Have I lost Her?

[AFrozenSoul]

So a very close friend of mine is pondering starting a relationship with another male. I care very deeply for her, but I was not able to be honest with my feelings until I felt I was going to lose her.

She has told me that there are still feelings for me in her heart. I want to know if there is anything I can do to get her to take me. I really care about her. I do not want to lose her. But I fear that I will, and I have not done everything I can to keep her. She is my ideal girl. I love our relationship and that is why I do not want to lose it. Nor do I want to wait and hope that this relationship she is entering is going to fail and she will come back to me.

I am going to try and meet with her today. Tell her face to face how I feel, because up until now it has just been over email or the phone. How can I make her give me another chance? I know she still has feelings for me. I am not saying she does not have feelings for this other guy. I just feel like she is making this choice because this other guy was open with her feelings right away. I feel she is doing this for many wrong reasons.

Can anyone please help me win her back? She says it is too late, but a part of me knows she is looking for something I cannot see... I want to see it and I want to set things right.

 

[jbates]

Hmmm there a few questions that need to be answered first.

A) How close are you? i.e how long have you known each other
B) Have you previously been romantic? If so, how long

I could tailor an answer better based on what you say to those previous questions.

However, there is still a way it can be done. Take comfort in the fact that she is keeping you extremely up to date on the situation with her and her friend. This may be her way of trying to get your approval.

It could also simply be that she is waiting for you to grow some balls. From what I've read it seem like you aren't very persistent. If all of a sudden she comes across you, full of confidence and with your mind set that she couldn't be happy with anyone but you... that may be what she's waiting for.

I'm sure there is a bit more I can say but it's still early for me. Send me a pm if you really need a better pep-talk. If not, hope all goes well.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@jbates: To answer your questions:
A) Very close, although I was scared of the concept and always kept her at an arm's length. We have known each other for 3 years.

B) Romantic is one of those weird words that gets thrown around. We have shared a bed, and often times cuddle up when watching or favorite shows.... not sure what else could be there?

I want to believe that I am just not being persistent enough or I am not being confident enough. Hence why I want to show up and meet her. Part of me also fears she might want to be with this guy because she would feel bad suddenly dumping him after working to build a relationship with him over so many months.

I am pretty scared and nervous, I was up all night and feeling physically ill thinking about this. So much so that I had to skip work for fear of not being productive.

 

[shells]

Speaking from my own personal experience, it can be a little bit irritating when someone appears to suddenly strike the interest to take action only because someone else got the ball rolling first. Now it's a race, a competition, and I'm the "prize" stuck in the middle? It bothers me because it plays along the lines of "boys want what other boys want."

All I can say is to try put your nervousness and fears aside, take the plunge. Stop getting in your own way and just do it. The worst she can do is turn you down, but at least you'll have your answer and you won't spend your time wondering about all of the what if's.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@shells: Yeah I don't want to have what ifs. I just don't want to lose her, because there are no others like her. I don't want to become the bitter friend who is just waiting for his friend to dump her boyfriend. I am also scared that even is she dumps this guy that I won't get another chance, because she will give up on relationships. Because I know I am going to give up, if I get turned down because I don't want any other girls. Plus I am pretty hideous and lack any knowledge on how to meet girls and at least trick them into thinking I am a good potential mate. But that is a different story.

 

[Badjedidude]

I just don't want to lose her, because there are no others like her.

Well if she's getting interested in another guy and less in you, then you're already losing her. So you really do have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel. It's always better to TRY and fail than to spend the rest of your life WONDERING if it may have worked.

----Steve

 

[Hijacc]

This is going to sound cheesy but you'll only really lose her if you give up, Don't be obsessive though.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Badjedidude: That is the problem I cannot gauge her interest in me and him. From the way she reacts to my feelings I know she still cares a great deal about me. I think we have kind of switched roles. Or at least I want to think we have. She is using logic and doing what is fair, not what she wants because that would not be fair.

@Hijacc: I am hoping that not giving up will make her realize I really do care about her. I have no intention of giving up either. If I am not chosen I won't actively pursue her. But I will make sure she knows I am interested whenever we talk or hang out.

 

[IGETNONE]

yeah thats happening to me right now im losing the girl of my dreams and its my last year of high school (and i dont think i'll meet anyone as amazing as her), sooo i gave up even though i was trying to get back with her (since we used to date). I still got feelings for her but im a complete dumbass sooo u still got a chance my and go for. Cause u don't wanna live in regret like me.

 

[Phaedron]

Part of me also fears she might want to be with this guy because she would feel bad suddenly dumping him after working to build a relationship with him over so many months.

This is very bad, and you may have allowed love to slip through your fingers. In life we often take what we have for granted until we lose it. The only way to prevent that is to never admit to ourselves that we fully have it. I'm a bit confused here between this sentence and your original post. If you knew she was building a relationship with him for months and months I'd say you're pretty much screwed. If you were never actually involved then the rest of this post probably won't apply.

If you act, she may think you are being this way out of jealousy and possessiveness as you are only acting in a more loving way because you feel you are losing her. You do not own her. It is important not to be perceived as one who is exerting only the minimal amount of love required to keep her. A sudden increase of love may convey this perception. It will most likely be used against you. If that happens she will either continue to have interest in other guys to get more out of you, or more likely be done with you because she perceives your feelings not to be love, but rather efforts to own her to satisfy your own insecurity.

On the other hand, if you don't act she will slip away for sure. My advice is to try and express yourself in a way that makes it seem like your feelings have not changed, that there was some misconception involved. Perhaps you could make it seem like you had assumed the both of you were going steady. Do not let yourself be baited into competing with this man. You need to convey your love along with an attitude that it's okay if she chooses him and it is her decision. This way you can convey maturity and security without seeming cold, uncaring, or unloving.

If all else fails or you have already fallen into this trap, then your only hope is to charm her all over again. Go along with the breakup in that case, and improve yourself. Let some time pass and then show her you have become more awesome, and perhaps that you learned from the experience. What you resist persists. Rather then go against the tide, find a way to go along with it or bypass it and eventually change it's course.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Phaedron:I always thought of them as friends. I guess I am screwed.

But I am still going to try to see if her feelings are genuine. If they are then I will just wait and charm her all over again.

It is hard to think of a mature way to let her know the choice is hers. All I can really say, is we will always be friends, and my feelings are not going anywhere.

I know I should give up, but I don't want to, there is something here and I am an idiot for not seeing it. But I guess this is my fault. After all there were many signs. I should have seen them and acted on them.

One last push though, I know she still has feelings for me, at least she said she does. Then I will stop if she rejects me and just lie in wait as I try to improve myself, and show her that it was not just a last ditch thing.

 

[VanillaCreme]

She is using logic and doing what is fair, not what she wants because that would not be fair.

She should do what she wants, fair or not to either one of you. It's her decision. If she doesn't follow her heart and what she feels, she may end up not liking what happens. So while I agree to the point of make it known that you care for her, I wouldn't suggest pushing it on her. No matter what she does, it's going to be unfair to at least someone, and that someone shouldn't be her.

 

[Zak]

You wouldn't know unless you try.

 

[Phaedron]

@Phaedron:I always thought of them as friends. I guess I am screwed.

But I am still going to try to see if her feelings are genuine. If they are then I will just wait and charm her all over again.

I can see that you really love her...

Hey, don't let my words discourage you though, I'm no expert. You should definitely say something, tell her how you feel, see what happens. Just try to think of a way to do it that seems genuine and not because of this other guy.

You gotta be cautious when in comes to matters of the heart...

She is using logic and doing what is fair, not what she wants because that would not be fair.

I don't buy this for a second. Love and relationships have nothing to do with logic. Do you know her birthday, or the month she was born in? Unless she is an air sign I would not believe shes getting involved with someone based on "logic." She will use logic to come up with reasons to justify her decision, but thats all it is...

Women don't get involved because they think they should or shouldn't. For them it's magnetic attraction. In the same way you can't "convince" a woman to love you. You could be rich, living next door, handsome, and have a 1000 other reasons why a relationship would be an excellent idea, but if the magnetic attraction isn't there it doesn't mean a thing.

It also sounds to me like you may have been "friend zoned" or allowed yourself to be. That could also be very bad.

Also stay aware of the possibility there may be lies involved. Many of them do lie and think of it as relationship management or psychological sophistication.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@VanillaCreme:Yeah I know, there is no way everyone can be happy with this one.

@Phaedron: Yeah I know when her birthday is, we do something fun on it every year. The challenge is always to be genuine. I am striving to prove I am genuine.

Her and I hovered the gray zone between friend and significant other for many years. She may not follow logic, but she is definitely following a sense of fairness. It is not fair that she just turn down this guy who has been advancing on her in a way that I didn't until recently. Who knows maybe this guy is what she wants... I don't know, I just have to stay optimistic until I talk to her. All I know is that she says she has feelings for me.

 

[Phaedron]

I see. Have you met her before, or did you just mean talk about your feelings over email and the phone?

Yes tell her your feeling in person, but again don't give the impression it has anything to do with the other guy.

Maybe you could arrange to meet her somewhere. Perhaps somewhere new or special, and it will have a special effect on you. Or maybe you could arrange for something to happen that SHOWS how you feel. Like say you had a friend that would shroud himself and attack the both of you, but you get in the way cause you'd sooner die then let anything happen to her. Or maybe you have a trustworthy female friend who could make advances at you, but you refuse, forcing you to admit your feelings.

Okay a bit dangerous and dramatic there lol, but the point is you need a situation of some sort to heat things up... or maybe you just need to say how you feel and leave it at that.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Phaedron: Yes we tried to talk over the phone... there was too much mumbling and crying. So I asked that we meet in person. My feelings first came out in email. I am not very good at expressing my feelings verbally. I also kept my feelings in my stomach. I had them though, I was just scared of them.

Something to show I care... it is hard to figure that out for me. There is so much that I feel makes it look like I am trying to hard. I am going to make us a meal an have one of our normal hangout nights... I don't know what else I can do. We did not do much more than hang out and watch anime and play video games...or go to movies. I guess I just have to figure out how to make it extra special.

I know that this other Guy helped force my feelings to the surface. I don't know if that qualifies as him being the cause of my feelings or not.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Well today is the big day. Any last words of wisdom?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yes. Just be honest, and show her your heart.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I guess I need to make sure my heart is devoid of negative feelings. That way I do not seem like I am doing this out of insecurity or jealousy.