CAS said:
Has anybody else on here had this kind of dream before??
I wish I couldn't relate to this as well as I can.
I have a recurring dream about a girl I used to talk to a lot online and met in person once. I've never been able to talk to anyone like I could her, or for as long. There seemed to be a thriving love between us, despite the distance, until she met me. But that's another thread. Suffice to say, it was awkward as fresia, and we did not hit it off at all; a stark contrast to our all-night-long talks and discussions and whisperings to one another across the distance between us. How odd to be infinitely far apart when we were finally so near together.
The dreams are always incredibly vivid. They come roughly every six months and seem to have some sort of progression. The first I ever had was a bit odd and involved me following beside her in some kind of store; I seemed to struggle through an invisible quagmire to keep pace with her. Tears streaked her face when she would steal an occasional sidelong glance back at me, causing her eyeliner to run (she wore little makeup, but she definitely knew how to use eyeliner right, oh man). I was trying to right some wrong I had done to her, and she wanted nothing of it. I remember her saying I had abandoned her in some way, telling me to leave, but I don't recall anything else.
I woke up in the late afternoon with a sharp gasp for breath. I was filled by a terrible sadness as if it had all been real. I had not asked for any of this to happen. I cried, and my chest ached with the same pain as my reddened eyeballs.
The most recent episode, many months ago, was at least pleasant to experience. It's very similar to what you have described and I'm glad to finally read a similar account. This same girl and I were laying on a bed in the afternoon. I remember the sun coming through the window blinds in thin beams. Portions of her hair shone golden in the sunlight. She always had beautiful hair.
We were just talking; somehow we had run in to each other by chance, and by dream logic we ended up on that bed. Clothed; only talking. She was telling me how she'd broken up with her boyfriend months ago, and how she had missed me (everything I've always wanted to hear). In the dream I thought nothing of it; I still wasn't to her liking, she was just talking to me because she's nice like that. She went silent. I looked over at her and she was staring at me with those slate-blue eyes of hers. I'll never forget those eyes. Her hand found mine, and she smiled. Not an adulterous smile, nor a sly one. Just...a genuine, warm smile. And I realized what she'd been trying to say. She wanted me. And the time was now.
The moment took us and she was on me in one fluid motion. She was warm, soft. Sensual. An infinite cascade of silky golden strands tumbled down around us in the lazy afternoon light. I felt her breath on my face, like a warm gentle breeze when you're lounging under a shade tree and the day is just right. And there's no houses or highways for miles, and all you hear is the wind in the grass and the sound of lazy summer birds, and for at least a square mile around you there ain't a **** thing wrong with the world. And those eyes, that locking gaze which could have melted the deepest winter freeze with a glance, or frozen time with a long enough stare. My hand found her hip, hers rested around my head. We embraced, and our mouths came together sweet as clover honey. It was ecstasy, it was passion, it was perfect. A thousand years of desire fulfilled.
And so it stands to reason that I would wake up.
I was in shock at first. I slammed my eyes back shut. I wanted so bad to be asleep again and dreaming; to be there forever and never come back to the real world. But it was futile. I had blinked and she was gone. Good morning, reality...I just couldn't wait to see you again.
The first two times this happened (there was an episode between this and the first recollection above; a dark event that brought me to this website), I wished that visage would stop haunting me. The dreams were pain anew; not whiny, angsty teen kind of pain. Genuine pain, right in my chest, otherwise associated with a myocardial infarction. I've felt it other times, during deep bouts of depression and anxiety; but these periods were the worst.
But this third instance was different. I was overcome with disappointment and the same sadness as before, this time with a sense of loss. A strong sense of loss for something I could have never fathomed experiencing, much less being torn from just as it was starting. Except this time I couldn't cry, if I recall. That feeling just stuck with me all day the way it always does. And in to the next day, and the next. Food tasted worse. Nothing was as enjoyable as it usually is for a good three days.
That time it was only sad once I was awake. If a man is allowed a happy place to which he can escape to in his thoughts, some secret thought or fantasy to keep him going in the bleakest of circumstances, that is mine. I wish many nights to see her again in my dreams with that vivid sensation. To pick up right where we left off. But they seem to come in increasingly long intervals; the first two were about 4 months between. The third about 6 months later. It has been longer than that since then.
I have not dreamed of her since. Part of me is glad, but the other part fears I'll never feel again what I felt in that third dream. A fear that I will never know that feeling, in this world or that one. Indeed, a fear that maybe I'll never be able to build that sort of closeness in my life; but also another, more difficult to grasp fear, that I'll never be able to feel such soaring highs with any living person as I did in that ephemeral, fleeting time and place, with the specter of a girl, or at least my
idea of a girl, who was once so dear.