NormalishGayGuy
Member
Hey, this is my first attempt at a post.
Basically the one thing on my mind is how alone I am. As I type this, it's Friday night in a college town in northern California, USA. I am by myself, in my room, listening to the sound of my heater and the rain outside.
I really struggle with intense feelings of depression and loneliness, which at times are debilitating. I've been to a therapist several times already, and nothing fruitful has come from it yet.
I really hate my life, and I hate myself. People's first response is that I shouldn't hate myself, but they are just being automatically kind. I literally feel repulsed by myself, every time I look in the mirror, or catch my reflection. And I know that I will be alone. I have a couple good friends, one whom lives in another state, and one that I've known for 5 months now, and am trying to get to know better.
I keep trying to fix my problems, but that never goes anywhere. I can beat my depression and sense of loneliness by socializing, but I've only had limited success with that. I spend time with my local friend, but most of the time I spend alone, or doing schoolwork. In the town I live, a lot of the social action is at bars, but I am not 21. So, after going to school the entire week, and doing all the associated work, and working hard, I have no social outlet. I sit at home all weekend long, trying to talk myself out of committing suicide.
I have never had a relationship, and I am out as gay. I never had any pretend straight relationships, and I never had a boyfriend, or had sex, or even been kissed. I feel like I've been left out, forgotten, and that I'm immature; that I'm a freak. I see all of the college folk with their significant others, and I hate them, and I'm jealous of them. My local friend recently entered into a relationship after being single for 8 months. I don't see a lot of gay people on campus (that are obviously gay, and I'm not really into flamboyant behavior) except for a lot of lesbians. I have never even flirted, or known that someone had a crush on me.
I am living on my own after spending 20 years in a hellhole that was called a 'family', and I have been working on healing the wounds that come from that. I feel invisible, damaged, awkward. I do not trust people easily, and I expect a lot from people who I do trust.
I have a huge list of problems that I am trying to work on, the list is so overwhelming that at times I despair. I am a hard worker by nature, and I try to solve my problems with hard work, and even in my short life, I have experienced mostly failure.
I am depressed, I am lonely, I feel invisible and yet repulsive. No one could ever want to be in a relationship with me, and I don't blame them. It wouldn't be fair to them, if they were stuck with me. So I'm sitting here, alone, my friend is out having fun with his girlfriend at a bar. My other friend is at home studying (she's in med school) with her husband. My relationship with my family is strained and damaged, through no fault of my own. And here I am. Utterly alone during what's supposed to be the best time of my life. I don't know what to do. My reasons and excuses for postponing suicide dwindle daily.
I look on google for people in situations like mine, and I don't find much, which suggests that most people aren't in my situation. Yet another way that I'm different. Sorry that this is so long, but I had to write it. I have to put it somewhere. I am in a living hell, and it only gets worse with each passing day. I will not continue to suffer like this. I'd end my life sooner than that.
Basically the one thing on my mind is how alone I am. As I type this, it's Friday night in a college town in northern California, USA. I am by myself, in my room, listening to the sound of my heater and the rain outside.
I really struggle with intense feelings of depression and loneliness, which at times are debilitating. I've been to a therapist several times already, and nothing fruitful has come from it yet.
I really hate my life, and I hate myself. People's first response is that I shouldn't hate myself, but they are just being automatically kind. I literally feel repulsed by myself, every time I look in the mirror, or catch my reflection. And I know that I will be alone. I have a couple good friends, one whom lives in another state, and one that I've known for 5 months now, and am trying to get to know better.
I keep trying to fix my problems, but that never goes anywhere. I can beat my depression and sense of loneliness by socializing, but I've only had limited success with that. I spend time with my local friend, but most of the time I spend alone, or doing schoolwork. In the town I live, a lot of the social action is at bars, but I am not 21. So, after going to school the entire week, and doing all the associated work, and working hard, I have no social outlet. I sit at home all weekend long, trying to talk myself out of committing suicide.
I have never had a relationship, and I am out as gay. I never had any pretend straight relationships, and I never had a boyfriend, or had sex, or even been kissed. I feel like I've been left out, forgotten, and that I'm immature; that I'm a freak. I see all of the college folk with their significant others, and I hate them, and I'm jealous of them. My local friend recently entered into a relationship after being single for 8 months. I don't see a lot of gay people on campus (that are obviously gay, and I'm not really into flamboyant behavior) except for a lot of lesbians. I have never even flirted, or known that someone had a crush on me.
I am living on my own after spending 20 years in a hellhole that was called a 'family', and I have been working on healing the wounds that come from that. I feel invisible, damaged, awkward. I do not trust people easily, and I expect a lot from people who I do trust.
I have a huge list of problems that I am trying to work on, the list is so overwhelming that at times I despair. I am a hard worker by nature, and I try to solve my problems with hard work, and even in my short life, I have experienced mostly failure.
I am depressed, I am lonely, I feel invisible and yet repulsive. No one could ever want to be in a relationship with me, and I don't blame them. It wouldn't be fair to them, if they were stuck with me. So I'm sitting here, alone, my friend is out having fun with his girlfriend at a bar. My other friend is at home studying (she's in med school) with her husband. My relationship with my family is strained and damaged, through no fault of my own. And here I am. Utterly alone during what's supposed to be the best time of my life. I don't know what to do. My reasons and excuses for postponing suicide dwindle daily.
I look on google for people in situations like mine, and I don't find much, which suggests that most people aren't in my situation. Yet another way that I'm different. Sorry that this is so long, but I had to write it. I have to put it somewhere. I am in a living hell, and it only gets worse with each passing day. I will not continue to suffer like this. I'd end my life sooner than that.