hassle? Susan sounds like a flat out pain in the rear, she should take your "no" as an answer and stop bothering you about it. I'm glad you seem to have cut her off.

3. - I'd stop arguing with your friends about this stuff, especially Hilary, who sounds unfortunate here. It sounds like she just got caught in the crossfire. It's something you yourself should decide, then act on. There's no need to drag others into a conversation on it.

---

I'm a guy, so maybe I think differently when it comes to friendships? But if anyone was giving me hassle because I was dating a certain person, or my friends didn't like that, I'd tell them it's tough and they need to grow the hell up.

For example, you mention other girls liked Tyler and got funny when he dated you? That's where you need to put your foot down and call them out on how illogical that is. Just because they liked someone doesn't mean they get a divine right to be bitchy and bitter when he chooses to go out with a friend instead!

So if anyone ever makes you feel awkward for a healthy relationship you like being in, tell them their opinion means zilch

Also, what business is it of this other bloke that you're not friendly with Hilary right now? I'd tell him that you don't care what he thinks, you'll sort it out between you.

He has absolutely jack right to tell you what's right or wrong with your handling of Susan. I'd tell him that you'll be friends or not be friends with whoever you want.

I really couldn't deal with all that drama. I'd probably just scream at everyone to shut the bleep up with their petty squabbling and grow some freaking neurons!

You need to stand up for yourself if you feel people are being unreasonable - to me it sounds like this is all rather a simple case of people making stupid/immature demands of you. It's not worth letting "friends" walk all over you just for the sake of staying in a "group".

If that group is worthless to begin with, what's the point?

So I admire the amazing calm you seem to have displayed with being surrounded by such vast quantities of dismal social crap

Good luck and I hope this offered some insight.

I'd say the only people worth bothering with here are Tyler and Hilary, who seems like a genuine friend. Though it's also her fault for not telling Susan to just get over her misplaced desires

---

Thank you so much for that! I was quite seriously starting to go crazy because of all of this dumb drama. If you ever met my group of friends it'd be impossible to understand why we're friends. We talk behind each other's backs all the time and almost everyone has tried to meddle in someone else's life at least once. We're not really nice to each other in general.

But anywho.. Thank you for all of that because now I feel less crazy. As if it's not all entirely my fault and that everyone else has contributed to this situation, not just me. Many of them believe everything is my fault. The funny thing is my friend who was yelling/attempting to give me advice about Hilary called me immature because of my decision to end my friendship with Susan. I've just got a seriously messed up group of friends...

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Thank you so much for that! I was quite seriously starting to go crazy because of all of this dumb drama. If you ever met my group of friends it'd be impossible to understand why we're friends. We talk behind each other's backs all the time and almost everyone has tried to meddle in someone else's life at least once. We're not really nice to each other in general.

But anywho.. Thank you for all of that because now I feel less crazy. As if it's not all entirely my fault and that everyone else has contributed to this situation, not just me. Many of them believe everything is my fault. The funny thing is my friend who was yelling/attempting to give me advice about Hilary called me immature because of my decision to end my friendship with Susan. I've just got a seriously messed up group of friends...

No worries for the help

Yeah, I'd weigh up the total positives against the negatives, because it sounds like the net effect of "the group" is complicating your life instead of providing relaxation/genuine companionship.

Personally, I'd have one last rational discussion with them all, tell them all that the Tyler situation is how is is and you don't need all this bickering and turmoil.

If they feel that's unreasonable it's time to find friends worth your time.

Anyway, whatever happens next, I hope it goes well for you.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I have very little experience with groups of friends, but I tend to think it must be difficult to stand your ground when a whole group of people put the blame on you for not oiling the wheel. But if it's against what you truly want, you don't have to oil that wheel.

I think The Solitary Man is right, here you have to question what's most important, keeping this unhealthy group of friends going, or respecting your choices and limits?

 

[Kevj]

Since Susan liked or has liked you, it's probably good that you guys had this fight and have a bit of time apart so she can have time to get over you and you guys can think things over. As for Hilary ditching you as a friend because of some fighting, that is a really harsh thing for someone to do. Did she really mean that or was it out of anger? Anytime there's girls who like the guy you're with..there will be drama and jealousy. Best to avoid them if they are going to be a problem for you and your b/f. It is sad but sometimes that's what you have to do when people won't just get over themselves. :\

@emmy23, I totally agree with what okiedokies said. You need some space apart from Susan for a while. Incidentally, I think I have a similar experience to yours. A good friend of mine actually "came out" to me a few years back. Granted that I am not interested in men, and made it clear that he was only my good friend, he was however taking it a bit too hard and then using that measure of applied silence and the cold shoulder on me. He seems like a male version of your friend Susan, and in fact this hot-and-cold treatment from 'friends' really is not healthy. Now that I moved out of town and to another country, I barely got a chance to try patching up friendships and to make it clear that we are friends as it is. But he still sends rather mixed signals like that Susan friend of yours, calling me nicknames like "sweet brother", "sweet love" which I have to take him to task for. Sigh, I hate to say this, but perhaps such friends really change, and we should not take their friendships too seriously. If they were meant to be our friends, then they will come round. If not, we should just leave them be, and focus on our own lives first. You have a right to not let Susan ruin your love relationship with the opposite sex. If she is behaving obsessively or possessively towards you, you know that she is not being respectful at this point.