Gay and Isolated at College

[NormalishGayGuy]

Hey, this is my first attempt at a post.

Basically the one thing on my mind is how alone I am. As I type this, it's Friday night in a college town in northern California, USA. I am by myself, in my room, listening to the sound of my heater and the rain outside.
I really struggle with intense feelings of depression and loneliness, which at times are debilitating. I've been to a therapist several times already, and nothing fruitful has come from it yet.

I really hate my life, and I hate myself. People's first response is that I shouldn't hate myself, but they are just being automatically kind. I literally feel repulsed by myself, every time I look in the mirror, or catch my reflection. And I know that I will be alone. I have a couple good friends, one whom lives in another state, and one that I've known for 5 months now, and am trying to get to know better.

I keep trying to fix my problems, but that never goes anywhere. I can beat my depression and sense of loneliness by socializing, but I've only had limited success with that. I spend time with my local friend, but most of the time I spend alone, or doing schoolwork. In the town I live, a lot of the social action is at bars, but I am not 21. So, after going to school the entire week, and doing all the associated work, and working hard, I have no social outlet. I sit at home all weekend long, trying to talk myself out of committing suicide.

I have never had a relationship, and I am out as gay. I never had any pretend straight relationships, and I never had a boyfriend, or had sex, or even been kissed. I feel like I've been left out, forgotten, and that I'm immature; that I'm a freak. I see all of the college folk with their significant others, and I hate them, and I'm jealous of them. My local friend recently entered into a relationship after being single for 8 months. I don't see a lot of gay people on campus (that are obviously gay, and I'm not really into flamboyant behavior) except for a lot of lesbians. I have never even flirted, or known that someone had a crush on me.

I am living on my own after spending 20 years in a hellhole that was called a 'family', and I have been working on healing the wounds that come from that. I feel invisible, damaged, awkward. I do not trust people easily, and I expect a lot from people who I do trust.

I have a huge list of problems that I am trying to work on, the list is so overwhelming that at times I despair. I am a hard worker by nature, and I try to solve my problems with hard work, and even in my short life, I have experienced mostly failure.

I am depressed, I am lonely, I feel invisible and yet repulsive. No one could ever want to be in a relationship with me, and I don't blame them. It wouldn't be fair to them, if they were stuck with me. So I'm sitting here, alone, my friend is out having fun with his girlfriend at a bar. My other friend is at home studying (she's in med school) with her husband. My relationship with my family is strained and damaged, through no fault of my own. And here I am. Utterly alone during what's supposed to be the best time of my life. I don't know what to do. My reasons and excuses for postponing suicide dwindle daily.

I look on google for people in situations like mine, and I don't find much, which suggests that most people aren't in my situation. Yet another way that I'm different. Sorry that this is so long, but I had to write it. I have to put it somewhere. I am in a living hell, and it only gets worse with each passing day. I will not continue to suffer like this. I'd end my life sooner than that.

 

[Joseph]

I read your novel. Trust me, that's saying a lot because I have extreme A.D.D.

Cheer up, man! WTF? You've got your whole life ahead of you! Plus you are in college! Do you know what I would give to be back in college again? You are working on your future, that's exciting, right? Also, boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever, they are just a pain in the ass. You don't need that right now. You need a hobby! Go to the gym, get into working out, take up a hobby where you are likely to meet someone you might be interested in or vice versa.

I wanted to respond because I have two gay brothers, yes count 'em, two. What are the odds? LOL. Anyway, I know the hard times they went through right about your age. But you should be excited you are out of your house and can shed all that negative bullshit from your childhood and move on. Again, that is something to be excited about, not depressed.

Here's my advice: forward motion. When you are in motion, it is impossible to be depressed. You said you are sitting alone in your room. Then don't ******* do that. Go to the library, go anywhere, meet people, just be around people, you will make friends. Don't kill yourself because that is just ******* stupid.

 

[Peter Lorre]

I read your novel. Trust me, that's saying a lot because I have extreme A.D.D.

Cheer up, man! WTF? You've got your whole life ahead of you! Plus you are in college! Do you know what I would give to be back in college again? You are working on your future, that's exciting, right? Also, boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever, they are just a pain in the ass. You don't need that right now. You need a hobby! Go to the gym, get into working out, take up a hobby where you are likely to meet someone you might be interested in or vice versa.

I wanted to respond because I have two gay brothers, yes count 'em, two. What are the odds? LOL. Anyway, I know the hard times they went through right about your age. But you should be excited you are out of your house and can shed all that negative bullshit from your childhood and move on. Again, that is something to be excited about, not depressed.

Here's my advice: forward motion. When you are in motion, it is impossible to be depressed. You said you are sitting alone in your room. Then don't ******* do that. Go to the library, go anywhere, meet people, just be around people, you will make friends. Don't kill yourself because that is just ******* stupid.

I'm with Joseph on this. The one thing that helps is to be out there and then you will meet new people, no matter what you are doing. And if you ever feel like talking to someone while you're online feeling lonely and trying to gather courage to get out there, then feel free to PM me!

 

[Katie]

I have a suggestion. You can be gay and NOT OUT. I have worked with gay people and some of them are OUT and some are just the average person that happens to like people of the same sex. I find that the latter gets along with people FAR better than the OUT people. I often wonder if they are advertising themselves as being different or something. I have news for you being gay is just a small part of a person and I see no difference between a gay person and straight person untill they scream OUT. At that point my opinion of that person degrades dramatically.

 

[NormalishGayGuy]

I read your novel. Trust me, that's saying a lot because I have extreme A.D.D.

Cheer up, man! WTF? You've got your whole life ahead of you! Plus you are in college! Do you know what I would give to be back in college again? You are working on your future, that's exciting, right? Also, boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever, they are just a pain in the ass. You don't need that right now. You need a hobby! Go to the gym, get into working out, take up a hobby where you are likely to meet someone you might be interested in or vice versa.

I wanted to respond because I have two gay brothers, yes count 'em, two. What are the odds? LOL. Anyway, I know the hard times they went through right about your age. But you should be excited you are out of your house and can shed all that negative bullshit from your childhood and move on. Again, that is something to be excited about, not depressed.

Here's my advice: forward motion. When you are in motion, it is impossible to be depressed. You said you are sitting alone in your room. Then don't ******* do that. Go to the library, go anywhere, meet people, just be around people, you will make friends. Don't kill yourself because that is just ******* stupid.

Hey, thanks for your reply.

I take issue, though, with several points. What do you mean by forward motion? If you mean just doing stuff, then I'm already following your prescription. I'm a full time college student taking 21 units. I am busy with things, which is partially why I have not replied until this point. Your point seems moot because this is my third year of college, and merely being around people and talking to people does not morph them into friends, nor does it make me feel much better. After 3 years, I'd surmise that I ought to have made some friends by now, don't you think? I've made just 1 because I actively pursued that until it happened.

I have hobbies, which I do when I can, and I do work out, which as far as results go, is a rather mixed bag. I will agree that I do have some unknown set of years ahead of me, and that I am making progress towards my future, if you agree that that mere fact does not make my situation any better, and that I can't somehow leech future happiness into my present situation. One of the biggest issues, which I may not have emphasized, is the nature of college towns, especially small ones. Their economies and activities center around bars and clubs. There is very little cultural or hobby related ventures outside of this. So, I'm in a bind, not being 21 means that my socializing opportunities, when I happen to have time for them, are very very small.

My conclusion is that people cannot stand me, no matter how nice or social I am. My evidence is 3 years of university and my socializing efforts therein. This makes my chances of making friends small, and due to the fact that there aren't many gay people, and that I'm not obviously gay, it makes my romantic chances so small as to not even be plausibly realistic.

---

I read your novel. Trust me, that's saying a lot because I have extreme A.D.D.

Cheer up, man! WTF? You've got your whole life ahead of you! Plus you are in college! Do you know what I would give to be back in college again? You are working on your future, that's exciting, right? Also, boyfriends/girlfriends/whatever, they are just a pain in the ass. You don't need that right now. You need a hobby! Go to the gym, get into working out, take up a hobby where you are likely to meet someone you might be interested in or vice versa.

I wanted to respond because I have two gay brothers, yes count 'em, two. What are the odds? LOL. Anyway, I know the hard times they went through right about your age. But you should be excited you are out of your house and can shed all that negative bullshit from your childhood and move on. Again, that is something to be excited about, not depressed.

Here's my advice: forward motion. When you are in motion, it is impossible to be depressed. You said you are sitting alone in your room. Then don't ******* do that. Go to the library, go anywhere, meet people, just be around people, you will make friends. Don't kill yourself because that is just ******* stupid.

I'm with Joseph on this. The one thing that helps is to be out there and then you will meet new people, no matter what you are doing. And if you ever feel like talking to someone while you're online feeling lonely and trying to gather courage to get out there, then feel free to PM me!

You miss my point. I'm not hiding in a closet or under the bed the entirety of the day. I go full time to college. I am a friendly and sociable person. And despite all this, I have very few friends. I am involved in several clubs, and of course my classes. And yet, by merely being around people, notwithstanding talking to them, and being friendly, I have not created more friends. People only consider me when I'm there around them, and when I'm not, then not at all. And, of course, even less so in a romantic capacity. So, what, if any, real advice do you have. Because I have been in university for three years, and have socialized as much as I can, I have not been a hermit. Your advice (which I have been doing, previously, by sheer existence) does not seem to work. Perhaps you'd care to clarify??

---

I have a suggestion. You can be gay and NOT OUT. I have worked with gay people and some of them are OUT and some are just the average person that happens to like people of the same sex. I find that the latter gets along with people FAR better than the OUT people. I often wonder if they are advertising themselves as being different or something. I have news for you being gay is just a small part of a person and I see no difference between a gay person and straight person untill they scream OUT. At that point my opinion of that person degrades dramatically.

I agree with you in most of that, Katie. Being gay is not a very large part of my personal identity, and I'm not flamboyant. On the other hand, I am "out" in the sense that I am not hiding my sexuality, if someone were to ask, or if I bring it up within a conversation. If I ever get a boyfriend, I will never hide that fact nor hesitate to be romantic or affectionate in public like any straight couple. It may seem like I am fixated on my homosexuality, based upon my original post, but I was actually trying to emphasize a particular point.

That point is that I am worried that I will never find someone. The gay population in a given area is always small. Add to that the fact that everybody just assumes that I'm straight, and that people tend to ignore me, even when I'm being friendly and sociable, and also that I am not a very good looking person. I reasonably think that I'm going to be romantically alone for at least most, if not all of my life. If you have any advice in that regards, I'd appreciate it.

 

[kaede]

What came to my mind when I read your post is I suspect a lot of people are in very lonely situations in part because of where they are living. I went to university in a city and when I talk to friends who went in smaller towns, it seems like we had very different experiences. Maybe moving is something you can look forward to when you've finished school. Think about opportunities that lie ahead, like moving to a new town, having a new workplace, or grad school, etc.

 

[Depressedology]

normalish, r u on twitter? add me @nasvn
I'd love to know someone like you.. at least keeping company in internet

I wish you the best, and try to react positively to the little good things you can have in life. it's what jossephe was trying to say.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs normalish gay guy*


my first couple of months of college were really pretty depressing,

I kinda wanted to hang myself my laptop cord ( macrabe I know)

I still struggle with depression a lot but i don't think it's quite as bad,

I've been in a gay relationship before either , **** my defunked gaydar ( and hot unintersted bi chicks ( no offense)

I don't see a lot of gay people on campus (that are obviously gay, and I'm not really into flamboyant behavior) except for a lot of lesbians

dude hook me up

how do you know they're gay? Becuase for some reason here it's like impossible to find lesbians they've all blended in with the butch looking straight girls wearing plaid ( seriously, it's f*cking awful)

is there a LGBT group or something on campus you can check out?

really the best advice I can give is just go up and talk to people, that's actually how I've made all of my firends here pretty much, people are usually very welcoming and friendly at college, I don't go for the bar scene, but if you see someone with a coolo band t shirt or watching a movie you like mention it, say oh man you're watching whatevr i love that movie can i join

it was difficult in my dorm last year, they say to leave your dorm open which is good advice but no one ever came into my room,
but sometimes I'd see someone else with an open door, but I would be busy doing something or whatever

i didn't really care for most of the people on my floor they were loud it sucked,

but i found some friends outside of myy dorm, it really helps to get out and i guess try to mingle with some people

*hugs*

good luck

 

[NormalishGayGuy]

*hugs normalish gay guy*


my first couple of months of college were really pretty depressing,

I kinda wanted to hang myself my laptop cord ( macrabe I know)

I still struggle with depression a lot but i don't think it's quite as bad,

I've been in a gay relationship before either , **** my defunked gaydar ( and hot unintersted bi chicks ( no offense)

I don't see a lot of gay people on campus (that are obviously gay, and I'm not really into flamboyant behavior) except for a lot of lesbians

dude hook me up

how do you know they're gay? Becuase for some reason here it's like impossible to find lesbians they've all blended in with the butch looking straight girls wearing plaid ( seriously, it's f*cking awful)

is there a LGBT group or something on campus you can check out?

really the best advice I can give is just go up and talk to people, that's actually how I've made all of my firends here pretty much, people are usually very welcoming and friendly at college, I don't go for the bar scene, but if you see someone with a coolo band t shirt or watching a movie you like mention it, say oh man you're watching whatevr i love that movie can i join

it was difficult in my dorm last year, they say to leave your dorm open which is good advice but no one ever came into my room,
but sometimes I'd see someone else with an open door, but I would be busy doing something or whatever

i didn't really care for most of the people on my floor they were loud it sucked,

but i found some friends outside of myy dorm, it really helps to get out and i guess try to mingle with some people

*hugs*

good luck

Hey, Evvie!

Thanks for replying. Just thought I'd let you know that I've been going to college for 3 years. That's kind of the problem. You'd think that I'd have made (more) friends by now because when I'm around people, I can shove my depression down and be friendly and sociable and open. And I am involved in some groups, and I know of the people, but most of them I'd rather not 'hang out' with...I'm kind of picky, but I think everyone should have standards. The more frustrating part is obviously no luck finding any romantic partners.

It's kind of embarrassing to say, but I haven't been kissed, nor has any one (guy or girl) ever flirted with me in my entire life. Needless to say, I have never gotten to first base, or halfway there ever, let alone to actual sex. Also, btw, it's easy to spot the lesbians on my campus cuz they dress like either skater dudes, emos, or plaid-ish, with very short hair. Quite easy. Painfully easy to tell their sexuality. I've never understood why lesbians feel the need to do that, if lesbianism is just mere same sex attraction, but that's besides the point.

There is a gay group that I haven't gone to yet, and I've gone to several others: they were horribly clicky, just as bad as high school. So, I'm gonna try to give this last group a shot, and see where it goes. But to be honest I'm getting really annoyed by all of this. I can't believe that other people have THIS much trouble romantically. What kind of guy is 20 (almost 21) and hasn't even been kissed? Or hasn't even had one of those dumb training relationships that people have in high school? I hope you understand what I'm talking about, because the few people I've confided in about this don't really get it, cuz they've never had these problems.