Hard to talk about my relationship

[Zackarydoo]

I really want to talk about the relationship I'm in, if it can be called that, but at the same time I'm scared of what people might say. I don't want to be told that I should get out while I can! I know that it might be the obvious answer to many people if I was to explain it all. It's very different when you're actually in a situation though. It's not like I'm blinded by love or anything and can't see straight - I'm totally rational and logical as far as that's possible. I just feel that when it comes to matters of love, when it 'feels' right, it really is possible to get over huge barriers. I've done it before so I should know.

I don't even know if I can call it a relationship. It's long distance and at the moment I can't even see how we'll ever meet, and for now I'm a 'secret' in her life to all but her closest friend. I hate that, but I understand why things are that way for now. No, she isn't cheating on anyone, and I'm not the 'other man'. We met online and speak most days now, and have been getting closer and closer since first writing in August. I told her before that if I met someone locally, I'd have to end things with her, as the situation for anything in the future seemed so unlikely and I didn't want to turn down a 'real' offer of someone to be with. I don't feel that way now though - I can't imagine letting her go, even if some miracle happened and I met someone locally (which is extremely unlikely, and PLEASE don't tell me it isn't).

One of the few online friends I have is very positive about things and tells me to be positive about it, as anything could happen in the future. However, the woman herself has made it very clear that the situation she is in won't change any time soon, as if she's trying to put me off - But then she seems very sure about me and not wanting things to end. She says it's because she cares so much about me and doesn't want me to get hurt, and she's afraid she may hurt me. She says she wouldn't intentionally do it but she may be forced to end it if 'something' happened (I'd rather not get into details here). I'm afraid of being hurt too, but I can't end it 'just in case' I get hurt. No relationship would work if people did that.

Every day I drive myself crazy waiting to hear from her and hoping she'll speak to me, and hoping whatever plans we may have to speak that day won't change (like they often do). It's the same today - I'm supposed to be calling her at 3pm my time, but I don't have much confidence that she'll actually keep that arrangement as almost everything else in her life comes first (mainly due to her children).

Hmmmmm.....I guess I just need someone to talk to. Thanks for listening everyone. I'll go crawl back under my rock now. :shy:

 

[jales]

Don't end it..but work on trying to met up with her in person as soon as you can.. i'm in a long distance relationship as well .. it's really important that you meet as much as possible in person. if she is the one you'll need to find a way to eventually live together.

 

[Zackarydoo]

Thanks Jales, nice of you to write.

I just want to say firstly that I DO understand everything else in her life coming before me. Well maybe not everything, but usually it's family or her children who cause our arrangements to be broken, and of course I totally understand that.

For now I really can't meet her in person, for many reasons. I agree with you that it's important I meet her as soon as I can, and as often as I can, but for now it just isn't possible. I won't get into too much detail because I don't want to talk about her private life in public too much. The main reasons we can't meet are financial and also the way her life currently is. We tell each other every day how much we wish things were different, and we do both try to think to the future but for now I don't know when things will change in her life. I can control my own life to a point, but I can't tell her what to do and when to do it, and I understand that things are very difficult for her at the moment.

Yesterday, as I feared, she wasn't able to speak to me when we arranged. She had very good reason for it, and as she told me, it's just the way her life is. Ironically she did end up being able to speak with me around the arranged time anyway, and also later on. We did have a bit of an argument and I felt she was quite harsh with me, and it upset me a lot. I guess I'd best not get into details.

I strangely feel less stressed about when I might be speaking to her today. I don't know if things she said to me yesterday about it has helped me feel better about when we may or may not speak. It's very possible. I'm looking forward to speaking with her whenever it happens, but I'm also unsure whether or not to bring up what was said yesterday. I want to feel able to be 100% open with her, and we often tell each other that we want things to be that way - But yesterday I felt I couldn't say how I really felt as everything I said made her react badly. I guess I'll wait and see how I feel when we speak. She chose not to arrange a time with me for today, which I think was probably a sensible idea.

 

[jales]

well yes sometimes you cant meet. but its really important that you'll meet in person... relationships were meant to be in person.. financial reasons for not meeting are hard to get around. i think you need to spend time with her in person though.

 

[Zackarydoo]

well yes sometimes you cant meet. but its really important that you'll meet in person... relationships were meant to be in person.. financial reasons for not meeting are hard to get around. i think you need to spend time with her in person though.

Whoops, I didn't get an email about your reply for some reason so sorry for the delay.

I do agree, I really do, but for now it just isn't possible. It isn't only financial but the way her life is at the moment. I don't want to use that as a reason to end things with her though as we both feel a lot for each other. If I ended things I'd be even more alone than I already feel. She does stress me a lot sometimes, but she also makes me happy when I speak to her. I may be setting myself up for a fall, but there is little I can do about that. Ending it 'just in case I get hurt' seems even more foolish than keeping it going.

 

[jales]

Well I would not suggest ending it at all, if you love her why end it?
take the chance give it your all at least that why you know you tried.. just keep in mind that you two should be working really hard on trying to spend time together in person ...

well yes sometimes you cant meet. but its really important that you'll meet in person... relationships were meant to be in person.. financial reasons for not meeting are hard to get around. i think you need to spend time with her in person though.

Whoops, I didn't get an email about your reply for some reason so sorry for the delay.

I do agree, I really do, but for now it just isn't possible. It isn't only financial but the way her life is at the moment. I don't want to use that as a reason to end things with her though as we both feel a lot for each other. If I ended things I'd be even more alone than I already feel. She does stress me a lot sometimes, but she also makes me happy when I speak to her. I may be setting myself up for a fall, but there is little I can do about that. Ending it 'just in case I get hurt' seems even more foolish than keeping it going.

 

[Zackarydoo]

Well I would not suggest ending it at all, if you love her why end it?
take the chance give it your all at least that why you know you tried.. just keep in mind that you two should be working really hard on trying to spend time together in person ...

If I could meet her, I honestly would tomorrow. I've even had the money to very recently but I won't have very soon, and if that was the only problem, I would have used that money to see her. There is no way I can though with her situation as it is. I will work towards it, but from my end there is little I can do other than encourage her. She needs to change her life hugely first. It's to do with her children, her ex, and where she lives. If I was to go there now she's barely have any time to spend with me at all.

I was very stressed about things with her yesterday (I won't get into details), but I managed to speak to her for a short time last night and things were great. I've never heard her so close and romantic and genuine as she was last night, so that was nice. For now I have no intention of ending it.