hello...

[helen]

hi everyone, nice to meet you (well, figuratively speaking anyway...)! i've been trying to think of some kind of pleasant preamble to start with, but i thought it would just be better if i cut to the chase. ah well.

i'm helen. i'm 22, and i can honestly say that i don't have a single friend or family member on earth. my parents were... not nice people. yeah, i know how ungrateful/melodramatic that sounds but sadly, it's true, and it feels good to say it. yeah. i have a job (in a call centre... i thought it would do me good if i was forced to speak to people on the phone. it didn't.) but i don't speak to anyone in the office. i sit in a toilet cubicle during breaks, and at the end of the day i hang around for ten minutes so i don't have to get in the lift with anyone. i've tried - i overheard people talking about peep show one day, not long after i'd started, so i actually got the dvd that night and watched it so i'd have something to talk to them about. and then i didn't have the courage to say anything about it, because doing something like that is weird and i think they'd realise how odd i was. well, the dvd was funny so at least it wasn't a total waste.

i think what bothers me is a. the thought that i'm so completely wasting my life (i get very down when i hear about people dying because i think that whoever they were, at least there would be someone somewhere who'd miss them) and b. the sheer boredom. on weekends, i do literally nothing but lay in bed and get drunk. over christmas, i seriously considered walking out into traffic or something so i'd spend it in hospital... after all nurses have pretty much got to be nice to you, and i thought it had to be better than having nothing but the queen's speech for company. i realise how sick that is and how low it is to take advantage of a hospital's resources... but that's how i feel sometimes.

i hope there's such a thing as reincarnation because i've made such a mess of this life. there are so many things i've never done - eaten in a restaurant, seen a film in a cinema - that are probably just mundane to other people. i used to convince myself that i'd just been unlucky, but now i realise that if you make it into your twenties without a single contact in the world, there's something pretty wrong with you. even if i did make a friend, how would i explain that to them?

wow, this has become pretty long. sorry that my first post here is such a downer, but hopefully it'll make you feel better about yourself if nothing else. thanks for letting this freak get all this off her chest.

 

[Jeremi]

Welcome to the site. There are plenty of nice people here to talk to, so you definitely came to the right place. Hope you'll be able to find some encouragement here. You're not alone!

 

[evanescencefan91]

hey helen and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're feeling low. You hope there's reiencarnation? I don't I just want this all to be over once i die.

I know how hard it is to try and to go up to a person and try to talk to them sometimes it's like the fear paralizes your body, but once you can move you just have to breath in and break down that wall and not worry aboutthe outcome, just focus on the present.



You don't have to be with someone to go to restraunt or see a movie. I just ate a wonderful teraki chicken sandwhich at subway by myself. i go to movies alone all the time. It's not hard you just have to go and buy the ticket. And of course some popcorn.

I hope things can get better for you, at least spring is here, well unless you're from austrialla or someplace.

and again welcome to the forum, I hope you like it here

 

[sloth4urluv]

Welcome to the site.

 

[Robin]

hi everyone, nice to meet you (well, figuratively speaking anyway...)! i've been trying to think of some kind of pleasant preamble to start with, but i thought it would just be better if i cut to the chase. ah well.

Hey Helen! =) Well i think Your preamble was a great way to start!

i'm helen. i'm 22, and i can honestly say that i don't have a single friend or family member on earth. my parents were... not nice people. yeah, i know how ungrateful/melodramatic that sounds but sadly, it's true, and it feels good to say it. yeah. i have a job (in a call centre... i thought it would do me good if i was forced to speak to people on the phone. it didn't.) but i don't speak to anyone in the office. i sit in a toilet cubicle during breaks, and at the end of the day i hang around for ten minutes so i don't have to get in the lift with anyone. i've tried - i overheard people talking about peep show one day, not long after i'd started, so i actually got the dvd that night and watched it so i'd have something to talk to them about. and then i didn't have the courage to say anything about it, because doing something like that is weird and i think they'd realise how odd i was. well, the dvd was funny so at least it wasn't a total waste.

Hehe, well that won't last for long here; You've practically already made a couple of friends by starting a thread here. Oh, so another soul with parents that she could do without? Yeah, mine are good people at least, though terrible at parenting, so i guess i know quite a bit about how they can make Your upbringing a *curse*. I'm not sure what You do in Your job, but i've been a salesman both on and off the phone so i can understand how utterly... small a change talking to strangers makes to Your need for social contact.

That scenario with the DVD was quite funny. I'm sorry if that offends You, but i find it quite allright to laugh at the things in life that You once were ashamed of. That was actually quite a smart move! I would never think of it. Too bad You didn't take the chance to finally say something, but i'm sort of a hypocrite saying that since i've had a low self-esteem once upon a time too and know how unimaginably hard it can be to get to talk to new people, not to mention people You've actually been around for some time before but still not talked to!

i think what bothers me is a. the thought that i'm so completely wasting my life (i get very down when i hear about people dying because i think that whoever they were, at least there would be someone somewhere who'd miss them) and b. the sheer boredom. on weekends, i do literally nothing but lay in bed and get drunk. over christmas, i seriously considered walking out into traffic or something so i'd spend it in hospital... after all nurses have pretty much got to be nice to you, and i thought it had to be better than having nothing but the queen's speech for company. i realise how sick that is and how low it is to take advantage of a hospital's resources... but that's how i feel sometimes.

Oh yeah, boredom sure is enough to make life seem pointless. But what is boredom? Like physical pain, it's a note to You saying that something's wrong in Your life. I'm sure You already got that, but i think You also understand that it's quite interesting to get to know what You actually did to find new things You'd possibly like, and why You didn't.

Wow, laying in bed drinking alcohol? I'm not exactly a party-animal myself, but what keeps me going is doing something creative and/or helpful, like helping people here, studying something, making electronic music on the PC and playing video games. And those aren't things that You need anything but time to do!

Can You name five things that You've always wanted to do but never done due to whatever? Simple things, like running across a field and just end up on some mountain looking out over a sunset sea is one of mine. Have You got any of those wills?

Bah, those thoughts about injuring Yourself for some reason has probably crawled a ton of people right here alone. It's good that You're not too ashamed to talk about them, because we won't judge You for it!

i hope there's such a thing as reincarnation because i've made such a mess of this life. there are so many things i've never done - eaten in a restaurant, seen a film in a cinema - that are probably just mundane to other people. i used to convince myself that i'd just been unlucky, but now i realise that if you make it into your twenties without a single contact in the world, there's something pretty wrong with you. even if i did make a friend, how would i explain that to them?

wow, this has become pretty long. sorry that my first post here is such a downer, but hopefully it'll make you feel better about yourself if nothing else. thanks for letting this freak get all this off her chest.

You haven't made a mess of a darn thing, Helen. You've not made much at all, is the right term. You seem like a really nice person, You know, and i wouldn't mind hanging out with someone like You for hours at end. Simply talking to You somehow seems like a fun thing to do!

Haha, i've got a pal who actually asked me "Ok, what do i do now?" when i, him, and a couple of other guys went to a cafeteria a while ago and we got through the door. It was his first visit to anything but McDonalds, and he turned 20 recently. And You know what? He's one of the best human beings i know on this planet. He's so caring and honest it's great just being around him! What You do on Your free time doesn't affect anyone but Yourself, and therefore i think it's unfair to Yourself simply to say that You've messed this life up! It's what You do to other people that matters in the world. Give those lousy thoughts of failure up right away! Who cares if You've never been to a restaurant or movie-theatre? It's not much to gain unless You got someone to do it with.

You've apparently not had anyone to talk to about Yourself for a long time. Helen, You're one of the 10 most normal people i've ever talked to on this website. You seem like such a kind and harmless person i'd take You out to do town just for fun any day of the week, if i were living close-by of course!

Seriously, stop seeing Yourself as someone weird Helen. You're really not.

Now, i'd like to know how it's going on the guy-front! I suppose You've got even less self-esteem to find a partner than to find a friend, and that's also perfectly understandable. How's Your ideal partner like? What would be perfect for You?

I'm going to bed in a few minutes so don't worry if i don't reply for some time. I'll get back as soon as i can!

Nice to reply to Your thread here! Hope we can see more of You and Your posts here! =)

*lifting hat*

 

[helen]

wow, thanks so much for all your replies. i was kinda worried i'd get no replies, which would have been kinda ironic for a loneliness sight

talking to people is hell for me, and what makes it worse is that i've probably scared a lot of otherwise friendly people away, because when they do speak to me i've just clammed up and panicked. i'm self-aware enough to realise that i must be hard work to speak to, so in a way i really dont blame other people. my problem is that i can accept all of this in hindsight, but at the time i'm bricking it.

i suppose yeah, there's nothing stopping me from going to see a film on my own. and i've been to subway... its not really what i'd define as a restaurant to be honest though

its ok robin, that dvd thing is quite funny i suppose! but you know, it was a real effort for me to buy it. im that messed up that i get worried about anything like that, like the person in the shop is gonna laugh at me for what i'm buying. complete nonsense i know, but at the time it worries me. its the same with buying clothes and stuff like that. i mostly have shirts and jeans because i get embarrassed if i try to buy anything really girly or feminine.

so if there's things i want to do... umm, buy myself a nice dress or something and then have the guts to wear it in public, go somewhere nice to eat with somebody... i think, to just be able to go into work and feel totally comfortable amongst everyone would be the biggest thing. that would be wonderful. and yes, finding myself a nice guy would be good too

thank you all for your kind words, i really do appreciate them.

 

[Hijacc]

benvenuto ad una vita sola

 

[Skorian]

Welcome

 

[Hijacc]

Oh sorry i didnt translate.....
welcome to a lonely life is what it says.....
its italian....

 

[Hexirius]

hi everyone, nice to meet you (well, figuratively speaking anyway...)! i've been trying to think of some kind of pleasant preamble to start with, but i thought it would just be better if i cut to the chase. ah well.

Hello Helen and welcome here.

i'm helen. i'm 22, and i can honestly say that i don't have a single friend or family member on earth. my parents were... not nice people. yeah, i know how ungrateful/melodramatic that sounds but sadly, it's true, and it feels good to say it. yeah. i have a job (in a call centre... i thought it would do me good if i was forced to speak to people on the phone. it didn't.) but i don't speak to anyone in the office. i sit in a toilet cubicle during breaks, and at the end of the day i hang around for ten minutes so i don't have to get in the lift with anyone. i've tried - i overheard people talking about peep show one day, not long after i'd started, so i actually got the dvd that night and watched it so i'd have something to talk to them about. and then i didn't have the courage to say anything about it, because doing something like that is weird and i think they'd realise how odd i was. well, the dvd was funny so at least it wasn't a total waste.

If I was in your situation I probably would've done the same thing, it would've seemed as like you had been spying on them (from a paranoid side of view).

i think what bothers me is a. the thought that i'm so completely wasting my life (i get very down when i hear about people dying because i think that whoever they were, at least there would be someone somewhere who'd miss them) and b. the sheer boredom. on weekends, i do literally nothing but lay in bed and get drunk. over christmas, i seriously considered walking out into traffic or something so i'd spend it in hospital... after all nurses have pretty much got to be nice to you, and i thought it had to be better than having nothing but the queen's speech for company. i realise how sick that is and how low it is to take advantage of a hospital's resources... but that's how i feel sometimes.

That's a pretty drastic measure just to get some attention, it might have turned out wrong. Glad you didn't do it, you might not be here now otherwise.

i hope there's such a thing as reincarnation because i've made such a mess of this life. there are so many things i've never done - eaten in a restaurant, seen a film in a cinema - that are probably just mundane to other people. i used to convince myself that i'd just been unlucky, but now i realise that if you make it into your twenties without a single contact in the world, there's something pretty wrong with you. even if i did make a friend, how would i explain that to them?

It's best not to think of the past too much, the best is yet to come. I think we both know that there is no such thing as reincarnation, this is all there is, so why not try and make the best of it, after all, you have the power to control it. And all those things you always wanted to do, why not do it anyway, alone or not, I know it's not the same alone but maybe you can find someone here who cares to join you as there are several ppl from the UK here. Being different can be a burden, I know, but don't say that there's "something wrong with you", I'd rather say there's something wrong with the world . If you find a friend, one that's truly worth the description "friend", no matter if they can relate to you or not, they should understand it and take you as you are.

wow, this has become pretty long. sorry that my first post here is such a downer, but hopefully it'll make you feel better about yourself if nothing else. thanks for letting this freak get all this off her chest.

I've seen longer You don't have to excuse yourself for your posts, that's why you're here for, right? I can relate to your story, so yes it made me feel better , as weird as that may sound. I hope you enjoy your stay here .

 

[helen]

thanks for all your replies guys. its right that that whole thing about walking into traffic is a very bad idea... i'm not so much worried about getting hurt but it's a very selfish way of getting attention. ah well, its nothing i'd do really i guess, i just get some dark thoughts when i'm on a downer. cheers everyone!

 

[tennisgirl]

Hey, welcome. I'm also from northern england. (I looked at your profile ). I'm sure you'll make friends here fast.

 

[helen]

hi tennisgirl, thanks for your reply. whereabouts are you? i'm in liverpool.

 

[tennisgirl]

hi tennisgirl, thanks for your reply. whereabouts are you? i'm in liverpool.

Ah cool, never been to liverpool. I'm in west yorkshire, kinda near leeds.

 

[helen]

ah right, i lived near whitby for a little while when i was a kid. liverpool's ok i suppose.