Hermit or Healing. What's it gonna be?

[An archist]

So, in my many years of social isolation I've come up with many postulations about how I got where I am,
why I am indeed this way, etc. I have also gone through many different phases of how I perceive and react to the
isolation: self-pity to intense fear of, but longing for, people. Then on to intense hatred of people and a feeling
that I'm not really missing out on much.

Now I find myself here: at the verge of a whole new epoch, and what may very well be a cross-roads of sorts.
So, what's the next phase going to be for me? Either full renunciation of the society of people, or
will it be a tentative first step into something more social?

Here I will not be giving an uninspired version of my life story. Rather, I'm going to describe a few events
which happened to lead me to this point in my development.

As I said at the beginning, I've just gone through a phase where I no longer desire to be around people
because I've managed to cultivate an intense hatred of them. And I am certain that I am correct in this:
people are loathsome motherfuckers! In utter isolation one comes to think that human interaction
is the most tacky, shallow undertaking in the world! Yes, this feeling was spawned in me from envy
of people who do manage to get along better with others, but I am convinced that people now go through their
lives without ever experiencing anything genuine. Constant partying, drinking, hedonism and endless, lip-flapping chatter is unadulterated bullshit! I'm lonely and horribly depressed, but I am certain that I experience genuine emotion, albeit on the extreme negative end of the spectrum. So, I've begun to make peace with the fact that I'm a loner and when I am all by myself in my room, I'm comfortable with it. It's only when I'm outside, at work or school that this loner-lifestyle suddenly becomes problematic. I get it thrown back in my face that I'm different and in the social context I feel that I'm defective. So, one of the paths ahead of me right now would be complete isolation. I've been kicking around ideas about how to achieve this. I was thinking about either becoming a monk (vow of silence? Sounds good to me!) or just moving out into the woods and becoming a hermit where I can finally be by myself and not feel like there's something wrong in it.

I must admit though, that these misanthropic feelings are very unnatural and I've had to cultivate them as a method of dealing with my loneliness. I've had 2 experiences in my life that made me realize that this ermetic option may not be what I really desire for myself. Once last year when I was working as a tutor, I was looking out the window onto the plaza they have at my school. I saw all the other students relaxing and enjoying each others company. It was a wonderful spring day and it made for a very beautiful scene. I felt like a prisoner in solitary confinement! But I realized that my hatred towards people isn't very genuine: the way they were relaxing in the sun with eachother in a very picturesque garden seemed so beautiful to me that it made me feel like weeping. I felt so jelous and wretched, but I knew that upon experiencing these emotions that
I couldn't fully hate people (I actually have a post describing this experience here from a while back in case you want to get a better idea of what I'm driving at). A more recent experience though has really shaken up my world and made me question if I want to be with people or divorce myself from them.

I have told many of the people in the chat about this already, but I'll give a run down of it here too. So, over the summer I'm working as a security guard at my school. I was watching the tennis courts there last week, and I left to go buy my lunch.Upon returning I found a beautiful woman lying down on the courts and noticed that my library book was gone! She had taken it while I was away so I went over to her and said that she could read it while I was eating my lunch. Well, we ended up talking for a bit and she was aparently going through some sort of spiritual crisis and began to sob. Throughout this whole encounter, as you might expect, I was incredibly nervous, and I guess she sensed this so she just took my hand. I found that to be very comforting (even though she was the one with the crisis, so technically I was the one who was supposed to
be comforting her, right?) Well, we talked and I told her a bit about what my life has been like and also about my social problems and she tried to explain a bit about what her troubles were too. Then we embraced eachother and exchanged pecks on the cheek....she also began rubbing my shoulders and said that I was cute. We spent several hours together out there, but the whole time, since this was such an extraordinary experience for me, I was unsure about where it was all going: were we to really have a heart to heart conversation, or would we wind up making out? Well, in the end due to my ineptitude we didn't really do much of either. At one point she noticed and pointed out that "I was looking longingly at her" At that I clamed up and there we sat for a while, the majority of which was in total silence. So, that day ended kinda awkwardly, but then yesterday I saw her at work again and gave her the book she took from me. In it I had written her a note and she seemed to like it: said it was very sweet. So, it all ended on a positive note I think.

This experience made me realize that I really do want to be with people after all. It has certainly messed with my
plans though since I was right on the verge of becoming a hermit! So, yeah. Here I am right now: will I be
a hermit or more of a "person"? I'm very confused about all this, and I'm pissed that I'm working too much right now to really have time to reflect on what it is that I really want...but yeah, here's my story. It's long and rambling. I probably should have included something about dragons or explosions in it, but, I'm a shitty conversationalist, and so can't really tell a story.

EDIT: it kinda looks like this may very well be the wrong forum for this post, eh? Well, if a mod thinks it should me moved, then go for it. Sorry if I made an oops.

 

[Antihero]

Ah, I know that feeling all to well... where I'm at a point where I just want to tell society to fresia off, but then someone or something comes along to drag me back in.

I don't have much to say right now (if you're a shitty conversationalist then I'm a lowly simpleton), but I will say that as with other areas of life there must be a balance between solitude and society. Whenever I have a large amount of one but not the other I tend to grow depressed. While I do need time for inner reflection, I also very much need the company of other people as well.



Blah, that's enough rambling from me for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand what you're getting at.

 

[bookbinder]

It sounds to me like you want to try and get back in the "being with people" zone. Did you call that girl yet?

Being a hermit will eventually depress you the older you get. And of course, the older you get, the harder it will be to stop being a hermit. My vote is that you shelve the hermit idea, because if you really go through with it, it'll be hard to "come back", if you will.

 

[Naleena]

((((((((((((((((Archist))))))))))))))) (((((((Archist))))))))))))))
(((((((((((Archist)))))))))))))) ***Naleena takes Archist's hand if he will give her permission***

Come out into the light, little one. I agree with Panda, I think you want to be with people to It won't be easy but, you can do it. Giving the lady the book was a very kind gesture.

As far as healing goes, there is nothing that says two people can't help to heal each other. You helped the lady by listening and she helped you by holding your hand. I have had simular experiences volunteeing in hospice. The only thing I would warn you about is that you have to be careful not to confuse the feelings of closeness in helping someone with romantic feelings What you described near the end seemed a bit romantic in nature by the lady.

I don't think I have talked with you but, if you want someone else to talk with, count me in

 

[seekingpeace]

Im pretty much a hermit right now, I really understand those feelings of wanting to be with ppl and not getting to be. I dont know how ill get myself back together but u sound like u really have a chance, always go for the positive, dont sink urself in negativity. Ive made that mistake and now im trapped in my room, looking back when i was better, even when ppl made fun of me I felt I should have given it a better go. Isolation is never good, it sounds ok when ur depressed and want to ignore ur problems but when u really experience it, it surprises u how lonely one could get. My advice is to appreciate EVERYTHING, doesnt matter how little it may seem, even if its one person u have, embrace them.

 

[An archist]

Wow! Thanks for the responses everybody! I'm glad that my rambling didn't disuade you all and feel good that people can sympathize with my situation here.

So, raskolnikov, you're partially correct about me maybe wanting to get back into the "being with people zone". In some ways I'm kind of already doing it: I go to work every day, and haven't skipped out on it even once. Also, I'm a lot more functional than I used to be several years ago, but still really can't hold a conversation with sombody nor do I especially desire to. I'm not too sure about your concerns about being unable to reintegrate back into society once I've been off on my own for a long time though. I view going off into the boonies as an oportunity to learn to love people from afar so to speak. Religious hermits don't despise people, quite the contrary, yet they need isolation to persue what they're after. Right now, in my condition, whenever I have to be among people it makes me bitter and envious of them. But, perhaps, once I've had enough time by myself for reflection in isolation I may come to appreciate other people, which for the moment I really don't.

As for the woman I met that day, I have tried calling her numerous times only to get a busy signal, though I recently found out the cause of it: I can't make long distance calls from my phone! I gave her my number and email address though, so if she wants to keep up contact with me she certainly can (I know I'd like that to happen). But I'm afraid that a future friendship (or more perhaps) isn't in the cards; on the day I met her again to give her the book, I learned that she was moving out of the dorms back to her home in Ohio. If she gets in contact with me however, maybe some kind of correspondance could be persued but seeing as it's been a while I'm really not expecting to hear from her. But that's ok. I'm contented that our encounter got a bit of closure.