*edit* Had no idea when starting this that I would write a giant ass blob of text, but have been feeling really bad lately so needed to vent I guess.
Thought I'd update this thread for anyone that cared. I went to that therapist about 3 times total, but stopped because he was so busy that I could see him like only once a month or longer. Plus he was a counselor at the university, and I ended up failing that semester due to being depressed and honeysuckle. I just sort of stopped caring/couldn't deal with school and stopped going to class. As a result, I now have to wait until the fall to finish up my degree. In a way me failing that semester might have been a good thing. It forced me to tell my family that Ive been depressed and isoloated for a long time. Was a difficult Christmas when I was back there heh. My family at least know of my problems now and I dont have to hide it from them anymore.
Ive started seeing a therapist on my health insurance now, so I should be able to see him more regularly than the last one. I'm also going to be starting up a social anxiety therapy group at the start of March. I am hoping that this will be something of great use to me. Because my social anxiety is something I know I really need to deal with. I have a hope, maybe a stupid one, that I might be able to make some friends with people in that group. I usually feel extremely awkward around people and like disconnected from them. Especially super happy people since I dont share much in common with them heh. Am thinking at least the people at this group and I would have some common ground as we have similar issues. I sort of dont want super happy/ perfect friends heh. I feel too different from people like that.
Ugh though. Therapy seems to make me feel like extremely shitty sometimes. The session I had last night made me just feel so bad after I got out of it. Just admitting all my problems out loud was tough, especially since Id been ignoring them for so long. I finally admitted something to the therapist that I havent told anyone ever besides my doctor too. It's embarassing as fresia, but its a big part of why I feel depressed and sort of think I might not have any choice but to be alone for the rest of my life. My penis is messed up basically. It has curved to the left for as long as I remember and its always been a bit painful sometimes just when I have an erection. I saw a doctor a few years ago and he thought it was nothing serious, but he didnt really pay too close attention to it, sort of just dismissed it. When I tried to have sex it hurt so much I had to stop and it was humiliating as hell. After that I havent even really put much effort into getting a girlfriend because I am terrified as hell of another girl seeing my problem. 2 weeks ago it seemed to get worse and now I cannot get an erection at all basically. It starts to hurt really bad when I start to get one, so I have to stop it. The curve seems like it got worse too. I am going to see a urologist about it, but Ive done a lot of research about this and im pretty certain im messed for life. Basically my only option will be a surgery, which has very low chances of fixing the problem. So I cannot help but think about how I have like no chance of maintaining a relationship if I cannot have intercourse at all. And it just pissed me off and makes me feel like I got dealt such a shitty hand in life. I mean dammit our biological goal in life is to have sex to reproduce. That is why sex feels so pleasurable and people strive for it so much. I cannot even ******* enjoy that, sex causes me ******* pain. Its just sick twisted irony to me. So yea Even when I can see myself getting over my social anxiety, acne, and other problems I just cannot imagine a very happy future for myself because of my penis problem. Some people might say to this that "sex isnt that important" or whatever but god dammit I am 23 and I dont ever get to enjoy it. Instead Im probably going to always feel like honeysuckle about this and realistically what girl would want to be with a guy long term that cannot have sex when she could get a guy that can?
So yea, on my walk out/ bus ride home I just felt like such honeysuckle, almost started like crying on the bus I felt so bad. Like I was surrounded by people, but just felt so alone type of thing. How I feel most days, see the other people my age all happy, chatting with their friends or significant others and it just seems like a type of life I can never attain. I just feel like hopeless for my life. I dont know if I am going to be able to handle this forever and cannot see myself being all that happy if I am alone forever too. Admitting this problem to my therapist made me feel sort of better at the time since I finally told someone about that issue. Felt like I was lying to him if I didnt tell him since its a big cause of my depression. He understandably couldn't say much to make me feel better about this issue heh, although he tried. Like I was feeling so bad I just wanted anything to take my mind off the pain I was feeling. Wanted to just drink or take something to alter my state of mind it was so bad. I can see how people use drugs and honeysuckle. I had such a urge to forget my pain and honeysuckle that I almost craved to take a drug even though I never have done anything more than smoking pot years back. I didnt do any drugs or drink, but resorted to my normal means of escaping reality. I played some video games and watched some tv. Thats the only thing that makes me somewhat happy it seems, is when I distract myself from reality.
Sorry for the novel. I'd be surprised really if people read through it all. I guess I am just venting and trying to be honest with myself about what I feel and honeysuckle. Dont do that much heh. I'll shut the hell up now.
TLDR edition:
starting therapy more consistently this time
starting social anxiety group
feel hopeless as fresia about the future, on top of my other issues I have a broken cock basically. Cannot see a future without me being alone and miserable and dont know how long I can cope with that.
